MetaChat - Time Again For An "ASK LT ANYTHING" Thread!

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29 April 2008

Time Again For An "ASK LT ANYTHING" Thread! →[More:]

It's been awhile since I did my answer thingy up in this hizzy, so fire away!

I can answer your lovelorn queries, your career ambivalence, and guide you through your existential Wonderland!

I am Forty Years Old. I knows shit.

post by: Lipstick Thespian at: 19:15 | 35 comments

Dear LT:

What's the best way to get a man? I've already tried putting a piece of pie in a big net, but the boys passing by on the sidewalk seem to sense danger and tend to just skirt around it. What should I do?

posted by SassHat 29 April | 19:27

Videotape or Laserdisc?

posted by Iridic 29 April | 19:33

Should I shit or go blind?

posted by jonmc 29 April | 19:44

Mr. T,

How big is your mind? Is it the same size as your brain? Does it have a shape? Is it located in a particular spot?

posted by netbros 29 April | 19:53

How are you doing?

posted by mullacc 29 April | 20:01

What are you doing? Please include a routine weekly schedule in your answer.

posted by ThePinkSuperhero 29 April | 20:05

What should I do when I grow up?

posted by birdherder 29 April | 20:07

Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?

posted by Doohickie 29 April | 20:16

Is there a word like "avuncular" that indicates a female, not a male? "Auntlike," not "uncle-like"?

I will keep asking this until I get an answer, dammit.

posted by Elsa 29 April | 20:24

In order:

1. Sasshat - boys like pie, and boys like nets, but boys dinnae like getting seasick in nets eatin' pies.

My advice is to come across with the pie first and make the boy feel like you're the best net he's ever fallen into.

2. Iridic - Blu-Ray, dude - Go Towards the Light.

3. Run JMC - Go "blind". If you go blind, the shit will feel like you're being saved.

4. Netbros - my mind is a goddamn whippet. All blur and motion and sudden cuteness that wriggles in your arms until it's free.

5. 'Heen - I do well. I could do better, though. Fuck The Man and Start the Revolution, brah.

6. PSH - I wake up swaddled in the arms of a woman who loves me.

I then go off to a beige-and-grey enclosure where money is thrown at me to watch overweight white folks angst over acronyms.

Soon this will end, and I will start the next day swaddled in the arms of a woman who loves me.

Then I will create joy for all.

7. Birdherder - I'm assuming that for some reason Bird Herding has lost the blush on the rose you gave it oh so long ago? Why not try herding cats?

8. Doohickie - Because they want to be close to me. Because I'm all that and a goddamn bag of Here Come All The Birds chips.

9. Elsa - there is, and that word is "Shoobedoo".

posted by Lipstick Thespian 29 April | 20:39

Dear LT,

What the fuck is a googoomuck?

posted by elizard 29 April | 20:53

LT, what do you think of Corvettes? They have always given me the creeps? Why is that?

posted by LoriFLA 29 April | 21:01

Round Two:

Elizard - A Googoomuck is that sweaty, drunken, fall over some dude you don't know feeling when you're out drinkin' and dancin'. It usually ends in tears.

LoriFLA - I think Corvettes are ungainly, camel-like cars that say to the world, "I really wish I were a prehistoric shark, only on land and wanting to get into your pants."

posted by Lipstick Thespian 29 April | 21:17

Why weren't you in Cambridge last Saturday?

posted by Eideteker 29 April | 21:17

Why am I always disappointed when I buy muffins from the grocery store? They look so good when I buy them but taste like sawdust and vegetable oil.

posted by Joe Invisible 29 April | 21:22

I like you, Lipstick Thespian.

posted by mullacc 29 April | 21:26

What's the difference between a narcissist and a megalomaniac?

posted by Ambrosia Voyeur 29 April | 21:34

Elsa, I have wanted to know that, too! I feel like I knew something about it once...

Ok, my question. You know those people you meet in dreams, whom you don't know? Where do they come from? Are they strangers you saw that day, or some composite your brain invents?

posted by sweetkid 29 April | 21:36

Eide - because I'm a big fuck-o and didn't make the gig.

Joe Invisible - Dude! I have that same problem. Not only do they taste like sawdust and vegetable oil, the texture is that of Wonder Bread that was errantly placed at the bottom of your shopping bag.

'Heen - I want you...to want....me!

Ambrosia Voyeur - the difference between a narcissist and a megalomaniac is that when a narcissist beats the crap out of you and leaves you for dead, he does it with better style.

Sweetkid - I love this question. I always want to know who the people are in my dreams who don't exist in real life. I think what gets me the most though is what they SAY to you in the dream.

posted by Lipstick Thespian 29 April | 21:46

I always want to know who the people are in my dreams who don't exist in real life.

Dude, they are called "dream extras." Either you compile them in your head or they come from Central Casting. I honestly cannot remember whether I made up the phrase in a flash of brilliance some years ago or stole it from a Steven Wright routine. Either way.

posted by Elsa 29 April | 22:20

LT, why do i miss you so?

posted by ramix 29 April | 22:21

LT, How can I stop myself from jamming a fork into my coworker's thigh tomorrow morning? Because I really, really want to.

posted by rhapsodie 29 April | 22:58

Elsa: http://www.randomhouse.com/wotd/index.pperl?date=19971119

Not quite the same usage though.

posted by sweetkid 29 April | 23:23

When I was 40, I THOUGHT I knew shit. Now I'm 52, and the one thing I've learned in those ensuing years was that I really didn't. Oh, I learned one other thing - the word "ensuing". Nice word. Anyway, I wanted to state that as a mild Disclaimer/Warning for those of you who might consider LT's random answers as truly 'expert' advice. I'm sorry, I had to do it.

But I still have a question I'd like to ask:

When Albert Hoffman. inventor/discoverer of LSD had his 100th birthday, did Willard Scott mention it on The Today Show?

posted by wendell 29 April | 23:57

I hit 40 in a bit over three weeks. Where should I clip a lock to see how gray I am?

posted by brujita 30 April | 01:32

Okay, everyone off wendell's lawn. If we just stand out in the street for a while he will fall asleep. Then we call roll his yard.

posted by -t 30 April | 03:45

Dag-nabbit! Then we _can_ roll... can roll his yard.

posted by -t 30 April | 03:59

LT, how does a man meet a woman in this fast paced modern world? I run very slowly and must devote much of my energy to avoiding wolves.

posted by cmonkey 30 April | 04:00

Why are there Zebras?

I think this one has been answered here before, but I forgot (because I'm 46).

posted by dg 30 April | 04:45

LT, what are the winning Powerball numbers for tonight?

posted by lleachie 30 April | 08:16

Why does Justin Timberlake have four minutes to save the world?
Why would anyone get Justin Timberlake to do anything to save the world?
Can we put him back in the box?

posted by ethylene 30 April | 11:08

Why is LT ignoring my question?

posted by rhapsodie 30 April | 12:02

ANSWER MY FUCKING QUESTION, DAMNIT!

posted by dg 30 April | 15:45

Dear LT,
Why did I have a dream the other night that you published a collection of short stories without telling anyone here and they were all good and I was browsing the hardcover at a bookstore and recognized your writing at the same time the girl nearby, who also was reading the book, did, and in this way managed to bump into a Mechazen in real life completely accidentally? Also, what was her username?

posted by kyleg 30 April | 15:58

How can i stop having disturbing dreams in fabulous places and start living awake in these fabulous places?

posted by ethylene 30 April | 16:01

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