Sounds like you've had enough slow and cautious! Just go out and have one bad relationship and get it over with. Look at it this way: if you fail to have a bad relationship, you'll end up with a good one. It's win-win.

PS, Has dating advice ever worked for anyone ever? My advice is just usually "let it happen."

I think a slow, cautious approach, in order to have small successes and bolster confidence, will be best. Where I'm lost is the specifics.

I'm lost on the specifics here, too. What do you mean by "small successes"? What tangibly would happen that you would count as a small success?

I've been there. What helped me was focussing on me. I needed to work on the bits that made me feel self-conscious and get my confidence levels up. Guys respond to confidence. If you're confident and know your worth, they will see your worth. Faking it til you make it actually does work too, by the way.

You're a gorgeous, lovely woman who has a lot to offer. You're a catch, and remembering that when talking to guys will help.

As for specifics, going to things where there will be lots of guys is a good start - try to make it something you're interested in too, that way you get some things in common from the get go too. Meeting lots of new friends, and friends of their friends is also good. you want to make connections with people, so go out of your way to do that.

Internet dating might be worth a look too.

I guess I'm looking for something for these specific issues:

1. I don't meet eligible men.
2. I don't let myself become interested ever.
3. The rare times I do meet men I might be interested in, they're not available.
4. I'm scared and so I don't risk things. This is where I was thinking starting with small risks would be a good idea. Tangibly, that would be something like: go to a bar and talk to one man about anything. Or--"Go by yourself to a coffee shop and flirt with someone."
5. I think I have a mental block about even considering men I meet as possibilities.
6. I have a tendency to reject people out of hand, whether they've shown interest or not.

Also, my own self-image is really good in every area other than dating. It's the one sticky part of my personal growth.

Does that help? I so appreciate y'all.

Jeez, Stewie, what's the worst that could happen? It's not like dating is like going in for exploratory surgery or anything.

Just set up something on nerve.com or Insert-Your-Online-Dating-Site-Here.

Have some faith in yourself in the world. Visualize the most fun you could have on a date and work towards that, rather than spinning this speech of "I don't/they don't/they never/I never" in your head all the time.

Or put another way, any damn fool can get in the morning and just say NO all day long. Why not say YES to yourself and see what happens?

Okay, then, here are a few things that worked for me in a very similar situation. (I was in my mid-thirties, met few men and even fewer who were eligible, saw little in common with the eligible men I did meet, and was very guarded. Sound familiar?)

I pushed myself to flirt. Not just with men, not just with eligible men, not with any one man --- just to flirt. I would make friendly happy chitchat with anyone: the grocery store clerks, the librarians, the couple sitting next to me at the coffee house, other customers at the farmers' market, whoever.

This had two effects:
- it got me comfortable with the idea of engaging in open, friendly, inviting banter with anyone.
- it pushed me to notice that strangers and near-strangers often had overlapping interests with me, and even when we didn't, we still enjoyed talking together.

I truly think that was crucial: I learned to open my eyes and see that I shouldn't limit my friendships (and incidentally my dating pool) to people with whom I shared known interests.

I spent a lot of my early life single, afraid to really put myself out there.

Now, looking back, I want to kick myself for the many many opportunities that I either did not recognize as such, or that I lacked confidence to pursue.

This dating thing seems, in your mind, like a forced march. I know that talk is cheap, but perhaps some FUN could be pursued, and then other stuff may (or may not) fall into place.

Hey, you're cute and smart (and, I assume have lots of other great qualities). There are lots of people who like that in a person.

My game plan (for when I feel confident enough to date): It's a numbers game. Put up profile on at least 3 dating sites. IM and email. Go for coffee. Repeat.

One of my biggest problems is that I assume that there's nobody out there that I would like who would like me. It's the Groucho Marx conundrum. But there are lots of wonderful people hidden everywhere, and from time to time, some of those people are single. Or so I hope.

Elsa's plan seems to have worked. Her honey (to whom she is married) is a honey. So listen to Elsa.

