Arrrgggg. I'm so sorry ... sounds like you had an awful week.

And it's been so cold here (we're in southern Lake County) and it makes me sad to think of you alone in a motel. I hope you can talk it out and start feeling better.

((((((hugs)))))))

People usually don't tell you this, but the first year of marriage can be the hardest. Really.

Warm soft whuffles to you, dear.

So sorry to hear. It's never easy, but things like this are even tougher early on in a marriage when you're still developing the dynamic between the two of you. Hopefully some time away has given both of you a chance to think a bit and level out so you can have a productive discussion and work on resolving the conflict. Good thought going your way.

I am so sorry to hear that. Things will get easier, really. I will give you the greatest advice my grandmother ever gave me. She was happily married to my grandfather for over 60 years and died 2 weeks after he did (almost literally of a broken heart, she just shut down and gave up). I once asked her what the secret to their marriage was. She told me, "Oh, there were years... YEARS where I couldn't stand the sight of him, but I always knew I loved him."

My personal opinion is, once you realize how utterly unimportant so much of what couples typically fight about really is, most arguments don't last nearly as long... a.k.a. don't sweat the small stuff and it's all small stuff. Let it out when it happens, don't let it accumulate and then burst down the dam wall.

My boyfriend and I are about to celebrate our 3rd anniversary and to date one of the worst arguments we ever had was in the 1st year. It was about the moral implications of sentient robots. Seriously. It ended with a lot of screaming and me storming out and driving off for an hour to cool down. Of course, that wasn't what it was really about, we were each carrying some resentment about some other issues we chose to try to ignore. Since then, we have decided to be more forthcoming about our problems and complaints. We "bicker" more frequently but very, very rarely have anything that can be construed as an argument.

Oh, desjardins, I am really sorry to hear that. I popped in just to offer some empathy and support. Marriage is tough, it can be really tough sometimes. I do some hating on my significant other at times, and he does on me, too. In part, because you are conveniently located at their side. But like evilcupcakes' wise grandmother said, you may not stand the sight of him sometimes, but you always know you love him. Life is a cycle, and everything in life is cyclical. Sometimes life is great, and sometimes it is shit. Then it's great again. I hope that at the very least the place you spent the night was nice. Perhaps a nice massage with breakfast in bed?

You know, I hear stuff like the stories here, and I realize why I never got married. Well, other than the fact no one their right mind would want to marry me, but I wouldn't be good at all in that situation. Maybe I take things on face value too much.

One good thing I heard along these lines was Judith Owen on Whad'ya Know? She was talking about being married to Harry Shearer, and how she didn't realize that being married was about absolutely loving someone, and half the time you want to stab their eyes out with a fork because they can be so infuriating. It's something adults never tell you as a kid, and when it happened to her, it caught her by surprise.

Oh sweetie, I am so sorry, and I'm worried for you. I remember a few times over the last year and a half where you were going to break up with him, and your concerns about the relationship. I'm glad he's accepted responsibility for bad behaviour and I hope you're able to work through this together.

This is probably stupid to say because I probably live far away from you (do I?), but if you need a place to stay, EVER, my home is always open to you. We will get pizza and watch so-bad-they're-good movies and you can pet my cats and I will screen his calls and if you want, tell him he fucked up. I'm not afraid to make an enemy of your partner if the situation calls for it -- ask my friend Laura.

That goes for all of you. Srsly.

Hugs for you desjardins. Some great advice on this thread. Mrs. Doohickie and I will celebrate 25 next summer, and what bunnyfire and evilcupcakes said is very true.

Being in a marriage is an adjustment. You both want it to work out so much and are so emotionally invested in it that it's only natural that it bubbles over sometimes.

If you accept that he apologized, took responsibility, and said he loved and missed me and you're ready to go back, I suggest going back in a negligee covered in a raincoat. ;-)

I am so sorry about this. Don't make excuses for him.. Please let me know if I can be of any help..

I'm sorry.....

desjardins, not getting along with your partner is such an awful feeling. I'm so sorry.

I've left a few times to drive around. The thing is, my husband doesn't call to check up on me, or grovel, so it's not as satisfying. Once he didn't even know I had left! ;-)

I'll be married ten years on Monday. There are so many times that I have to ask, WTF? Like this Thanksgiving when he went to K-Mart. I thought he was going to buy a video game or check to see if there were any Wii consoles. He was actually going to buy twenty 2-Liters because they were seventy cents. These are the moments when I question, "Who are you and why did I marry you again?"

Of course, we've had our serious issues as well. It's difficult. I'm glad you're in the process of working it out.

Oh, desjardins, that's a rough week you're having, and a stressful time of year in which to be having it.

It's crucial to figure out what you need and when you need it; if a night in a neutral space was what you needed, then how great that you recognized it and claimed it.

I'm starting to wonder, based on some friends and family, if the first few months after a wedding are particularly challenging and charged. With so much energy focused on planning the event itself (and I'm learning that even a laughably modest wedding takes absurd amounts of planning) and so much intellectual and emotional investment in this big change, the months after must feel a little confusing and unsettled.

