How did you get inside MY head rb?

'cept for the rollers. . .

Yikes, that sounds like no fun, rainbaby. Hope your day is (internally) calmer from here on out.... *hug*

You can have the other half of my Xanax and borrow my rollers, danf.

So, metachat, is this snowball effect of worry - it's not a panic attack - is this sorta messed up, or is it totally normal and I'm being a wus? I just sometimes get to a place where it seems like I can't turn it off on my own.

Thanks BP, I'm fine now, the medecine fixed it.

Here is my brain:

Will daughter blow off school, since this is her last term? Will she flunk astronomy, thereby pissing away over $1K in tuition?
Is my urine cloudy? Are my kidneys failing?
Is this slight tightness in my chest the BIG ONE that I have been waiting for?
OMG I sweated a bit last night. . .is this lymphoma?
Did wife stumble on the history of porn on the laptop from that night a few weeks ago?
What if I get audited?
What if the net people here at work are reading this as I send it?
What if daughter gets my irreplaceable 1960 Guild F40 stolen?
What if her sweet gf turns out to be a psychopath?
Will my huge cedar trees fall and kill any neighbors during the next wind?
Will I mess at work up and will my screw up make the paper? (I get in the paper now and then, usually for something non-screw-uppy.)
I am past due for an oil change . . .will the car blow up?
What we get to Seattle and they do not honor my will call for tickets for Leonard Cohen which I paid too much for anyway?

On and on. . .

*pops the half xanax*

is this sorta messed up, or is it totally normal and I'm being a wus?

Is it bothering you? It is interfering with your daily life, social activities, or work? Is it screwing with your sleep? It's hard to tell tone from the internet (i.e., are all those questions you listed just idle wonderings, or do they feel like life-and-death need-to-know-NOW heart-racing questions?), but it sounds unpleasant, at the very least.

We're a society addicted to adrenaline, and it's not really productive or healthy, despite our delusions to the contrary, and so I don't know that it's totally helpful to measure your distress against others', but just do what's right for you.

*calming hugs*

I did read a self-helpy article the other day that I thought was an interesting take, suggesting that when those voices pop up in one's head, rather than arguing with them just say, "Thanks for trying to keep me safe" and work on accepting that part of the self instead of beating yourself up about it.

I don't know that it would break a major anxiety/panic attack, but I think it'd be interesting to work on for the everyday "OMG OMG OMG" voice. I do think that telling those voices to shut up can sometimes paradoxically make them louder, because they are trying to tell us something important from time to time ("Saber tooth tiger over there! Run!"); promising to take their advice into consideration sometimes mollifies them better.

occhiblu - interesting take, the "thanks for trying to keep me safe". When I had those rolling thoughts in high school during my religious phase I attributed those thoughts to Buddy Jesus. It was helpful then; my beliefs just aren't framed that way anymore.

I try to clear my thoughts, resolve the worries, before I pop the xanax, because like pain-killers, it can mask something serious.

I try to find "proof" in my head that something is done or undone, replay the memories, but it's a trick when you're tripping out. I usually use "Future Backwards". I'm here now. What happened before that? And what happened before that? and so on. I can usually get all the way back to waking up in the morning.

is this sorta messed up, or is it totally normal and I'm being a wus?

I'm with occhiblu - see how it may be messing with your normal life, can't get things done or even started. If you feel like you can't start one thing because you'll be thinking about all the other things.

My personal theory, which I just now made up, is that if those fears/anxieties paralyze you and prevent you from accomplishing anything (related to those tasks or to others), they're bad and you need to figure out how to deal with them.

If they spur you to action, and lead you to accomplish things, they're good, and they serve as a slightly frenetic mental to-do list.

And having reviewed this newly hatched theory, I've determined that mine are bad and I need to figure out how to deal with them.

