OH GOD, I NEED A MORE INSIDE! WHOOPS!

OKAY!

TEA TOWELS ARE *JUST TOWELS*. IT'S A PIECE OF FUCKING CLOTH. IN. A. KITCHEN.

IF I SPILL SOMETHING, I WILL USE WHATEVER PIECE OF CLOTH IS HANDY. IF WE DON'T HAVE KITCHEN ROLL AROUND, I WILL USE YOUR PRECIOUS TEA TOWEL IN AN EMERCENCY SPILLAGE CRISIS.

AND I WON'T APOLOGISE.

*IT'S JUST A FUCKING TOWEL!!!*

I DEMAND YOU APOLOGIZE! APOLOGIZE NOW FOR IMPROPER TEA TOWEL USAGE, OR MEET THE BUSINESS END OF THIS SPATULA!

I AM BEING PRESSURISED AND GUILT-TRIPPED BY MY COUSIN BECAUSE MY AUNT LEFT ME A PIECE OF JEWELRY IN HER WILL AND HE SAID HIS DAUGHTER IS 'VERY ATTACHED' TO IT AND HE WANTS HER TO HAVE IT INSTEAD. FAMILY HEIRLOOM, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH ...

JUST BECAUSE MY AUNT MADE HER WILL 12 YEARS AGO DOES NOT MEAN IT IS NOT VALID TODAY!! AND, COUSIN, YOU WERE THERE IN THE ROOM TWO YEARS AGO WHEN MY AUNT SAID TO ME THAT IT WAS TO BE MINE. YOU ARE THE EXECUTOR, YOU HAVE TO CARRY OUT HER WISHES! IF YOUR DAUGHTER RESENTS ME THAT IS NOT MY FAULT. IF MY AUNT HAD WANTED HER TO HAVE IT, SHE WOULD HAVE LEFT IT TO HER, NOT ME.

This has made me realise what a very bad idea it is to have a family member as executor. If a lawyer was administering the estate he'd have said to cousin's daughter "it's not yours, hand it over" instead of trying to persuade me to give it up.

*PULLS OUT A SILVER SOUP LADEL*

EN GARDE!

I SHALL NEVER APOLOGISE. NEVAR! I DON'T CARE IF THAT PIECE OF FABRIC WAS QUEEN VICTORIA'S, IF IT'S HANGING ON THE FRONT OF THE STOVE AND I SPILL SOMETHING, IT'S GETTING USED.

It's really disgusting when people take a tea towel used to dry clean dishes and use it for dirty stuff without washing it.

It's really disgusting when people take a tea towel used to dry clean dishes and use it for dirty stuff without washing it.

I put in the laundry bin. That's not the issue.

The issue is that I'm NOT ALLOWED to use a tea towel to clean up spills... which is fucking stupid. Towels are for cleaning, not decoration.

A TEA TOWEL IS FOR DRYING DISHES A PAPER TOWEL IS FOR WIPING UP SPILLS. ALSO I SPAT IN YOUR MILK.

I use bar towels to wipe up spills. *pfffft*

[Kitchen roll is hardly a sustainable option - we don't keep it around] I KNOW! I SHOULD'VE DUG AROUND UNDER THE SINK FOR AN OLD RAG! WE'VE BEEN OVER THIS SHIT BEFORE! SPILT BEER WAS RUNNING TOWARDS THE ADVENT CALENDAR THINGY! I PANICKED!

DEAR HOUSEMATE,

WHY DOES THE HOUSE HAVE TO BE LIT UP LIKE A CHRISTMAS TREE AS YOU WANDER FROM ROOM TO ROOM TURNING ON LIGHTS? HAS NOBODY EVER TOLD YOU TO TURN OFF LIGHTS AFTER YOU LEAVE THE ROOM? OR TO PULL DOWN THE SHADES WHEN YOU TURN THE LIGHTS ON?

STINKY STUFF DOES NOT DISAPPEAR WHEN YOU PUT IT IN THE OPEN TRASH CAN IN THE KITCHEN, NO MATTER HOW MUCH YOU THINK IT SHOULD.

I AM NEVER GOING TO HOLD A CONVERSATION BEFORE MY FIRST CUPPA TEA, SO PLEASE STOP TALKING AT ME IN THE MORNINGS.

WASH YOUR DAMN DISHES, ESPECIALLY WHEN THEY'RE MY POTS THAT YOU'VE BURNT CRUD ONTO.

PLASTIC GOES IN THE RECYCLING BIN, NOT THE TRASH. WE CAN RECYCLE ALL NUMBERS, IT'S NOT THAT DIFFICULT.

