1. it's a Guy at Home Week (hurray!)
2. it's a Chicago Meet Up week (hurray!)
3. still don't have a new job; still behind in my summer law lecture prep; still behind in the housecleaning. I guess that means it's a Monday.

1. I'm feeling insecure, pathetic, and incompetent. I barked some orders at my youngest kid this morning and I hate myself when I act like that. It's so unbecoming, not fair, and starts the day on a sour note.

2. I'm wondering if I'll ever be able to change. I feel like I need to change my entire personality and habits.

3. Last night I watched Into the Storm on HBO. The night before I watched Downfall, or Der Untergang. Both are great movies, especially Downfall. Downfall allowed me to really get a grasp of what was happening towards the end.

At the moment I'm listening to some good tunes a friend sent me.

1. Up too early. Supposed day off, but I am behind in a few things. Not surprisingly I have over extended myself again.

2. My father's doctor found a new lump in his lung, close to where he had cancer many years ago. Surgery imminent. If cancerous, they need to remove the entire lobe! Probably scheduled in a few weeks.

3. My relationship of 14 years has been quite rocky over the last 2 weeks. I don't know. Maybe we are coming to the end, and that makes me sad. Maybe we can fix it still, but right now I don't know.

(Sorry, a bit of a downer. I hadn't acknowledged the last two things to myself until just now.)

1. oh god its monday
2. oh god its monday
3. oh god its monday

Hugs, cookies and Irish coffee for all!

4. oh god i'm using the phrase oh god

1. I got home about two hours ago. It was the flight from hell, completely packed, and I got about 2 hours' sleep. The only thing they had left for dinner when they got to me was beef bourgignon, which I can't have because of the wine (I chose it once and could smell the wine in it immediately I took the cover off). So all I had was a teeny tray of lettuce and shredded carrot, and a little cookie. Then an hour before landing I became invisible and they didn't see me when they were giving out the breakfasts. When they came to clear the trays, I asked if I could have a breakfast and they had none left. :-( And although the airline said they'd swapped me to an aisle seat, they hadn't, and the woman next to me fell asleep before the damn plane took off and stayed asleep for hours. I, in the meantime, because of this UTI, needed to pee every ten minutes, and I had to hold it as long as I could, in great discomfort. On the plus side, there were two episodes of The Office (American) showing in the seat-back video doo-dah that I hadn't seen before.

2. I have been to the supermarket for enough food for the next two days - I'm back at work tomorrow. And the first load of laundry has just finished and is ready to be hung out on the line.

3. Oh, and as some of the NY bunnies already know this, I'll tell the rest of you. Jason and I are no longer together - no big dramas, no fallings out, all completely amicable. We'd talked about it at length before my trip and concluded that our relationship has reached its natural end and that it's time for us both to move ahead solo. We are the best - the very best - of friends.

Sorry, point 1 was a bit ranty. But I'm really tired.

1. Woke up after a night of strange and troublesome dreams. Thankfully not a cocaroach.

2. Trying to get freelancers in one place is worse than herding cats. It's herding cats who have day jobs and night hours.

3. I don't want to draw anything today but I haven't done any work in like, a week.

1. Atul Gawande will probably be kicked out of the AMA for writing this; in fact, he should be appointed Surgeon General for it.
2. Confessions of a Pepsiholic: "It could have been drugs or alcohol. It could have been gambling or chasing women. Turned out it was Pepsi."
3. Electric Avenue by Eddy Grant

1. Had an absolute blast at the Houston meetup last night.

2. So looking forward to going to New Orleans for the 10th anniversary meetup in July!!!!

3. I came out of the closet last night at the meetup, so I might as well here: fucking Entertainment Weekly and their damned cover story this week got me watching Project Runway, and I'm hooked. FUCK! I'm midway through the second season and I have such the fucking fierce gay boy crush on Tim Gunn it's not EVEN funny. I also adore Daniel V. from the 2nd season--no spoilers please, if he gets cut I'll DIE--so I've got this boy/man/sage trinity thing going on in my head today, which is tripping me out but it's also kinda hot.

1. Feeling like complete shit today. I just want to go back to bed and hide from everything and not have to worry about stuff. Forever. At least I can recognize this downward trend for what it is, even if I can't exactly cut it off at the pass. I'll just have to ride it out, like I've always done.

