I've done this. No one was there to lend a hand.

All I can say is tell her "the cat is old and has had a good life. It's hard to say goodbye but you know it's the best thing for the cat. Hug "him or her" and say goodbye and I love you. It is the best thing you can do."

That, and hug her when it is over.

arse_hat has it. I've had to have a couple of pets put to sleep over the years, and the most important thing is being reassured that you're doing the right thing--it takes strength and love to know when it has to be done and go through with it, even if you understand that intellectually. The first time the vet suggested that I not go in with her (a lovely old cat). To this day, I regret taking that advice--the thought that she died pretty much alone haunts me. When my ex had to have his (formerly our) dog put down I stayed to the end. Wept like a baby, but was so glad I could be with her and hold her, and that we did it together, even though we generally didn't get along. Maybe make room for some quiet time afterwards--go for a walk together, sit somewhere quiet, whatever soothes you both. My heart goes out to you both.

I've done this three times, and it's never easy.

With two of my cats, I was with them at the end, and it gave me comfort to know that mine was the last face they saw, the last voice they heard telling them I loved them, stroking them as they went to sleep. It was over very, very quickly, a matter of seconds.

A friend of mine who was insanely devoted to her dog had a little ceremony to scatter his ashes in the river at one of his favourite swimming spots. Perhaps in a few months when spring is here your ex could, I don't know, maybe bury her cat's ashes and plant a rose bush or something over the top as a permanent reminder.

But for now she'll have to go through a lot of pain and tears and there's no way of avoiding that. One of the benefits of cat ownership is years of kitteh fun, but with that comes the responsibility of its care and well-being, and that includes having to make the decision all pet owners dread.

Everyone has to find their own way to say goodbye. All you can do is be supportive.

So very good of you to be there. She will sort her feelings as best she can. Be there afterwards too. Help with the decision of what to do with the remains. I was alone when my 19 year old one died (didn't have to make the pts decision), and I had to dig the grave and do everything all on my own. Very hard.
I was with my Mom when she had to take her sick kitty in - she needed help with deciding about cremation, etc.
You are doing the best thing possible, which is to be there.

What things did she want done when people special to her died? I would say do the same things.

My first dog was put to sleep when I was 14; she'd had a stroke several months earlier. I wanted to sit shiva, but was only allowed to stay home for one day. My second dog died at animal emergency after her regular vet wouldn't treat her--and I have no fucking idea why (he had told chupahija before I came back for winter break to bring her in for bloodwork after Christmas; when I did, he told me I was being paranoid). I don't know if it would have made any difference if I could have brought her in sooner. There was a family party and my cunt of a mother ranted that she didn't care that both me and the dog were sick, I had to go to this. When we got home, Lennon had crawled under a bush in the back yard. Animal emergency was willing to do the bloodwork, but she died before the results came in; it turned out that her liver was shot. I started crying when I heard the news over the phone and chupahija gave me a big hug. I should have rammed her with my elbow.

What did help was a dear relative having me over for lunch and giving me a copy of My Dog Tulip.

I've been in your exact position Lassie. I helped my friend put down her cat, who she'd had for more than a decade. I think one of the things that pets teach us is how to love something that we'll far outlive. Your ex has given her cat a good life and this is the last thing to be done. Let her know that she's doing the right thing for her pet.

Sometimes you have a vivid dream after an animal (or person) leaves you. You'd swear the dream was real. They visit you again. Sometimes the dream was so real that when you wake up you look around to see where your fiend, who was beside you just a moment ago, has gone. This has happened to me, to friends, and evidently to many other people at a time of loss. If she has a vivid dream after kitty is gone, remember what I said and tell her it was kitty visiting her again. This helps.

fiend shd be friend above, of course.

Not sure if anyone's still reading this, but I didn't want to take up valuable front page space with an update. Thanks so much for all the advice. I just got back to NY from the trip, and it was sad, but I did take some pointers from people here, and I think it helped.

I took some pictures of her with her cat the night I got there, and downloaded them to her computer. I was there when the vet came the next day, along with another friend of ours, and I took her to a nice Christmas Eve dinner afterwards.

Now, she just needs to go through the mourning process. She has a beautiful garden outside her house, and I suggested she bury the urn with the kitty's ashes next to the bench that looks out on it, so that when she sits there on summer evenings, her cat's right next to her. She seemed to like this idea.

Merry Christmas, all, and thanks again.

Thanks for the update. You've been a good friend to her, from the sound of it.