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29 March 2009

My cult is now officially a massive success! [More:]Today, for the first time in the years and years that my church website has been soliciting money from the masses, I awoke to find this message from Paypal:

You've Got New Funds!
Dear Thomas Topham,
This email confirms that you have received a donation of $13.28 USD from
[right-thinking soul's name redacted].
This can only mean one thing: my message is theologically sound, and God wants me to win.

Now come on, all you lovely chumps, if you are not tithing your full 10% to me how do you expect absolution for all those bad things you are doing? Do you think that donate button is just a joke, rather than a strongly worded suggestion direct from God? Just because I love you unconditionally doesn't mean I won't abandon you on Judgement Day if you haven't properly tithed.

And to that special someone who has done the right thing and won't be eternally damned: I love you unconditionally much more strongly now because you have sent me USD 13.28. Blessings upon you.
Oh. Looking more closely, that was an "l" not an "n".

Congratulations on your webvangelical success!

posted by TheophileEscargot 29 March | 10:38
When I was a kid, the church to which my mom dragged us gave out serial numbered envelopes so they could track tithes. Anyway, every Sunday my mom split her spare change among us kids to put in our envelopes. I always pocketed half.
posted by Ardiril 29 March | 10:48
Wait... wut?
posted by Doohickie 29 March | 21:02
Hold on, do I have to buy my indulgences from you or from Al Gore? You two really need to sort that detail out.
posted by trinity8-director 30 March | 00:15
Can't I just send you my fore-brain in a big squishy envelope?
posted by doctor_negative 30 March | 01:45
What sound do otters make when they talk? || Carrots? What carrots? I haven't seen any carrots ...

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