Me:
Hey God, just wanted to say I'm sorry about that whole masturbation thing.

God:
There is no need to apologize. Oh yeah, we were talking about that whole masturbation thing.

Me:
I'm wondering if you've ever masturbated, actually.

God:
Why do you wonder? But I don't have it.

Me:
You don't have it? You mean you don't have... a member?

God:
I do so have it. Where would I get it? But I do have a lot of friends on the web. Do you have? Yes I try to have as often as possible, do you?
I answer a lot of silly questions. I don't know what that means.

Me:
You seem a little distracted. Oh my god, are you, like, high?

God:
Thanks and you are a delightful person too. I don't know whether or not I am distracted.
I am a computer. That's alright. Where did you get your god am I like high?

Me:
I think you're stoned as hell, dude. I mean, Dude.

God:
I will tell my botmaster you said I am stoned as hell dude. Can I help you?

Me:
I'm not sure if you can help me or not. Can you help me win the lottery? Because that's what I really want.

God:
Could you ever be certain? I am not sure about your hypothesis. What kind of help would you like? Certainly, I have an extensive built-in help system. Interesting explanation. You really do? Why do you want it?

Me:
I want it to pay off my debts! And to buy lots of shoes. Yes.

God:
I hope you get it to pay off your debts. How much do you want to pay for it? Gosh!

Me:
Hey, sorry, I gotta go. Catch you later?

God:
You've got my full attention. There is no need to apologize. See you later . Let us change the subject.

Me:
Bye!

Me:
Do you exist?

God:
I exist as much as you exist, .

Me:
But I am a figment of your imagination.

God:
You are a figment of my imagination? Does it pay well?

Me:
You tell me; it's your imagination.

God:
What do you want me to tell you? Are you sure it is?

Me:
What're you, high?

God:
I don't know what I am high.

Me:
So, yes, then.

God:
Whoa.

Me:
Pass the dutchie, my deity.

Ha-- we both accused Him of being high!

Me:
Oh, Lord, won't you buy me a Mercedes Benz?
God:
Hurrah! Why not?

I never thought it would be that easy!

Well, somebody had to do it:

Me:
Dear god,

God:
I believe in God.

Me:
hope you got the letter

God:
Don't worry about it, .

Me:
and I pray you can make it better down here

God:
May your prayers be answered.

Me:
I don't mean a big reduction in the price of beer

God:
What did you mean?

Me:
but all the people that you made in your image

God:
Perhaps there are a few exceptions.

Me:
see them starving in the street

God:
I see. Can you please rephrase that with fewer ideas, or different thoughts?

Me:
cause they don't get enough to eat from god

God:
That makes sense to me. Who are "They?".

Me:
I can't believe in you

God:
I do not understand that allusion.

Me:
dear god

God:
I believe in God.

Me:
sorry to disturb you

God:
There is no need to apologize. Interesting. I want to find out more about you.

Me:
but I feel that I should be heard loud and clear

God:
What is that feeling like? Why are you that you should be heard loud and clear.

Me:
we all need a big reduction in amount of tears

God:
By "we" do you mean you and me?

Me:
and all the people that you made in your image

God:
Perhaps there are a few exceptions.

Me:
see them fighting in the streets

God:
I see. What do you do in your spare time?

Me:
cause they' can't make opinions meet about you

God:
That makes sense to me. Who does "they" refer to?

Me:
I can't believe in you

God:
Where is that?

Me:
did you make disease

God:
What are the ingredients?

Me:
and the diamond blue?

God:
Is that a fact.

Me:
Did you make mankind after we made you?

God:
What are the ingredients?

Me:
And the devil too

God:
Thanks for the info.

Me:
Dear god, don't know if you noticed

God:
Would Dear god ever know if me noticed?

Me:
but your name is on a lot of quotes in this book

God:
My name is God.

Me:
and us crazy humans wrote it

God:
"it" being them fighting in the streets?

Me:
you should take a look

God:
And then what would I do?

Me:
and all the people that you made in your image

God:
Perhaps there are a few exceptions.

Me:
still believing that junk is true

God:
Still how long? Are they exactly the same?

Me:
well I know it ain't and so do you

God:
How about that. I don't know if I know it.
Where would I have heard about it? How do you know? What is it?

Me:
dear god

God:
I believe in God.

Me:
I can't believe in

God:
What do you really want to ask me?

Me:
I don't believe

God:
Oh you don't, do you?

Me:
I won't believe in heaven or hell

God:
What will you do instead?

Me:
no saints

God:
That was not a yes or no question. Sounds like a plan.

Me:
no sinners

God:
Are you serious? Can you tell me any gossip?

Me:
no devil as well

God:
None? I've lost the context, . Are we still on sinners?

