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24 April 2010

I have to confess something. Warning: beardist rant. [More:]I HATE BEARDS! I DO I DO I DO I REALLY HATE THEM! IT DOESN'T MATTER WHO THEY'RE ON OR WHETHER OR NOT THEY'RE IN STYLE, I CAN'T STAND THEM! AAAAAAUUUUUUGGGGHHHHHH!

I don't even like Abraham Lincoln's beard. Not even Walt Whitman's magnificent flowing extension of his effusive self!

I don't know why I have this irrational distaste for beards, but I do, and so now I've said it.

And, yes, I realize I just turned in one my of last plausible hipster-cred cards (not that I ever had that many). So be it. My hatred of beards runs that deep.

Phew! I'm feeling calmer now . . .
What are your feelings about mustaches?
posted by oneswellfoop 24 April | 04:58
I don't hate them . . . as much.

I think I've seen one or two mustaches in my lifetime that I thought made the mustache-sporting person more attractive. But, generally, I think mustaches are kind of gross too. Just think of all the invisible-to-the-eye snot and food particles each mustache must contain.
posted by treepour 24 April | 05:43
Honey, there is no food or snot in our beards 'cause all the little bugs living there eat them. :)
posted by MonkeyButter 24 April | 06:56
When I was 2 my dad decided that he'd grow a beard. And then, after a couple of months, he decided to get rid of it. He also decided that it would be a really great idea to shave half his face and then chase me around the house. Apparently I went completely hysterical and was screaming and crying and shouting "You're not my daddy!!!!"

I don't remember any of this.

But I have a serious dislike for beards to this very day. Thanks, dad.
posted by ninazer0 24 April | 06:56
ninazer0, I have the almost exact opposite story. My dad has always had a big full beard. My earliest childhood memory, maybe I was late 2 or early 3 years old, my dad came home from work clean shaven. I cried and cried, and asked my momma please please where is my real daddy.
posted by Meatbomb 24 April | 07:44
I don't hate beards, but I don't think they're as great as hipsters make them out to be.
posted by Eideteker 24 April | 08:24
Sorry, treepour, smooth cheeks are for ladies and little children. ;)
posted by BoringPostcards 24 April | 09:34
I've been thinking about the class associations of beards, myself. Lots of things are tied up in them, age, "hygiene", "professional", "Augustness". Very tricky.
posted by The Whelk 24 April | 09:55
I love a good beard. I have... a bit of a thing for beards, as it turns out. But they are tricky and, as The Whelk says and whether the wearer knows it or not, they carry a complicated dose of social meaning.

Moustaches look silly. (Not your moustache! No! Alllllmost every other moustache, though.)
posted by Elsa 24 April | 10:28
I actually prefer to have a beard - kind of a goatee-mustache combo. But once, when I was trying to get all romantical, Mrs. Doohickie complained that it tickled her. It came off the next day and I haven't sported one since.
posted by Doohickie 24 April | 11:27
It does tickle, and not always pleasantly. Still: totally worth it. Hubba hubba.
posted by Elsa 24 April | 11:48
I prefer a goatee (van dyke) over everything else. I just don't like my look clean-shaven, and I'm lazy, so I usually have a beard anyway (most of the last decade).
posted by dhartung 24 April | 13:02
I like a van Dyke, too, despite the fact that because it means you're your own evil twin. I do like a man with a nefarious plan.
posted by Elsa 24 April | 13:05
I loved my beard, but I didn't love facing discrimination over it. Worse are the fuckers who will announce that chest hair is gross, fuck you, you're talking about my body and it's no business of yours.
posted by Hugh Janus 24 April | 13:14
I once dated a guy who had a mustache/goatee combo. He knew I wasn't 100% in love with it, so he shaved it off.

We both agreed he looked better with than without, so he grew it back.
posted by pinky.p 24 April | 13:16
orse are the fuckers who will announce that chest hair is gross


It's especially easy to say when genetically the persons said fucker thinks of as non-gross don't even grow that much chest hair

Anyway I don't think opinions about body hair are outrageous outright but it's a complicated dance between what you want to do with your body, what the social understanding in your culture about certain types of body hair is, what your partner wants.. but expecting that someone who is genuinely hairy go around waxing their whole body all the time = thumbs down
posted by Firas 24 April | 15:27
You know, that's fair. I'm entitled to think and feel whatever I want about moustaches, but I oughtn't to say broadcast it publicly where it can hurt someone's feelings. I'm sorry that I did.

(I stand cheerfully firm in my public statement that I like beards.)

