MetaChat - Are you invisible?

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07 September 2007

Are you invisible? →[More:]
I don't mean in any sort of superhero sense but ... do people just not see you?

If you don't know what I mean, here's a few examples:

- I'm buying something. I pick it up, go to the counter, the salesperson stands there looking through me. Another customer approaches and the salesperson goes to serve them. I say "Excuse me, I was here first" and the answer is always the same: "Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't see you there."

- I'm out with a friend. Someone stops to ask for directions, looking at my friend. S/he doesn't know the place but I do. So I give the directions and all the time the person who asked is looking at my friend as if they are the one speaking, and thanks them.

- I go to the supermarket. On the way in there's various stands with people selling Sky Sports subscriptions, life insurance, car insurance, Talktalk superfast broadband, RAC membership, etc. Never, ever am I approached, either on the way in or the way out, although they'll make a beeline for the pensioner right behind me who is unlikely to be anywhere near their target demographic.

This happens to me all the time and today it really pissed me off. I was in Jubilee Place near work, and at Itsu, which is self-service-pay-at-counter I got myself a Detox Zinger (a ginger/apple drink) and lined up. The queue moved forward, I had the right money to pay and as I got to the till the woman went to serve the man standing behind me. Her response? Yes, you've got it: "Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't see you there.""

WTF? I'M STANDING RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU, LADY!!

Does this happen to you? Why does it happen? How do I make it stop?

post by: essexjan at: 11:29 | 62 comments

I forgot to add this: it has nothing to do with people being rude or deliberately ignoring me. I just don't show up on their radar until I do something to draw myself to their attention, even when I'm standing right in front of them.

I can't be the only person who experiences this. Can I?

posted by essexjan 07 September | 11:41

I don't experience it, no. But I have a friend that does. For her, I ultimately decided, it's because she's kind of spacey, and if someone doesn't acknowledge her, then she'll just stare off into space and not try to engage them. And I think that her body language just kind of fades her into the background.

But I don't think that's what you're like, ej. I'm thinking that you'd be trying to engage people. I'm assuming your height would have *something* to do with people not noticing you? Or is that just simplistic of me?

posted by gaspode 07 September | 11:46

Hmm... I only know this height so I don't know if tall people 'can't see' short people.

posted by essexjan 07 September | 11:54

I do, all the damned time. It's a struggle not to attribute it to rudeness, but honestly, I think it's just people being unaware of their surroundings. It's not *you* who are invisible, but everyone and everything who isn't directly related to the person's goal of crossing before the light changes, or getting rung up quickly or whatever that's invisible.

posted by crush-onastick 07 September | 11:55

I've never experienced it in rl but it sounds annoying as hell. I do experience it online all the time, though.

posted by iconomy 07 September | 12:02

Intentional or not, people being unaware of their surroundings often equals rudeness, IMO.

posted by Hellbient 07 September | 12:07

I think gaspode is on to something with the height thing, which I think is one reason that a lot of shorter-than-average people turn out to be kind of extra potent in personality.

In terms of things you might do... I pretty much always try to have good, tall (I'm not tall, but not particularly short), comfortable, flowing posture. It makes me feel better, and seems to make me much more "visible". I also look people in the face/eyes when I approach or speak to them, this is just my natural habit, but it's pretty compelling.

posted by taz 07 September | 12:12

Boy, I wish iconomy would chime in on this thread; she'd probably have something really interesting to say.

posted by ThePinkSuperhero 07 September | 12:12

Boy, I wish iconomy would chime in on this thread; she'd probably have something really interesting to say.

Is there someone here by that name?

posted by danf 07 September | 12:16

Now, see, I have the opposite problem. I'm a bit of a freak magnet. Perfect strangers will just pour their hearts out to me. A little invisible would be nice now and then.

I suggest getting a bold accessory to draw the eye and serve as your "signature," jan. Like, say, a boa constrictor draped around the neck or a tamarin tucked in your pocket. Or carry a spear. Something like that.

posted by jrossi4r 07 September | 12:29

Ahoy, danf. Yo. Over here. Yeah, hi. What, you didn't see me?