2. I've got ~*important*~ shit that I should be doing at work, but I can't seem to get motivated to do any of it because the one project involves me probably coming off like a huge asshole pretending like I know more about this particular collection than the decision makers (which I probably do, sry to say) and the other basically has fizzled out and isn't anywhere nearly as spectacular as I would've liked and basically comes down to 'yay google'.

3. I really hope my brother finally manages to install the washer/dryer today. I'm going to be quite crankypants if I have to spend another week dragging my ass to my parents house. Especially because that means that I have to deal with my parents, which has become more and more of a chore because they do nothing but nitpick and snipe at each other. Ugh.

1. I have the day off today due to a small trip I was going to take to Virginia that I ended up not being able to afford to take.

2. I am on some meds that are making me ever-so-slightly lightheaded. Since I don't have to go anywhere, it's rather fun.

3. I am enjoying the sunshine and catching up on undone laundry (but being very careful about going up and down the basement stairs, see #2).

1. Woke up with a sore throat, hope I am not getting sick for real.
2. Did the final sweep of the old apartment, got rid of extra furniture and appliances, went through all my cables and wired and got rid of 9 (Nine!!) extra ethernet cables.
3. Work is such a mess. I can't even see the light at the end of the tunnel. I don't feel like stepping into the maelstrom and starting to sort out all the problems yet, so I'm here, I guess.

1. My grandfather is dying and I didn't get a chance to visit him before all that was him went away.

2. When the inevitable happens, I have to face the funeral and my family alone because my wife needs to stay home and take care of the farm.

3. I can barely contain my rage, and my wife her's, about some recent current events. Trying to remain constructive and productive is a challenge.

*bonus round*

4) Things could be worse. Things are actually alright. It's a fine world.

1. Went in to work at 11PM last night for what was supposed to be a quickie overnight install, and didn't get out until just before 1AM. Back at work now, and it already feels like Wednesday afternoon, even though it's Monday morning. Bah.

2. My desk is right next to some communal tables, and while I normally appreciate the window into everyone's lives, I'm cranky as all hell (see 1) and I had to resort to headphones because I couldn't stand to hear the woman on crutches explain it away by saying she "can't play volleyball like she could when she was 16 anymore!"

3. 2nding crush's Chicago meetup enthusiasm to the bajillionth degree. Just wish I could sleep non-stop between now and then.

1. I really, really need a new mattress.

2. I had to include a sample printout of our product in the operator's manual I'm updating. I was all ready to scan the printout when I noticed the words: "server name: bonehead". That's the name of the server the software guys are using to test the product. I'll have to ask them to change it before it can be included in the manual.

3. The viola guy just called and left me a message wondering if I'm going to purchase the viola. "Perhaps you want a less costly one?" I'm embarrassed to call him back; I don't want a cheaper one, I want the one I picked, but I don't quite have the money yet. Hopefully we can work something out.

1. demo at customer site starts next week, boss is still messing with travel plans; latest round is boss asking for me to fly from vacation straight to customer site instead of home.

2. made creme brulee over the weekend and knocked it out of the park, and now the girlfriend has declared me a dab hand at the custard.

3. vacation mentioned in (1) is upcoming, and is badly needed; breath is bated.

Melismata! Call him and tell him. On his side it's way, way more frustrating to be left in limbo than it is to hear "I don't quite have the money yet, can we work something out?" He won't be in any better mood for working something out if you put it off. I am an inveterate procrastinator of phone calls myself, but in this case do as I say, not as I do. *kick* *prod*

1. I have *so much* work to do in my final four weeks
2. Was wonderful seeing Jan again last week
3. My goal tonight is to be asleep before 10.30pm. We shall see...

1. up at crack-ass of dawn for my new music show, which was interesting as another DJ at the station showed up halfway through my set to get on-air with it also, which was awkward, as it's my show. Plus, said DJ has communication issues, so it's hard to interact with him much on-air or off.

2. Ended up staying at the station for far too long, as I got roped into helping someone with a computer issue.

3. Then got hit up to come in and fill another slot in the afternoon as the person who should be doing it bailed at the last minute, and this is on top of me coming in to train a new batch of DJ's at 6pm.