I also suspect that for many people, these personal preferences (and that's all they are, though we tend to state them as absolutes: "Beards are hot!"; "chest hair is yucky!"; "blondes are awesome!") shift over time. And I've never asked a partner to change their grooming to suit my preferences, which would be as obnoxious as a partner trying to dictate my shaving habits or my hair color.
posted by Elsa 24 April | 15:44
Well treepour, there's nothing wrong with your dislike of beards, really. It's just one of those things. Unless you're seriously considering promoting a policy of rounding all us bearded folk up and putting us up against a wall somewhere (in the name of the children or national security or whatever) then I have to support you in your dislike of beards, even though I myself have a beard.

I quit shaving back in the late 80s myself. It was just a big pain in the ass to maintain all the various extra equipment involved and my wife was okay with the idea. Plus, I had always told her that she could shave any of herself she saw fit to or let it all grow out as much as she wanted and it would make no difference to me at all.

Now, I tend to keep my facial hair neatly trimmed on account of I'm a bald guy and if I let it grow out too much I look like my freakin' head is upside down. That look may have been alright back in the 1800s and shit but I don't like that style today so I keep the lawn nicely cut back except in times of extreme cold and/or laziness. I also make sure to strain all the nits, lice and ramen bits out of it on a semi-regular basis (twice a year or so - usually around March and then again sometime during Autumn.)

My wife don't mind, so we're good there. She lets the hair on her legs grow out whenever she's so inclined, shaves 'em when she feels like it, and we don't really have much in the way of pelt-oriented disputes.

Anyway, I forget what my point was, but I guess we're pretty lucky, my wife and me.

(Scratch, scratch.)







posted by metagnathous 24 April | 18:55
I've had a beard since I was 15. So... 31 years, now. I keep it neat and trim and professional (usually) because it looks better and is more comfortable. But I don't really care what anybody else thinks about it. It's not for them.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson 24 April | 19:23
If I could do so comfortably, I'd totally grow out my beard. But, just as I can't wear wool sweaters because their too itchy, I can never grow a full on beard. It's sad, because I could grow a pretty darn good one. And I have no compunctions against them; hipsters, hippies, whatever. I have many friends with a good heft of facial scrub, and they're all just people to me.
posted by Atom Eyes 24 April | 21:18
D'oh! their=they're
posted by Atom Eyes 24 April | 21:28
I like beards, but I've never dated a guy with one. Weird.
posted by gaspode 24 April | 21:31
Sounds like you have a really nice live-and-let-live arrangement there, metagnathous. :)

For what it's worth, I screamed and hollered when my partner first started growing his goatee. But now I prefer him with it -- it increases his already-impressive handsomeness by at least an order of magnitude. The only thing that really gets to me is when we're spooning and the goatee starts grinding into my upper shoulder/back. That itches like crazy and it's one of those things you try to ignore, thinking you'll be able to go back to sleep, but it itches just a little too much. Maybe he's getting me back for all the grief I gave him about the idea of the goatee in the first place.

posted by treepour 25 April | 01:56
I'm way too greasy, sweaty, and generally unkept to be able to wear a beard. I've tried, and it just doesn't work.

On the other hand, I haven't had a real haircut in almost 10 years. I'll occasionally get the MrsMoonPie to cut off a few inches, or I'll just do it myself. I wear it in a sort of slicked-back ponytail, and am aware that some folks look askance at such things, especially on Capitol Hill where I work.

Now, the really interesting part--I don't wash it. Like, ever. Well, OK, I did shampoo it after going camping in October. Just a rinse under the shower, a quick brush-back, a ponytail holder, and I'm golden.
posted by mrmoonpie 25 April | 12:38
Since I stopped shaving my leghair and only trim my underarm hair (with MuddDude's beard trimmer), I guess I don't have any right to talk about the aesthetics of men's body hair.
posted by muddgirl 25 April | 16:12
I like a good beard or even just some 3 day scruff, but I am a little mad at all the hipsters for ruining beards with their patchy, unkempt attempts at facial hair that just make them look mangy.

I asked my current bf to grow one because I think it defines his jawline better, and he likes it too. His mom is not a fan, so it comes and goes as he goes to family events.
posted by rmless2 25 April | 21:53
My Dad told me that grew a beard once, and when he shaved it off, my Mom told him, "You finally look human again." I, on the other hand, am lucky enough to have a wife who likes me both bearded and clean shaven--I'm just to indecisive to stick with one or the other very long.
posted by fogovonslack 26 April | 19:29
Hmmmmm, interesting.

*strokes beard*
posted by pompomtom 26 April | 20:54
I love facial hair on men. (Hate those stray hairs on my chin, however). I actually had worse face-burn after making out with a guy who was clean-shaven than with anyone with a goatee, etc. And, I love chest hair. To me, that makes a man manly. My X Mr V used to shave his chest, then his arms (one arm because of the tattoos, the other to match - ick) and then on to manscaping. I didn't like it. I want my man to be a man, thank you very much. Perhaps a little manscaping is nice, but not porn-star bare. Again, ICK.
posted by redvixen 26 April | 21:20
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