I am sorry to hear that Lori. I can only imagine how this has been a blow to your community. How have your boys been taking it? I suppose if I were in your shoes, I would let the kids dictate whether or not we would attend the funeral. If they can be appropriately solemn and perhaps could learn something from the experience I would take them. But if they couldn't sit still and were fidgeting and drawing attention, I would not go. Ugh. I hate hearing about children dying. I honestly believe that there is something profoundly unnatural about our children preceding us to the grave, and that is why we have such a strong reaction to it.
Good luck, and again, I am so sorry to hear that this has happened.

Wow, that's a terrible thing to have to live through. Sheesh.

I'm of the mind that you would be welcome at the funeral. I think at times like this, knowing that one's lost loved one touched people's lives is a blessing of sorts, so...if you WANT to go, going is good.

As for the kids, it's a tough call. When my best friend died last fall, we brought both girls (at that point...4 and 7?) but were prepared that they might find it upsetting and want to leave. Sophie, my oldest, wanted to stay the whole time. Evie, not so much. Neither were upset. My thinking it that death is a big part of life, and Chris was important to both of them. I think it was good that they got to say goodbye. Also, there's something to be said for the mourners to be able to look around and see the EARLIER stages of life around them too, I think.

Others may have differing opinions. I dunno Lori..I sure do think that if you want to go, you should go.

Have the kids been to other religious ceremonies and handled themselves well? If so, take them to the funeral. My parents didn't take me to my godparents' funerals when I wasn't quite five (though I was told that they had died and in my godmother's case that she had killed herself) and I'm still annoyed that they didn't.

If your children are up for it, take them, definitely. There is no metric for whether you're close enough to attend the funeral. Every one I went to for loved ones I lost, I was always happy to see even semi-acquaintances turn out to pay respects. It's a time for honoring the dead, and the more the merrier.

Oh .. that is so sad. I am so sorry. Unless the funeral is private I think you should definitely go. I think it will mean a great deal to the family to have the families of this child's teammates and friends there. It's like you're saying with your presence, "He mattered a lot, he will be terribly missed, we grieve too and we're here for you."

I lost a friend in high school and there was a huge turnout at her funeral ... all of her friends and our parents of course but also people who just knew her in passing. Her mom later told me how touched she was to see that so many people cared enough to come to this somber event and face their own fears of not knowing what to say.

As for your kids, maybe ask them how they feel about it, explain what's likely to happen and encourage but don't force them to go.

I think a lot of people avoid these things out of a feeling of "they don't really know me that well" or "what in the world could I say to them" but I really believe that showing up is one of the most meaningful things you could do. It's so much easier to do nothing but I for sure vote: GO. A big turnout helps to tell the family that they're not alone, that their child made an impact on others and that people care.

If you feel you want to attend the funeral then it is appropriate you do so. The family will surely appreciate it.

Talk to your children about going. If they really don't want to go I would not push it but do talk to them about saying goodbye.

Thanks guys. We will talk to the kids about it. Ironically, the pastor that is holding the funeral service is a coach on my other kid's team. It has been a very sad time. I am crying everyday. I cannot imagine what the parents are going through and I feel for them deeply. It just sucks and is so terribly sad.

We told our kids the day after it happened. I was reluctant to tell them even though I think openness and honesty is the best policy. My husband insisted because he was afraid that they would hear about it from other kids and they would be confused. I agreed. We told them and my little kid's (age 6) first question was, "Why did you tell us?" The 6-year-old that played ball with seems okay. I don't think he fully grasps the concept of death. The eldest (age 9) was very quiet and had a lot of questions. My little kid said that he was in heaven and I agreed and assured him he was even though I don't believe in heaven.

This tragedy has reminded me that it is very important to have compassion and understanding for other people. I vow to treat people more gently and to give more freely. I hate to admit this but more than once I rolled my eyes internally at these parents for things they said or did that I thought was ridiculous. How petty and sad of me. They only had the best intentions and we are all imperfect. I also hesitated to be more open about my life because I, I don't know, I'm just like that with new people. I think it's important to give yourself fully and be open and kind because we don't know what tomorrow will bring. Sorry if that is sappy or melodramatic but these are my thoughts at the moment.

Thanks again for the answers. After reading them, we (husband and I) are going to the funeral. We'll talk to the kids about it and decide if it's a good idea to bring them.

I think it would be perfectly OK to attend the funeral, but I also think that just attending the dedication service will be fine, as well. (Especially if you think the funeral might be a bit too heavy for your kids to endure.)

I think it's a comfort for parents to see that their child had friends and teammates and classmates and just people in the community whose lives his life touched, even if only in small ways.

When in doubt, I show up for stuff like this. You can be unobtrusive, but the more people there, perhaps the more solace there will be to be had.

I remember at my Dad's funeral, there was not a big turnout, and I have always felt bad about that.

To lose a kid. . .gosh, I can't fathom. . . .

I dont' know about taking your kids (no experience there) but IMO, it's never inappropriate to go to a funeral and pay your respects.

(((( LoriFLA)))) It's so weird how some deaths really resonate with us and others don't. It sounds like this one has hit home with you, Lori & I do wish you warm thoughts and better days.

