My cult is now officially a massive success! →[More:]Today, for the first time in the years and years that my church website has been soliciting money from the masses, I awoke to find this message from Paypal:

You've Got New Funds!

Dear Thomas Topham,

This email confirms that you have received a donation of $13.28 USD from

[right-thinking soul's name redacted].

This can only mean one thing: my message is theologically sound, and God wants me to win.

Now come on, all you lovely chumps, if you are not tithing your full 10% to me how do you expect absolution for all those bad things you are doing? Do you think that donate button is just a joke, rather than a strongly worded suggestion direct from God? Just because I love you unconditionally doesn't mean I won't abandon you on Judgement Day if you haven't properly tithed.

And to that special someone who has done the right thing and won't be eternally damned: I love you unconditionally much more strongly now because you have sent me USD 13.28. Blessings upon you.