And on preview, danf is right. feels like a forced march. And one I've been on before, and the destination broke my heart. But I'm smarter now, and I can have a better outcome. We deserve fabulous lives, and fabulous people in them. Really.

And what LT says: the YES idea is potent.

I noticed a few years ago that I spend a lot of time finding reasons why something won't work, poking holes in plans. I decided to spend more time using the improv game: don't say no --- say "yes, and..."

5. I think I have a mental block about even considering men I meet as possibilities.

Oh, man, this is familiar to me. When I met The Fella, I rapidly developed a crush on him, but for a looooong time, I convinced myself out of pursuing it. He was this baseball-jersey-wearing sports fanatic who probably didn't even know my name. I was a hard-studying geek with no interest in sports. What could we possibly have in common?

Boy, does that worry make me look silly now!

I'm saying: it's unpredictable where your most important connections will arise. Don't block 'em because you're anxious, or because you think you know people by their immediate appearance.

On preview: Awwwww, theora55. He really is a honey.

I think Elsa's right -- just start flirting/talking with everyone. (You also have the advantage here of living in the South, where striking up random conversations seems to be more culturally the norm, which is nice.)

Don't worry about saying yes to particular men, just start saying yes to the universe (errm, in a non-sexual way, for the most part!).

Random exercise suggestion: I once gave myself a challenge of complimenting at least one stranger a day for a few months; it was a nice way of shifting myself out of critique mode and into actively-engaging-with-and-looking-for-good-in-the-world-around-me mode.

It sounds like you just need to build your confidence a bit.

Just join a dating site and put up a picture: you're bound to get responses. Maybe you could make it a plan to go on at least one date a month.

If you follow the usual safety advice and don't give out your home address, and meet in a public place: then the only thing you're risking is embarrassment.

It's interesting for me right now to note my reaction to many of these suggestions. I'm guessing it reveals a lot. For most of them I think "Nope, doesn't work. Tried it." or "Already doing that!"

In short: "rather than spinning this speech of "I don't/they don't/they never/I never" in your head all the time." as LT wrote is exactly what I do.

So perhaps the first step is getting past that. How do you do this? You'd think with as much therapy as I've done I'd have learned this along the way.

Oh, and with the profile I had up at OK Cupid, I got maybe...one message every three months? And the guy was inevitably a combination of at least two of the following: creepy, 20 years older, poly, married, physically repulsive.

See what I mean? Gut reaction is NO NO NO NO NO NO NO. Is this what they call learned helplessness? Hm. Food for thought.

I'm going to mention it again: "Yes, and..."

I used it not as a dating rule, but as a way to escape my knee-jerk negativity about all kinds of things. When I found myself dissecting why something wouldn't work, I stopped, gave myself a gentle mental shake, and reframed it: "[thing X] can work if I [whatever]."

For dating this might read like this:
"My profile only gets hits from creepy-sounding guys with wives."
"My profile is bound to provoke responses outside my interests, and it's inevitable that some of them are creepy. If I leave it up, maybe it'll get some more suitable responses, too. Maybe I can tweak it to better target my desired responses*."

*Yes, I know you've thought of this, because you're no fool. I'm just trying to suggest ways to reframe your thoughts.

"That guy is way too interested in [baseball/his car/ Cat Fancy magazine/ whatever] for me to be interested in him."
"This guy is really passionate about [baseball/his car/ Cat Fancy magazine/ whatever] --- I wonder what else he's interested in!"

To give you my own most recent example: The Fella wants to have people over. Like, soon.

"But my home improvement project means we have limited kitchen space and limited seating. We don't have time to market properly, and it's going to be mighty crowded!"
I said, "I'd love to --- and let's have tapas! I can make a bunch of stuff ahead, and we can just nibble from small plates! We'll pick up food at the little neighborhood places!" I found a way to say "Yes, and..."

Stewie - when you just do the NO NO NO thing, all you're doing is re-inforcing a comfortable pattern of negation that you can hide in and never have to work on.

