I think it so totally depends on the relationship that you have with each individual woman -- in addition to each individual's preferences -- that it's hard to give a blanket rule.

I suppose it depends on the circumstances. (On preview, I see occhiblu was here first.) Is it someone you know? A co-worker? Then you're probably safe with something like "Hey, I like that new haircut. It really suits you." It's complimentary, but doesn't cross the icky line. (Please correct me here if I'm wrong.)

Someone you passed on the street? Probably not a good idea. If she's wearing some cool boots, you might get away with "Cool boots!", but only if you're sincere.

Try to avoid the following phrases:

Hey mama
totally hot
fries with that shake

And unless she's been deer hunting, the phrase "nice rack" should never ever come up.

Nthing that...the only people from whom I want compliments about my looks are close friends, family or SO. A stranger who says something about how I look is harassing me.

I hate being complimented on the way I look regardless of my relationship to the other person. It always makes me want to crawl under a rock. It's how I've always been.

On the other hand, I do not have problems when people compliment the stuff I'm wearing. I'm fine with, "Nice shirt" or "Nice shoes."

Really, I think most of it is intent. I think, for the most part, I can tell if a guy is trying to be respectful and sweet and nice versus trying to use a compliment as a kind of mad-lib way to get into my pants. ("You have an [adjective] [noun] that pleases my [body part].")

I think if you could give the exact same compliment to almost any other woman, and mean it to the exact same degree, then it comes across as "I'm using a cliche or previously memorized compliment in order to approach women, and it doesn't really matter who that woman is." (Though older gentlemen can get away with this, sometimes, in a sort of "I am spouting poetry about the beauty of the universe" sort of way. But I don't think that's what you're going for.)

If you can sincerely, spontaneously, and respectfully find something about an individual woman that you like, and that something can be talked about in polite company (eg, as bmarkey says, not her breasts), then offering up a compliment will probably go ok. Even if you stumble over the words, I think most women will tend to forgive the stumbling if there's sincerity + respect + specificity. (At least here. I don't know if there are different cultural expectations in India.)

And yeah, complimenting random strangers can quickly get weird and annoying.

And unless she's been deer hunting, the phrase "nice rack" should never ever come up.

Hahaha, noooooooo, not that brave to tell you the truth, or stupid, duh. But, yes, I would like to be able to compliment women I know (not just some random girl off of the street--that seems even more gratuitous) without having to feel guilty about it.

Am I wrong to feel this way. Should I be more confident when it comes to giving my female friends kudos on the way they look; I usually make it a point to tell them that I think they're looking exceptionally beautiful on any day that they've obviously made an extra effort to get dressed up for some reason (a festival or a function), but it always feels so awkward. The girls seem to appreciate it, but I always wonder if I've crossed the line in someway.

Should I be more confident when it comes to giving my female friends kudos on the way they look; I usually make it a point to tell them that I think they're looking exceptionally beautiful on any day that they've obviously made an extra effort to get dressed up for some reason (a festival or a function), but it always feels so awkward. The girls seem to appreciate it, but I always wonder if I've crossed the line in someway.

Well, what's your intent? I've had quite a few female friends that I had a close enough (platonic) relationship with that I could chat with them about, say, weight loss or a new hairstyle. But we were at the point that it couldn't have gotten awkward.

Those that I wasn't in that place with? Better to stick with conversations that don't involve physical presence.

When you work with someone, or you meet them in a professional arena, there is probably no good way to compliment them on their looks, except to compliment perhaps their outfit etc. The same applies to the men you meet you know. The one exception might be if a truly stunning woman is dissing her own looks and then you laugh with her about it. Otherwise you are probably going to make her feel more uncomfortable than complimented. In purely social situations where people are not judging each other for the most part on ability and merit etc., then there are some women who really crave being told they are beautiful. You know who they are. Make their day. Even then, saying that "you look great today" seems a little less creepy than just great. Now, if you are hitting on them, well then everything changes, but false compliments will still not get you too far. The bottom line would seem to be how would you feel if the roles were reversed and she were commenting on your looks. Sometimes it is kind of nice and sometimes it feels kind of weird. Don't make her feel weird.

