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22 August 2008

Curiosity, singledom, voyerism How did you meet your loved one?[More:]

Ok, so I was talking to a friend of mine the other night. We've both been single (apart from the odd fling) for years.

It's gotten to the stage where neither of us can even conceive of how it would be possible to meet someone. Ever.

So - reassure me!! how did you meet your significant other? Do you believe you can fall in love more than once?

(I did - but now I've been in love, and it didn't work out, and I'm completely fucked if that is it for me, and doooomed to singledom)
Do you believe you can fall in love more than once?


I met my current husband at work. I was 20, he was 21. He was quiet and shy. I was obnoxious and extroverted. I would tease him and poke mild fun. He asked me out (after he followed me around for a few weeks) and I've been with him ever since.
posted by LoriFLA 22 August | 19:43
I'm in your camp, johnathanstrange, but I've probably been doing it longer, and more successfully than you. I honestly have no idea, but I'm sure there'll be a lot of cheesy stories to follow.
posted by eekacat 22 August | 19:45
I was 28. I'd had enough of my life as it was and was about to go on a walkabout. I moved to a rooming house at the univ I was working at at the time, to save money. She was one of the other residents there...

jonathanstrange, aren't you like about 20, or am I confusing you with someone else? I think you have time to find someone, if you want. There's lots of advantages to being single too, though... I think people can fall in love more than once, though it might be different each time. But then, I'm a guy, so what do I know?
posted by DarkForest 22 August | 19:56
I'm 25. Not old, but not that young.

I'm not all 'woe is me, I'm single, whatever shall I do?' - I do love being single, and can't quite remember what it was like to be in a relationship.

But would like to know that one day- at some point in the future, distant or otherwise - I might be with someone I'm crazy about, who's crazy about me, and I find it kinda depressing that it feels so completely unrealistic.
posted by jonathanstrange 22 August | 20:09
It doesn't necessarily feel any more realistic once you're actually there, for what it's worth.
posted by mudpuppie 22 August | 20:10
Well, just remember, you're jonathanstrange, the popular one, not Mr. Norrell. OK, sometimes you're a vampire too, but some guys are into that sort of thing.
posted by DarkForest 22 August | 20:19
Oops, I mean zombie, not vampire.
Somehow I can't seem to make a post without some follow-up to correct myself
posted by DarkForest 22 August | 20:36
jonathanstrange, try not to let this get you down. Age doesn't mean much, some statistics say otherwise, but you are so incredibly young. I think the only thing you can do is make yourself available and date as many people you can, not just your type. Keep positive. It will happen. You're not doomed.
posted by LoriFLA 22 August | 20:47
I met my husband via IRC because we had complimentary nicks related to Hindu mythology and started chatting. We met each other in real life one weekend at the state Art Gallery which had an exhibition of various Hindu artifacts. We clicked and started going out. About a year later we moved in together. 10 years later we got married.

Of course, I had to stalk him a teeny bit but it turned out that he was into that. :)

He took some finding, though, so don't feel bad about the journey. This whole One-True-Love and Doomed-to-Singletude business is such garbage - love is an emotion like any other and with equally a limitless reservoir. Plus, love doesn't usually announce itself with a brass-band and billboard. Just like you can be friends with someone for years and realise one day "Christ, this guy is so annoying!!", I wouldn't be at all surprised if one day you look at someone and think "You make me smile in my heart".