If only I could get her to use tea towels or paper towels or anything at all to clean up after herself.

I know it's not funny to you, but I'm LMAO @ mdonley. :D

YOU GUYS HAVE BAD HOUSEMATES! BAD!

MR. TAZ WIPES HIS MOUTH ON OUR TEA TOWELS; I GUESS I'M GONNA HAFTA KILL HIM.

actually I just buy lots of them, and wash them every couple of days anyway. ssssh!

DEAR HOUSEMATE: I AM SORRY, FOR EVERYTHING.

I FORGOT TO SAY, WE HAD SNAILMAIL SPAM IN OUR PHYSICAL MAILBOX TODAY - FROM A MEDIUM! TOO BAD WE THREW IT AWAY, BECAUSE IT WAS FUNNY AND ACTUALLY KIND OF ENGAGING. IT OFFERED ALL KINDS OF SERVICES, AND ENDED WITH "WILL DISPLACE TO YOUR HOME" WHICH MIGHT MEAN ANY NUMBER OF THINGS, BUT I LIKE TO THINK OF IT AS "SHIMMERING IN".

GODDAMMIT!! MY SISTER'S BOSS JUST CALLED ME TO SAY [READ POST FROM EARLIER THIS YEAR, IT'S EXACTLY THE SAME SHIT AS LAST TIME]. THE ONLY DIFFERENCE IS THAT THIS TIME I CAN'T HELP HER, SHE NEEDS TO BE IN HOSPITAL.

HOUSEMATE (WHO IS REALLY MY FIANCE BUT PFHA!)

WHEN YOU COOK, PLEASE CLEAN UP YOUR FREAKING MESS AFTER YOU'RE DONE. THE KITCHEN SMELLS BECAUSE YOU LEFT PILES OF FLOUR AND CHICKEN BITS ALL OVER, AN OILY PAN ON THE STOVE, AND THE RICE-COOKER PLUGGED IN ALL NIGHT.

TO MY NEIGHBORS UPSTAIRS: COULD YOU NOT HAVE TAKEN THE HINT FROM THE COMPLETED FORM I LEFT AT YOUR DOOR THAT THERE IS A CERTAIN PROTOCOL IN THIS BUILDING? NO, OF COURSE THE MANAGEMENT COMPANY WOULDN'T HAVE TOLD YOU THIS, BUT DID YOU BOTHER TO LOOK AT THE BYLAWS WHICH SAY NO WORK IS TO BE DONE ON SATURDAY!!!!???

ONE OF THE NEIGHBORS WHO IS TRYING TO GET RID OF THE MANAGEMENT IS A FRIEND OF THIS GUY'S DAUGHTER AND WAS NOT INVITED TO HIS HOLIDAY PARTY EITHER... HMMM.

I WOULD MUCH RATHER MY CONDO FEES GO TOWARD A FULLTIME HANDYMAN OR ANOTHER PORTER THAN HAVE TO WALK A GANTLET OF UNCTUOUS HOSTILITY EVERY TIME I LEAVE THE BUILDING.

I'VE HAD THE NEW APPLIANCES FOR OVER A MONTH AND STILL CAN'T USE THEM..THE WORK WILL START UP AGAIN BUT I DON'T KNOW WHEN. AND FOR THE TIME BEING NO GARBAGE DISPOSAL.

I LIKE MY AUNT AND UNCLE BUT I WANT TO GOT TO VIRGINIA, NOT LA.

LET THE STATE HANDLE YOUR SISTER, EJ.

DEAR HOUSEMATE A.K.A. BELOVED IF INFURIATING TEENAGE SON: TOWELS DO NOT GET DIRTY AFTER ONE USAGE. NO, REALLY, REALLY THEY DO NOT. THEY SHOULD BE HUNG UP TO DRY AND THEN USED AGAIN. MAYBE EVEN AGAIN! IMAGINE THAT! ALSO, USING THREE TOWELS AFTER A SHOWER IS RIDICULOUS. ALSO, IT'S EVEN MORE RIDICULOUS WHEN ALL THREE TOWELS ARE CRUMPLED IN A HEAP ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOOR. ALSO, MUCH AS I LOVE YOU, I BROUGHT YOU INTO THIS WORLD AND I CAN TAKE YOU OUT OF IT AND EVERY TIME I SCHLEP GIANT BASKETS OF TOWELS WHICH WOULD BE CONSIDERED CLEAN BY ANY SANE PERSON IF ONLY THEY HAD BEEN HUNG UP INSTEAD OF TOSSED ONTO THE FLOOR DOWN TO THE LAUNDROMAT BY MYSELF I BECOME WELL NIGH HOMICIDAL WITH FURY. IF IN THE BOTTOM OF YOUR LAUNDRY BASKET I THEN DISCOVER CLOTHES FROM LAST WEEK THAT ARE ACTUALLY STILL FOLDED, WELL, WATCH OUT. LOVE, MOM.

mygothlaundry wins.

