Damn y'all! was it that much of a bummer?!

No, not a bummer. But maybe no one knew how to respond. Maybe it makes us reflect?

For me, I can identify with feeling very far away from my families' lives. My sister and I are extremely different than almost 90% of my extended family. With our parents, there is always conflict. People outside of the family seemed shocked at the dysfunction of my family because the communication is often lacking. At the same time, other people are completely envious of how close my family is. We're actually both dysfunctional and close.

Holidays I find tricky as well. I am envious of those who seem to relish being home and have mature conversations with their parents. That is just not my experience. There is great love but complicated tensions, but I guess I take what I can get. It's great that you and your sister have a good relationship!

You're right - I can be impatient, sorry. :)

So are you & your sister similar to each other or are you different from both your family and each other? I guess if you're both different from the group, you can kinda hang together during the family gigs, huh?

My sister and I are very different from each other, but extremely close. We're significantly different from most of the extended family, and yes because of our independent nature (read not married in our 30s) are considered black sheep. We normally do try to hang together, but she has lived on the other side of the world for the last 4 years. I live in the same city as the rest of the folk.

I worry about my parents as they are physically okay, but emotionally needy. At times, I have to treat them like 6 year olds, and actually, stupidly, sadly it works. They calm down and stop freaking out over little things. They are off to see my sister in Hong Kong for a month on Thursday. I am grateful that they can still enjoy travel.

Holidays this year are going to, in a word, suck.

My mom died this past summer. My dad is getting along as best he can - thankfully, two of my siblings still live in town, a third is moving back, and I come home on breaks from school, but he's clearly very lonely. The holiday's were always very much a Mom thing - she did nearly all the Christmas shopping, either did the decorating herself (or directed us kids to do it), planned dinner for both Thanksgiving and Christmas...thanksgiving will be particularly hard, because that was the one holiday we really celebrated with her side of the family (her mother and stepfather are both still alive, and her half-brother and his wife and sons came over as well). We're trying to maintain a certain amount of continuity with all of this, but the lack of Mom is going to be really apparent and really difficult.

All of our holidays that we spend with family are spent with mr. gaspode's fam, seeing as my mother lives in New Zealand. Thanksgiving we always spend with our friends T&M who are both physicians as well, and like mr. g, are usually on call or have to work on Thanksgiving, so we have a day where we can chill out and not have to worry about anyone else.

This year, my mum will be in town for Christmas, so we will make the trek to Maryland to have an in-lawriffic Christmas. It's going to be odd. mr. gaspode's family *really* gets into the holidays, and they are incredibly wholesome, functional and traditional. It's gonna freak mum out, I know it.

{{{chewie & dismas}}}

We haven't made a plan, and we might have a little dissonance once we get down to it.

In the U.S., we lived about four or five hours away from my family, and sometimes we would go for Christmas, but sometimes we didn't. We often went for New Year's instead because I didn't like to be in the city where random idiots were shooting off guns in the air at midnight. But mainly, I really liked having Christmas just us together sometimes. Since we've been in Greece, our schedule has been unvarying, though I'm not that fond of it: Christmas Eve with my sister-in-law's family, and the next day all together with my husband's parents. Which means we have neither Christmas eve or Christmas day for the intimate Christmas celebration I would really prefer. But Greece is very big on family, and choosing to spend one of those days together alone would just apparently be too eccentric and basically insulting, I guess.

So... this year, of course, we're in Athens, but they're going to expect us to go there, and I'm really going to try not to. At least when we were living there, I could go home and relax/recover afterwards in my own little nest. (My husband's family is perfectly lovely, but I'm the sort of person who really, really needs my alone time.) Several days of camping on my sister-in-law's couch, going to and fro, and no privacy at all is my idea of a kind of Christmas hell, albeit a rather benign one as Christmas hells go.

(((dismas))).

I would like to ignore the passing of Christmas this year like I wanted to ignore the passing of last year's Christmas.

Like last year I will suck it up because I need to, for me, and for others.

The only family I have left really is my brother and he lives in another country. When we do meet though it's like we are a comedy team and we tend to shut everyone else out and just go bananas together. I think he's a terrific person and love chatting with him.

(He's just got on irc now and has even made a brief #bunnies appearance. Some people think it's weird to hang out with your siblings online in the same places but I guess it depends on your relationship.)