YES means you're opening up to something, whatever it is, and that necessarily implies some kind of risk and responsibility for what you do. This is by definition going to cause friction.

Another thing to ask yourself with this whole thing is: What are you REALLY getting out of all this NO-ism? What kind of payment are you subtly giving yourself that keeps you from acting on it?

Man, I came all the way out from Seattle with my entire future in a duffel bag for Meeks back in 2006. We hadn't even met in person yet! But we're still together now, happier than ever, and I totally took a flyer on that.

That was a damn big YES I told myself. But you can do something that suits your life and mood that isn't that drastic that could lead you to a beautiful situation also.

Give yourself room to say these things to yourself instead of the NO that you know:

"I'm going to try this and see what happens."

"I'm going to do one thing today that is different than what I've done before."

"I'm going to make a list of all the things I love and see if I can turn that into a personal ad."

NO gets you nowhere. YES gets you anywhere and everywhere.

Oooh Elsa, that's REALLY helpful. I know how to reframe things. Your explanation and examples have helped clarify what you meant. This also seems like something concrete that I can do! Whee!!

And LT, same. I'm getting teary-eyed with optimism. And fear. But that's a good thing.

I am completely behind Lipstick Thespian on this one. Both figuratively and literally. LT, look behind you! BOO!

Seriously though, Stewriffic, take that great big old heart of yours and expose it. It may break a time or two, usually does, but you have to be open to it. Shit, it sure sounds a lot easier than it is, and it is scary as all getout, but you are in a good space in your life, and you are ready for it - I don't think it will take more than a simple nudge to push you off the edge, falling headways into DatingLand.

Lots of good advice here which I, too, am taking careful note of.

A mild disclaimer for everything I said above: boy oh boy, am I not qualified to give dating advice. I'm under no illusions about that! I'm just chatting about what worked to make me more positive and more open to others. That certainly helped when I decided to ask out The Fella, but it's generally made me happier, too.

I'm glad the examples helped illustrate my point, Stewriffic; the tapas one I just lived through really illuminates a big difference between me three years ago and me now. Me Now has a lot more fun, because she is much likelier to say YES, and!

I haven't been saying "And you're a peach, Stew; you're a delight, you're smart and funny and active and interesting and any guy would be lucky to have you," because I think you know that. But it's all true, too.

Has dating advice ever worked for anyone ever? My advice is just usually "let it happen."

Eideteker, as always, is right on. Too often, people (i.e. me) think if they can only control the situation, if only they can work hard on not being shy or not pushing other people away or not doing any number of things, the chances of them meeting someone will improve. It won't. It'll happen when it happens. When someone comes along that you like, you'll forget about your issues and pursue that person--or, if you're busy pushing them away and it's meant to be, then that person will pursue you. If they like you that much, they'll like your flaws too. It won't happen on a date where you're sitting across from someone who was the least-irritating person you could find online, and you're busy hoping to control overanalyzing the situation.

Not to be too negative, but for what it's worth it's so, so hard to find someone our age. Yes, there are people out there, but they're so few and far between. Online dating is generally evil; people can be perfect on paper but totally not in real life. And I've noticed that at social events, such as meetup.com and such, people don't go to them in hopes of finding cool people to hang out with, they go as a "diversion" from their otherwise busy, busy lives, lives that don't have room to include a new friend. And as you've said, when you actually do meet people who are available, they're just not your type. And when you do finally meet someone who is your type, he'll reject me you because the way you chew your food reminds him too much of his ex-wife. Which is so not an issue when you're younger. It's like finding a needle in a haystack. (And in my experience, flirting with people in coffee shops doesn't work; they just think you're being creepy.)

Oops, sorry to rant...anyhoo, all you can do is be yourself. Nothing more, nothing less.

My sympathies, Stew. It is very hard. My only suggestion, not having read all the comments above, is to get out on activities of your own (shows, clubs, classes, etc.) as much as possible. The last time I was dating anyone, I met her while standing in line going into a poetry slam... Try to maximize your own fun (irrespective of meeting anyone) and keep expectations low. Or not... I'm the last person qualified to give advice on this topic.