NOTICE TO ALL BUGS WHO LIVE IN MY APARTMENT: I AM THE ONLY ONE WHO PAYS RENT IN THIS APARTMENT. YOU DO NOT. THEREFORE, I DEMAND YOU VACATE THE PREMISES. IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO FOLLOW THIS ORDER, I WILL FORCIBLY REMOVE YOU ONE BY ONE. HOPE YOU KNOW HOW TO SWIM.

DEAR HOUSEMATE: THANK YOU FOR DRIVING HALF AN HOUR TO GET ME FROM WORK, EVEN THOUGH YOU WERE ALREADY HOME AND SETTLED, JUST TO TAKE ME TO THE DOCTOR. AND THEN GETTING MY PILLS FOR ME FROM THE PHARMACY WHEN I WAS TOO SICK TO GO IN, AND MAKING ME DINNER.
SORRY FOR NOT DOING THE DISHES. I'LL MAKE IT UP TO YOU OVER THE WEEKEND WITH A NICE DINNER!

DEAR OTHER HOUSEMATE: ALTHOUGH I DO APPRICIATE YOU SLEEPING AT MY FEET WHILE I WAS SICK, I DID NOT ENJOY THE SPIDER I FOUND IN THE SHOWER. WE ASK ONE THING OF YOU: KILL BUGS. I WILL BE LESS HAPPY TO CLEAN YOUR BOX OF BODILY WASTE IN THE FUTURE IF YOU CANNOT UPHOLD YOUR END OF THE BARGIN.

OH, HEY THERE SHORTY! LISTEN...YOU CAN'T WALK. I MEAN, YOU CAN HOLD ONTO THE COFFEE TABLE AND SHUFFLE AROUND IT--BUT WHEN YOU LET GO, YOU'RE GOING TO FALL ON YOUR ASS. THAT'S COOL AND ALL, BUT I KINDA NEED A BREAK FROM THE CONSTANT PICKING YOU UP AND COMFORTING YOU AFTERWARD. SO...EITHER GET BETTER AT IT OR JUST SIT AND PLAY WITH SOME OF THE 80 KADILLION TOYS SCATTERED ALL OVER THE FLOOR JUST FOR YOU.

OH..AND COULD YOU STOP SNEAKING UP ON ME AND BITING MY TOES? IT HURTS, FOR ONE THING, BUT ALSO IT'S REALLY SHOCKING AND IT'S HUMAN INSTINCT TO KICK MYSTERIOUS BITEY THINGS REALLY, REALLY HARD, WITHOUT PAUSING TO FIGURE OUT WHAT IT IS. SINCE BABY-KICKING IS GENERALLY FROWNED UPON AROUND HERE, LET'S TRY TO AVOID IT. KAY? COOL. HERE'S A CRACKER. NOM NOM NOM.

DEAR HOUSEMATES: YOU REALLY NEED TO LEARN TO WASH DISHES. I KNOW YOU DON'T HAVE OPPOSABLE THUMBS AND THE SINK IS ABOUT 3 FEET ABOVE YOUR HEAD, BUT WE CAN WORK AROUND THAT. I'LL EVEN BUY YOU TEENY RUBBER GLOVES SO YOU DON'T GET YOUR PRECIOUS PAWS WET (THOUGH I SAW YOU WALKING THROUGH A PUDDLE YESTERDAY, IZ, SO DON'T TELL ME YOU'RE AFRAID OF WATER). I FEED YOU AND CUDDLE YOU AND PUT UP WITH YOUR KNEADING OF MY SCALP AT 3 IN THE MORNING WITH YOUR TEENY RAZOR-LIKE CLAWS, SO THE LEAST YOU CAN DO IS MAKE MY LIFE THAT BIT EASIER. K? PLUS I KNOW YOU HAVE YOUR FRIENDS OVER FOR PARTIES WHEN I'M AT WORK, DON'T TELL ME YOU DON'T--HOW THE HELL DOES THIS PLACE GET INTO SUCH A STATE OTHERWISE?

CHUCK, I'M WITH YOU ON THE TEA TOWEL THING. IT'S BEER, NOT RED WINE, AND THEY CAN BE WASHED. MGL, I THINK UNDERUSE OF BATH TOWELS, ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TO A LAUNDROMAT, IS A HANGING OFFENSE IN SOME CIVILIZED COUNTRIES.