My husband's family are Japanese so we don't have the traditional Western celebrations like Easter and Christmas - although we usually pop around to my mother in laws over the New Year Holiday to eat special food and watch TV reports on the national mochi death toll.

Last Christmas I spent in Ohio, and it was magical, like Christmases in the movies, my first proper family Christmas.

This year I'll be home. I was talking to a friend the other day about plans. She'll probably be in London too so we were thinking of having Christmas lunch at my place for the two of us and a couple of other friends, and the following day (Boxing Day in the UK) going to her house.

There's usually an AA dance on Christmas Eve, which is a lot of fun.

If that happens, I'll cook a traditional British Christmas dinner with turkey and all the trimmings. And if the weather's good after lunch we can have a walk in the forest or up the hill to the pond and the church.

Christmas Day was George's birthday, and it's coming up to that time of year again (it'll be two years this coming Wednesday since he died) so Christmas will always be a happy/sad time for me.

I just realised I didn't mention my sister once in all that. I'm going up north to see her next weekend for our 'Christmas' visit, exchange gifts, etc. I said to her that this year I DO NOT WANT fifteen bits of crap from the pound shop, I'd prefer just one nice thing. I'm not holding my breath. She wants a heavy-duty flashlight, so I said she can choose it herself next week.

My sister has a weekend job in a nursing home (she's a cook) and in the past she's often chosen to work on Christmas Day (it's usually just cooking lunch and then preparing a cold buffet for supper) for the extra money. She'll probably do that this year. It won't be a happy time for her - last Christmas her husband walked out on Christmas Eve.

I'm glad your visit went well, chewie.

*hugs dismas*

It looks like I'll be on my own Thanksgiving--I haven't been asked anywhere. My cousins used to host it but haven't since one's son married into a huge family. Last year was right after my father's surgery and I had to beg my aunt to include me at her relatives.

I'm a Jew and don't celebrate Christmas...New Year's is the big problem for me and I've said in another thread why. I'm thinking of taking the 8 p.m British Airways London flight so that it won't be New Year's in either place. If I do come, I want to see the Henry Moore exhibit.

What I mean is that it won't be midnight.

(((dismas))) Maybe this first one will be a giant healing step for you & your family. Mrs chewie has always said that the pain of loss gradually gets replaced by warm & peaceful feelings. I didn't believe her when my mom died, but she was right - when I think of her now, it's almost always the funny happy stuff.

I've had the best holidays partying with friends! Cracking beers at noon, going to movies, sneaking bites from the turkey early & walking it all off in the afternoon.

Since there are lots of folks out there who skip the family thing, we've somehow always found each other. One of the most fun NYE's I ever had was on IRC with a bunch of total strangers!

Thanks everybody.

The nice thing, I guess, is that all of my siblings get along, for the most part (there aren't any major arguments, just the occasional snarky comment), so we can all support each other (and dad) through the holidays.

(((dismas)))

This year we rented the clubhouse in our development. It was touch and go with my father-in-law this year, so I figured maybe all sides of the family could get together for once, plus it's wheelchair accessible. Just this week it's become more important than ever: my husband has been diagnosed with a "mass" on his right kidney. We have a second opinion scheduled in Philadelphia on the 19th, the week of Thanksgiving, and I suddenly feel more of a need now to gather my family around me. We will have both of our brothers there, plus their families and in-laws, and best of all my mom moved back recently from Seattle, and my father-in-law has improved dramatically. In many ways, I can't wait for this year to be over. It hasn't been great.

Redvixen: Good luck. I understand the feeling of wanting the year to be over; for me, by birthday (a month and a half after Mom died) was the same way.

Oh, dismass. I'm sure this will be a challenging holiday season for all of you. I hope you find some peace together.

Holidays can be a terrible time for those who are left.

Do you and your Dad talk about it at all? It may help if you can get him to tell you his expectations and concerns about the holidays.

Speaking as the one who is now alone, I find it most difficult when people expect that I just carry on and pretend it's all OK. It's not, nor will it ever be. While I know it's a difficult subject for them, it seems unthinking when my feelings are ignored.

Your whole family may be trying to "maintain continuity" and put on a good show, but do take time to reflect on what your feelings are, and seek to validate them (and those of your Dad and siblings too.)
Hugs

dismas - maybe this year is a year for some new traditions too?