He's learned to patiently listen and he changes the subject *so* eagerly.

These seem to be conflicting conclusions. You're satisfied with the attention he gives to your emotional issues but, at the same time, he doesn't provide enough actual verbal support and you can tell he's uncomfortable talking about it? Is that right? What is it you'd like him to do exactly?

I guess I wouldn't/don't know how either. Happy birthday, though, btgog. I'm awfully fond of you.

Spouses cannot meet ALL our needs. That's why God gives us women friends. ;-)

Oh, and happy birthday!

Go eat something chocolatey and gooey that you would normally not have.

He seems extremely reluctant when we do talk about stuff, dan. He fidgets and stares into space. I want him to be part of the process, to just be there with me, problem solving.

Check your email, birthday girl.

He's just resentful and thinks I harp on him and criticise him for it all the time, which I probably do.

He's probably exhausted. I don't think this is a gender issue at all, having spent some time in his shoes (as well as yours).

It can be terribly draining dealing with another person's consistent issues, no matter how much you love them. Remember that he has his own goals, dreams, troubles, thoughts, and desires - but he may not feel comfortable sharing them with you, especially if every intimate conversation tends to focus on your needs and problems. He may feel a need to limit his interactions with you to surface content so as not to end up in an uncomfortable scene where each is frustrated with the other. My guess is that he would like some space.

I'm glad you're pursuing therapy and CBT should help with this. Make sure you bring up this dynamic in an early session as one of the things you want to work on.

Sometimes when someone else places an undue burden on us, the safest response is to shut down all emotional channels, because we're afraid that if you leave them open, we'll be drained of our own energy and life force as the needier person attempts to borrow our energy and attention to build greater self-confidence on. Sometimes the struggling person even attempts to blame the partner for their own bad feelings -- saying that their partner is too cold, self-centered, or insensitive.

Unfortunately, there's no such shortcut, because these methods don't work; the partner pulls away, and the struggling person steps forward, and the partner pulls away again, until there's a blowup. A terrible dynamic; but the end of it has to start with you, not him.

The only way to be at peace with yourself is to work on your own self-image by developing a positive image of yourself through appreciating your own gifts, taking credit for your own accomplishments, and setting and meeting challenges. Your spouse can't do any of this work for you; it's just impossible.

In an ideal world, he'd say "I love you and admire what you're doing, and I'm here for you," but if he's someone who has had trouble setting boundaries in the past, and it sounds like maybe he has, then he may not see it as a possibility to offer you an appropriate amount of support without opening the floodgates and findng himself taking on more emotional work than he can handle, given the fact that he also has his own life to lead.

He may indeed have issues with communication and the healthy expression of emotion. But those are his to deal with, and if they remain a problem he probably will address them one day. YOu have your own problems to deal with; don't take on any you think he might have. Focus on yourself. If you need greater support, start putting systems in place; you have your therapist and I bet s/he has a crisis line, you have this place, there are also other forums you can look into to unburden your heart and talk about your challenges with other people who will be sympathetic; and cultivating your real-life friendships and positive family relationships should work well. Do things you enjoy, keep a journal.

Try taking this one on your own. It's amazing, but often as we get healthier, our partners and the relationship we have together does, too. You'll be able to see the relationship problems more clearly when the clouds around your own head start to clear.

Thanks for your comments, Miko.

But maybe you folks on that side of the equation should trust us that we're NOT going to drain your energy. It sucks being thought of as an emotional vampire like that. I've done nothing to deserve it. I ask permission before I discuss this matters and I tell him that I don't expect him to solve anything, etc.

Know that I'm doing this work, by myself - it's just sad that he wants to avoid it. It would be very helpful if he'd work on his issues. The fact that he rejects therapy out of hand is a barrier there.

If he's truly exhausted maybe I shouldn't be with him, perhaps that would be better for him.

I think there should be a little guest hostel with little cubicles for all us get-better-ers so we don't disturb the well.

also, I am really sorry that sounds snippy. I am extremely grateful for your time and thoughtfulness. You were one of the people that encouraged me to work on this stuff in earnest in the first place.