Hee! I'm LOL'ing at you all except essexjan.

Please, EJ, stick to your guns and let your sister figure out what to do with her problems. You're not responsible for her - she's an adult. Big hugs.

YOU'RE THE GODAMMN BUILDING MANAGER! HOW IS IT POSSIBLE THAT YOU DON'T KNOW THAT OUR HEAT HAS BEEN TURNED OFF AND THAT THERE'S BEEN NO LIGHTS IN THE HALLWAYS FOR THREE NIGHTS?! WHERE'S THE COMMUNICATION BETWEEN YOU AND MAINTAINENCE?!?

WHAT THE HELL AM I PAYING YOUR COMPANY FOR? THE WATER DAMAGE FROM THAT STORM HAS LEFT EVERYTHING IN THE HALLWAY WET, PEELING, AND REEKING. THE COMPANY YOU HIRED (OR ACTUALLY NOT YOU, AND YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW WHO HIRED THEM!) TO FIX THE DAMAGE HAS LEFT ALL KINDS OF EQUIPMENT AND CORDS LAYING AROUND IN THE DARK HALLWAY (REMEMBER THE NO LIGHTS IN THE HALLWAY THING? YEAH. IT'S PITCH-BLACK AT NIGHT AND THERE'S SHIT ALL OVER THE PLACE!) AND A FUCKING ELECTRICAL GENERATOR OURSIDE MY BEDROOM WINDOW. I DON'T WANT THOSE EIGHT PIECES OF MACHINERY RUNNING ALL NIGHT! IT'S LOUD, THEY'RE UNSUPERVISED, AND IT WAS ME WHO TURNED THEM OFF LAST NIGHT!

THE HEAT IS OFF! THE HEAT IS FUCKING OFF! HOW COULD YOU TURN OFF THE HEAT?

GIVE ME SOME LIGHTS AND GIVE ME SOME HEAT AND GET SOMEONE TO FIX UP THE PLACE WITHOUT LEAVING EQUIPMENT FOR THE TENANTS TO TRIP OVER AND DO IT NOW.

IF IT'S NOT DONE TODAY, I'M CALLING LEGAL SERVICES, RENTERS' RIGHTS, THE COMMUNITY ALLIANCE OF TENANTS, THE FAIR HOUSING COUNCIL, AND ALL THE LOCAL PAPERS I CAN THINK OF. (AND DID YOU SEE THAT ARTICLE IN THE MERCURY THIS WEEK? THE ONE ABOUT THE BUILDING YOU MANAGE WHERE YOU ONLY TURN THE HEAT ON TWICE A DAY? THE ONE THAT I'M SURE HAS CAUSED A LOT OF PROBLEMS? YEAH, THAT'S GOING TO LOOK LIKE A WALK IN THE PARK COMPARED TO THE HELL I'M GOING TO RAISE IF YOU DON'T COMPENSATE THE TENANTS IN MY BUILDING FOR THE DANGEROUS SHIT YOU'VE BEEN PULLING.)

YOU BASTARDS.

(I know the building manager is not my housemate, but let me just push the envelope because I really needed to shout about this. Thanks.)

DEAR HOUSEMATE/BOYFRIEND/SOON-TO-BE-EX-BOYFRIEND,

WHEN YOU COOK, YOU MUST WASH THE DISHES YOU USED INSTEAD OF LEAVING THEM ALL OVER THE KITCHEN FOR ME TO CLEAR UP LATER. I AM NOT YOUR MAID.

THE FUTON IS NOT YOUR BED. STOP SLEEPING ON IT AND GET YOUR ASS INTO THE BEDROOM, WHICH IS THE PLACE WHERE YOU ARE MEANT TO SLEEP.

SERIOUSLY, CAN YOU NOT WASH YOUR DISHES EVER? IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK?

HOW CAN YOU POSSIBLY THINK OF LEAVING FOR UTAH THE DAY AFTER WE MOVE? AND DO YOU EXPECT THAT I SHOULD DO ALL THE PACKING AND SORTING AND BOX-BUYING AND LABELING AND CARRYING AND TAKING TO THE APARTMENT MYSELF? YOU'RE NUTS. IT'S NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN.

IF YOU'RE NOT GOING TO BE AROUND FOR THIS MOVE, HIRE ME A FUCKING HELPER, A REAL HELPER AND NOT JUST A MOVER FOR THE DAY OF THE GODDAMN MOVE. SERIOUSLY, I AM GOING TO KILL YOU IN YOUR SLEEP IF YOU DON'T.

ALSO, DON'T COME BACK TO THE BED. YOU SNORE TOO LOUDLY.

I LOVE YOU