I've never seen it, and would have had the same reaction as you. Rationally, I can say it's a fine idea. Emotionally, I have never considered that I would ever be asked to perform the duty, and if freaks me out.

You and your cousins did a very nice thing for your family.

I think that as long as you can carry your share of the weight, the gender of the pallbearers doesn't matter.

I've never seen it, but I see no problem with it. My family has always had the tradition that children/grandchildren of the deceased should not be pallbearers, though. I don't know if that is just us, though. At my grandfather's funeral my then-husband, my sister's boyfriend (now husband), my father in law, and my cousin's husband were drafted.

No, it doesn't matter, but I just got slapped in the face by my own assumptions. I would be too emotional to perform the duty with the traditional dignity. That's personal, not gender specific, of course.

I wonder about the US Military. I'm sure women can serve as pallbearers, but I don't think I've ever seen images of that.

I've never seen it either but I haven't been to a funeral since my dad's in '02. Funny, I never really thought about it but why would gender matter as long as you can handle the weight?

It's sort of like how people are starting to break down the standard Best Man Bride's Maid pattern. At my wedding, my sisters stood as my Groom's Women and my Brother-in-law stood as my wife's Bride's Man. No one seemed to have an issue with that.

It was definitely emotionally challenging, rainbaby. And it was opt-in. I had one cousin who didn't do it because she was too emotional. That was fine.

I'm not sure what the basis for the decision was, but I think in the end it made the most sense. The other option would have been to have only grandsons and sons-in-law, but a couple of us granddaughters were much closer to her than those folks. It was nice, ultimately, to be included.

We were all pretty terrified about the weight thing. Three guys (one of them -- my brother -- with a cast on his arm) and five middle-aged girls? (All but one of us short.) It was intimidating. It was fine, though.

On our way into the church, the casket was on wheels, so that part was easy. (But, heh, as we were hanging out in the lobby before the service, dithering about who would stand where and what, exactly, we were supposed to do again, my brother had a couple of my cousins half-convinced that we were supposed to go step-together, step-together as we wheeled her down the aisle. Finally my cousin Michele, who tells it like it is, punched him in his [broken] arm and said "That's the wedding march, you asshole.")

You and your cousins did a very nice thing for your family.

Here's the rest of the story.

Just before the service, the funeral director gathered the eight of us together to explain our duties both there in the church, and at the cemetery. (Dude was creepy. He looked like Lurch from the Addams Family. That's what we started calling him behind his back.) He also pinned roses on our shirts. He told us that at the graveside service, at his command, we were to unpin the roses and lay them on the casket "to pay your final respect."

Okay, well and good and all. The idea of laying something on the casket was nice (it was sure as hell better than dirt), but it didn't seem very personal. These were roses bought by the funeral home and pinned on us by the funeral director, and we'd only be laying them there because he instructed us to.

One memory we all shared, which we'd already talked about, was that Grandma always kept a stash of Hershey bars in her freezer for the grandkids. It was dependable. Something you could always count on. They were always there if you wanted one. So on our way to the cemetery, I stopped and bought a bag of Hershey's miniatures. We all stashed one in our pockets. When Lurch told us to unpin and de-rose, we all left a candy bar on the casket along with our roses.

Our moms didn't know we were going to do that and it made them cry harder, but it felt like we were leaving Grandma with something that meant a little more to us than Lurch's rose.

Shit, I'm crying because of the candy bars. What a great gesture, mudpuppie.

To answer your question - I've never seen female type people as pallbearers (actually, I've never been to a funeral with pallbearers) but would be pleasantly surprised to see it. There's absolutely no reason for women not to participate.

I helped carry my father's coffin.

Pups: that was a lovely gesture.

I have not been to a funeral with women pallbearers, ever. I think people worry about the lifting; I know I would, but I don't know anyone who would think it was inappropriate. I'm not entirely sure why people worry only about women lifting--The last funeral I went to, the pallbearers were all men in their 60's, at least one of whom has had open-heart surgeries.

I'm trying to remember what happened at my aunt's funeral. There would have been only my father, and his brother-in-law, but I do not remember pallbearers at all. She was interred, but I don't remember a burial. I remember the wake, and the service at the cemetery itself. There was not a mass, and my father spoke at a small service in the funeral home chapel. I remember no pall-bearing whatsoever, but there are funeral home employees who serve in that capacity if the family/friends cannot. Given that the funeral home is run by my mother's cousin, perhaps that's what happened.

It's much rarer in the North for the family to be pallbearers. I guess it happens, but at most services I've attended up here, it's the paid funeral home staff who do that task.

I'm sure your grandmother would be very glad you did it, whatever convention says these days.

That IS awesome about the hersheys. I've never batted an eye at female pallbearers; actually, I would find an all-male crew to be weird. I'm in my mid-thirties and I can't remember the last time I saw all male pallbeaeres, even at early funerals. That said, my husband carried our daughter's coffin all by himself; I would never have been able to do that but it was very important to him that he carry her to the grave.

"we all left a candy bar on the casket along with our roses."

That is a true tribute.

Girls can do anything!

My last family death with a burial was my grandfather's in 91 and it was all men. My brother had hurt his back so he couldn't do it, some friends and family were announced as honorary pallbeares and my cokehead uncle (other side of the family) was pissed because he wasn't included.

(saucysault & mudpuppie)