MetaChat - AskMeCha etiquette question: wedding invitations that don't mention a SO.

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20 August 2007

AskMeCha etiquette question: wedding invitations that don't mention a SO. →[More:]My cousin (who lives here in SoCal) is getting married in October, for which we're all very excited (he's adorable, and his fiancee is a peach). The last time I saw him and his fiancee a few months ago (at another cousin's birthday party for her daughter), he mentioned how much he was looking forward to meeting my boyfriend one of these days, and in fact he berated me (jokingly, of course) for not bringing my boyfriend along that day -- something along the lines of "you goofball, we want to make him part of the FAMILY!"

So the invitation arrived today, and it's only addressed to me -- no +1 or guest indicated. I completely understand that weddings are terribly expensive and it can be prohibitive to pay for dinner for everyone and their SO, and so take no personal offense if my boyfriend isn't actually invited. (My boyfriend, for his part, is even less inclined to be offended than I am.)

My only concern is that, given my cousin's previously stated eagerness to meet my boyfriend, perhaps I am misunderstanding -- maybe they assume that I'm bringing him, even if his name's not on the invite? However, contacting my cousin or his fiancee to ask for clarification seems unspeakably tacky and rude... I would much rather err on the side of polite caution and go alone, but it would be a shame if my bf really would be welcome after all (leading to another instance of getting punched in the arm by my cousin and called a goofball, this time in the receiving line).

For the record, my cousin and my bf would are almost certain to hit it off famously, and I really do want them to meet one of these days.

Gah! Metachat, hope me!

post by: scody at: 20:55 | 19 comments

If it were me I would assume that the invite really was for just one person. If y'all live close together, meet up some other time.

posted by grouse 20 August | 21:09

My suspicion is that, though your cousin may want to meet your boyfriend, your cousin's wedding isn't the right time to do that. Your cousin will be distracted, having a few other things going on on that day; it's not like they'll be able to sit down and have a two hour chat over a glass of wine, the way a person ordinarily would when meeting a cousin's significant other.

Also, you know perfectly well that your cousin knows perfectly well that you have a boyfriend. Given that, if he's not named on the invitation, I think it's probably the better part of valor to respect that. An extra guest can cost $200-$300 bucks at your "average" wedding.

If you want to inquire about it, a mutual relative - maybe your cousin's mother or father, whoever your aunt or uncle is - would be the right person to ask. I'm not sure I'd ask; it's not unreasonable for a bride and groom, when considering their budget, to decide not to invite people whom they've never met, and who therefore don't have as much reason to celebrate their happiness together.

posted by ikkyu2 20 August | 21:16

I'm not sure I'd ask; it's not unreasonable for a bride and groom, when considering their budget, to decide not to invite people whom they've never met, and who therefore don't have as much reason to celebrate their happiness together.

Yep, that was my instinct as well... I just wanted to make sure I wasn't being overly squirrely and hyper-Miss Manners-y about it.

And as grouse suggests, this could be a good incentive to set up a proper "let's all get together AFTER the wedding insanity" sort of dinner party or something.

posted by scody 20 August | 21:23

Agreeing with ikkyu, adding this:

If the question is asked, it should be done like so:

Your mom or dad, whoever is sister/brother to your aunt/uncle, would be the best person to ask the question of the aunt/uncle/sister/brother. Ever so casually and tactfully.

It works better if it's your mom's sister or brother, so she can jabber about wedding plans and she can bring it up in that discussion. Mom to mom communication is so useful in these situations. (If the two get along well.)

When my cousin got married, she addressed the invitation to me and I mentioned it to my mom, but we couldn't go because it was in Costa Rica. But my mom subsequently forgot, and since she didn't receive her own invite she said something to my cousin's mom, which resulted in my aunt berating my cousin and my cousin berating me -- all in a very friendly family-type way.

posted by brina 20 August | 21:29

I just asked my cousin, but if it had been a cousin I was less chummy with, I would have asked his mother instead of him. If it were a friend, or a more distant relative (my family is tightly knit), I would have assumed "no guests". I know the cousin didn't address +1 because they didn't want people rounding up guests or just bringing a date because they could.

posted by crush-onastick 20 August | 21:29

Nthing your gut feelings....one of the reasons why my relationship with my mother's friend who just died had cooled was because she had demanded that her BF be included at my birthday dinner when no one else present was part of a couple ( I didn't like the circumstances of Frieda's leaving her husband and I would have preferred it just be with people with whom I was comfortable) . If she had still been with her husband there would not have been a problem; as it was the reservations had to be changed and the table was not ready for an hour after the new time.

posted by brujita 20 August | 23:51

I'd stay home. but then I'm a meanie.

posted by matteo 21 August | 01:10

No you're not, but you like the reputation so go for it!