Coworker Jeff has a terrible habit of qualifying his compliments to other staff members, and that's when he gets into trouble:

"Nice hairdo today! You're looking very 50s!"
"..."
"Er... 1950s, not in your 50s. *nervous laughter*"

"Your necklace looks like you were just at Mardi Gras!"
"..."
"I mean the beads are so big and plastic-y."

I keep trying to ween him of it, to just say "I like your hair/necklace/suit jacket/shoes today." And leave it at that.

I'm in the fluffy battle kitten camp; not too open to others complimenting me on the way I look, so maybe feel that others won't like it if I compliment them on the way they look. Which is why I make sure that I usually tell them that they're looking nice for some specific reason--that sari colour looks really great on you, or that bindi really goes well with what you're wearing.

I don't have any intention of sleeping with any of these women (of course, I may have no intention of sleeping with any woman for a long time to come, who knows), but I do "like" these women a lot, because they are so likable, and we usually get along great together, so I don't think there's any question of harassment.

Is it wrong of me to like them more than I should, and where do I draw the line for that matter? The current staff I was with included two married women, and one who had a fiance, so we were just friends who would hang out. But I still had a crush on one of them (couldn't help it no matter how hard I tried; she was adorable). Do women mind if a guy develops an innocent crush on her? Is there anything such as an innocent crush, or does it then mutate into full blown infatuation and then you can't do anything except think about that person?

Do women mind if a guy develops an innocent crush on her? Is there anything such as an innocent crush, or does it then mutate into full blown infatuation and then you can't do anything except think about that person?

You're asking for sweeping generalizations. Women don't belong to some hive-mind; they're all going to have their own personal boundaries.

Look, I've had a lot of really great friendships with women over the years. If I'm honest, I'd have to admit to a couple of crushes along the way, but nothing that ever stood in the way of being pals.

If you're finding yourself mooning over that which you cannot have, it's gonna put a strain on the friendship, eventually. You'll need to either find a way to realize that what makes them crushworthy is what makes them a good friend*, or stop hanging out so much.


*I'm talking about personality here. If you're choosing friends because of how they look... I don't know what to tell you.

As stated, it is all about context and perceived context.

With people I know, I have a tendency to say the things that bmarkey says you should never say. As long as it's not seen as predatory, I don't think most women mind if you tell them that they're looking hot. If I know a woman really well, then there's pretty much nothing I won't say.

Don't worry too much about saying the wrong thing. I think it's more about how you say something. I try and keep compliments factual and down to earth in tone. Like I've just noticed something and am simply remaking on it.

Maybe, a good rule of thumb would be : If you'd be comfortable saying what you're gonna say to a man, then it's probably OK to say the same to a woman.

With people I know, I have a tendency to say the things that bmarkey says you should never say. As long as it's not seen as predatory, I don't think most women mind if you tell them that they're looking hot.

Emphasis added to beat the point home. With friends I know well, I, too, will say things that in other contexts I would never even consider, because I know (or at least I'm reasonably certain) that they'll be taken in the spirit in which they're intended.

Seanyboy's rule of thumb is a good one, especially with women you don't know really, really well.

Complimenting women that you know is usually safe if you stick to the clothes. Example:
Hello [name]. Nice outfit today, I love those boots.

Or colors:
Great dress, green suits you so well.

Or new hairdos:
Lovely haircut, that really suits you. (alternative: "Love what you did to your hair today, that really suits you" if it has not been cut)

Warning - going all complimenty on the hairstyles when the hair hasn't been cut makes you sounds like your a closeted hairdresser. ;P

If you must complement anyone, complement them on something that they have a high degree of control over - hair, nails, shoes and so on. Those kind of complements will rarely be taken the wrong way.

If you must complement anyone, complement them on something that they have a high degree of control over - hair, nails, shoes and so on. Those kind of complements will rarely be taken the wrong way.

Actually, people feel the need to comment on my hair a lot, and I almost always take it the wrong way, and here's why- they often qualify it with, oh, I like this hairdo *better* than some other hairdo. Compliments should not be an opportunity to remind someone of your personal taste- keep compliments on the level of telling someone they look nice rather than expressing your opinion of how they look. Fine line, I know.

how do women like to be complimented on the way they look?

