Oh shoot! Can an admin please fix my More Inside?

Thank you. Man, you guys are on TOP of things.

It's a lovely notion, Specklet (the quote, not the on-top-of-things admins, though they are great too) but I wonder about that sometimes. I have feared losing some part of myself were I to curb some of my less-charming traits (I know, it's hard to imagine me having ANY less-charming traits, I know) but...still don't we have to try to quell those, while trying to celebrate our better traits? Continuous Quality Improvement of the self?

I'd have a hard time being so...welcoming to myself. Maybe that's my failing though. Wait. Should I also embrace that? I'm so confused.

On balance, then, I like this quote.

I also love the sentiment, especially the last half, while being a bit more reserved about the first half. Sometimes we make the mistake of thinking our nueroses are us, and so we're afraid to let them go. Sometimes you get stuck fearing an unknown self that doesn't have those challenges, so you keep them close to you to serve as your hideout, your excuse - or even something you hate, but is so familiar you just can't imagine who you'd be without them.

I felt that way about quitting smoking - a lot of smokers do - "I can't imagine myself not smoking! I am such a smoker! It's deeply ingrained in me! I'll be so boring and bland without cigarettes!" But all that was untrue - it was a rationalization for the fact that I was just more used to smoking (via addiction) than not smoking. And quitting opened up possibilities I couldn't have dreamed of as a smoker. Not that smoking is the same as neurosis, exactly, but it did illustrate how sometimes we refuse to change because of a mistaken belief that a lousy idea or behavior is central to who we are.

but...still don't we have to try to quell those, while trying to celebrate our better traits?

I tend to frame the challenge as needing to figure out when those traits are helpful (and using them then) and when they are not helpful (and not using them then).

I think it's also necessary to see the flip side of any trait and pay attention to both sides of it. Being "strong" in one situation may be helpful, while acting the same way in a different situation may just be being obstinate; you can't (in my opinion) get *rid* of the obstinacy entirely, because then you also lose the strength, so you need to instead build up a full array of coping mechanisms so that you can use "strong" when appropriate and "flexible" when appropriate and "abstract intellectual" when appropriate and "heartfelt emotional" when appropriate, rather than trying to apply only one tool to every situation.

That makes lots of sense occhi. I can totally see how various traits could have wildly different "value" depending on the situation at hand.

Pema studied under my in-laws' teacher.

I have known too many people who would use such a thought as a way to justify their jerkiness. In fact, I see a lot of this sort of behaviour on that other site many of us frequent. "It's the way I am, and me being me makes this site enjoyable. If you have a problem, it is your problem, not mine." In fact, it is one of the reasons I avoid the comments on that other site. "That's just so-and-so being so and so, and he's been here forever, so we let him slide where we would ban some other poor slob doing the same thing."

All that whining on my part being said, Pema kinda sounds like she is saying something I often say when people try to argue things like... say... "It's hard-wired into men to need multiple partners. Human males can't help thinking about other women." My argument is that while this may be true, the evolved male realises that those urges are no longer needed, and works to not be the jerk hitting on every woman in the room.

I think I am failing at making sense. I need a beer.

Thank you so much for your comments, guys; this is exactly the discussion I was welcoming.

terrapin, you are indeed making sense, and I would like to say to those people that you know who are justifying their jerkiness: "We can lead our life so as to become more awake to who we are and what we're doing..."

I think Pema's point is that yes, we all have our flaws, but they key is to wake up! Acknowledge! A self-righteous person may argue up one side and down the other about how they're right, but a self-aware person may pause to reflect.

Yes, yes. I like occhiblu's take on this a lot - having a range of responses available rather than a single knee-jerk type of response -- and Specklet's, that if one's mindful and in the present moment, one's more likely to be able to make a real choice about what's working in the present moment.

I've been working on making one particular change in myself since I was twelve because to leave myself as I was would also mean wasting my life. It is easy to accept your 'quirks' when they don't interfere with fundamental aspects of living.

I think I will never be finished with that little project even though I've learned a massive amount while progressing a great deal along the way.

There is no doubt that had I let myself be, as I was then, I would be miserable beyond imagining because of the untapped potential I recognized in myself.