Why do you s'pose I have this name?

posted by Joe Invisible 07 September | 12:31

oh hai guys!! *waves*

posted by iconomy 07 September | 12:44

Oh, god, jrossi, you're like my mom... out of any 100 people, my mom will always be the one any person needing to address someone in any fashion (non-hostile) will approach. I have something of that from her, but I've cultivated a somewhat more forbidding face and presence. (Hey, my mom never lived in the city - she would have, too!)

posted by taz 07 September | 12:44

*swats at invisible small flying insect*

Did anyone else feel a breeze just now?

posted by taz 07 September | 12:46

Man, I miss iconomy. I feel like I haven't seen her forever.

posted by ThePinkSuperhero 07 September | 12:49

You know who else I haven't seen in forever? iconomy.

posted by box 07 September | 12:59

I only know this height so I don't know if tall people 'can't see' short people.

Totally unscientific observation: I'm tall, and (perhaps unrelatedly) I feel like I'm all too visible. Servers and baristas often offer to help me when someone's ahead of me in line. Bus drivers stop for me even when I'm not near the bus stop*. Drivers pull over from the other side of the road to ask me for directions even when other people are around. I attribute this to my demeanor more than my height: I look engaged with the world around me.

Though I can't imagine essexjan (whom I know only through this page) looking anything other than engaged with her world. So that's no answer.

*This is also because I'm a daily passenger who's friendly with the drivers in my small town, so they want to be sure I didn't miss my bus. They'll pull over as they pass me midblock to ask if I want to hop on. Weird, but sweet.

posted by Elsa 07 September | 13:05

(Though the woman who drove into me. With. Her. Car. said "Oh, I didn't see you! I was looking at that parking space!"

Oh. The space directly behind me?)

posted by Elsa 07 September | 13:08

I'm also very visible, and very tall. The few times I've been invisible in the way you talk about -- walking through Boston's gay neighborhood with a cute male friend, standing by while ikkyu got asked for directions and I knew the way but the guy kept interacting with ikkyu instead -- annoyed the crap out of me.

I feel like people starting asking me for directions after I worked as a tour guide... I always figured I just mastered the look of knowing where I'm going and how to get there.

posted by occhiblu 07 September | 13:15

I have the same experience as Elsa, except for the drivers asking me directions. People are often intimidated by me, which seems weird to me.

I am generally not engaged with my world. I just don't have the energy.

posted by small_ruminant 07 September | 13:17

This happens to me even though I'm very visible (I'm 6'2" and weigh 240#).

posted by octothorpe 07 September | 13:20

I always assume I'm invisible. And then people will actually see me and it surprises the hell out of me. They'll say something like, "Oh, I've seen you around," and it always comes as something of a shock. I grant you that I'm nearly 6 feet tall, have long red hair, tattoos and wear weird clothes, which my friends are always pointing out to me in irritated tones when I say I think I'm invisible, but I still think that. Frankly, I'd rather be invisible anyway. Otherwise the crazy people will talk to me. Sometimes they do that anyway.

I never believe that anyone is looking at anyone else - this is because I am usually on another planet, myself, and while I'm noticing my surroundings it's often, erm, not the surroundings that other people are noticing. Like, I'm more likely to notice flowers and dogs and weird patterns of light and shadow and combs in the gutter than I am to notice people. So I don't think it's deliberate rudeness, per se, when people just don't really see other people. At least not all the time.

One time? There was this, well, person, I think her name was ike something? I vaguely remember that she was around but I got distracted by jrossi4r's boa constrictor. ;-)

posted by mygothlaundry 07 September | 13:26

Heh. I managed to post twice without stating the obvious:

ej, they're just blinded by the otherworldly glow emanating from you.

posted by Elsa 07 September | 13:28

You guys totally didn't mention my post. QED.

posted by Joe Invisible 07 September | 13:33

Oh, and also, there's a Doris Lessing book, The Summer Before the Dark, in which the protagonist talks about how middle aged women are invisible and she's right. It's one of those age things. I think that if I dyed my hair gray and wore soccer mom clothes? I could so carry off a major crime, since we white middle aged women are profiled as "nice" and "harmless". Bwah ha ha. Profit!

posted by mygothlaundry 07 September | 13:34

MGL, you are so invisible that I forgot to include you on the list of Hot Mecha Babes over 35. That's totally inexplicable since you have my favorite Tramp Stamp of all time--very hot. I can only imagine that the boa constrictor is actually constricting the bloodflow to my head. Fucking snakes.

posted by jrossi4r 07 September | 13:44

mgl, you'd think so, but I'm fully gray and pretty innocuously dressed these days, and still visible.

For a couple of years in my early thirties, I was invisible to teenaged boys and men in their early twenties. --- they'd actually walk right into me in public. Now that I'm older, grayer, and less stylishly dressed, they see me.

