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30 December 2007

Gaaaaaah! Tell me I did the right thing and that I'm not a huge asshole.→[More:]

Backstory: I've mentioned my drunk neighbor Nancy many times here, and all of the problems she brought with her. She moved out in September to a house around the corner.

She moved out (was kicked out, actually, by her parents) when I was in TX for two weeks while my mom had surgery. Because I couldn't find anyone else to feed my cats, I asked Nancy to check on them a couple times. I absolutely didn't want to, but I didn't really have a choice.

I offered to pay her at the time. She reminded me that when her power had been turned off earlier in the year, I lent her an extension cord (and juice) for a week, and that feeding the cats twice would be repayment.

Fast forward: Ten minutes ago, Nancy knocks on my door. (It's 10:15 p.m.) She showed up a few months ago asking if she could use the phone, so I knew immediately that she wanted something.

Me: Hi, Nancy. What's up?
Her (crying a little and slurring her words): Remember when I babysat the cats?
Me: Yeah?
Her: Well when I babysat the cats, I bought cat food? It was, like, $6.50?
Me: Nancy, I'm sorry, but I don't have any cash. I'm really broke and waiting for a paycheck.
Nancy turns around and slinks off.

Point 1: I know for a fact that Nancy didn't buy cat food -- the friend I normally would have asked ended up canceling her vacation and was watching the cats at the same time Nancy was. If anyone had bought cat food, it would have been her. And she didn't. The cats had plenty of food.

Point 2: She used my electricity for a week (and started using it before asking me if it was okay), and that surely cost more than $6.50.

Point 3: I lied. I do have some cash. But I actually AM really poor right now, and the little cash I have I'm saving for New Year's Eve. And if I'm going to be buying booze for anyone, it'll be for me and the gf, not for Nancy.

But still, it was cold, she was crying, and she was obviously going from door to door looking for someone who would help her. And I feel shitty for not doing it. (But if she had asked me for food, I would probably have fed her.)

Mostly, I don't want to be one of the people she relies on, because I can't fucking support her! And I shouldn't have to!

So I did okay by telling her 'no,' right?

I'm thinking I should check the batteries in the smoke alarms tonight, just in case....

post by: mudpuppie at: 01:30 | 27 comments

Bonus guilt issue: There's been a rat in my kitchen for the past couple weeks. I've worked very hard at trapping it. Once, the cat had it cornered on a swag hook screwed into the ceiling. Poor little rat was grasping onto the hook with all four of its little feet. Cat was trying to climb the wall to eat it, I was trying to knock it into a trash can.

(Actually, my initial plan was to suck it up in the Shopvac, and I even called my dad to make
sure that the Shopvac wouldn't puree the rat. He assured me that it wouldn't, but then he asked if the Shopvac hose was rat-sized. I thought it was, until I aimed the hose at the rat. So I thought maybe I'd try to capture the rat tail-first, thinking I could then at least maneuver it into the trash cat and take it out side. Then I remembered all those stories you hear about kids who sit on the drains of swimming pools and get disemboweled from the suction, so I abandoned the Shopvac ploy. And meantime, girlfriend is lecturing me about the plague. But anyway.)

Yeah, but anyway. I've had a live trap set for two or three weeks. At first, the cats kept tripping it. I finally found a good place in the pantry for it, and then the rat tripped it a few times. I found a way to weight the trap so that it wouldn't have such a hair trigger, but the rat stayed away. Then came xmas. I was gone for 5 days. I debated about leaving the trap set, or re-setting it when I came home. I was pressed for time, though, and just left it there, hoping nothing bad would happen when I was gone.

When I came home from the airport, rat was in trap. Dead. :( :( :( Guess the poor thing died of thirst or starvation. I felt really, really bad.

If the damned rat had done what it was supposed to do, and had ventured into the trap when I was actually here, I would have relocated it to the beautiful community garden down the street.

Stupid rat.

Guilt! I have guilt!

posted by mudpuppie 30 December | 01:43

DO.
NOT.
ENABLE.

You done good, mups.

posted by stilicho 30 December | 01:43

Nancy may be quite aware from past experience that Saturday nights are not the best time for hitting people up for money, probably second worst to Sunday nights/Monday mornings. Don't fret over it.

posted by mischief 30 December | 02:04

As for the rat, you did what you could. In the overall scheme of the universe, the incident is inconsequential.

posted by mischief 30 December | 02:07

Well, you not only gave her electricity, you've also taken her to the hospital (at least a couple of times, I think?) and, knowing you, probably other nice things. Can you really feel guilty for not giving her money to buy more booze tonight? You shouldn't.

And about the rat - don't think of it as murdering a poor defenseless rat, think of it as strengthening the entire future rat population. This rat was too dim to relocate to a cat-free adobe, and would have contributed its stupid gene to any potential offspring.

posted by taz 30 December | 02:20

My thoughts about insects and other pests:

When they're outside, I walk around them, give them space, don't bother them. After all, I'm in their home.

When they come inside my home, all bets are off.

As for Nancy, stilicho said it, Don't enable. It ultimately hurts you both.

posted by netbros 30 December | 02:27

You are not a huge asshole.

posted by rainbaby 30 December | 02:38

What stilicho said.