(I'm typeing whilst sleep-deprived - please forgive the rambling and typos)
posted by ninazer0 22 August | 20:49
I met my wife through internet personals when I was 35; I was a single dad at the time so I didn't get out much and it was unlikely that I was going to meet someone by accident. Her profile name was a silly Star Wars reference and we flirted online by trying to out geek each other. After a week or so, we met at Dippy the Dinosaur and toured the Carnegie Museum together as a date. We ended up hanging out for eight hours that day and haven't really been apart for the eight years since.
posted by octothorpe 22 August | 21:40
I met my hubby at a bar, because he was hitting on me and I kept talking to him so long that he missed the last bus home. I promised to take him home, and did, and now almost 19 years later, here we are. It was really out of the blue for both of us... love's funny that way I guess.
posted by BoringPostcards 22 August | 21:44
Seems pretty inconceivable to me, too, jonathanstrange (uh, for me, I mean--you, on the other hand, aren't doomed at all). I'm totally enjoying the stories, though.
posted by box 22 August | 21:49
I was 26 and met him at a work happy hour. I'd only arrived in the USA 24 hours beforehand. He chatted to me briefly and went off to band practice. The next week at happy hour we talked for hours and he asked me out for sushi and to see a punk rock show. I'd basically moved in with him a few months later and it's now nearly 7 years later and I still think he's awesome.
posted by gaspode 22 August | 22:04
Oh, and you can totally fall in love more than once. Many times. Although I've only been in love once before mr. gaspode.
posted by gaspode 22 August | 22:04
Ditto on the "yes you can fall in love more than once."
posted by BoringPostcards 22 August | 22:20
I fall in love 2-3 times a week.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero 22 August | 22:22
I admit, I get that "I'll never meet anyone" feeling. It sucks.
posted by kellydamnit 22 August | 22:33
We met online -- I saw his profile and sent him a message the day before he had planned to take his profile down. We emailed for a couple of weeks, set up our first date, and got on like a house on fire (that was 3.5 years ago). Turns out, we almost met about a year earlier -- I was at a screening of his short film (NSFW!!!) that he was supposed to attend, but he wound up not going for some reason... and even funnier, I'd actually vaguely known who he was for 20 years, as he'd been in a Jim Carrey movie when I was in high school, and I remember thinking back then that he was cute.

So you never know. You just never know.

And yes, you most certainly can fall in love more than once. I have had three major loves in my life (including my bf now, but not including Paul Weller), and a few other not-quite-major-but-still-important loves, and I'm deeply grateful to every one of them for the role they played in my life.
posted by scody 23 August | 00:02
Oh, and my bf and I didn't meet till I was 36 and he was 42; I'd been married and divorced, and he'd been through his own serious long-term breakup. So fear not! Life -- including love and sex -- doesn't stop at 25 or 30, despite what a good deal of our popular culture implies.
posted by scody 23 August | 00:05
I was 29. He was 20. We were in a punk club in the backstreets of Shinjuku. I was drunk. I boasted of having PlayStation 2. He had a white Mustang convertible.

A silly one night stand I thought.

However we've now been married over 6 years and have a 3 month old baby.

This stuff can strike anywhere at anytime.
posted by gomichild 23 August | 03:04
I was 26, he 22 and his friend was trying to tune my sister so she dragged me along to the bar for moral support. My sister and I were really drunk, having earlier won a bottle of scotch in a pub quiz, and I thought him incredibly pretentious - a white guy with dreds, a funny accent and Aspie-shyness I mistook for snobbery, but by the end of the night we'd snogged and his lips were the softest evar. Later that week, I realised he was constantly in my head and chased his phone number, which was slightly problematic as I was in an eight-year relationship. But that ended by the next weekend, I moved my stuff into my own cute little flat and slept there maybe three times over the next eight months.

Now it's been more than 5 years, we've moved halfway across the world and are still madly in lurve. But it's not all roses, and I think having to work at it sometimes, and compromise and make decisions good for both of you and doing so willingly is essential for a good partnership. I haven't really had that in previous relationships, and it's personally invigorating and strengthening.

But yeah, it can strike at any time, sometimes when totally inconvenient.
posted by goo 23 August | 06:42
Before mr alto (whom I met when I was 25 and he was 35) I'd had one short-lived relationship with a very nice but totally-unsuitable-for-me man, and had pined at length after several others who all turned out not to be interested. So it was quite the novelty to realise that someone was interested in me, but once that passed I realised that he was pretty awesome, and I made most of the moves (got his phone number and then asked him out). I'd thought I'd been 'in love' previously, but that was just infatuation-once the initial buzz had passed we realised that we were building something really good and lasting.

