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18 July 2008

The AskMe Answer Generator I put time and effort into writing AskMe answers, and I feel it's only fair that I should do so given that I've received so much help there, not only from the 70-odd questions that I've asked, but from reading other people's questions and answers. But sometimes I feel like I'm answering basically the same few questions again and again. Here, just for fun, is what a list of auto-AskMe answers might look like. Please feel free to add your own.[More:]

- He/she has problems you canít solve/is a jerk/is not really committed to the relationship. Youíre wasting your time.

- You have problems you need to resolve/are a jerk/are not really committed to the relationship. Youíre wasting his/her time.

- Tell him/her what you just told us, ask him/her what she thinks, and then discuss it together.

- Kiss him/her already.

- Google is your friend.

- Get counseling.

- Go to your doctor.

- Youíre over thinking this. Stop worrying so much and go ahead and do what you want/need to do.

- This belongs in MetaTalk.
Call your local bar association and ask them for a referral.
posted by crush-onastick 18 July | 10:38
-You know, sometimes tech support CAN be your friend. It's worth trying.

-Stop masturbating.

-Masturbate more.

-Trail and error are your friends.
posted by danf 18 July | 10:38
Stop thinking about yourself so much and help others.



Drink more water.

New Zealand.
posted by netbros 18 July | 10:43
- Try two, or, failing that, seven.

- You're following baseball rules, which aren't quite cricket.

- Your skin keeps you in and the germs out.
posted by Hugh Janus 18 July | 10:43
You broke it.

Eat it.

Don't eat it.

Throw it away.

Give it to your grandkids.

Try Craigslist.
posted by ethylene 18 July | 10:45
- Call your mother

- Don't have anything to do with your mother. She's evil.

- Get a real hobby.

- Learn to knit.

- Don't spend more than you earn.

- Treat yourself to the deluxe version. The other kinds of toilet paper aren't worth it.
posted by Orange Swan 18 July | 10:46
Trail and error are your friends.

Love this :)
posted by AwkwardPause 18 July | 10:49
- Check out of these twenty-five identical former questions on this topic.

- Here's a bean casserole/chocolate chip cookie recipe that has never let me down.

- Stop doing that.

- Just let it go.

- You can't go wrong with a gift certificate.
posted by Orange Swan 18 July | 10:52
- That's not normal.

- Drink.

- Stop drinking, you drunk.

- Lay off the drugs.

- Try medication.

- It's perfectly normal.

- Get a second opinion.

- Stop doing that.

- Get a pet.

- It's never the best time to have kids.

- Why not?

- Fear is important.

- Don't let fear rule your life.

- Safety first.

- Risk equals reward.

- You'll regret it.
posted by ethylene 18 July | 10:56
- Oh, I read that one a while ago - the title was Moby Dick.

- Pandora is your friend for finding similar music.

- buy a Mac and ditch Windows.
posted by mightshould 18 July | 10:59
- Loosen the death grip.

- Try the touch of death.

- Sleep more.

- Eat less.

- Orgasms are important.

- Sex isn't everything.

- For gassakes, stop doing that already.
posted by ethylene 18 July | 11:02
- Put that poor suffering animal down.

- As a responsible pet owner, you have no other choice than to pay for your cat's triple bypass and chemo.

- You don't need to hire someone to do that. You can DIY.

- Good God. You need a professional for that.

- You're being too hard on yourself.

- Grow up.

- Based on your six previous AskMes on this topic, I'd say you have ongoing issues in this area.

- I've never had this problem, nor have I ever known anyone who had it or even heard of it, but here's what I think you should do....
posted by Orange Swan 18 July | 11:05
- Not only are A and B great answers, but [INSERT JOKE ANSWER HERE].

Seriously, that's why I took myself out of the loop; I kept having my flip answers along these lines removed by mods and I was way too immature to see any wrongdoing on my part. I lack self-control but I'm really weary of being a dick, so I punched b'way's ticket and set myself free.
posted by Hugh Janus 18 July | 11:08
- That might be an interesting social experiment under the right conditions, but in your circumstances you'll just alienate everyone you care about, wind up dying alone, and then will be eaten by your Pekinese.

- Just be happy to be single.

- Keep working on this relationship, even though it's hard and miserable for both of you right now. Marriages are too important to just throw away.

- She/needs your love and support.

- You're being an enabler.

- You have low self-esteem, and there's no reason to, because the 236 words of text you've typed makes you sound like a wonderful person.

- Try politely asking them to do something about the problem, and if that doesn't work, sue their asses.
posted by Orange Swan 18 July | 11:20
- Why would anyone want to do that?

- X's answer above is totally wrong. You'll kill yourself if you do that.

- Don't shit where you eat.

- You need to talk to them. Bring cookies.

- You need to call the cops. Document everything.


posted by JanetLand 18 July | 11:20
- Either a Thinkpad or a Macbook.

- Check eBay completed auctions to find the value of similar items.

- This is a pretty specific question that might be best answered in a forum populated by experts.

- It's pretty clear you've already made up your mind, so what the hell do you want from me?
posted by box 18 July | 11:24
- Name it/her/him "Emmerlinze".