I'm with Melismata via Eideteker who begat. . .

I think I've been on one official date in my life. I find the idea sort of creepy, like shopping for something that really can't be bought.

I have friends, however, who do date, and think it's fun. Funny how they always seem to have dates, except when they have decided they are Not Dating.

So dear stewriffic, my question is - do you want to date? It doesn't sound like you do, it sounds like it would be torture for you. You want to meet someone, and you will, eventually, and who knows what will happen then but the worm always turns and always will.

Well, good point, rainbaby. I don't want to go on dates, per se. I want to share my life. And to share someone else's.

I'm not talking about going on dates as an end in itself. I mean find a partner. Longer-term ideally, shorter-term just fine.

And I do think that being reminded how to turn the negative thoughts around on themselves will help me engage better in my life as a whole. I've been being kind of a loner for the past several months, and I need to get out of that pattern.

WHEW!

I just need to figure out a system for remembering to take this step every day.

Sounds like you've had enough slow and cautious!

I completely agree with this. Long before I met (or even knew of) LT I had been through a very long dry spell after a very lousy relationship, and had a lot of ideas that I wasn't ever going to find anyone I could be with. I actually addressed this very issue in therapy. It was my own fear of relationships - seriously - that was holding me back. I had a lot of mistaken beliefs about the kind of person I was or needed to be, the kind of person I needed to find, the seriousness of dating, the potential disastrousness (or so I feared) of embarrassing myself or making wrong choices, blah blah blah.

In the end it was a bunch of hooey and I managed to have good experiences dating a couple guys where nothing major happened before finding one I'm happy with. But the important part is to GET STARTED. Don't let your age, fears, location, or any nonsense in your head get in your way. Start right now. Put yourself on a dating site. Tell friends you'd like to be set up if they know anyone. Flirt with everyone, like Elsa says. Don't waste any more time! Dating is crazy and messy and silly, but opening yourself up is worth the trouble. You are definitely a great person - generous, funny, smart, skilled, caring, self-possessed - in short, a wonderful catch for a wonderful person who's out there somewhere, and you will find him. Respectfully tell your nagging "too scary!" voices to shut up, and put yourself in la boca del lupo.

I really want to be helpful, but I don't know how. I'm a big fan of "Yes, and..." and just saying "YES!" to positive things in general, and while I would like to find a partner, I'm also encountering the same kinds of negatives when I consider all the potential partners I know:

-A. has 2 kids and is starting a separation
-B. has social/mental issues
-C. is a damn fine friend, possibly my best NYC friend, and has already decided that we're not long-term compatible partners
-D. is great and kind, but has been burned to much by relationships is contemplating a move to Austin, Texas
-E. is poly, already has two other girlfriends, and may be moving to either Philadelphia or Florida
-F. still has a bit of growing up to do

Etcetera and so on.

Frankly, at almost 32, I am starting to think I may end up being the bachelorette of my family's generation.

Much as I love Eideteker (and you know I do), I do have a little beef with the general run of "let it happen" advice, or maybe it's more of an implementation question.

I was raised with a sort of magical-thinking 'when the time is right, it'll happen' idea that ended up really letting me off the hook for developing a sense of personal agency in relationships, or even an idea that it was perfectly okay, within my rights and reasonable activities to go out and seek a relationship, or be honest with people about when I wanted one. "Letting it happen" can be interpreted the wrong way, so as to mean "do nothing and hope to be noticed."

I think this advice had a pretty negative impact on me early on. I think women, especially, can be encouraged to note that it may not 'just happen' for you unless you take some risks yourself with the idea that you're moving toward what you want - even if those risks are flirt a little, put yourself in situations where you're going to meet someone, tell friends you're ready to meet someone, put an online dating profile up, etc. etc. Some people are lucky enough to have a great thing fall into their lap. For others, there's no such deus ex machina. So if you want a relationship, you need to do the things that increase the likelihood of entering one - be willing to feel, be willing to try, assert your desires, be open.

