Don't go to Japan, then, ever, chuckdarwin. Everybody who comes to know your name, will, sooner or later, if you do not volunteer the information politely, yourself, ask your age. It's necessary that they know a person's age, culturally, to properly respect and address older persons, particularly when there are many persons in groups. So, it's more than very impolite, it's socially wrong, to lie or be reticent in the least about disclosing your age.

Doing so calls into question your entire ethos, and makes everybody nervous. Better you announce your age, politely, so nobody has to ask.

And "What do you do?" or actually, in the vernacular German "What do you make?" is still a pretty popular getting-to-know-you question in Germany, as well as here in the U.S. The British reluctance to ask or respond to that question, I find, varies a lot, too. Around Sheffield, where I had friends and visited frequently in the late '80s, it was a question I got frequently, and asked with good results, in many pub visits. But it seemed less likely to be asked or answered around London, as I recall.

Don't go to Japan, then, ever, chuckdarwin. Everybody who comes to know your name, will, sooner or later, if you do not volunteer the information politely, yourself, ask your age. It's necessary that they know a person's age, culturally, to properly respect and address older persons, particularly when there are many persons in groups. So, it's more than very impolite, it's socially wrong, to lie or be reticent in the least about disclosing your age.

All the more reason to go, then! I love stuff like this, obviously. Japan is very high on my list of places to visit, and I really like some aspects of Japanese culture (respect for elders, low incidence of theft, more pride in one's work, etc).

But it seemed less likely to be asked or answered around London, as I recall.

In London, it's like asking "Have you had plastic surgery?"

I dunno, "what do you do" seems like a fairly frequently asked question in my experience (twenty-something living in London).

I remember reading something a few years ago (probably in one of these 'lifestyle' mags that comes with the weekend papers) about it used to be a very taboo question, but is pretty standard now. Maybe it's one of those things that's changing.

Most friends know what I do, but I never tell strangers, as there is some sensitivity involved in my job. "I work in an office" is usually enough but if people say "doing what?" I say "office work" and that's usually the end of the questioning.

Jan has hit it, I think.

Yes, you might get asked the question, but few people will ever answer it with any level of detail.

The one question I've always really hated is "What is your natural hair colour?" which I am only asked when I keep it blond. I dye it all sorts of other colours and people don't ask when it is black, brunette or redhead. They ask when I leave it the fuck alone because I have black eyebrows. arrrgghhhhh.

or wait, second worse is if I tell them that I'm blond and then they follow-up with "do you dye your eyebrows?" I should have started punching people for that a long time ago. Nobody asks my brother the same questions.

"do you dye your eyebrows?" is rude no matter where you are! Even your stylist should pause before asking that.

I don't think this an etiquette thing - most people's jobs are dull and boring and difficult to explain and not really relevant. If people are fobbing you off it could easily just mean they don't think it's a hot conversation topic rather than inappropriate or anything like that.

People ask me that too, dabitch! Even though my natural hair colour is an in-betweeny blondy-brown, my eyebrows are black. That question drives me crazy. And yeah, I've been asked by my stylist, and the woman who sold me the makeup for my wedding. Gah!

I don't find it's particularly rare to be asked what I do, and I don't mind it. I try to respect the fact that people do various different things, and the question 'what do you do' implies a job outside the home, whereas someone might be caring for children or dependent relatives, or might be ill, or many other things. So I usually, when meeting someone in a context outside of work, say 'what do you do during the day?'. It surprises some people but they usually get why I ask in that way.

It's also part of my anti-introversion campaign, and I sometimes also ask people 'what's your favourite thing?' for the same reason. Always gets interesting answers.

"do you dye your eyebrows?" is probably nicer than asking if the curtains match the drapes ;)

Obviously "have you lost weight?" is out of bounds.

In my experience, it's "have you gained weight?" that is unspeakably rude.

In Chile, people will ask you your job, then press you for details, which is OK, just showing interest in the other person. Uppity-middle-class people will also quiz you on your surname, your school, your university, your family, etc., so they know whether or not to treat you as a social equal.

The only way to follow up "have you gained weight?" is "have you stopped cheating on your wife/husband?"

I was at a party in Boston with a bunch of French expats who went into long monologues about how much they hated when Americans asked, "What do you do?" Their general point was that when one was in social settings, one should be talking about social things, and work is not a social thing. They thought the question highlighted the work-obsessed nature of American (or Anglo-Saxon?) culture.

I thought it was a pretty good point. I consciously tried to stop asking it after that. And I heard similar lectures from people in San Francisco when I moved here, when other people would ask them what they did. So I've started to think of "What do you do?", at least when asked within the first thirty seconds of meeting someone, as being an American East Coast thing. (Conversely, I do think it's almost rude not to ask it there; that's what people are expecting to talk about when they first meet you.)

