MetaChat - MeCha friends, I need some advice and guidance. It's kind of a long story...

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27 October 2007

MeCha friends, I need some advice and guidance. It's kind of a long story... I've been keeping a blog for about three years. Chronicling funny things that have happened to me, my move to Korea and the changes it brought, daily frustrations, my occasional attempts at writing something of substance, pictures, links, personal stories. →[More:]

I am not stupid — I know nothing you put online is ever truly anonymous, and I was not even aiming for anonymity as my url has my name in it. I was just looking for a way to encourage myself to write every day.

The ease of blogging meant I was writing daily, usually without the benefit of an internal (or external) editor. Now someone in my family has found my site and has been extremely offended and hurt by some of the things I have written.

The problem is that my relationship with this person is rocky anyway, and much of what I wrote dealt with my frustrations in that area. I would post in the heat of the moment as a way to process my thoughts and get them out (sort of like digital therapy, I guess). In fact, much of the blog had a very personal diary feel, which was not my intent when I first started blogging.

Anyway, this person is now using much of what I've written against me (even things that were written 3 years ago), putting a lot of strain on what was a very tenuous relationship to begin with.

I have been very private with this person in what aspects of my life I would invite them into, and they are now involving themselves in everything, even going so far as to post vindictive comments on some of the posts I had written.

When all this first happened (a week ago) I went back and read through most of my past 3 years worth of writings and was pretty disappointed with how vapid and artificial I came off. And dishonest, trying to make myself sound like someone I am not. Not to mention the fact that the writing itself has not been very good.

Worst of all, however, is that the particular post this person took the most issue with was a personal essay about my wistfulness for my childhood that I didn't feel came off as negative at all. In fact, I was quite proud of that essay (it was way more thought out than a typical blog post and I spent a lot of time writing it) and it had received a lot of positive comments.

I took my blog offline when this person started posting comments and threatened to send the link to other people we know. I feel as though my privacy has been violated but I can also see this person's perspective of being basically vilified in my writings. Still, I am not so upset at having offended them as I am upset that my anger and frustration are now being used against me.

I'm now at a loss of how to proceed. I am taking a break from blogging for a few months while I think things through.

I really don't want to quit blogging but I now feel like I'm being secretly watched and judged by everything I post, even non-personal stuff. This episode has shown me that my blog lost it's original focus a long time ago, and I'm afraid if I start blogging again it will be easy to fall into that routine of not thinking before posting.

I have had issues in the past regarding my "stage fright" when it comes to writing and the feeling that nothing I write will be worthwhile, and this person also has a history, going back to my childhood, of reacting negatively to things I have written and overstepping privacy boundaries with me.

Now I feel like I want to give up writing forever.

I don't want to start a private journal because part of the goal for me is to seek and grow from constructive feedback to my writing. I have thought about starting at a new domain but I don't want to give up my current domain since I've been there three years and I also don't want to "go into hiding" and give this person more reason to accuse me of secrecy.

I know it's just a blog but I am really upset and feel very violated over this. I should never have written such personal stuff to begin with but as a writer I feel it's my responsibility to myself to be as honest as possible in my work. (That's part of what is so frustrating to me — in many of the older entries I am clearly putting on airs and that's not the kind of person I want to be. I was also not doing my best technical work as a writer.)

That was long. I feel like I should pay by the hour for this. Any advice, bunnies?

post by: Brittanie at: 01:29 | 10 comments

Wow. So you kind of have a cyberstalker in your own family?

I guess if I were you, I'd make a friends-only private diary type blog, and another, more thematic blog for more serious writing. That way you have your space for writing your personal thoughts and feelings, and someplace else to work more at the craft of writing, that won't turn into a diary because you already have one. This will be more challenging overall... and your mean family member should be IP blocked if they harrass you on the public blog.

PS: put us on your friends list for your personal blog. :)

posted by taz 27 October | 01:56

I took mine friends-only years ago; same with my family photos. It's better that way.

posted by chuckdarwin 27 October | 03:57

You said these things, and you should be prepared to live with them.
Put your blog back online and post what you've said here. Tell your friend that she's welcome to email the link round your other friends.