I'm super passive in most areas, but I'm shockingly aggressive about pursuing people I like. Like most people, I think of myself as super picky, and I think something happens subconsciously where I think that if I don't pursue people I actually like there'll be no more people I like.

In other words, I've never seriously dated anyone who's pursued me. I pursued my current partner pretty heavily, and of my other 2+ year relationships I pursued both hard too. Of everyone I've given a chance who pursued me, I've felt deeply uncomfortable dating.

I do think LT's advice is great, but since we're all unique special snowflakes, just thought I'd chime in on what's worked for me: Being creepily aggressive!

You are definitely a great person - generous, funny, smart, skilled, caring, self-possessed - in short, a wonderful catch for a wonderful person who's out there somewhere, and you will find him.

Definitely. There is a guy out there somewhere who is looking for you. Make sure you're making yourself available.

Much as I love Eideteker (and you know I do), I do have a little beef with the general run of "let it happen" advice, or maybe it's more of an implementation question.

True. That advice might be more germane to males, and young males at that. And, contrary to my (somewhat joking) dis to dating advice at the outset of the thread, I think Stew's got plenty of stuff to chew on here. Go have yourself a good time, woman! I still think if you're out there, enjoying yourself, and not forcing it, you'll make some progress.

How I Met the Man I am Going to Marry Next Week:

1. Give up any illusions you have of meeting someone. More on this later.
2. Join an RL brick and mortar organization or group that you will meet people face to face with a passion for something (political org, Model Train Collectors, People for Putting Pants on Pets, etc)
3. Listen to your instinct when it tells you to take 2 steps in front of the guy you have talked to a couple of times. You have nothing to lose. NOTHING. If he rejects you, forget him and move on. Remember, you aren't shopping around.
4. Be open. Stop trying to hide who you are. Stop wanting men to be something they aren't. This is what step 1 is all about. Once you aren't "looking" anymore, the pressure is off, and you can become friends with someone first.
5. You know what your "type" is? Contemplate the guys who are the complete opposite to that.
6. Don't limit it yourself because of things you believe to be true about yourself. You don't risk things because you believe you don't risk things. Try convincing yourself you are daring and see how things change for you. Seriously, visualise what you would be like if you were bolder, then try that course of action.

Seriously, right before I met Future Mr. Cupcakes I was 36, had been single for YEARS (and I do mean single), and was convinced I was going to have to start investing in cats. when I met him, I had given up and was just looking to do something fun. He's the complete opposite of every man I had ever dated before and turned out to be a perfect match.

I went through a period in my early 30's when I joined a bunch of dating services. I was convinced I'd be single forever, everyone I worked with my age was getting married, & I was lonely. What happened was I was flooded with calls & while I didn't go on a date with all of them, it got me used to learning how to listen for character through the noise of nerves (theirs, not mine). When it didn't work out, it got easier to move on, because I hadn't invested a lot of emotion or time, since I got quicker at seeing what I liked & what I didn't like.

I didn't end up with any of them (because I didn't accept I was gay at the time), but I met some nice people, & was able to walk comfortably from the ones I didn't have fun with.

Many years later I put a profile on a gay site, got several local calls & a few distance calls. I knew what to expect from the earlier dating experience. I ended up with one of the distance calls & am still happy after over 9 years.

So here's what I'd say:

1. Be yourself.
2. Trust your guts.
3. Love yourself first.
4. Do what YOU like to do & what interests you. That includes trying new things. Shoot for one new (to you) thing a month. (Volunteer at SEEDS in Durham?)
5. Keep your sense of humor! (I once had a blind date with a guy on a beautiful warm & sunny day. The guy showed up in ALL BLACK long sleeves and jeans & the first thing he said was, "I don't like the sun." Been laughing about that one for years.)

Take comfort in knowing there is no such thing as too many friends.

