When my ex and I split up, there were many long, tortured exchanges (arguments) about who would get what. It made the whole situation much harder. Then there was the accounting process -- she made a years-long tally of grocery receipts and such that she thought we should split. (It worked out in her favor, of course, because I kept no such recipts.)

I think it was a transference thing -- it was easier to be angry about the couch or the vegetable peeler or the bottom line than about the real problems.

Avoid this. It sucks up a lot of psychic energy that's better spent elsewhere.

The apartment issue is big. Figure out something you can both live with, but don't make it a legal battle.

Possessions are no big deal. They are imminently replaceable. Do not get hung up on any inanimate object. If he wants it, let it go, do without for a while. It'll be fine.

Sorry you're going through this. It's very hard. Just try to focus on what's important and remember what isn't.

Oh, I'm so sorry!

Not sure how much this applies, but when I had to split up stuff with my ex, he actually already owed me money, so I went around and made a list of all the shared furniture and electronics and such and estimated its resale value (we got most of it used on Craigslist, so that seemed most fair). Then I handed him the list and asked him if it seemed fair.

Conveniently, the total came to about the same amount as he owed me, so I just took all the furniture and forgave the debt. I then spent a large amount of time fuming at the furniture after moving it into my new place, so I'm not sure I recommend keeping the furniture.

It sounds like you have much nicer stuff than I did, but I think making up a list and deciding how you want to value everything -- original price? resale value? replacement value? -- makes sense. It probably also makes sense to get a good sense on whether either of you owes the other any money.

Then you just... try to split up things in a reasonably financially fair manner, I think, taking into account what each person likes (if you had to talk him into the couch, maybe you should get it; if he always wanted a Tiffany-style lamp, maybe he should get it; or whatever).

I don't really have any advice on the rent issue, unfortunately.

And no, none of this worry is stupid, or little. It's what you'll need to sort through if you're breaking off the engagement, so it's what you've got to deal with right now.

Ha! I seem to have contradicted mudpuppie with my insistence on a list. Her point is good, though -- don't get hung up on the little stuff; if you're just worried about splitting the furniture fairly, then stick to dealing with the furniture.

The accounting between my ex and me was fairly straightforward, though (we split things fairly equally, didn't really often owe each other much money), and the enormous problems we did have were not at all financial, so I may be overly optimistic/naive on that front.

I'm actually not too worried about the physical possessions so I'm not sure why I mentioned that. He is much more attached to "stuff" than I am, and as far as I'm concerned he can have anything that he really wants. He is not the type to vengefully try to take something he knows is mine (say, the dining room set my grandmother passed down). I'm trying to mentally prepare for different eventualities, but maybe hoping for a clean break is too much.

*hugs*

I have no idea how to handle the actual split from the fiance... But as far as the rent goes, it sounds like you're both on the lease, right? If so, then yes - the landlord could come after both of you for non-payment of the rent.

Is your landlord just a guy or some sort of apartment complex company? If it's just a guy, see if you can both just move out. If (one of) you can't afford the rent, the best thing you can do is give his apartment back to him so he can rent it to someone who can pay. I had to do that once when my roommate bailed on me. My landlord was a really nice guy and was greatful that I was honest instead of staying and not paying rent. If you have an apartment company as your landlord, what about subleting the place?

I'm sorry that you have to go though this. Hugs.

where are you in lake county? i've lived all over that place!

desjardins, you have my deepest sympathy, this is not easy, but it does get better, trust me.

in my case my x and i spent so long together that almost everything was joint ownership, and he's a hoarder, so we had an assload of stuff.

none of this that you're going through is 'small', so don't try to diminish what you're feeling here.

in hindsight i dunno if i'd recommend going at it the way i did. i was so fucking weary and just ready to be done with the relationship, that when the last straw hit, i just took my clothes, my bike stuff and my car, and left him with a 3BR (rented) houseload full of crap, and considered it all good riddance.

the rent thing did not actually come back to bite me in the ass as i'd feared. he merely broke the lease and the landlord insisted he find another tenant, which he did.

i moved into a ramshackle house with four college students and my paltry carload of stuff, and spent the next two and a half years living without a real bed. fast forward five years down the road and i've got furnishings, dishes, home theatre oddments, and assorted other stuff, that mostly went into storage when i moved in with the mr.

what i do recommend, is that if you are at all able to sit down and figure out how to divvy it up peaceably, then by all means do so. i spent years (YEARS) being sorry that i'd left certain things behind... CD's, books, some very expensive bike tools, cookware, etc... that at the time i blew off as 'too much hassle to fight over'.

do not, however, let the stuff-separation become a ground war over emotional issues - i.e. don't let 'things' represent 'feelings', if that makes sense at all.

because in the end, as occhiblu rightly points out, that goodwill ottoman that you just can't bear to let him have, may perhaps serve to merely remind you of him down the road, and not necessarily in a good way.

which also brings up...: once you've got it all sorted out, i'd urge you to put most of the stuff that was 'yours' collectively, or may serve as a reminder of him, into storage for awhile, if you can live without it that is. it's amputation-by-proxy, but it does help deal with the post-traumatic stress.

youngergirl - we're in Island Lake.

Thanks for all the understanding and suggestions. I really wanted to talk to him about some pressing issues tonight, but apparently he didn't sleep well last night and now he's crashed out after work. If I let him sleep, he'll be passed out 'til midnight. If I wake him up, he'll be cranky and it won't be productive. Sigh.

What a sucky situation.
As bad as it is to have to sit on questions and possible badness, is this the best time to do this?
Obviously i have no idea but if you're all emotional and this could get ugly, maybe some perspective and timing is in order.
Just a thought.

Seems like you should officially break the lease, and then if he wants to stay there he can start a new one. I'd explain the situation to your landlord and get some kind of official closure on it though, or he could be haunting your credit rating for a long time, and getting over breaking up is hard enough without that kind of crap.

I'd have a talk with the landlord on your own. I don't see how it would be any different than any other roommate moving out from his point of view. If your fiance is bad with money, that's really his problem and will and should be between him and the landlord.

If there is really a serious issue about him not paying, then having both of you try to break the lease is the best thing for your karma, rather than pushing the landlord into near-worst case.

I don't have any advice, but I hope everything works out for the best, desjardins. Big hugs.

You might want to call your landlord and let him/her know what's going on. No landlord is going to be thrilled with the idea that you break the lease, but no landlord wants a huge mess resulting in months of occupancy with nonpayment of rent, either, especially when there is a risk of retaliation (trashing the place) by the tenants. If you guys can get out of the apartment with your rent paid up, leaving it in rentable condition, the landlord really isn't much the worse for it.

The amount of nonpaid rent has to be really high ($10,000+? Around that) for the landlord even to be able to break even in court, in fact - being sued for this is an unusual event. Best to call your landlord immediately, let him know what's going on, and see if there's some compromise you can't work out that will end up being to everyone's benefit, rather than something that'll end in tears for everyone.

Going through a nasty divorce right now, so I'd like to add my sympathy. Just get everything you agree on in writing, because it can get really ugly down the road.

In every apartment I've lived in with a year-long lease (I know, different states, but still), the 'fine' for breaking the lease early was 80% of the next months rent. Not to bad, if you want to get out of there right away.

Alternately, if He (your fiance) is amicable, you might be able to just take your name off the lease with no penalty, provided he's willing to assume the whole thing. Then, if he flakes, there's nothing on your head. I've added people to a lease before, so taking them off should be only a little more difficult.