As long as it's non-sexual, I don't mind. Don't tell me I look hot, sexy, good enough to eat, etc. Don't use corny one-liners or ask me "Where did you get that ass". Don't look me up and down or stare at my boobs. Don't make appreciative grunts and mmmmhmmmm noises. Just be pleasant and use words like nice, or pretty. As in, "You look really nice".

Sorry, but the server was down for like ten hours--fucking piece of shit.

If I'm honest, I'd have to admit to a couple of crushes along the way, but nothing that ever stood in the way of being pals.

And if I'm being honest, I almost always develop a crush on the girls I'm pals with, cos they end up being the only ones I hang out with, or feel comfortable enough hanging out with. You remember that line from Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, where Jim Carrey's character says: why do I fall in love with a woman who shows the slightest bit of interest in me... I feel like that sometimes. I know it's not fair to the women I'm friends with, but dammit, it's hard you know?

I'm late to the conversation.

I only feel comfortable if close family and friends compliment my appearance. I don't mind if someone I just met compliments my clothing, shoes, glasses, etc.

Derail: I do mind when my husband compliments my housework. My blood boils. I don't know why. I'm irritated if my husband says, honey the house looks nice. UGH! Like I am his little housekeeper. Of course I'm not his little housekeeper He is only trying to be nice. I still don't like it. On the other hand I feel unappreciated when it comes to keeping this household together. I'm mental.

Lori, that's so funny. So he's kind of damned if he does and damned if he doesn't!

More derail: I love it when my husband or one of the kids says something about how clean something is or how good a room smells (my son is in love with the smells of incense and PineSol and loves it when I clean a room and light incense - he turns to silly putty). It makes me feel like someone noticed, which is good. I like being appreciated for any old thing, I guess. Likewise, I try to make it a point to compliment them on brewing an especially great cup of tea, how well they grilled a steak, a well-swept floor, a nicely-folded t-shirt drawer, etc.

"God, you look great!"

And if you mean it, anyone on the other end of that will like it. . .

I like being appreciated for any old thing, I guess.

God, you look great!

Have to test my theory

(Lori, can you see if he can switch it to, "Thanks for cleaning the house"? Would that help? Seems to emphasize the work you did, maybe, rather than the finished product, as if implying that the finished product is the expected state of the house.)

hadjiboy, really, I think when people start overthinking things in order to create blanket "rules" that apply to all people in all situations, that's when interactions start to feel strained and awkward. The examples of compliments you gave don't seem to cross any huge lines of etiquette (at least to me they don't), and it sounds like you're saying that no one's ever reacted badly to them. So it sounds like you're doing fine.

Women are just people, you know. Some of us like some stuff, others like other stuff. Some women (as noted above) hate any compliments about their appearance. I love (appropriately non-sexual) compliments from pretty much anybody, because I'm a complete egomaniac. :-)

You just kinda gotta figure us out individually, while applying what you know about human beings in general. I think the best thing you can do is watch people's reactions to things, and really listen when they talk, and just start developing a gut-level reaction for when someone's giving off "This is a pleasant interaction" vibes and for when someone's giving off "I really don't want to continue talking to you" vibes, and let your conversational partners' reactions guide how you interact.

Because otherwise it's less of a conversation and more of a monologue, really. :-)

"Thanks for cleaning the house"?

Yes! That isn't offensive at all. Thanks, occhi.

I love it when my husband or one of the kids says something about how clean something is or how good a room smells

Iconomy, I'm guessing you are a mature and rational person, unlike myself. My kids can say something. If my husband says something, KILL! KILL! KILL! :)

God, you look great!

God told me to tell you, "Thanks for the compliment - you made me feel really special!"

Iconomy, I'm guessing you are a mature and rational person, unlike myself. My kids can say something. If my husband says something, KILL! KILL! KILL! :)

Haha...I'm actually the same way. My husband is always saying "How come the kids can xyz and it's fine but when I xyz you freak out?" so I'm guilty of that too. Even though I don't know exactly what "that" is..... ;P

Related, in a sort of oppositey way:
There's been a handful of times that my wife has gotten to work in the morning, in a great mood, and someone will say, "Are you okay?" or "Wow, you look really tired."
Which of course will wreck her good mood for the day. What do you say to something like that? "Thanks!"
For the record, I think she looks great, especially when she's going to work, so she doesn't really know what they're talking about; she doesn't look any different than any other day.
So ya, it can work the other way too. Why would someone you don't really know tell you you look tired?
Oh, also, some guy on the street once told her that she should smile more. She wanted to punch him.