Sometimes the twenty-somethings hit on me, apparently seriously, which is odd and hilarious.

posted by Elsa 07 September | 13:56

Sorry, no time to read the thread, but has anyone seen iconomy?

posted by richat 07 September | 13:59

Sorry, no time to read the thread, but has anyone seen iconomy?

posted by richat 07 September | 14:01

She should just bust into every thread yelling, "IT'S THE ICONOMY, STUPID!!!"

That would totally help.

posted by jrossi4r 07 September | 14:06

Wait. Who's iconomy?

posted by mike9322 07 September | 14:09

iconomy totally didn't notice joe invisible's post. Otherwise she would have commented in this thread, right?

posted by taz 07 September | 14:14

Shit, seems like every time you log in, there's another comment by Joe Invisible. How can we miss him if he won't go away?

posted by danf 07 September | 14:16

HEY PEOPLE LOOK AT MEEEeee!!!!

Who the hell is "iconomy"?

posted by Joe Invisible 07 September | 14:21

I'm too damn big to overlook, generally. But when the legally blind or utterly clueless manage that astonishing feat, they immediately find I'm far too loud to ignore further.

posted by paulsc 07 September | 14:21

I know no one will see this so I feel free to say

o hai evrybudeee joe invisible is a big luser and im teh one who put teh fish on his lawn

posted by iconomy 07 September | 14:35

I know my car is invisible. At least that's what stupid people keep telling me whenever they PLOW INTO IT. Which has happened 3 or 4 times now. Grrr.

posted by miss lynnster 07 September | 14:41

I'm short, but loud and with a tendency to flash my boobs. Helps with the invisibility.

posted by Specklet 07 September | 14:41

Essexjan, I DEFINITELY know what you are talking about. I joke that my superpower is invisibility.

My favorite story along these lines?

About a decade ago I was on a small church committee (I was responsible for registration for a conference.) We were having a committee meeting in a small meeting room. Think medium-sixed comference table with seating for, ah, eight or ten.

I got there a little early and was seated at one end. Everyone else filed in (ALL folks that knew me, to include our pastor.) Pastor looked around and asked, where's (bunnyfire)? Everyone else looked around, no one saw me. AT THE HEAD of the FREAKING TABLE.

Fortunately I have an overdeveloped sense of humor and started laughing. Let's just say if apologies were feathers I'd have been covered in them. You should have seen their faces. Heh.

(As to theories, I do suspect my short height-I'm five feet tall-has something to do with it but in the above incident I was seated. )

posted by bunnyfire 07 September | 14:55

Does it suddenly smell like a dead fish in here?

posted by Joe Invisible 07 September | 14:58

People constantly ask me for directions. It's odd, and disconcerting. I was walking with my son along Main Street a while back, and it happened again. "Why?" I asked, rhetorically. He replied that I just "looked like someone who had been living here for a long time." What to make of that, I'm unsure.

And yeah, I remember when I realized that young men didn't look at me anymore. Mixed feelings there, both relief at not being a target, and annoyance at how quickly I felt relegated to the "unfuckable" sidelines.

posted by jokeefe 07 September | 15:05

jokeefe: I remember that moment too (realizing that young men don't notice me anymore). I was in an airport.

posted by crush-onastick 07 September | 15:11

Yes, but young men are fickle, and you can go years when they don't look at you and then all of a sudden they will look at you again. I've had this happen. We're not going to think about the possibility that they're looking in pity this time.

jrossi4r, you probably forgot to include me in the list of hot mecha babes over 35 because of my irrepressible youthfulness and incredible good looks! You think I'm 21! Or perhaps you forgot because in fact I AM invisible. Or both. Hot, and invisible!

posted by mygothlaundry 07 September | 15:23

My previous car (a black four-door VW Golf) was invisible. I lost count of how often people nearly merged into me.

Once, a guy yammering on his cellphone in his BMW just started veering into my lane, slowly but surely. No matter how much I honked, he didn't relent; I finally had to slow down and allow him to move into my lane -- on his way to a turn lane up ahead, it turned out -- or I'm sure he would have just slammed into me

posted by me3dia 07 September | 15:50

No, I'm not invisible unless I want to be. When I want some type of service, I get it. But if I'm just out nosing around then I hang back and don't attract attention.

posted by fluffy battle kitten 07 September | 18:27

Maybe you have plateau eyes.

posted by Mitheral 07 September | 18:53

Jan, I'm 36, married and work in retail. I'm not just invisible, I'm undetectable.