Whatever --- that stuff is just speculation. I'm sending hugs and support and love and stuff, all coming your way.

I'm in my second marriage (and my last, let's hope), and, for what it's worth, what I've learned from many years of often self-induced turmoil and chaos is, accept each other. Flaws and all. Accept each other and be kind to each other. We're all just trying to get through the day. Stop yourself from being critical. Don't take bad moods out on each other and don't take them personally. Listen more. Don't say things that are hurtful and hard to take back. Never threaten divorce. Go out and have fun together. Relax. Relationships don't have to be work. They can just be, in most cases, if we let them. If we can let the drama go (provided there isn't a severe problem like drug addiction or physical abuse going on, where it becomes necessary to protect yourself). Do nice things for him without expecting anything back. Be responsible for your own happiness.

That said, I hope things work out. Sometimes it's not meant to be, but sometimes we don't appreciate what we had until it's gone. Don't give up on love. It's worth hanging on to.

*hugs*

I'm with everyone else who says that the first year after a big status change (especially marriage!) can be the hardest. My ex-husband (and now good friend) and I had a rough time in our first few months of marriage that, looking back, we just never quite got past, and my boyfriend and I had some of the worst fights in our relationship the first few weeks we moved in together, over hilariously stupid things (I remember nearly storming out of a restaurant over an argument involving the definition of "peer-reviewed journal").

The thing is, especially after a wedding, there's all this energy that kind of deflates, and expectations (often unexpressed or even totally unconscious) that may seem unfulfilled, and it suddenly seems impossible to get back to a comfortable dynamic of just being yourselves, together.

That said, there's a couple of things that we've developed to keep conflicts from morphing into ugliness.

1. "I'm on your side." We both try to remember (and sometimes will explicitly remind each other) that we're always playing for the same team, no matter how angry we might be, or how hurt one of us is feeling. It helps us keep in mind while that may be a problem that we both need to work through, that the problem is never simply the other person.

2. The get-out-of-jail-free card. You know how stupid stuff has a way of blowing up into line-in-the-sand type fury because suddenly everyone's digging in their heels even though it's really about nothing at all? (Or, in other cases, even though it's really about something totally different that you just can't quite realize or articulate at the moment.) We have a code word (actually, a code phrase from an inside joke) that is our immediate get-out-of-jail-free card if either of us drops it in the middle of the fight. The basic rule is that we have to DROP IT and either A) laugh, kiss, and shake it off (if the fight is really over something we both can see is dumb) or B) agree to table it until we can talk about the issue calmly (if it's about something we can both see at least one of us feels strongly about).

3. We try to avoid absolutist language: no "you always...", "you never...", "you should...." Also -- and this is a trick I learned in therapy that has had a surprising effect on my ability to communicate effectively with people in general -- we try to avoid the word "but." Because here's the thing: saying the word "but" will pretty much emotionally negate the statement that precedes it; using "and," on the other hand, allows statements, emotions, etc. to coexist. "I love you, BUT it drives me nuts when I come home and the kitchen is trashed" vs. "I love you, AND it drives me nuts when I come home and the kitchen is trashed" are actually quite different things to say, even though the essential facts are the same.

Anyway, hang in there, sweetie. While it's true that sometimes two people just aren't meant to be together, it doesn't sound to me like that's what's going on here. We always hear that relationships are hard work, but it's often surprising when that hard work crops up anyway!

Hey, if you're interested, this is the one and only relationship book that I've ever read that is both smart (if you can ignore the dippy-ish title) and useful. (It helps if you have any general proclivities towards buddhism, but it's not essential.)

Wishing you both a better day today!

Good advice here. I agree the drama comes early. The flip side of that is the passion, which also comes early. If you can, and you are safe, and you love him, enjoy the ride, sticking up for yourself all the way. We just had the tenth anniversary. It's lovely, but you trade the roller coaster for the merry go round. Which is nice, the merry go round, but usually pretty tame.

Lori, that K-mart trip cracks me up. WTF? Did he buy them? Omg that sounds like my Dad.

oh desi, let's be friends! i only got married six months ago and can completely relate. sometimes it's just hard and scary. despite being together for eight years, my first year of marriage isn't what i expected it at all to be. it's more of the same and still... different. i love him, i love him with all my heart but yeah, i often know sometimes we both just don't want to see one another at all.

i think about getting a sublet for a couple of months to just get away, get my head together, get my act together - trying to find that piece of me i thought someone else would fill. then i think about how at times when i'm horribly ill, he's come in for hours and just stroked my head and kept me warm. the stupid fights we have together, the stupid wastefulness when i see things slipping away from us. not being 25 anymore and getting the chance to do a full 'do-over.' the money we never saved, the things we'll likely never do as competantly as i thought we could. making it all REAL AND LEGAL somehow compounds stuff and little arguments mean so much - so do little gestures. sometimes i'm also just tempted to get a hotel room and just wait it out. i know he feels the same.