1. Getting my eye stabbed for the second time.
2. It's gonna hurt bad and I'm dreading it.
3. I gotta pee.

1. Saw Dad on Saturday at the nursing home. We brought my mother's oldest friend (her kids are more like cousins to me than my real cousins). He did not recognize her. He also got very anxious about arranging our meeting with an administrator, because he thinks it's how he's going to get home. But it's more clear every time we go (twice a week) that he needs to be in care. It's like he's peeling off in chunks now.

2. We now have two properties in foreclosure. But after a meeting with a certified elder law attorney, I am thinking we might be able to get the numbers to work for a bankruptcy. Might. The first $130/day of his care is paid for by insurance, then they take from his Social Security, leaving about 8-10 days of private pay each month -- perhaps $600.

3. My nieces and nephew have a sort of common-law stepbrother who fell off the back of a pick-up truck when a load of plywood slid. He's been in an induced coma for a week and will probably not be awakened until mid-June, at which time they can evaluate for permanent brain injury. I don't feel too bad in being happy it wasn't my nephew who was also in the truck bed; I don't know how we would have dealt with one more blow that size.

1. On a search committee for a faculty position and it's causing me stress.

2. Monster headache due to 1. and allergies

3. Younger Boy has been a hellion at his gap daycare, and tried to run away from the summer camp before I'd even left the building this morning, so I'm jittery and hoping he's ok. I'm just barely keeping myself from calling over there.

4. Screw it, I'm gonna call.

re: the pepsi-holic. Hilarious! This pic is currently my desktop.

1. Went to "The View" this morning, with Marc and a friend from NYU. He skipped an audition to be there. The pre-show comic told that story to the ladies over the commercial break, and they all reamed him out for skipping an audition (Sherrie Shepherd especially). Then they told Paris Hilton and she SPOKE TO HIM saying she hopes he gets the job if he can audition again. It was HYSTERICAL and amazing and nobody saw it, not even the small parts that aired due to Obama cutting in with the GM press conference.
2. First pre-marital counseling session today, then a run at the gym.
3. My throat hurts. Booo allergies.

1. had a fanastic, low-key kinda weekend.

2. June looks to be insanely busy for me, both at work & in personal life

2a. how the hell is it JUNE already??

3. I've got to get home and do laundry. I'm out of clean socks.

Oh, and 4. I'm tempted to try to resolve some things with my three-years-ago ex by arranging a lunch on the day of the MeFi Ten meetup, when I'll be in Chicago. At the least to leave things in peace, I suppose. At the best I don't want to get dragged back into the psychodrama -- it wasn't good for either of us. So I know to keep some distance, I'm able to face that now, but I can't be sure that the temptation isn't just that.

and 5. I am handing out such poor advice -- obvious in hindsight -- on AskMe lately I am a bit frightened that *I* might be headed down a path of early-onset dementia. I don't feel my judgment has ever been so poor. Maybe I need to meditate or something.

1. My computer's hard drive imploded last week and I am tired of being without a computer, snatching moments on ikkyu2's or my workplaces' communal computer when I get a chance. It's annoying and it's making me cranky. On the other hand, I've been doing a lot more reading, which is nice. (And ikkyu2 has been marvelously generous at helping me save what data I could from the old hard drive, which is supernice.)

2. The woman who waxes my eyebrows does a terrific job on the waxing, but then she always does this weird mineral foundation thing to my face that is always just slightly heavier than I would like and slightly off in color, somehow, in a way that makes her believe that putting darker color on my eyebrows will fix it. It doesn't. I end up having to come home and wash my face before doing anything else during the day. I have not yet found a polite way of asking her not to put the makeup on that sticks -- I got out of it one session and thought it was a lasting agreement so I didn't bother bringing it up again, and now I guess we're back to drag-queen face.

3. I should either be calling my supervisor about a client right now or else attending an informal memorial service for a co-worker who just died, but I don't have the energy to deal with either of those things right now.

tps: "2. First pre-marital counseling session today, then a run at the gym."

Funny that you would link the two. ;-)

1. No job offers yet from the nine places I applied to last week. One e-mail. Oy.

2. Thinking about ditching the whole working-somewhere-else thing and just subletting and living on savings and granola or something.