It's kind of a weird area, telling someone what you think they look like.

Oh, also, some guy on the street once told her that she should smile more. She wanted to punch him.

Argh. I totally hate that. It's infuriating.

I was in a club once, deep in conversation with my date, who was also a bartender there. I felt someone staring at me, and turned and glanced at some guy leaning against a wall. The instant I looked at him he made a gesture where he put his fingers on the corners of his mouth and stretched them and then mouthed the word "smile" to me. Uh....what? Jerk. What am I supposed to be smiling about? Should I smile about how infuriating it is when you do that? You aren't smiling, why should I be?

And then I married him. So I guess it works sometimes.

Hah!

Your husband has now become god for me, iconomy:)

Stares at ico, leans against a wall, and says SMILE

Women are just people, you know.

Oh, but they are so much more!

*goes and hides in a corner*

I had the most fantastic opportunity to maybe MAYBE (again, how the hell are you supposed to know these things; well, by trying I guess, which is scary as hell), talk to two very, very pretty girls at Subway today, but I'd taken my sis along so obviously couldn't let her know that her elder brother is a buffoon. Ah.

hadjiboy, It's kind of a trap to seek intergender relations advice from people who, as this thread indicates, are primarily Western women, when you're applying it to the culture of India. Etiquette and panache are context-specific.

I wonder: what objective are you trying to meet by paying women compliments? Is it only that you notice their nice attire or demeanor and want to cheer them up by boosting their confidence and sharing good feelings, or do you want to make an impression and garner their attention?

I agree with Ambrosia Voyeur -- there IS a lot of cultural context. I have run into this with international graduate students. "Who's allowed to touch whom, in what way, under what conditions, without it being an affront" varies so much by culture that I witnessed at least two potential sexual-harassment misunderstandings between people of two cultures.

That being said, I will talk about what I feel qualified to talk about -- crushes. They happen. I think crushes are natural.

In a marriage, it's best to work out your "crush energy" on your spouse. Makes them VERY HAPPY, I've noticed. I used to be the queen of crushes, and even now, I get teeny-tiny crushes (only teeny-tiny because I'm happily married and there's no reason to develop anything else).

As a faculty member, I have been the object of student crushes at least -- oh, heck, I've lost count, but you can generally tell. (There was the one guy, my first year of teaching college, who felt really cheeky at graduation and kissed me. In front of all my graduating students.) It is absolutely vital as a teacher to DO NOTHING TO ACKNOWLEDGE THE CRUSH IN THE LEAST. The power dynamic is just too ugly otherwise, and does a disservice to the student.

Things get more interesting when there is potential for things to develop. Just enjoy the crushes, and keep your eyes open to see if things are reciprocated. Enjoy the bittersweetness of the hopeless ones. Write poetry from them that nobody gets to read.

i just bug my eyes out and exclaim "SPROING!"

but i'm quonsar, ya know...

In a marriage, it's best to work out your "crush energy" on your spouse.

This has not worked out well for me. . .annoys her. . .

There's been a handful of times that my wife has gotten to work in the morning, in a great mood, and someone will say, "Are you okay?" or "Wow, you look really tired."

She should figure out what the common denominator is on those days. For instance I discovered that when I wore a particular lipstick to work, my boss would ask if I was okay, and did I want to go home till I felt better. (Took me a while to make the connection though.)

What color was that lipstick? Ice blue?

Actually it WAS a sort of gray-y mauve.

Just never, never compliment someone on weight loss unless you know FOR SURE they were trying to drop weight.
One of my closest friends has Graves Disease. She gained a lot of weight from a med they put her on, and was in stasis for a long time. People have been complimenting her lately since she's lost so much, but in truth it's because her disease is active again, and she's gone down about sixty pounds in three months. Every time someone says something it just makes her more worried since she has no health insurance and doesn't know what to do.

An extreme example, but you get what I mean.

Also, small_ruminant, please share the brand and exact shade of the "boss offers to let you go home" lipstick.

Wow, you all look good in that suit.