I've also heard it's mostly an East Coast thing. I've certainly grown up with the question and don't find it impertinent at all.

most people's jobs are dull and boring and difficult to explain and not really relevant

This perspective is such a mark of cultural difference. Here, what someone does for a living is generally considered one of the most interesting things about them. We are interested in work and what different jobs are like; 'obsessed' might describe that interest, but on the other hand, the US is by nature a work-oriented culture and work is deeply embedded the national value system. Some people claim they hear an implied judgement in the question, that if you don't say "I'm an attorney," or "a professor" or whatever you will be socially dismissed. I rarely see that happen. When the question is asked, I think that most often people are ready to hear any response and generally ready to be interested in it. The next question might be "what's that like?" or "how do you like it?" or "I drive by that place all the time and always wondered what they did," or "Do you know Julie Smith? She used to work there," or "Oh, what type of law do you practice?" or "Oh, I shop there all the time, I love the book selection," etc. It's a conversation opener and a way to find out a little bit about the other person's interests and background, a way to get to know them.

Most people I know do have interesting work and are proud of what they do, which could prejudice my attitude. That's not to say they all have white-collar jobs (they don't), but they are generally happy enough to describe what they do and how it fits into their life. If I lived where a lot of people had generic, boring jobs in big corporations, I might care less who was the regional assistant district associate or whatever. But I've never lived anywhere like that. Also, I don't think people are usually probing to find out how much someone else makes. You can tell that by their car, house, and shoes, anyway.

It's certainly true American culture places more emphasis on work than is healthy. But on the other hand, we are encouraged from early on to begin thinking about work decisions. We ask five-year-olds "what do you want to be when you grow up?" -- and we do mean, what career do you want. We are counseled in work choice, we choose colleges based on dreams and interests about our work. Work decisions - to change careers, change jobs, move for a job, get more training - are some of the most significant decisions of our adult lives and probably do more to determine our quality of life than any other decision other than choosing a partner or having kids. WE spend the vast bulk of our waking time at work. People in my generation will probably be working 'til we're 70. We draw a lot of satisfaction out of work that we're successful out. All in all, how crazy is it to ask where and how someone spends 75% of their waking life, and how they see it?

"When is the baby due?" is always a dangerous one.

"Where's the/do you have a boyfriend" Especially rude when:

asked on Thanksgiving by my cousin's leering cotquean friend (who claims she's a feminist but is still married to and is financially supported by her husband) my first year in NY.

asked at 3 am on a weekend night by a nasty gay man (he called a woman who was ostensibly his friend "fish" to her face)who I had made the mistake of allowing to share my table at the only place with shitty food (Clover) in pre-Katrina New Orleans.

"What church do you go to?" always gets under my skin. It's really no one's business whether I'm religious or not. I also feel like, as signal put it, they are trying to figure out how they should treat you based on your answer.

Miko has it, I think. On the west coast, it's pretty rare to hear unless it's a networking function, but on the east coast I hear "What do you do?" a lot, or as a college student it was "What do your parents do?" It's pretty common in Texas, too, at least among my young-professionals/grad-students crowd.

Among grad students, it's pretty impolite to ask, "When do you graduate?" or "How's your thesis going?" Probably because a) graduation is an intense source of stress, and b) thesis is an intense source of stress, which is not conducive to a casual social atmosphere.

I never would have guessed that "what do you do" would be a sensitive question. I guess I can see how it might be, if there were a wide disparity in the status/pay or your own job and theirs, but I wouldn't put it into the same category as "how much do you make/how old are you/etc". Since people spend so much of their lives at their jobs, I'd expect they'd be happy to talk at least a little about it sooner or later, if they were to rise above the level of 'stranger'.

Among grad students, it's pretty impolite to ask, "When do you graduate?" or "How's your thesis going?" Probably because a) graduation is an intense source of stress, and b) thesis is an intense source of stress, which is not conducive to a casual social atmosphere.

Or (c): after five or six years someone is coming to the slow, painful realization that they're never going to finish their thesis and they're about to wash out.

I also never would have guessed that "what do you do"? is a rude question. I once had a friend (who didn't grow up in the US) who would always ask people their salaries, though. It never went over well.

"How much do you pay in rent?" is also a touchy question where I live, though it's one I don't personally have a hang-up about.

"What do you do?" is too personal... and too closely associated with "How much do you make?"

The only person I have ever met that thus far that has been reluctant to answer the question of "what do you do?" is my father, and I'm not sure why. He often refuses to give me a job title, but if I press him enough he will give me a broad description of what he does in PR-tastic terms.