Like goo says, it's not always easy, but taking joint decisions that work well is really rewarding. We've been together 5 years, married 7 months ago.

Although I have little to compare my relationship with, I do firmly believe that there is no such thing as 'the one'. If that really were true, it would be massively improbable that anyone would get together with anyone else. Given a few basic compatibilities, I believe it's possible to do the work to create a functional and happy relationship.
We met in an orchestra- this particular group is nice and sociable and has nurtured at least 6 partnerships that I know of, and numerous children.
posted by altolinguistic 23 August | 07:44
Mrs. Doohickie and I met at a fraternity party. So that probably won't work for you.

However.... my brother, who had dated a lot in high school and college, got into the working world and his love life fizzled out. He used to run 5k and 10k races, and one day a friend introduced him to this girl at a race. They ran the race together and she gave him her phone number. Then after the race, he was busy with work for a while and finally gave her a call a few weeks later. She told him, "This isn't a good time. My dad's funeral is today." D'oh! He called her back a couple weeks after that, and, you guessed it, they ended up getting married. When they got married he was 28 and she was 32. They've been happy ever since.
posted by Doohickie 23 August | 09:15
But would like to know that one day I might be with someone I'm crazy about, who's crazy about me, and I find it kinda depressing that it feels so completely unrealistic.

You = my brother when he was your age. He was content being single, but was starting to wonder if he'd ever meet the right girl.
posted by Doohickie 23 August | 09:17
MuddDude and I met in college, so that's not very helpful.

Watching all my single male friends negotiate love lives post-college, it's really all about putting yourself out there. The ones who just hang out with work friends a few times a week and never meet anyone new don't really have a chance anyone new. But the ones who have various hobbies and friends outside of work have a lot easier time meeting girls.

Also, nowadays, doesn't everyone meet their future spouse on the internet?
posted by muddgirl 23 August | 10:50
Depending on how you look at it I met my wife at work or at a bar. We worked for the same company, but our offices were on different floors of the building and our positions rarely had reason to interact. We actually "met" when a bunch of us from work went to a bar up the street from the office.

posted by The Gooch 23 August | 12:04
I met my boo at a meetup.
posted by essexjan 23 August | 12:35
I met mrs richat a bunch of times before we finally connected. She followed me around uni at one point even. I ran into her at a bar we both frequented and found out she was dating a guy I thought was a total douchebag. And so it went. Then, one day, she wandered across the baseball diamond with a mutual friend - we were playing goof-off softball after work. That was about....15 years ago now.

I was 23 and wondering if I'd ever meet someone. She was 22. I am pretty sure there's probably more than one person for each of us, depending on the path you take or don't take. And, like TPS, I pretty much fall in love at least once a week. I live in a smaller city than TPS, so...that's the reason for my slacking I think.
posted by richat 23 August | 13:21
I still get, from time to time, rarely, BOOM feelings, from some people. This BOOM means the person will be in my life in some way. This feeling is ok, mostly generated by males, but not exclusively. I guess it's a crush feeling.

I've been married for just short of ten years to one of the BOOM people. There were BOOM people before and since that I have strong friendships with. And some I don't know how to find right now.

I'd say listed to your gut go BOOM and see what happens with those people. It may not turn out to be your forever mate, but it'll turn out cool.
posted by rainbaby 23 August | 19:31
I'd say listed to your gut go BOOM and see what happens with those people. It may not turn out to be your forever mate, but it'll turn out cool.

This is a brilliant description.
posted by BoringPostcards 23 August | 19:55
You know, DarkForest - I think that picture of me sums up exactly why I'm still single! ;) Maybe I need to change my diet to something a little less brain filled.

Thanks for the stories. They've been really sweet. In the mean time, I'm just going to kick around, keep going to see bands, keep going out with friends, and not go specifically to pick up. If it happens, it happens. If not... I'm ok, no - make that more than ok.
posted by jonathanstrange 23 August | 21:47
I was 35, she was 23, I interviewed her for a job. She got the job as well ...

That was close to 14 years ago.
posted by dg 24 August | 15:53
Pendant help. || from the department of "no shit"