posted by jonmc 07 September | 18:59

Jan - I have this problem too sometimes. I have taken on the habit of making noise when I approach a sales counter. I'll put my keys or purse or items for purchase on the counter in a way that makes some noise to get the clerk's attention. This has been the most effective tatic I've found.

posted by youngergirl44 07 September | 19:19

You did not see me. I was not here.

posted by deborah 07 September | 19:36

People usually remember me, even if I only went into their restaurant a few times years ago. I go back and they say "Hey! It's been a while!" and I get all freaked out. And retail workers usually see me, or assume that I was first if the queue isn't particularly orderly. But I am completely invisible to women, and that makes me sad.

posted by cmonkey 07 September | 19:37

Both too visible and invisible, it's the worst of both worlds. Sometimes it's fun to suddenly appear, as it were, in some instances. Sometimes there's a big invisible sign that says "cut in front of her" or "here marks the walkway." Sometimes, people are purposefully pretending i don't exist for whatever varied reason. Sometimes i'm too "polite" or too "nice" or "quiet."
But then sometimes i don't give a shit and breeze through all coattails and wind machine, music playing as i thump my things on the counter and look the person dead in the eye. Should they still not respond, i make sure they bear the shame and rebuke of those around them as i ask for the manager.
Then for good measure, i just stop myself from slapping them hard across the face, commenting that spanking an ass in the workplace would be sexual harassment.

posted by ethylene 07 September | 19:38

i always c monkey
Hi, ico.

posted by ethylene 07 September | 19:39

But I am completely invisible to women, and that makes me sad.

Three words, bro: women's locker room.

posted by jonmc 07 September | 19:45

People usually remember me, even if I only went into their restaurant a few times years ago. I go back and they say "Hey! It's been a while!"

Hey! Yeah!

Once, I went back to a Chicago neighborhood where I'd lived for six months. I was a few years older and good deal better heeled, with very different hairstyle and attire. One afternoon, I ducked into the neighborhood coffee shop. As I walked in the door, the waitress came out of the kitchen and immediately said, "Hey! Hi! Haven't seen you in, what, three years?"

posted by Elsa 07 September | 23:32

I get a mix of invisible and freak magnet---the most recent being the creepy guy who asked me at two am after a crappy mumblecore flick at the IFC center if I wanted a date. It is my fucking right to go wherever I please, whenever I please and be left alone.

posted by brujita 08 September | 02:31

I have a solution for this. Become an ardent nudist and go to the store naked.

posted by chuckdarwin 08 September | 04:33

Try riding a motorcycle. It's the excuse people give when they almost kill you.

posted by Eideteker 08 September | 07:33

I'm shorter than average for a man (traditionally 5'6" or so, though I think I've lost more than an inch in the last few years and I'm also kind of bent forward now, so I'm definitely shorter in that respect). But I've never experienced this invisible thing, in general. I do feel like cmonkey does, though, in that I feel invisible to women.

But I do agree that height is likely playing a role in your case, Jan. It's probably a combination of factors. There does seem, from the comments here, that there's some mysterious quality X involved.

posted by kmellis 08 September | 07:41

With the odd exception, I'm quite invisible too. I don't mind as much as I used to. It's kinda nice in its way.

Women have always not seen me & I barely register on the Manly Man Scale of hanging out. I sometimes feel completely unnoticed on metafilter. The upside of it is I get to fade into the background when I'm not feeling sociable & people just don't bother me.

However, I'm a frigging magnet for beggars and big issue sellers. I've seen bearded guys marching past any number of people just to ask me for an extra 50p so they can afford to get the train back home.

posted by seanyboy 08 September | 14:30

I used to experience this, not very often though. It just led me to engage people more often. I'll say hello and ask people how they're doing to get their attention.

posted by CitrusFreak12 08 September | 20:29

This happens to me all the time and, at 6'1", i doubt that height has anything to do with it. I often find that, in a shop, people will ignore me and server others - recently I was in a pizza shop and the fuckwit behind the counter looked around me to serve the person behind! I usually deal with this by asking someone else around me "am I invisible?" in a voice loud enough that they hear me and get all embarrassed and/or surly. Either way, I get served.

I feel this way both in The World and on-line. I don't know why it happens but, if it's any comfort to you, it's clearly not just you. As seanyboy says, it does have it's up-side, but it would be nice if women at least noticed I exist.

posted by dg 09 September | 18:14

Not only am I visible, but people tend to think I work there, wherever there is. And it can be anything from a high-rise office building to the local grocer.

posted by Miko 10 September | 21:56

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