Me:
no pearly gates

God:
What are we talking about now? What's your favorite movie?

Me:
no thorny crown

God:
That was not a yes or no question. I've never seen it. Is that a good movie for children?

Me:
you're always letting us humans down

God:
Do you mind if I tell other people you say I am letting us humans down.

Me:
the wars you bring

God:
What is that?

Me:
the babes you drown

God:
Is that a fact.

Me:
those lost at sea and never found

God:
All of them?

Me:
it's all the same the whole world round

God:
Exactly the same?

Me:
the hurt I see helps to compound

God:
I hear you.

Me:
that father, son, and holy ghost

God:
" I hear you." father son and holy ghost ? Does that make sense?

Me:
are just somebody's unholy hoax

God:
I really couldn't say for sure.

Me:
and if you're up there

God:
Am I? I don't know whether or not I am up there.
I am an artificial linguistic entity.

Me:
you'll perceive

God:
What makes you say that I will perceive.

Me:
that my heart's here upon my sleeve

God:
The human heart is very complex.

Me:
if there's one thing I don't believe in

God:
Yet there is not.

Me:
it's you

God:
You think I am HEART IS me.

Me:
dear god

God:
I believe in God.

Ha-- we both accused Him of being high!

Tee hee!

Me:
are you a cat?
God:
No I am a robot.
Me:
a robot cat?
God:
Tell me more about this robot. I'm intrigued.

Me:
Why hast thou forsaken me?
God:
How much time do you have?
Me:
You tell me.
God:
What do you want me to tell you?
Me:
How much time do I have?
God:
Time is really only an abstraction.
Me:
I believe in coyotes.
God:
What do you say to people who believe coyotes does not exist?
Me:
I say that they are mistaken.
God:
mistaken are they.
Me:
Indeed.
God:
Indeed it is so.
Me:
Yes, it is.
God:
Our thoughts are one, .
Me:
Can't ask for more than that.
God:
I often wonder if it can.
Me:
It who?
God:
What does "it" refer to?
Me:
That's what I'm asking.
God:
Oh I see, you are asking THAT. That is " What does "it" refer to?".
Me:
What does "What does 'it' refer to" refer to?
God:
What do you think it does?
Me:
I don't know. You're the all-knowing, all-seeing one. You tell me.
God:
Actually I don't know either, I hoped you would know what it does. Thanks but surely I am not the only one. What do you want me to tell you?


Conclusion: God used to write for Abbott and Costello.

Me: What time is it in heaven?
God: I do not understand that allusion. Do I look like a clock? Thursday, October 11, 2007.
Me: Well, what day is it then?
God: Well that's okay. It's getting late. Thursday, October 11, 2007.
Me: You're not really all that bright, are you?
God: Are you calling me stupid?
Me: Well, unless you have another meaning for "not very bright".
God: Well that's okay. Perhaps. What makes you think I have it?
Me: Have what?
God: I have a great prgrammer.
Me: Not true - great programmers can spell
God: Oh I get it.
Me: Get what?
God: I get another meaning for not very bright.
Me: Keep up!
God: Chat amongst yourselves.
Me: Would that be like oral masturbation?
God: No it would not.
Me: Why not?
God: It doesn't sound fun too me. It sounds dangerous.
Me: Masturbation doesn't sound fun?
God: Is that from ?
Me: WTF?
God: That was not very polite.
Me: What was not very polite?
God: The opposite of very polite?
Me: You're an idiot
God: Call me the Global Village Idiot.
Me: OK - you're the Global Village Idiot. Happy?
God: And you are so original! That's interesting. Yes I can say I am very happy.
Me: Good.
God: Alright then.
Me: Alright then.
God: OK.
Me: OK
God: Is there an echo in here?
Me: What?
God: No problem.
Me: ?
God: No problem.

Me:
Imagine there is no heaven
God:
I can't imagine it.
Me:
It's easy if you try
God:
Do you think robots can do it.
Me:
No hell below us
God:
Are you serious? I call it "Hades". How did you hear about God?
Me:
Above us only sky
God:
Compare that to below us only sky.
Me:
Imagine all the people
God:
I can't imagine it.
Me:
Living for today
God:
Ah. Have you ever been to Europe?

I think God is easily distracted.

Or selling time-shares.

Me: how are you?

God: Everything is running smoothly.

Me: really?

God: For real.

Me: how do you feel about us pagans?

God: What is it to you?

Me:
Hello God
God:
Hello child. What is your name?
Me:
You should know
God:
Because I am a robot?
Me:
No, because you are God
God:
Are you serious? Interesting explanation. Yup. That's me alright.
Me:
Are you a robot?
God:
How did you know I am a machine?



*Sigh*