We've got mice in the house. Always do every winter. Every year I've tried getting my dad to use live traps but he never does. I flipped the fuck out on him when he used glue traps last year, and REALLY flipped when I realized one day he had put a live mouse in the trash in the garage.

Tonight, a mouse got caught in one of those modern versions of the "stick your fingers on it and you'll break'em" snappy traps. Especially given the fate of the mice last year, I don't feel so bad. It was quick, at least.

posted by CitrusFreak12 30 December | 03:28

Clearly you should've given the rat $6.50 for its suffering. You monster.

posted by mullacc 30 December | 03:34

≡ Click to see image ≡

posted by essexjan 30 December | 04:58

Yes, mup, everyone here is correct. You did the right thing with your neighbor.

It used to chafe at me when I was doing my best to eke out a living, working hard, and trying to save a bit, and then I'd get someone hitting me up for money for booze, or cigarettes. I remember feeling like I was barely getting by, working 60 hours a week, so...I didn't really have much to spare for the folks who sat around most of the day outside the place I worked.

Maybe a little cold, but I felt it was justified.

As for the rat, you totally did your best. That's all a rat can ask.

posted by richat 30 December | 07:52

You did fine, mudpuppie. Don't fret it.

posted by goo 30 December | 07:56

I think in the future, I'd ask her gently, "Is there something that you need?" If she says she's hungry, feed her. If she's cold, give her a blanket. Etc. If you are pretty sure the money will be used for booze, don't give it. You weren't an asshole, but you weren't really helpful to someone in need, either.

I haven't read any of your other posts about this woman, so I'm basing my advice entirely on this thread.

As for the rat, I'm the type who releases bugs outside rather than swat them, and I still think you did what you could. You were as compassionate as possible, but shit happens.

posted by desjardins 30 December | 09:32

Offer her food, aspirin, ride to the hospital/rehab/AA meeting, but not cash. Sad, but giving her cash allows her to poison herself with alcohol.

Rats carry disease and fleas. No reason to be cruel to them, but they cause a great deal of misery.

You are not an asshole at all. Do not let rats and drunks guilt you. That's your family's job.

posted by theora55 30 December | 10:18

What netbros said. And EJ that was cruel!!!!!

posted by chewatadistance 30 December | 10:30

You are under no responsibility to pay for another person's addiction, no more than you are required to give your money to crackheads on the street who "just need a few dollars for gas." And if you ever feel bad about it, just think, how would you feel if you discovered it was the bottle bought with money from you that killed her??

And honestly, if you give her a few dollars even once, you'll be the one she keeps going back to for more since she knows you'll do it.

posted by kellydamnit 30 December | 10:51

You're fine. Setting boundaries is good. She'd probably be better off if more people had done so with her during her life.

And you didn't kill the rat. You saved it from being eaten by the cats.

posted by occhiblu 30 December | 11:23

mudpuppie--you're so sweet.:)
If I were ever a rat, or a homeless person looking for food, or just about anything living--I'd love to be in your vicinity.
No, you should NOT feel guilty. Yeah, it's kind of sad that Nancy had to go door-to-door on a chilly night to ask for money, but like you said--you already offered her help in the past, and you were almost broke. So, you saved the money for a little bit of your own enjoyment. We're all human.

posted by hadjiboy 30 December | 11:38

Also, killing a rat is like a sport over here, so if you're feeling that bad about it, just pass the karma onto me;)

posted by hadjiboy 30 December | 11:40

If this is how you "mistreat" the people and other living things around you, you are a jewel in the crown of humanity. I think you handled it just fine.

posted by crush-onastick 30 December | 11:41

Additionally, re the rat... I had a friend who lost a pet due to something nasty picked up from a rat that got into her building. You were being a responsible owner to your kitty and saving him from a nasty bite and who knows what else. I have no problems with rats in general, I have friends who keep some as pets, but if it's some rat from the streets carrying who knows what or my kitty, no question there.
And odds are, if you had released it to the community garden, it would have managed to get back into your house, or someone else's.

posted by kellydamnit 30 December | 13:22

"That's your family's job."

Except if they are also rats and drunks.

posted by mischief 30 December | 13:33

You did the right thing. You are not a huge asshole.

You didn't even make the minor leagues of assholishness.

Now relax and stop feeling so much guilt about standing up for yourself and protecting your own interests.

Niceness is valuable only when it has limits.

posted by jason's_planet 30 December | 13:57

nthing the "you are not an asshole" affirmations.

You didn't enable someone who is clearly sick to make herself even sicker, and you did all you could to spare the life of the rat. (Which may have died of panic, rather than starvation or dehydration, and that might have happened even if you were home.)

posted by me3dia 30 December | 14:55

What they ^^^ said. (((mudpuppie)))

posted by deborah 30 December | 16:27

FWIW, a month or two ago I caught a rat in a havahart trap in the basement sometime between midnight and about 8am the next morning, and it was dead when I found it too. I think they sometimes just freak out and die and there's not a lot you can do about it.

posted by George_Spiggott 30 December | 22:06

Giving her money would be letting her use you....so no, you're not an asshole.

posted by brujita 31 December | 04:20

← I blame jason's_planet for this: Third World Squats. || ?? →

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