Have posted a related askme about dishonesty.

but I'm happy about the new job and my activist experience on a CV doesn't look that bad!

Excellent, Grace!

The friends thing is difficult. I find that I no longer talk to friends because I filter my true feelings. Everyone wants you to move along and be better..."all fixed now, OK?"

Now, these folks were there when I needed them before, and they still care, but they don't expect to keep hearing my problems all the time, so I don't let them know. I suppose you're in a similar situation?

I have no suggestions. None. Sorry, but I just hope that your new job allows you to find some good people and opens up new brain stimulation. Hold on till then, and maybe it will provide some relief...

Thanks mightshould.

I am very, very, very, very tired. i'm trying to cheer myself up by sending chirpy texts and emails to folk where appropriate..

The friends thing is difficult. I find that I no longer talk to friends because I filter my true feelings.

This is exactly me and i've been avoiding local friends.
i can't stand avoid elephants and humoring people anymore than absolutely necessary, or my own amusement, any more.

and why i've
goddamn i hate my keyboard. i know i should sit in a normal upright position but--

Grace, I can't remember where you're from originally (I'm assuming the US, but I'm not sure if that's because I know that, or because I have a cultural blindspot and just assume everyone's American), and I can't remember how long you've been in Scotland, but have you maybe thought about some of this shit just being culture shock?

Because some of what you're saying (esp. with regards to white lies) reminds me of some of the difficulties I was running into as an American in Italy. I was so thoroughly, and unexpectedly, American that I couldn't cope well with the subtlety and nineteen-eleventy layers of meaning expressed in the average Italian "polite" interaction.

Not that I was all "Woo, America!" or anything -- I did, and still, consider myself way the hell too socialist to be a particularly patriotic American -- but it did really bring to the forefront my cultural belief in straightforward, honest, direct communication (prized in America) and my anxiety at dealing with people for whom subtlety was a higher cultural value (i.e., everywhere else).

As I've described it to friends, "That's when I realized that if all this dancing around the subject was required to be European, I'd rather be the big oafish bumbling American."

I don't know that much about Scotland, so I could be way off, but I certainly know there's a similar American/English cultural barrier.

Not trying to explain away everything you're dealing with, but just wondered if it'd be worthwhile to explore some of it in a cultural framework. You may be applying a set of values to the people you're interacting with that they may not be familiar with, which is obviously bound to lead to frustration (probably on both sides).