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26 March 2008

Hey bosses, heres a thing... If I tell you I can't do something, it's because I can't do it. [More:]If I tell you that the "held together with string and glue" version of the thing I can't do isn't ready, then it isn't ready. Here's a list of things that will not magically help the project to be finished at the time you (not me, you) told the customer it will be finished.

- prefixing the requirements with "only", "just", "all you have to do is" and "it should be simple to".

- Telling me that the customer needs the thing by a certain date. Reminding me that the customer is a big important customer.

- Offering to come and talk to me about my "issues"

- Trying to guilt me into doing the thing quicker.

- Telling me that someone else could do it in the proposed timeframe.

Here's some other hints and tips...

You may have liked Star Trek when you were a kid, but that whole thing with Scotty doing the impossible when placed under extra pressue - It aint me. If I tell you the thing is outside my current realm of knowledge, then that's because it is. If I can't tell you how long it's going to take to write something in a computer language I've never used before, then guess what Sherlock... It's because I do not know.

Changing requirements half way through the project... That's fine. But don't expect your newly defined version of the software to be ready at the same time as the version I quoted you for.

Also, you're not going to speed this project by trickling requirements to me slowly.
You: Can you build me a thing.
Me: Sure... Here it is.
You: And now, if you could just make it invisible.

The bad thing about this, is I told you two months ago that we shouldn't take this project on. And you ignored me. And now you're flapping about, trying to guilt trip me into doing something I can barely do in a timeframe I can't do it in at all.

Fuck You. I'm going to metachat to moan.
I was just about to make a justified-whining work post. Thanks for saving me the trouble!

Not to post-jack, but in my case, I've been told to cover a class tonight for someone who's "sick" but who is more likely just taking some extra time off as she isn't scheduled tomorrow. And I didn't get any sleep last night - literally, any. And now I'm here until 9. And back again at 9 in the morning. And here until 9 tomorrow night too.

How a company can give me the worst schedule ever, yet still manage to not "fill up" my timetable - leaving at least three more classes they could just throw at me at the last minute - when we've got heaps and heaps of people here to cover a class...I do not know.

More frustrating, though, is the fact that I was chosen for the honor of covering a class because I was the first teacher our admin people saw. If I'd been out for lunch, or just not visible some way, I'd have dodged the bullet, and since I'm salaried and not hourly-paid, it's in my interest to avoid working as much as possible. Aaaaaugh.
posted by mdonley 26 March | 06:13
As my first husband used to respond to management's top, clever psych-motivational speech of "you don't wanna do it, there's somebody waiting in line who'd love to have your job":

"Yeah, I know; that asshole's been following me around for years... seems like he'd get tired of it."

Sorry it's sucking for you two. :(
posted by taz 26 March | 06:36
Geez guys that sucks for both of you. There's nothing worse than trying to learn something with a time constraint. When you quit, you could give the boss this, since he seems to think YOU have one for the thing.
posted by chewatadistance 26 March | 06:57
Yeah, that sucks. I used to get stuff like that (well, not programming, but it's all the same in the end). Now I work for the government and we have meetings to work out how to spend the extra $500k we suddenly found in our budget for this year. I'm lobbying for some custom-built software for scheduling our jobs. Anyone know any good programmers that work cheap and quick ;-)
posted by dg 26 March | 07:56
I will build you custom-built software for scheduling your jobs for $500,000, no problem.
posted by cmonkey 26 March | 08:03
Sometimes it seems that there's no "win" in a situation. The best you can do is stand your ground when you know you're right.

It's rotten - sorry y'all have to deal with not only doing your job, but also getting harassment about it too!