- Go for it.

- Christ Almighty, don't do that!!!

- My boyfriend and I were able to solve this problem by using some pillows, elastic bands and popsicle sticks. Give that a shot.

- Wash it in a solution of warm water and vinegar.
posted by Orange Swan 18 July | 11:28
- We're not your doctor, you should try one.

- Learn how to communicate. pouring your heart out to 60,000 random strangers on the internet ≠ "effective communication" with your partner.

- Try yoga.

- Drink water.

- Stop giving yourself excuses to fail.

- use lemon juice.
posted by lonefrontranger 18 July | 11:38
- God damn it, you've got to be kind.
posted by DevilsAdvocate 18 July | 11:44
- IANAL, but a similar thning happened to a friend, and she was able to get about 75% of the money back from the landlord.


- Rent, don't buy.

- Buy, don't rent.

- [Little-known 'web 2.0' service] does something sort of like that. It's still in closed beta--mefimail me for an invite.
posted by Joe Invisible 18 July | 11:49
On second thought, my first and last answers aren't answers so much as stereotypical not-very-helpful responses that seem to crop up in thread after thread.
posted by Joe Invisible 18 July | 11:51
- Man up and tell her.

- I know you said your vegetarian, but you'll get so much more protein if you'll just eat meat.

- Google is your friend.

- In the meantime, lawyer up.

posted by JanetLand 18 July | 11:52
- If you're that socially inept, there is no cure but to read and memorize the works of Goethe and Miss Manners in their entirety. Once you've done this you will never be at a loss as to what to say or do again.

- Stop whining.

- Sing the entire score of "The Sound Of Music" to yourself every day.

- Just wear some black track pants. No one will even notice.

- We can't possibly answer this question until you provide some more detail.
posted by Orange Swan 18 July | 11:54
- Google is your friend.

Oh, wait, Orange Swan had that already. It should read, "nth-ing Google is your friend."
posted by JanetLand 18 July | 11:54
Yes, your cat is crazy. All cats are crazy.
posted by misskaz 18 July | 11:56
You should watch more tv.

I have had this problem and solved it by drinking.

Lighten up.

Everything that bunnies do is important.

You should think about his feelings, too.
posted by rmless2 18 July | 12:01
- Go for a walk in the park, smell the flowers and watch the children play, and you'll soon feel better.

- You can find that in any mall. What a waste of an AskMe question.

- That sounds hopeless. You have our deepest sympathies.

- Well, if you're a Christian, why don't you just offer the problem up to God, or whatever it is that Christians do [eyeball roll].
posted by Orange Swan 18 July | 12:17
- I have no idea, but the same thing happens to me all the time.
posted by rhapsodie 18 July | 12:18
- N-thing JanetLand.

- Get therapy.

- Take drugs.

- Stop taking drugs.
posted by goo 18 July | 12:21
Go to Amsterdam, take mushrooms.
posted by Meatbomb 18 July | 12:58
- get a fish.

- place it in your pants.

- say SMOCK!

posted by quonsar 18 July | 12:59
- a few responses deleted. if you have a problem with the legality/raciness/trollingness of the question take it to metatalk.
posted by JanetLand 18 July | 13:01
- Total chatfilter question and will probably be deleted, so we're going to blather uselessly on about ourselves until one of the mods sees it.
posted by Orange Swan 18 July | 13:06
Jessamyn must be away from a computer, or else this question would not still be here.

I can't believe the mods deleted that question.

That is why God made meat tenderizer.
posted by danf 18 July | 13:08
- Please ask your mother to consider a retroactive abortion.
- Hey, it's free advice, buddy. You get what you pay for.
Your cat's a dick
posted by octothorpe 18 July | 13:23
posted by JanetLand 18 July | 13:23
MetaTalk is kind of butt.

And not the cute kind.
posted by danf 18 July | 13:32
- Stop caring so much about what other people think. Including us.
posted by Orange Swan 18 July | 13:37
Sorry this doesn't answer your question, but all these answers have made me too want to [get a new job, dump my other, improve my life, get a dog/cat/new roommate/sex change operation], so thank you hive mind, I love you all!

I'm also laughing hysterically by reading all the comments here, so thanks again!
posted by Melismata 18 July | 13:39
New man.
posted by goo 18 July | 13:43

Google it.

Get a lawyer.

See your doctor.

See a therapist.


OMG, don't take anti-depressants.

Have you tried a therapist?

Yes, it's going to leave a stain.

posted by theora55 18 July | 14:28
It's Baker Street.
posted by teleskiving 18 July | 14:52
- This doesn't belong here. Post it to MetaChat.

(NOT my opinion... I came to orange swan's defense in the MeTa thread AND favorited it... apparently I'm the only one to do so... I am so out of step with the rest of the world.)

- Gerry Rafferty, formerly of Steeler's "Stuck in the Middle With You" Wheel. There was another song on that album, "City to City" that I started singing while driving long distances when the car radio went out and it has become my favorite earworm of all time.
When the wheels start turnin', takin' me through the night
Out there in the darkness, there's a star shinin' bright
And it makes me feel better just to see it up there
I hope you're thinkin' about it, hope you know I still care.