Sometimes I think "where do you work?" is a slightly more defused version of "what do you do," in that they can answer in broader terms ("I work at St. Sainty McSaint-Saint Hospital") and can specify what they do at said place if they feel like giving out such information ("I'm the engineering site manager.")

Common questions here are the what do you do, usually followed by where do you live (meaning neighborhood) and where did you go to school (since there's a 9 out of 10 chance anyone in Buffalo was raised in Buffalo and hey, they might have gone to high school with your cousin or something).

Rent price has been a popular subject for discussion as of late, since average rents have doubled in some areas over the last few years.


I can't even fathom asking someone how much they make, and asking what they do doesn't really tell you much. I mean, if they answer "I flip burgers" it does, I suppose, but I wouldn't know what someone made if they said "I'm a sous chef" or "I do sound editing for the local news" or whatever.

"What church do you go to?"

I am very happy about the fact that I'll never be asked this again.

I've also never realized that asking "What do you do?" could be considered rude. It must be an East Coast thing. Is it rude to ask what field someone is in?

I had heard that it was rude to ask what people do in England, but honestly...I wouldn't know how to start a conversation without it. It's my jumping off point. It can tell me about their interests, provide an opportunity for a "oh do you know this guy" connection or a "oh wow, I was just reading an interesting article relevant to your field of expertise" segue. It's my crutch.

One more reason why I am such a die hard East Coaster, I guess. (Atlantic Ocean rules, suckas!)

"When is the baby due?" is always a dangerous one.

Oh, yeah. I was asked that once years ago at a concert, by someone I just met. I was wearing my favourite (empire-waist) dress and feeling pretty sexay and svelte until then. I never wore the dress again.

When I was in university in Alberta, I hated being asked what I was taking, because once I answered 'Comp. Lit.' and then explained what that was, I would invariably get 'Really? What kind of job are you going to get with that?' accompanied by a look of disbelief and/or disdain. (The attitude in AB, one that is unfortunately gaining ground elsewhere, is that universities should be about career training.) I got in the habit of either being jokingly self-deprecating or telling them, "I'm going to be a crazy mountain lady with nine cats all named 'cat' and seven lizards named after ex-husbands and my children will hate me but my grandchildren will love me and I will ride around on horseback with a shotgun scaring unwary campers with my hair up in a hat like Katharine Hepburn in 'The African Queen' and when my kids send social welfare workers to put me away I will chase them off my property with my shotgun. That's what I'm going to do with my degree." That usually shut 'em up.

My uncle was once at a dinner party here, and everyone was talking about their 'ways of being in the world' (there is a ridiculously large Newagey contingent on these islands). He sat there confused for ages, until the penny dropped. "Oh!" he said, "You're talking about your jobs!" Dead silence. Apparently it was quite impolite in that circle to use the word 'job'.

I want to work at St. Sainty McSaint-Saint Hospital. :)

So, it's more than very impolite, it's socially wrong, to lie or be reticent in the least about disclosing your age.

Not really in the Japan I've been living in for the past decade. On the other hand I don't care if someone asks my age because they always act shocked.

The weight comment is definitely not considered rude here btw. People love commenting on a persons size here.

I don't know about questions, but I will tell you ladies this: never ever turn a guy down with 'I don't look at you that way' or 'I don't think of you like that.' You may as well erase his penis completely to equal the emasculating effect.

well then, I'm sorry for all the times I've had to pull that line out and whack the guy who just won't quit hitting on me over the head with it. ;P we know, we use it like its napalm, not to spare feelings.

dabitch: if it's warding off an obnoxious guy, go right ahead. I'm saying don't use it to let a guy down easy. It has the opposite effect.

Yup, true. Letting down easy is sooo impossible.

Nah. "You're not my type,' or 'It'd never work out,' are fine, but saying 'I don't look at you that way,' basically comes out as 'I don't see you as a man,' which is devastating.

"You've been like a brother to me."

I would rather my face be spit on, if I have had "notions" about this person.

I've had to resort to "It ain't gonna happen" recently, after "You're not my type" and "It'd never work out" failed completely. I have to admit it's getting close to "I don't look at you that way" time. If you lovely gentlemen can suggest something better, I'd really like to hear it. Seriously.

Well, elizard, rejection is rejection, no matter how it is framed. I imagine everyone has wanted someone without being wanted back. It sucks. You have a club that he or she won't be admitted to, no matter what he or she does.

So, yeah, "it ain't gonna happen" is as good as anything else. "I know this is hard for you to hear," probably would not make it much better.

"What do you do?" is the standard conversation starter here in DC. It's so common that it strikes me as odd when I'm in a social setting where folks aren't talking about thier jobs; I have to really watch myself, or I'll just slip into it.