then again, we're married and i think about how amazing there was someone who wanted to marry me, actually make a vow to stick with me through it all, despite me being a really plain woman with so little ambition. i think he's amazing, even though sometimes so stubbon and aggrivating... but i'm reminded that i'm a difficult personality and probably more of a pill to put up with. i think the first year of marriage brings that all to a head because you believe that this is forever.

i wonder if it's all about having faith in our relationship, is it enough? but then i try and have a little faith and soon we're back to being best friends again. so far it's worked and i remind myself that my real belief about marriage is having someone to whom you make the concerted effort to be generous without exception... not to the point of losing yourself or hurting yourself but in a real adult relationship with two fully formed people.

take your time, get your head together, and push out the emotions you need to. hell, i even cried a bit today because sometimes it's just that difficult. give him and yourself a bit of faith and remember there are faceless voices out here pulling for you! it all can be overcome, i have faith :) in you guys! (not the scary religious kind but the pink fluffy bunny universal kind you want to stroke.)

(((rainbaby)))

One of the biggest adjustments for me and MuddDude is that marriage didn't change anything about us. I still get hormonal and short-tempered and easily frustrated. He still gets resentful and quiet and pushed around. The license doesn't make us a perfect couple, and it's not a failure if we still fight occasionally, as long as we're working towards a better understanding of each other.

Also, be true to yourself. There's no need to apologize for taking steps that seem right at the time, such as taking a Time Out.

(((desjardins)))

Hey desjardins, I asked about this on ask mefi just to see how to do relationship fights constructively.
So one more person who's been there. Have faith. A relationship is worth working on. And bumps come with getting on the road.
(sorry we Friesians are not the hugging kind. I'll fist bump your shoulder and make a 'cheer up' smirk though.)

Oh god, I meant (((desjardins))), but rainbaby can get whuffles too.

I don't have much advice to give on marriage, because I'm divorced, but I hope it all works out for you and that the early bumps in the married road are something you two can laugh about years down the road together.

Just one more voice chipping in that marriage is difficult, but as long as you can communicate, you're over a major hurdle. Mr. V and I are still working on that ability, and it's hard. Bravo for you to make the space needed to calm things down and let everyone involved take a step back and a deep breath.

UPDATE

Mr. desjardins and I talked several times today. I outlined some concrete steps he needs to take (mostly involving anger management). He agreed unconditionally, and things are looking up. I am at home*; he is at a previously planned event (which he offered to skip, but I encouraged him to attend).

Thanks for all of your support and perspectives. We've been together for four years and every time I think we've got it all figured out, something new surprises me. scody is absolutely right that there's a letdown after the wedding and unfulfilled expectations (p.s., I am buddhist so I'll check out your book recommendation). I will have to learn to let some things go, but also maintain my boundaries. Screaming and cursing at me is not acceptable, period. I think spending the night alone has taught him that.

*Dogs: "Yay, you're back!" Cats: "meh."

I'm glad you're home with your animals and hubby, desjardins. I was with my husband for five years before we were married and then married for ten. We can go for hours sitting in the same room and not say two words to another. Not because we're angry, but because we have nothing to say. Wait until that phase, it's a real treat. ;-)

Lori, that K-mart trip cracks me up. WTF? Did he buy them? Omg that sounds like my Dad.

Yes. He was very proud and excited and told me about his two-liter purchases while I was showering. He was kind of bummed because somehow he only came home with 19. What a shame, he must have miscounted. While he is telling me I am thinking, WTF? This is not my beautiful house. This is not my glamorous life.

I've been trying to get my hands on a copy of "How to Be An Adult In Relationships" forever, but for some reason, all copies in the NYPL system are MIA. I think I've been waiting for over a year at this point.

This is not my beautiful house.

This great reference made me laugh, because my parents also say it a lot in situations like you mention as a little humorous saying, and I think they're acknowledging exactly that - that our fantasy expectations for life don't exactly match the real experience of life.

Screaming and cursing at me is not acceptable, period.

I think as long as you maintain real clearness on this, and promise yourself that you'll stick to it as a real honest-to-God boundary, you'll be fine.

TPS, that's funny - I want to read that book too, and I can never find it. Whenever I think about looking for it, it's sold out at the bookstore, or unavailable at the library...I try not to take this as some kind of omen.

Eventually I should just order and pay for the damn book.

If you do, feel free to do the city of New York a favor and donate it to us when you're done :-D

You both need Amazon wishlists. That's all I'm saying. :)

Hugs to you desjardins. Post-wedding nerves, first year marriage tensions, holiday season rawness... plus whatever additional stresses he's having probably all contributed, but yeah, being an emotional punching bag is not okay, so you keep standing up for yourself and make it clear that this is not a pattern for behavior in your house. I'm glad things are better today, honey.

Sending hugs & good wishes.