So goodnight, yeah goodnight
Goodnight train is gonna carry me home
So goodnight, yeah goodnight
Goodnight train is gonna carry me home.

posted by wendell 18 July | 15:07
Get out pee smells with fabreez.

Fuck you for even thinking of declawing your cat.
posted by iconomy 18 July | 15:14
Think again.
posted by Daniel Charms 18 July | 15:16
It's a Ray Bradbury short story.
posted by Atom Eyes 18 July | 15:42
lawyer up
posted by caddis 18 July | 15:43
-Buy a cat to keep the snakes in line.
-Buy a dog to keep the cat in line.
-Buy a horse to keep the dog in line.
posted by drezdn 18 July | 16:09
- Man up

- Lawyer up

- Cowboy up

- I've never used [obscure Linux program], or even heard of it before, but here's my long-winded pompous opinion anyway, based on the fact that I once got a B- in a high school web coding project.

- I'm a dude so naturally I'm going to chime in and make a complete horse's ass of myself in this here thread because I am the World's Leading Expert on [menstruation/PMS/PID/boobs/bra selection/female orgasm/lesbian relationships/women's hairstyles/ get the idea, right? Oh, and I know it doesn't answer your question but did I mention: booooooooobs!!
posted by lonefrontranger 18 July | 17:14
- Ante up.

- 'Ante Up,' by M.O.P., would be perfect for that mixtape.
posted by box 18 July | 17:45
- Dude, she doesn't really want you to solve the problem, she's just talking out her feelings. She probably already knows what the answer is better even than you do. Let her rant, give her a hug, and stop treating her like she's clueless/helpless/to be avoided.

- Girlfriend, he doesn't really want to hear you blather on and on about what a shitty day you had, because it's something he can't solve. And that makes him feel like a complete loser because now you're all upset and somehow he's to blame. Stop treating him like an asshole.
posted by lonefrontranger 18 July | 18:00
What everybody else said.
posted by UbuRoivas 18 July | 18:14
Oh, and I know it doesn't answer your question but did I mention: booooooooobs!!

And man, do I love cunnilingus.
posted by goo 18 July | 18:20
- Hey, my scumbag ex posted this!!! Here's the REAL story....

- I think you've actually got two novels mixed up. One is War and Peace, and the other is a Harlequin, though I don't know which one.
posted by Orange Swan 18 July | 19:02
God dammit Orange Swan, I love you.
posted by dabitch 18 July | 19:27
- I recommend a brisk rogering.
posted by kindall 18 July | 22:22

- I'm a dude so naturally I'm going to chime in and make a complete horse's ass of myself in this here thread because I am the World's Leading Expert on [menstruation/PMS/PID/boobs/bra selection/female orgasm/lesbian relationships/women's hairstyles/ get the idea, right? Oh, and I know it doesn't answer your question but did I mention: booooooooobs!!

Some days I wish we had favoriting here.
posted by jason's_planet 18 July | 22:54
I asked this same question last week and nobody helped me!


*insert completely different problem, with links back to my question, which actually did have a lot of good advice. Get reamed in MeTa.*
posted by lysdexic 18 July | 23:20
*cough, cough; steps up to the mic*

Just a note on a couple of issues here: This thread is skirting the edge of the no mefi drama, etc. guidelines, in that it's implicitly a bit of a "let's laugh at AskMe answers/answerers" sort of thing, and we really don't want that.

Here's why: This is a site for Mefites to chat with each other casually about almost any old thing, but if we aren't diligent about policing the rules about Metafilter-related discussion it could very easily slip into a sort of backroom point-and-snark about all things MeFi. And this is pretty much the exact opposite of what Metachat is for.

Metatalk is the place to bring any discussion about Metafilter - that's why it exists. Jess and Cortex hang out here sometimes for fun - but it should never be a place they need to check to see if there's something they need to deal with related to Mefi.

I know this was meant in fun, but it's a pretty close neighbor to pointing and laughing (at not with) and inches toward the slippery slope.

SO. This wasn't meant as a scolding to Swan, just an explanation so that people here can get a clearer idea about the Mefi-related guidelines.

And please, really: Let's not post metachat stuff to metatalk (other than, say, meetup stuff - you know). It just basically makes people angry, and somehow creates this idea that metachat is this little hidden place where we snark about MeFi, or that we post here because we hate Mefi... or... something. Anyway, some people have the very mistaken idea that we are competing (?!) or some kind of implicit insult to Metafilter, maybe, and metatalk posts referencing metachat bring that to the surface, and then some people feel the need to defend the site, and it all goes wobbly. My personal rule of thumb is that I just don't talk about metachat on metafilter (and vice versa), unless I absolutely need to - and that tends to keep things simple for me.
posted by taz 19 July | 01:38
- Stop doing that.
posted by ethylene 19 July | 05:32
hear, hear
posted by Miko 19 July | 08:45
It's on the Ballot!!!. . . || Photo Friday: Things Forgotten