3. One super-short-term job opportunity did come up, but it's up to my boss to let me go early, which he won't. Damn.

1. My iBook seems to be on its last legs (disks?). I'm trying to decide between A) getting more memory and having a Mac-whiz friend install it and try to fix everything else that seems wonky, or B) just getting a new Mac mini.

2. Trying to find where there might be any vigils for Dr. George Tiller in L.A. tonight, but so far can't seem to find any info.

3. Tired of June Gloom... I have new summer outfits I want to wear!

No job offers yet from the nine places I applied to last week. One e-mail. Oy.

The ratio I've heard is 100 resumes, 10 interviews, one job offer. It's a world of shit but don't blame yourself, and I heard those numbers before the Great Economic Clusterfuck.

Also: 1. Getting my eye stabbed for the second time.

What?

3. Tired of June Gloom... I have new summer outfits I want to wear!

When I lived there, I called it A Clockwork Grey, because, May and June, it's there, like clockwork, the dreaded Marine Layer.

I called it A Clockwork Grey

Brilliant!!

#3 update: Woo, washer and dryer are installed. New washer is shiny and has a nifty little 'minutes remaining' counter. It's also stealthy like a motherfucking ninja to the point where if I close the utility room door, I CAN'T HEAR IT FROM MY DESK, which is right next to it.

Funny that you would link the two. ;-)

Hehe, not sure why it's funny. I linked them mainly because I wore the same outfit to both, to avoid getting out of going to the gym. And I went! And I ran! I CONQUERED THAT GYM!

A Clockwork Grey and June Gloom are great names for the early summer marine layer (I called it the Dome of Doom). I do not miss that. My mum really hated it; I'll have to share the names with her.

Stet, re: stabbed in the eye. I'm getting a total of three injections of Avastin in my right eye to fight diabetic retinopathy (this was number two). I already have permanent damage and Avastin* is an experimental drug that may help stop it advancing. It's not really the after affects of the shot that hurts, it's the iodine they use to disinfect both my eye and the outside skin area around my eye. It feels like someone rubbed 50 grit sand paper across it.

*It's labelled use is for colon cancer.

Update:
1. So yes, my eye hurts like a son of a bitch.
2. The mister is making breakfast tacos for dinner.
3. There is no three.

"Hehe, not sure why it's funny." - You will know why about a year after you have been married.

1. I'm in Denver for a business trip, and I apparently know way more people here than I realized. I doubt I'll get to see everyone. To tell the truth, I don't really feel like seeing anyone. Tonight I ordered in room service (fancy!) and will crash out early again.

2. I have gotten nosebleeds* from the altitude, but at least I have a view of the mountains. Last night there were some gorgeous storms.

3. I managed to mess up my tailbone somehow. I didn't fall or anything; it's a mystery. I woke up this morning and noticed it, took some ibuprofen, and then this afternoon when the ibuprofen had worn off, I suffered. I can only sit in certain ways, and when I move it's bad enough for me to wince uncontrollably. Between the old-lady movements the tailbone injury** is forcing on me and the bloody hankie I keep clutched in my hand, I feel somewhat pathetic.


*Not gushers.
**Could it be from sitting in the wrong position on the plane for 3 hours? I slept the whole time and didn't really move. Cause if it's not that? I have no idea. And of course I'm in a training this whole week. Sitting on my ASS.

1. Discovered the prettiest little coffeeshop today, a few blocks from the new office, and am going to have to figure out ways to spend some time there. Doing what, is the question...

2. Have spent several pleasant hours this weekend and morning entering genealogical data at Geni and really enjoying its interface and layout, which lets you navigate around your family tree like it's a google map. Love it.

3. Feeling increasingly that maybe I don't have the depression or the anxiety under control anymore. I don't know exactly what I should do about it this time, or what I could afford to do. Sometimes I think I'd be willing to pay $100/hour for someone to hug me and say firmly in endless repetition, "It's going to be okay."

1. Paid rent today, bought groceries, and now have a whopping $26.00 in the bank until Friday. Whee. Hope my ex starts paying child support again, but I'll bet that's just a pipe dream.

2. Still on a high after my Mom treated my sons and I to the new Pixar release, "Up". Ya gotta go!! I think it's the best one I've seen so far. Halfway through, my 12 year old leans over and asks "Can we get this one on DVD?" Oh, yes, we will!

3. Stopped by my in-laws' to see my neice and nephew. Missed them!