LoriFLA, I'm so sorry. This is such a difficult time for the grieving family, and I'm sure that having thoughtful, conscientious, kind community members like you makes this a bit easier for them.

As for your kids, maybe ask them how they feel about it, explain what's likely to happen and encourage but don't force them to go.

This is an especially good point. If your kids do attend the funeral, it's a good idea to walk them through possible scenarios, so they have some idea what to expect.

One common childhood anxiety at funerals is the question of whether to "pay respects" by viewing the deceased. Explain to your kids that some people choose to do this, that it's not compulsory, and that no one will mind (or even notice) if they don't.

Can I make a counter-suggestion? In addition to attending the dedication service, and whether or not your children attend the funeral, what if you sat down with them and wrote a brief note of condolence, saying how sorry they are and telling a small story about the child's presence in their lives?

It's perhaps the hardest form of social communication to master, and perhaps the most important. (And truly, it needn't be that hard. A mention of your sorrow for their loss, a reminiscence about the late loved one, and an offer of help or a kind word. That's all it takes.) And it makes an impact. Though my memory of who attended the important funerals in my life (my partner, my father), I will never forget who sent me a brief note.

Whatever you choose to do, you'll do right. You have good instincts and a kind heart.

Nearly everyone who has commented has expressed my sentiments better than I could, and it sounds like you already decided, but: I think you should go.

Oh how awful. Just awful. I'm so very sorry, Lori.

I would definitely go to the funeral. It would mean a lot to the parents. I honestly don't think I'd take the kids though. Yes, death is a part of life--but there's nothing natural about a child dying. And seeing so many adults overtaken by such a crushing grief can be so overwhelming to a young kid. I think the memorial will be enough.

Big hugs to you and your family.

With the kids, I think it's important to remember that they're grieving too, even if it's not in ways that seem like grieving to an adult, and it's important to let them know that they're allowed to have their own rituals for saying good-bye, whatever those might be. I certainly wouldn't force them to attend the funeral, but if they want to, it can be a good way to start teaching them about dealing with loss in an open way, which is an important thing to learn.

The "official grief worker" advice is generally to explain what a funeral is and ask the kids if they want to go, and leave the choice up to them as much as possible.

LoriFLA, I've responded to this thread by email.

Thanks, CC. I just got home. I'll read it now.

I appreciate everybody's responses. They are very helpful. Tonight at the ballpark I heard that is was going to be a "celebration of life" service and that the kids are encouraged to go, in uniform. One of the team parents is going to reconfirm that this is the parents' wish. We will see what happens. Thanks again.

You should go. Your son should only go if he wants to.

With Lori's permission, I'll reprint what I wrote to her here, in hopes that the information may help folks in the future:

It seems you've already decided to go, but in case you haven't, this
is one of my favorite NPR pieces:
Always go to the funeral.

I unfortunately work a lot of funeral services for young children.
What you may want to consider is something I've seen many, many times.
(Feel free to ignore this if you feel it's inappropriate to this
situation). When young children die, especially if they were a part of
a team sport, it helps the bereaved family (and the kids) for the
kids to show their grief and support. You may consider talking to the
other team parents and have all of the kids attend the services in
their uniforms. It will make them feel as if they are contributing
(they are) and participating in something larger than themselves, and
it helps them to accept and understand what is happening. Believe me,
when a parent is lamenting the loss of their child, seeing a group of
their peers paying their respects IN UNIFORM is one of the most
awe-inspiring tributes ever. Please consider this.

Kids have an unbelievable capacity for accepting the trauma and
heartbreak that flattens adults. But they are also far more resilient.
When my father died this spring, my seven year old nephew stood at the
head of his casket for three hours, not moving a bit, tears streaming
down his face. When my brother took him home, he immediately perked up
and asked if they could stop for pizza.

Above all, kids know when you are bullshitting them, and they HATE to
feel as if they're being left out of something. Incorporate them the
best you can and answer their questions honestly. If they ask you
something you don't know, tell them you don't know, but that you'll
find out for them. The funeral directors and clergy involved can be a
good resource, as they've often dealt with this type of thing.

Thanks again, ColdChef. I just listened to the essay. It was great and I'm glad I got to hear it. I love the This I Believe Series.

Elsa, I agree with you about the note. We sent one yesterday.

Thanks again, all.

From that link:

In my humdrum life, the daily battle hasn't been good versus evil. It's hardly so epic. Most days, my real battle is doing good versus doing nothing.

Holy moley, does that sum up my life in so many ways.

ColdChef, of course, has said it better than I possibly could, but I'm throwing my weight behind at least giving your son the chance to say goodbye to his team-mate. It may upset him, but it's part of being human and pretending it isn't happening will only make him feel worse.

I think ColdChef has it best; that said, my two cents are: My mom went to a wake for a classmate of mine when I was in grade school. She did not ask me if I wanted to go; I wasn't close to this classmate but we weren't enemies - just kids in the same grade. She wanted to show support for the parents; I have never felt bad for not going.

I like the idea of the teammates going in uniform; I think it's sweet. And if your kids' are feeling up to it, I think it will be fine.

My condolences to the family. I cannot imagine losing a child.