I LOL'd at this: I was going to have to start investing in cats.

Lemme know if you want to go get a beer or take a walk or something. :)

Well, good point, rainbaby. I don't want to go on dates, per se. I want to share my life. And to share someone else's.

Meetups. MetaChat, MetaFilter, Etsy, Ravelry, etc.

These people have similar interest as you. Going out gives you more opportunity to make friends and that expands your "dating pool" These friends will have other events to which you will be invited and therefore meet more people, and expanding the pool even more. At worse case, you meet interesting people, go to interesting places, drink interesting beverages, eat interesting foods. Medium case, you do all the things in the last category and you make a great friend or two who want to hang out on a regular basis. Best case, well, you can make your own assessment of what your best case is.

This is essentially how turtlegirl and I met. I was in a down place after a breakup of a 5-year relationship. I organized a weekly gathering at a centrally located pool hall and each week people would show up. There eventually became a crew of regulars and we all hung out and did various things, including our weekly gathering. Eventually one of the people I met there invited her friend (turtlegirl) to join one night. The rest is documented elsewhere on the web.

A few weeks ago, turtlegirl and I went to DC and organized a meetup at this same pool hall, and about 25 people showed up, and it was like we had never left. The woman who introduced us came. Our favourite bartender was working (7+ years!) We all had a grand time. We do this every time we are in DC.

Good luck.

I forgot to mention that when turtlegirl and I moved up to Vermont, we looked for local blogging-like groups in the area, and found uvmeet.com where we met fellow knitters and homebrewers. We went bowling, to group knitting pizza and beer outings, house parties, etc.

Has dating advice ever worked for anyone ever? My advice is just usually "let it happen."

Yes. At the point where I got tired of failing to connect or spazzing, I was given this gem of advice, "You're not afraid that she's going to say 'no', you're afraid that she's going to say yes." Once I had that sorted out, it was a lot easier to take the first step.

As far as getting past the first impression, I search for conversational common ground.

(Volunteer at SEEDS in Durham?)
Heh. I've been doing that for over a year.

But you guys seriously rock. I think what i need to do now is create a map or a flow-chart thing to look at every day. So I don't forget these things!

Wise words, plinth.

"You're not afraid that she's going to say 'no', you're afraid that she's going to say yes."

Awesome! Yeah, that's a different kind of "let" than I was thinking. It's more of a "take a risk" kind of let, "allow things to happen rather than blocking yourself" kind of let.

Well, last night I took one of those small specific steps I mentioned I was looking to identify. I'd spent some time with a friend in the a.m. but didn't have plans for the rest of the day. So I posted to facebook that I didn't have plans and was anyone up for doing something. I know, I know, that's pretty passive, but I seriously didn't have anyone particular in mind to hang out with, nor anything in particular that I wanted to do.

Welp, a woman I'd met once before and who sems cool responded. She moved a couple of months before I did to a house that's really close to my new one. So we're now neighbors. I went over to her house and she, her partner, and I all chatted.

Doesn't sound like much, but I was really quite nervous. So I took a small step and rather than feeling sorry for myself that I didn't have anything to do last night, I reached out. And it worked! Also, it might sound unrelated to the topic I posted about, but I think that expanding my social circle will inevitably help my state of being as well as putting me in touch with newer people.

I didn't have that great of a time, to tell the truth. But I kept reframing my thoughts about it. I concentrated on making that step forward, on taking the risk, etc.

This is my new project.

Good for you! It sounds like you pushed a little beyond what's typically comfortable for you, and that's hard to do --- you should be pleased!

Also, it might sound unrelated to the topic I posted about, but I think that expanding my social circle will inevitably help my state of being as well as putting me in touch with newer people.

This!

Helping to erode the artificial distinction between "dating" and "socializing" can also take off some of the pressure associated with "OMG DATING!" If you have a large and active social circle, you can relax and enjoy the company of those in it instead of sizing up guys as prospects --- and that's often what people mean by the truism that you meet someone when you're not looking.