Nthing the Let's get together after the wedding to really get to know the BF.

posted by Wilder 21 August | 05:03

Why assume anything. Sounds like you have a good relationship with the cousin. Ask.

posted by terrapin 21 August | 08:26

When my uncle got married he had a small fancy wedding and it was pretty clear that no one that wasn't a live-in partner or spouse was invited. His point was basically that he didn't want to be introduced to anyone at his wedding. I'd feel free to ask, certainly, but I don't think it's that weird that he not be invited (except for the "because he is awesome and why wouldn't anyone want him at their party" part)

posted by jessamyn 21 August | 09:05

Ugh, this whole "plus guest" thing is always so complicated! I would probably just call and bluntly ask, but then I'm that sort of person. A more tactful person would mine family relationships to figure out the dealio.

posted by muddgirl 21 August | 11:00

It's not rude to ask for clarification. It seems likely that the omission of the +1 was deliberate, but what a shame if it wasn't and he didn't get to go! Ask.

posted by Specklet 21 August | 11:44

Eh, I'm just made queasy by the whole notion of asking, because I think it puts my cousin (or his fiancee, or whomever I ask) in the potentially uncomfortable position of having to explain or justify their decision. I also feel it could come across as trying to invite someone else along. I feel that both scenarios have the potential make my cousin or his fiancee feel uncomfortable, which would be inconsiderate on my part.

Also, there's a bit of family history here -- my cousin's father is (was) my dad's brother. My uncle died about 10 years ago, and my parents' relationship with my cousin's mom (i.e., my aunt by marriage) has always been pretty strained, but especially so after my uncle died. The fact that my three cousins and my sister and I now all have a regular relationship stems from the fact that this cousin who's getting married really made the first big gesture to bring the five of us cousins back together when I first moved to L.A., in spite of the family history that had gradually put up a wall between us.

So I think I feel that the situation is especially delicate -- I'm so grateful to even have my cousins in my life again that I hestitate to do anything that might even have a hint of rudeness about it.

posted by scody 21 August | 13:28

Just as an additional data point: I'd assume my SO was not invited. The likelihood of it being a mistake is very, very low.

posted by eamondaly 21 August | 13:45

Re: asking. Well, it would be rude to frame it like, "Oh, I want my fiance to come, why can't he come?"

But you could frame it like, "Wow, thanks for the invitation to your wedding. I'm looking forward to a weekend away from TheBoy with just the family!" Then, if they say, "Oh, your boyfriend can't make it? That's too bad", you'll know it was a mistake on their part (and you can clear it all up with embarrased laughter), but if they say, "Yeah, we've planned something small, just the fam," then you know that it was intentional. See how sneaky and polite that is?

Of course, I could never be that suave. It just sounds that way in my head.

On preview, eamondaly may be right, but some people don't obsess about this sort of thing the way we do. :)

posted by muddgirl 21 August | 13:48

I would assume no boyfriend. As ikkyu said, they know you have one and they want to meet him, so I can't imagine they would have left him off accidentally.

And if your cousin harasses you about not bringing him, then *you* have the right to punch *him* on the arm for screwing up the invitation. :-)

posted by occhiblu 21 August | 13:57

See, I'd assume the opposite of all of you, since I was always told it's mad-crazy-rude to invite only 1/2 of an established couple, and the "no guests" thing was more for people who are single but might bring a date.

posted by kellydamnit 21 August | 14:18

My second two cents: I wouldn't try a sneaky way of finding out, because they'll almost undoubtedly see through it.

If family history makes asking tricky, skip it and go by yourself. It's not the time for the bridal couple to be hanging out and getting to know folks; they're going to be super busy.

posted by Specklet 21 August | 15:10

Etiquette dictates that only those people on the invitation are invited to the wedding. I wouldn't ask, just decline or accept on my own behalf.

posted by Orange Swan 21 August | 21:12

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