I think the "What do you do?" is considered rude in some subcultures because it can be embarrasing to answer "Well, nothing" or "I'm a programmer in-between jobs" or "I'm an aspiring actress, but right now I'm a waitress". It's a lot less awkward when that info comes out more naturally.

But the odd thing is that here, those answers don't seem awkward. They're just factual.

And besides, if I was embarrassed to say 'I'm between jobs' or 'I'm a sculptor-slash-data-entry-clerk' or whatever, I wouldn't've become a member of those subcultures in the first place.

Maybe the rudeness comes from the conflict between the subcultural values and those of the larger society.

I think it might actually be the opposite of what muddgirl says, in that for so long the British upper classes didn't have to 'do' much of anything, and 'jobs' were for plebs. "What do you do?" is only properly answered by "whatever I feel like". It saves embarrassment to make the question rude rather than having to answer that you shoot grouse and hunt and write interesting pamphlets on wholly obscure topics and manage your broker, lawyer and accountant.

This is changing, though, as the world is changing and as chrismear says it's now a pretty standard question, here in London in my milieu at least.

The only person I have ever met that thus far that has been reluctant to answer the question of "what do you do?" is my father, and I'm not sure why.

CF - he works for the CIA.

I'm going to be a crazy mountain lady with nine cats all named 'cat' and seven lizards named after ex-husbands and my children will hate me but my grandchildren will love me and I will ride around on horseback with a shotgun scaring unwary campers with my hair up in a hat like Katharine Hepburn in 'The African Queen' and when my kids send social welfare workers to put me away I will chase them off my property with my shotgun.

That's what I want to be when I grow up.

I wouldn't've become a member of those subcultures in the first place

It's not always that easy just to say that you won't become a member of whatever subculture. Despite optimistic projections, life isn't always that easy. Nice use of the double contractions, though.

You're right about subcultures in general, but the kinds of subcultures I'm referring to (perennial students, artist-slash-whatevers, bohemians, Fussell's 'Class X,' etc.) are mostly the kind that people mostly join by choice (unless you want to say that people set out to be Brad Pitt and wind up being an actor-slash-waiter. But they're still setting out to be an actor, right?)

That said, I still think that a lot of this awkwardness comes from different sets of cultural values.

I'm basing my crappy theory off the few years I spent in an economically-depressed area of California, and another few years in the bay area. Maybe my use of "subculture" was confusing? I guess I meant "culture present in a certain geographical region." So these aren't like, friendly party deals. These are PTA meetings, children's birthday parties, your spouse's corporate event, etc.

Whatever, my theory sucked. Suffice to say, asking about someone's job generally comes at the 30 minute point of a conversation, not the 3 minute point, where I'm from.

Ya know, "How much rent do you pay?" is a common question on the New Yorkers LJ community, and it's one that gets answered fairly frequently and it's never considered rude. I guess it's because most people over there just want to keep abreast of what the going rates are for certain neighborhoods and whether or not they got a good deal.

Interestingly enough, we talk about rent/mortgage payments here in Texas, but all such conversations are conducted in hushed tones and preceded by, "If you don't mind my asking." Weird, huh?

I could live without ever hearing "So, when are you getting married?" again. In general, I try to keep myself from asking questions that I wouldn't want to answer.

What weirds me out about the "West Coast delay" in asking about someone's job is that it seems to attach work to shame, somehow. As if the reason people aren't asking is that they are terrified of being identified with their job, as if working for a living is a bad thing, or as if only some answers are acceptable. Out here, it's possible someone is judging you when they hear what your career is, but that's more their bad manners than your need to feel embarrassed about your work, or defined by it.

What weirds me out about the "West Coast delay" in asking about someone's job is that it seems to attach work to shame, somehow.

Not really, I don't think. I think it's more that people assume that everyone around here does all sorts of cool stuff outside work. Which does kind of go with "not being identified with your job," but I don't think that's from terror at all. Just a sense that one's job is not automatically the most interesting thing about them.

It's something I noticed a lot in Italy too. People just don't talk about work outside of work. It's assumed that you have interesting things to say about politics, or food, or art, or music, or whatever, and don't really need to keep your mind on work when you're not at work.

It's the whole "work to live" versus "live to work" sort of thing -- it's assumed your real life is outside work, which may or not be the case, but is probably accurate just as often as the assumption that the reverse is true.

Plus, it's not like talking about work is forbidden. And I really think that starting a conversation with a new acquaintance about something other than work gives me a much better sense of who the person is, rather than just what they do.

Just look at this website, actually. I don't know what most people here do for a living, but I feel like I know them much better than I know my co-workers.

He often refuses to give me a job title, but if I press him enough he will give me a broad description of what he does in PR-tastic terms.
Ask him if he has a license to kill and see what he says. I'm pretty sure he's an international secret agent.