*gives virtual hugs to all*
posted by mightshould 26 March | 08:06
Oh, man, that really sucks. Isn't it always the case that the person who doesn't know whether it can be done makes the promises to the customers about when and how it will be done?
posted by lleachie 26 March | 08:15
Them : Please import this extra free text field in the CSV file into the database.
Me : Fine. I've done that. I've updated the schema and released that.
Them : Can you just add the field to the CSV Export as well.
Me : Fine.
Them : Actually, the free text is a range of dates.
Me : That's cool. It exports as free text.
Them : So, can you simply export it as a start date and an end date.
Me : I can, but if they're dates, shouldn't the import be two date columns. It'll stop things going wrong. Really.
Them : That's a good idea. I'll ask them.
Me : OK....
[time passes]
Me : Did you ask them about the dates.
Them : I didn't.
Me : Can you ask them.
Them : It's too late. You'll have to convert the free text to a range of dates.
Me : You know that's just asking for trouble.
Them : You just have to do it. It's OK though, the dates are always in the same format.
Me : What about this line in the test data. It's in a different format.
Them : Oh that's just test data. The real data will be better.
Me : Can you get some real data.
Them : Hmmmm.
Me : Can you get some real data.
Them : Hmmmm.
Me : Can you get some real data. I can't do anything until I've got it.
Them : Here you go.
Me : OK - This file is a completely separate format to the original. There's new fields.
Them : Can you add those to the import and export.
Me : Sigh.
Me : And look at this. Can you see what it is.
Them : It's a range of dates.
Me : It's in a different format.
Them : Yes, they sometimes manually edit the CSV before import.
Me : O...K...
posted by seanyboy 26 March | 08:31
Today I'm at home with my daughter because she has pink eye (and has been trying to give it to me). The explosive poo was merely an added bonus.
posted by plinth 26 March | 09:00
OMG seanyboy. That's horrible and hilarious. My old boss was just like that, but in a non-programmatic way. One of my favourites was to make me the lead on something, and then leave me completely out of the loop. The other one I liked was to tell me he needed me to do something, so I'd get it rolling, gather all the info I needed, and then go to implement, only to find that HE HAD ALREADY DONE IT. POORLY.

Ah, the old days. Things are much less ridiculous around here. At least in my department anyway. Outside of my department, it's still ridiculous.
posted by richat 26 March | 09:06
How utterly craptastic. I remember begging my last boss (who was neither a writer nor an editor) not to make time promises on jobs he wasn't going to end up doing and had no idea how to do, or at least to talk to me first. It was exasperating. Your situation sounds much more so--that would send me into screaming-slamming-the-phone-on-the-desk mode.

You: And now, if you could just make it invisible.


Could you pass the paper towel? Make it quick--I don't want this tea dripping onto the keyboard.
posted by elizard 26 March | 09:45
Argh, my sympathy to seanyboy & mdonley! Work is indeed the curse of the drinking classes. Down with the imperialist running dogs of very small brain who call themselves bosses; first up against the wall when the revolution comes; etc.

My boss is not here again today. She wasn't here yesterday either. She's not here a lot. I thought it was cool to have a slacker boss, ya know, when she first started. Then, slowly, I began to realize who would be doing her job while she was not here: me. I did her job for seven months - in addition to my job, without extra pay or an extra title - before she got here, after all. Now she's here, making almost twice as much money as me and I'm still doing her job. What's wrong with this picture, bunnies?

granted, I'm passively aggressively not doing her job very well, but still. Anyway, even when I do her job badly I still do it better than her because she's completely unqualified. To make it all doubly maddening, I turned her job down because I didn't want it in the first place! Argh!
posted by mygothlaundry 26 March | 09:49
Oh for crying out loud.... I've just received this...

Just wanted to let you know that the Retail and Payments imports which should be 2 separate programs please (nor should they be part of the Invoice import) should have the capability of exporting the list of files to Excel/CSV so that they can add up the value column for reconciliation purposes.

This is a direct contradiction to the original spec.
And they go live on Friday morning?
posted by seanyboy 26 March | 10:52
I think we should have one day a year where we actively oppose all of the worthless little polite bullshit-nothings such as the ones mentioned in seanyboy's second paragraph.

I despise politeness. How much better would it be if people had to tell the truth?

"I know it's difficult and it's my fault, but do this x y z thing. I have made your job harder and will do a b c thing to mitigate the damage I have caused."
posted by By the Grace of God 26 March | 13:38
Holy fucking gah!

*Hands seanyboy a shot bottle of very good whiskey and a hammer to use on whatever he feels is appropriate, offers to act as alibi if necessary*
posted by elizard 26 March | 20:01
Seanyboy, I know just where you are...

Wait for the bit when they:

1) explain that the needs to be ready at start of business tomorrow, so good luck with however long that's going to take, and then they GO HOME.
2) explain that the deadline they committed to with the client can easily be made, if we just do without all that time-consuming testing stuff.


That's about the point where I lose all motivation for the job, and start posting to mecha etc.

So, yeah, about six months ago....
posted by pompomtom 27 March | 00:34
robot camera meets large, grumpy tiger || What sort of a day do you prefer?

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