You've been caught gossiping behind someones back and you should be prepared to say to the world, yes I said those things, they were said in the heat of the moment and if I come off like a bitch it's because I was a bitch. Say that you tried to keep it semi-anonymous, and your intention wasn't to hurt but to write your life.

Blogging isn't so different from any conversation and sometimes you've just got to put your hands up and admit you're not perfect.

Although - I would disable comments.

posted by seanyboy 27 October | 05:35

Quite a few years ago I ended up in a similar situation when I wrote about my roommate's death. She and I had our ups and downs, and I eventually moved out because of her drug problems.

Her friends and cohorts in druggiedom found my blog and bitched me out like no other. I considered disabling comments, I considered posting something to the effect of, "I didn't mean to hurt anyone," but in the end I stuck by what I had said and folks got tired of harrassing me.

I suppose your situation is different in that the people who would be e-mailed the link are ones with whom you are still in contact. In your situation, I would follow seanyboy's advice. Don't try to invalidate what you wrote before, but say that this is your personal webspace where you were writing what you felt at the time.

It's weird with blogs; I've seen myself mentioned negatively on a few friends' blogs, but these were spaces they didn't tell me about or invite me into. So I left it alone. I think that while blogs are technically public, there is something invasive about reading a friend or relative's blog when they haven't told you about it or advertised it.

Having said that, it might make sense to create something friends-only where you can vent more securely.

posted by brina 27 October | 12:41

I have this type of thing come up in my family from time to time. Usually it's something that they can't comment on and so I get a shitty email from someone about something I said and then it ends. My basic feeling and policy has been that I won't take anything down, but I try to sort of pre-screen knowing that people in my family will read what I have to say.

If you feel that you've been getting something processed or learning about yourself blogging then by all means keep doing it. You may need to make some decisions about this person right now which may be sooner than you would have otherwise but it sounds like things have been coming to a head for a bit. Feel free to faltly tell them that they can read what you write comment within you comment guidelines but it's not cool to intimidate you or generally be jerky. And yeah if it were me I'd be like "yeah go ahead and tell mom" because in my family we're not so keen on tattletales either but you may have to figure out what you want to do in that regard.

Think about going to LJ and being friends only and if you're already on LJ make some of your past post friends only. You'll still get eyeballs and feedback but it will be more easy for you to be a gatekeeper as to who is all up in your business. Above all, keep writing. If you've found it's something valuable to you, stay with it.

posted by jessamyn 27 October | 19:42

If you don't like LJ for whatever reason, and lord knows there are some reasons, Vox also handles friends-only and private posts pretty well. There are, of course, plenty of reasons to dislike Vox, too.

posted by box 27 October | 20:10

Aw, the Centennial Project! Sad now.

I know LJ is kind of downmarket, especially compared to the really nice customized site you have elsewhere, but you can not only friendlock the journal, you can keep the journal open for public viewing and friendlock individual sensitive entries. (I don't know if Vox has the same functionality.) You might do well following taz and keeping the existing site as your showroom for work you're happy with, while using an unobtrusive, partially-locked LJ as your day-to-day journal / writer's notebook. If the familial stalker ever did find out about the private site, they'd still be trespassing, and you'd still have the moral upper hand.

Anyhow, hope you do keep up the writing.

posted by ormondsacker 28 October | 03:56

ormondsacker. Hmm, Ormond, that is not a common name. Florida or Australia, or surname, I wonder.

posted by LoriFLA 29 October | 08:26

Just the nom de blog - backhanded reference to the patron saint of sidekicks, support-o-guys, and people who make "tut-tut" noises.

posted by ormondsacker 29 October | 10:42

I've found that if I need to post something very private, I post it to a private Blogspot journal. My other journal has a lot of different and random stuff on it, but I make very sure to keep all the angsty and ultra-personal stuff off the public site.

It might be a little time consuming, but maybe you can take all the offensive or deeply personal entries and put them on a private site. I like Blogger for this. When I migrated from Xanga, I liked the fact that I could manually choose the dates for the posts.

posted by reenum 29 October | 21:43

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