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14 January 2008

I love her. How can I show her? I've been going out with my girlfriend for the past 9 months. It's been a long distance relationship for the majority of that time. We currently live about 8 hours apart.[More:]

Last night, she said she was getting bored with the relationship and said I wasn't being romantic enough lately. I thought I was being romantic by telling her I love her, taking a genuine interest in her life, and telling her I support her.

I guess she wants the Don Juan/Casanova stuff.

What can I do to make her feel special?
Write her a love letter. Sketch her portrait. She'll keep it forever.

Send her art, flowers, perfume, or something beautiful to wear.

And in future, what she means by "romantic" is probably "surprisingly thoughtful," so a daily kiss and an "I love you" become routine and loose their oomph. It's normal for romance to subside as commitment and abiding love take over, but keep a trick in your pocket for maximum girlfriend satisfaction!!
posted by Ambrosia Voyeur 14 January | 12:20
Long distance is hard. Eight hours is far away. Do/did y'all have any plans to eventually be in the same place at the same time? Because unending eight hours away is a big problem and it's hard to be romantic when you're just not there.

Surprise gifts are good though, and by gifts I mean some rocks you found, a postcard with a love poem on it, 2 roses - nothing extravagant, just stuff to show her that you're thinking of her. Mushy emails out of the blue. Real, actual love letters via snail mail. My bf went out to get coffee a couple weeks ago and came back with roses as well as coffee - that is romance.
posted by mygothlaundry 14 January | 12:43
Ah but a man never got a woman back
Not by begging on his knees
- Leonard Cohen - I'm Your Man

probably unhelpful, sorry
posted by DarkForest 14 January | 12:57
It was around that time that I gave the gf a journal with a page-long reflection on catching dandelion puffs and asked her to write/draw whatever on the next page... And we'd just trade back and forth until we filled the journal. (We never did - we're still together a million years later though.)

Aside from that, I've written her little folded-note invitations to "adventures" with drawn maps of the excursions and random commentary. I will sing her name in a song I have stuck in my head, very poorly.

I can't reveal all my secrets of long term seduction, but in my mind the key to contemporary romancing is adding something small, stupid but personal to the normal routine. Have fun.
posted by pokermonk 14 January | 13:07
I'm in love with a bipolar crack addict who has anti-social personality disorder. I do not recommend this. But it's hardly boring.
posted by quonsar 14 January | 13:09
She wants to know that you're thinking about her, that you have an active and invested interest in her day-to-day life, beyond listening to her on the phone or reading her emails. All the suggestions about are great for conveying that.

Alternately, she wants to break up with you and is setting the stage.
posted by muddgirl 14 January | 13:37
quonsar: I didn't know you cared!
posted by BitterOldPunk 14 January | 14:32
There are capitals in that sentence. Where is the real quonsar and what have done with him?!
posted by deborah 14 January | 14:58
When my boyfriend and I were doing the long-distance thing (about 400 miles, and either I drove it or he flew it so that we saw each other every 2-3 weeks during the course of that summer), one of the most romantic things he did was to introduce me to the story of Altair and Vega: lovers forced apart but for one day of meeting every year. Then I got flowers with the note calling me his beautiful Vega, cue the swooning.
posted by rhapsodie 14 January | 15:37
I thought I was being romantic by telling her I love her, taking a genuine interest in her life, and telling her I support her.

That's good stuff, but it sounds to me like being loving. Romantic is different.

I'm sure you've thought of this, but... it's worth asking her what she means by "romantic." I can tell you what strikes me as romantic all day long, but it doesn't mean anything unless it means something to her and you.

But I'll tell you: The Fella rarely brings me flowers, but when he does, they're my favorite flowers, because he noticed what they are. When he dims the lights and lights candles and draws me a bath, he puts out my favorite soap, because he knows what it is. That strikes me as romantic.
posted by Elsa 14 January | 16:11
romantic tricks that worked on me:

1) In a loong distance relationship - After him hanging with me for a week he went back home and we'd not see each other for months again. In wee corners everywhere in my apartment where hidden notes all with lines from "I love you baby, and if it's quite alright I need you baby".. Even one that just read "ba-dap ba-dap, ba-ram-amp-pam ba-rap ba-rap BAAAAH!" and silly fake musical notes hidden in my coffee-jar. Two months later my mom was over and reclaimed my purse (which was hers originally), and told me very sincerely "Your boyfriend loves me, I found a note in here that says so!"
I still have that note. It was cute for ages. Also, he must have done all those notes when I slept, making the one hidden in the sofa-bed which jumped out at me the next night even more impressive.

2) Stuff she mentions in passing and doesn't seem like a big deal might be. I mentioned to my BF that I liked a particular kind of notebook when we were browsing in an art supply store "but I never find them these days". Out of the blue, I suddenly had my favorite notebook on my desk as he found a store that sold them. It says thoughtful and pays attention, and you can never go wrong with that.
posted by dabitch 14 January | 16:35
I'm in love with quonsar. I do not recommend this. But it's hardly boring.
posted by essexjan 14 January | 16:44
Also, AskMe has loads of threads on keeping a spark in long-distance relationships. Some of the cool ideas there:
- send her a note by postcard every day or two.
- Use online ordering to have a dinner delivered to her door.
- the date in a box!
- I love love love the instant birthday party!
- make the extra effort of getting to know her friends, and getting her to know yours. That's tough in a LDR, but worth it so you can socialize when you're together.

Only you know if any of those are appropriate for your situation; as most of the comments above indicate, the meaningful gestures show that you're paying attention.
posted by Elsa 14 January | 17:05
A love-in with quonsar. I do not recommend this. But it's hardly boring.
posted by DarkForest 14 January | 17:23
She's not bored with the relationship. She's bored with you.
posted by pieisexactlythree 14 January | 17:36
This might be a nice surprise. Unless she thinks it means a trip.
posted by danf 14 January | 18:08
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