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04 December 2009
Let's write letters Post letters to other users, random people in the world, or yourself in this thread→[More:] Dear jonmc, I hope you had a lovely birthday.
Dear person who wrote letter of recommendation for other person: It's been a while since I was speechless, but your comment (at the end of the glowing letter) which said (paraphrased) "even though she is African-American, she is not underprivileged - her father is a doctor" ruined that streak quite nicely.
I know none of you know each other, but couldn't you just hold a little multi-national meeting involving all of you and divide up my workload throughout the year instead of offering me work amounting to 400% of my capacity in December, while leaving me twiddling my thumbs in March?
Dear Mom & Dad
You are absolutely the two finest people I have ever known and I am in awe of you both. I admire not just your accomplishments which are many but also, and more importantly, your characters, your generosity with your time and your resources and your unending kindness to everyone you encounter. You have always made me feel like the smartest, most important and most valuable person in the world. You look for the best in everything and you always seem to find it. Your joy in my successes makes them more joyful to me and your stalwart support during these very difficult times with Jack's medical issues is what gets me through the days.
Saying "thank you" seems inadequate but I want you to know that I will always make every effort to be the shining star that you believe me to be. I am without a doubt the luckiest daughter ever.
Don't you get snippy with me. We requested this information FIVE times from you, and now the client is understandably frustrated. It is not YOU who has had to take the irate calls, but it is YOUR FAULT there is irate-ness, therefore you have no right to be snippy with me.
Why aren't you working today? Could it be from to the two-and-a-half-hour commute to work this morning due to some broken rail? It is not fun standing on a windy platform for 45 minutes wondering if I should just go home and try again later. But at least I had a jelly donut.
I'm sorry i forgot to water you and you nearly died. You're new and not with the rest of the plants. Please don't die, you brighten up that bookshelf so well.
Dear Husband: I am grateful for you every single fucking day. Seriously, genuinely, honestly, there is almost no day that passes that I don't give thanks for you. I have told you this, but I don't imagine that you imagine how absolutely literally I mean it.
Every. day.
(entirely using up my schmaltz account for the year with this, and he won't even read it, but still...)
Thanks for never including measurements of anything, so that I have to email you to ask.
Thanks for making sure you never ever mention what the fabric is made of, or what condition the furniture is in, so that I have to email you to ask.
Thanks for making sure that any pic you deem worthy of sharing is either blurry, too dark to see what you're selling, or sideways, so that I have to email you to ask for more photos.
Dear Guy I Called a Douche on the Sidewalk Yesterday,
I'm really sorry I called you a douche. Calling people names isn't all that cool. If I can offer any explanation as to why it happened, I suspect it might have been because you were riding your bike on the sidewalk, and barrelled into a guy coming out of a door. I stopped to help you both up, and when I mentioned that this is the reason why you probably shouldn't ride your bike on the sidewalk*, you told me to fuck myself.
Yours truly,
-Rob
PS: If I see you riding on the sidewalk again, I will at the very least make certain you are unable to make any forward progress without riding directly into me, if not push you into the street myself.
*This was on Ravenswood Ave. For any non-Chicago folk, Ravenswood may be the most bike-in-the-street-friendly street in the world. Split highway, one way on each side, tons and tons of space.
Dear staff at the coffee shop I frequent in downtown Toronto:
Thank you for the laughter, friendship, free tea and cookies, support and beer over the last few months. I moved to this city without knowing many people, and purposely avoided making friends due to a desire not to be distracted while finishing up my thesis. Instead, you invited me out to have fun and gave me opportunities to think about other things than my research. I can even be productive with my laptop at the coffee shop while all of you are working, and we still can hang out and be social there. It's the perfect amount of silliness and fun that I need without being distracted from finishing this thing! As a result, my research is running smoothly, and I'm happy and healthy.
I love you, but would you PLEASE LET ME SLEEP THROUGH THE NIGHT JUST ONCE? JUST ONE NIGHT? That's all I ask. One night without having to get up twice to attend to your feline demands.
I know yesterday was very hard on you with the early morning and then late night flight and all the people. It's okay.
But seriously? It's Friday and we really need to tidy up our house, do laundry, and get some shit done that isn't lying in bed or sitting in front of the computer, catching up on all the internet shit you missed yesterday.
Dear Special-k,
Please get off teh internet and do some work. You're driving me batshitinsane. Also,ffs stop worrying, this will get better soon. They always do.
Are you sniffing glue? Why would I agree to a long term contract for less money than the ongoing short term contracts that you have begged me to take? Please remember that you are in Daegu, Korea, and that this is one of the most boring places on the planet. And you can't even score weed here.
Do you think you are doing me a favour by making me stay here for months on end? And making me pay my own airfare? And managing the courses for all the better paid short-term people you are flying in? ARE YOU SNIFFING GLUE??!?? Stop doing that because it is rotting your brain.
Dear Sniffles,
You have overstayed your welcome. Last week was Sniffles Week and I did my best to show you around. We had a great time for those ten days, Sniffles, you and me and your special friend Sore Throat. Then you left and I was, frankly, relieved. Now, two days later, you are back. No, no, I'm sorry, you cannot crash in my head anymore. You have to find a new place.
Sincerely,
Me
I never dreamed something like this would happen to me!
But there I was, sitting down at my keyboard to type up yet another fake letter to your fine publication, when all of a sudden there came a knock at my door...
Forget Daegu - come to the equally unpronounceable Bydgoszcz, where you can teach students with names like Krzysz and Ziemowit for less money than Korea, but arguably cheaper beer and a shorter commute than Sofia-Seoul.
Dear Rain,
"Wintery Mix" is not an acceptable compromise. It is still rain that happens to have some snow along. Go, as the old children's rhyme exhorts you, away.
photo by splunge
photo by TheophileEscargot
photo by Kronos_to_Earth
photo by ethylene
