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17 December 2009

A Question About "Being As Cold As a Witches Tit".... →[More:]

I think this is a misnomer, somehow. I think that if you were close enough to experience a witches tit, you'd have a pretty rockin' life.

I mean, seriously - how many bona fide witches are there, especially witches who would think you were hot enough (cold enough?) to get near their tits?

How would one seduce a witch, knowing full well that the aforementioned tit would be cold enough to comment on climatologically?

Is there a name for this kind of kink, and I just don't hang with the subculture that indulges in this?

And how come there are no locker room anecdotes about witches and their tits? How come it just ends with "cold as a witches tit!" with no hackneyed Dear Hustler, You're Not Going To Believe Me, But Last October I...

There also seems to be no male analog to this tit temperature oral history. No one as yet has begun saying, "Man, it's hotter than a warlock's basket out here today!"

Your comments are welcome.

post by: Lipstick Thespian at: 09:03 | 37 comments

My mother is partial to: "Cold as a gravedigger's ass."

posted by ColdChef 17 December | 09:09

I usually say "colder than a witch's beltbuckle," just to make people think that I am about to make a big faux pax.

posted by danf 17 December | 09:16

Like ColdChef, my family says "cold as a welldigger's balls."

posted by Sil 17 December | 09:19

The politer members of my family use the "gravedigger's ass" version.

posted by jason's_planet 17 December | 09:27

Don't forget the coda, "cold as a witch's tit in a brass bra."

posted by Miko 17 December | 09:31

Dear Hustler -

I never thought that working as a Viking-armor Reproductionist would be anything other than a hobby. Imagine my surprise when SHE WALKED IN.....

Sincerely yours,
LT
Scary Pentagram Foreplay Valhalla
The Universe Next Door, NH
AIEEE

posted by Lipstick Thespian 17 December | 09:35

You've got the etymology wrong.
≡ Click to see image ≡

posted by Wolfdog 17 December | 09:46

Wolfdog - explain? Is that a finch? Colder than a finches tent?

I'm so not clever today.

posted by Lipstick Thespian 17 December | 09:50

Now, I grew up knowing "cold as a nun's tit" which I guess makes a bit more sense?

posted by gaspode 17 December | 09:51

LT, that appears to be a blue titmouse.

posted by fluffy battle kitten 17 December | 10:03

You've got the etymology wrong

Are you saying that the saying comes from the bird titmouse? That sounds kind of implausible!

posted by Miko 17 December | 10:12

"Cold as a witches titmouse?"

NO ONE SAYS THAT!

Not even in Disney films.

posted by Lipstick Thespian 17 December | 10:21

A "witch's tit" was a common familiar, through whom she could scry upon the unwary. The birds' dense, insulating winter plumage made them dependable even in far northern ranges, where they were most often employed.

posted by Wolfdog 17 December | 10:24

(Outside of the US, it's generally 'tit', not 'titmouse'.)

posted by Wolfdog 17 December | 10:25

A "witch's tit" was a common familiar, through whom she could scry upon the unwary. The birds' dense, insulating winter plumage made them dependable even in far northern ranges, where they were most often employed.

you're having me on, aren't you?

posted by Lipstick Thespian 17 December | 10:27

For me, that bird in the photo is a bluetit... not for anyone else? I didn't know witches had tits in that sense though.

posted by altolinguistic 17 December | 10:33

Up here, I usually just say something along the lines of, "Man, it's colder than a no good..(random swearing)...FUCK IT'S COLD"

I'm not sure what my kids will get from this, as an ongoing family tradition.

posted by richat 17 December | 10:49

"Cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey" (or "it's brass monkeys out there") is my favourite.

posted by altolinguistic 17 December | 11:12

I came in to add the brass bra part, but Miko beat me to it.

posted by Specklet 17 December | 11:44

In order of descending coldness: A nun's cunt, A well diggers balls, A well diggers belt buckle, A witch's teat, and, brass monkey.

posted by arse_hat 17 December | 12:34

I keep hearing Tom Waits in my head saying, "And it's colder than a well digger's ass" but I can't place what song that's from.

posted by jrossi4r 17 December | 13:04

Alto, the only titmouse I know bird-wise is gray with a tufted head.

≡ Click to see image ≡

posted by redvixen 17 December | 13:04

I just came in from the mailbox and I can tell you, it's gone WAY past tits.

posted by MonkeyButter 17 December | 13:11

LT, you want to get with her?
≡ Click to see image ≡
Cause I bet she'd be pretty cold.

posted by DarkForest 17 December | 13:19

That reads like a folk etymology; had never heard it before. There are some other explanations, and the idea of birds doesn't show up in most of the phrase-finder sites I usually use. There's a neat take on the phrase in the Vulgar Comparitive Metaphor FAQ (what a neat thing). Phrase Finder has a discussion, too.

Interestingly, the related VCM "freeze the balls of a brass monkey" also has a ton of folk etymologies and no definitive origin.

posted by Miko 17 December | 13:26

jrossi4r - I think that's from Diamonds on my Windshield?

posted by richat 17 December | 13:32

This reminds me of a guy who used to run the tool crib where I work. A little old guy, who claimed to be black irish.

When asked about the hardness of this or that bolt or other fastener, he would say "It's harder (hahdah) than my dickie on a payday night!"

When disgusted by something, he would say, "Well that would make a brass monkey puke!"

Paul O'Leary. Great old guy. Probably dead by now but I have fond memories of him.

posted by danf 17 December | 13:34

Not to derail but, don't ya just love old Yankees? A friend of mine, who passed away a couple years back, once said of our landlord, "[He's so cheap] he'd squeeze a Buffalo 'till is shit a nickel."

posted by MonkeyButter 17 December | 14:20

Yeah, Monkeybutter. I could have sat around and listened to that guy talk forever.

posted by danf 17 December | 14:23

I learned the nun one as "as useful as a nun's nipple".

posted by plinth 17 December | 14:40

Those poor nuns. They even have an increased risk of ovarian cancer.

posted by Specklet 17 December | 14:43

I expect that this is based on the idea that witches dance "skyclad" (or naked) at the Sabbat. I should imagine that certain parts of the anatomy might get pretty nippy in those conditions ... :-)

posted by Susurration 17 December | 15:02

I think you're right, richat. (One of the hazards of growing up in The Age of Cassettes is having a ton of unlabeled albums. There are so many songs I know all the words to, but not the name of.)

posted by jrossi4r 17 December | 15:08

I heard plinth's as "worthless as tits on a boar hog". My mum's dad was full of stuff like that.

Back to cold, I've heard:

Colder than a witch's tit
Colder than the balls on a brass monkey
Colder than a well digger's ass in a Walla Walla windstorm

posted by deborah 17 December | 15:25

'Cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey' seems to be the common parlance around here. Of course, around here, that applies any time the temperature drops to single figures (Celsius), so I'm not sure we're qualified on the subject.

'As useful as tits on a bull'
'As useful as a hip pocket in a singlet'
also come to mind.

posted by dg 17 December | 19:49

I'm partial to 'colder than Nanook's Nutsack," myself.

posted by jonmc 17 December | 20:04

Miko, I would encourage you to keep researching this before you so blithely dismiss it as merely a "folk etymology". Of course such a story can only come from legend, but even a casual familiarity with, for example, old Udmurt folk stories would indicate just how far back the origins of this particular myth reach. They are full of such interesting turns of phrase. In this article you can see pictured an old folk character, the Votyak Trickster Cow, to whom, ultimately, the phrase "Don't have a cow" can be traced.

posted by Wolfdog 18 December | 08:24

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