Boy can I relate to this lately. I'm supposed to be on vacation, but I can't relax, knowing my principal's coming in to do a classroom observation of me next Tuesday (a friend of mine, who happens to be his secretary, tipped me that he's coming, though part of me wishes she didn't -- not that it's such a secret, since often they let you know when they're coming, but he apparently doesn't). Ordinarily, I wouldn't worry about this -- I've had all good obsservations in the past, including one from him, but I'm worried he still wants to retaliate against me for standing up for the kids when they were trying to suspend them for not wearing the school uniform (we're a public school, in a high poverty area, with over 90% of the students on free lunch, and students are not supposed to be suspended for uniform or dress code issues, according to the Discipline Code and Chancellor's Regulations, but my administration was doing it anyway). I've backed way off, for better or worse, after my principal "summoned" me to his office and later gave me an "unofficial" letter that went as far as to threaten future termination if I interfered with "any school policy," figuring it wasn't worth losing my job over. After all, how many students could they suspend? No number of suspensions was going to change the students' financial situations, and at least the students and parents had the information they were supposed to have, so it was up to them now if they wanted to pursue it. But now my head won't shut up about the possible negative outcomes... What if he gives me an Unsatisfactory rating? What if he gives me a "U" rating for the year? What if he's trying to block me from transfering to another school? What if he's trying to ruin me? Even though I've worked so hard and helped hundreds of students pass the state regents exam and graduate and helped the school earn an "A" rating in the city, what if none of that matters?

The worst part of it is there's just nothing I can do about it right now. It's fear of the unknown, that's what it is. He may just be doing his job, as Jon suggests, just coming in for the yearly observation (which I haven't had for two years, actually) and maybe intends to give me a fair evaluation, in which case, I shouldn't worry, just do my thing as usual and it'll all be fine. And if he does give me an Unsatisfactory rating for the year, I can, at that point, request an outside observer and evaluator from the union, who I'm sure would see that I'm a good teacher with a good record and would testify on my behalf, and then, given the threatening letter my principal wrote me, which he's not supposed to do, and how his new observation report would contradict his own old one and all my previous ones for seven years, plus testimony about the harrassment over the uniforms or dress code from other staff and students (I'm not the only teacher who was threatened), I think I'd have a good case for harrassment, and, if it came to that, wrongful termination. But I'm sure hoping it doesn't come to all that. I'm hoping he's not into that level of carrying out some kind of petty vendetta, but I know people can be mean and rotten and get carried away with their so-called power, and the fact that I was doing the right thing is no kind of protection, history tells us that.

Oh, brother... I'm probably just driving myself crazy for nothing, trying to safeguard against any worst case scenarios, but I don't know how to stop. I just have to do my best and wait and see and deal with whatever happens best I can. I just have to hope my principal realizes I'm no threat and I just want to do my job and I know I help the school overall, but I don't know. I also have to be prepared for one hell of a battle, cause I can tell you, I ain't going quietly. I do have a lot of union protection, it just could take up to a couple years to get it all straightened out if he wants to try and lie about me. It would be hard to charge me with incompetency when the regents scores for my students are more than 30% better than city average.

Geeze, I think I need a drink. If I could just stop thinking about it for awhile. Got any more of that xanax?

It's funny - I do really well (after a long time learning) with the concept that I can't control the past, or other people, ony my own actions in response to the events or people.

Maybe because it's almost a basic human need to believe in the illusion that the future is somehow at least partially controllable, I'm subject to the anxiety/adrenaline response. And dread.

Obviously it bothers me enough that I carry a prescription (not used often, catch, Pips). If I don't check it, it leads to behaviour like fleeing crowds or snapping at people. Bad news in an airport, say. I think it's just the way I'm wired.

So I get to say to Pips - "Honey, you can't control anything except your performance in the classroom evaluation. Get through that and see what happpens next." But that's exactly the kind of stress I put myself under all the time.

You're so right, rainbaby, I know this, and I'll tell myself the same thing, and then, before I know it, I'm engaged in yet another imaginary conversation with my principal, a judge, myself, in the shower or walking along the sidewalk, or drifting off while watching TV, or even waking up with it from a dream, and I catch myself but then it starts again. I know any sense of security's an illusion anyway, but it's still scary. I wish I could just rest from my own head for awhile. I'm very, very tired.

Appreciate the encouragement and words of wisdom, though, and thanks for the space to spill it all out there. On the larger world stage, and probably even on the stage of my own life, it doesn't and, with any luck, won't amount to much. In an odd way, though, knowing that makes it worse.

Pips, it must be stressful teaching in NYC schools. . .but I have a feeling that this observation will go great.

Holy shit, your principal sounds like a stupendous asshole pips! Do you have a trade union that could be helping with this?

SHIT SORRY PIPS i should read more thoroughly.. missed the union bit in there. Glad they will get your back if necessary.

Yeah, thanks, folks. I'm feeling a bit saner (and I haven't even had a drink yet). I did a little writing. That always calms me down. I haven't done much in awhile. I think I'll make some supper now. A steak and asparagus stirfry. We've been living on take-out and frozen food lately. Jon'll be home soon, and the Simpsons are on.

Wishing y'all that most illusive of illusives: peace of mind.