Why don't guys talk about their feelings? IMHO, it's just that no one really wants to hear about them. They aren't socially acceptable and delving into that gooey, sticky stuff just doesn't lead to good conclusions. I think many guys would rather keep that stuff mostly to themselves, to work on or not, and approach it at most obliquely with others. For good or bad, I think many guys just want things to go along easily, without dredging up lots of bad stuff.

Why doesn't he want to talk to you about your feelings? A little harder to say without knowing more specifics. Be sure to use "I" statements rather than "You" statements. Be sure you aren't blaming him for things or making him feel worse about himself in the process (I have no idea if this applies at all to your situation or not). Compromise in terms of keeping sessions short and focused (maybe difficult with emotional issues).

Please ignore me if I'm barking up the wrong tree. I've dealt with this issue a lot myself, from the guy side, so I'm sensitized a bit.

An addendum to my email: my partner tends to feel responsible for my feelings, so if I talk about being sad, anxious, etc., he feels like he's supposed to do something about it (even when I tell him he doesn't need to fix it). I think at times he just doesn't want to know because he starts feeling bad about himself.

If he's truly exhausted maybe I shouldn't be with him, perhaps that would be better for him.

This is his decision to make, not yours. He doesn't get to say what's "better" for you, right?

Another way of looking at this would be to see this as an opportunity to become more independent.

An addendum to my email: my partner tends to feel responsible for my feelings, so if I talk about being sad, anxious, etc., he feels like he's supposed to do something about it (even when I tell him he doesn't need to fix it). I think at times he just doesn't want to know because he starts feeling bad about himself.

This happens with my boyfriend, too, and I've been in and out of black holes for our entire relationship. It's taken a long time for both of us to learn that he can't save me.

You may find that your husband has an easier time with concrete ways to help you. Listening (and talking) may not be his strong suit; it may make him uncomfortable, especially as he feels he needs to help you but doesn't know how.

During CBT, my therapist, boyfriend and I came up with specific ideas of things he could do for me. Draw me a bath when I have a panic attack, or just hold my hand when I'm freaking out. Usually these things are not so much about talking, which is a whole different kettle of fish.

Don't think you shouldn't be with him because this is an exhausting situation -- it's exhausting for you and for him, but that's far from him being fed up with you or your relationship.

I hope I don't sound preachy, but I've been in almost the exact same situation and I know how difficult it is.

That said, ((hugs)) and happy birthday.

But maybe you folks on that side of the equation should trust us that we're NOT going to drain your energy. It sucks being thought of as an emotional vampire like that.

It's not that you're being a 'vampire', if he's a introverted programmer type like me then talking directly about feelings is going to be painfully draining for him. It's how we're wired. We can manage to inter-relate but it's not easy or pretty.

Good news. I called my dad, he's agreed to help with grad school costs if I get in..

I would find a 5 mile run exhausting, because I'm not used to exercising. My partner would find a 2 hour serious conversation exhausting, because he's not used to it.

I probably should exercise, because it's healthy and all, but I can't just jump right into a marathon. Plus, although I am physically able to run, I have no clue about form or pacing or any of that, so to an experienced runner, I'd look like an idiot.

Similarly, my partner tends to flail about in any meaningful conversation; he simply doesn't have as much practice as I do.

Telling me I should exercise, especially for someone else's benefit, is not going to motivate me. Besides, as far as I'm concerned, I feel fine. I'm healthy enough and don't need to lose weight. If I don't perceive a problem - in the absence of someone else telling me a problem exists - why should I go through the effort?

This sounds really patronizing and obvious, but I mean it neither way. Constantly changing the subject means he wants to talk about something else. Maybe he doesn't feel like you talk about other stuff. Maybe he reckons he loves and wants to help you, and the way to help someone with something not normal in their life is to supply that normalcy. Maybe it's not how much time you spend talking about what bothers you, but how little time you spend talking about everything else.

He doubtless cares, and he's made a commitment to help you with something that, for all he knows, is out of your reach. Maybe it makes him uncomfortable: it scares him, or moves him to pity (he may find pity a tough emotion so close to love), or, not having emotional problems (or having emotional problems of another kind), despite all the stories he's heard, he still wants it not to be a real problem, just something "in your head," and thus something that he has no evidence beyond your telling him of it, or even that he wishes away to the point of trying to ignore it.

I imagine this issue is a constant source of trouble for you. It may be like a third person in the room; every time he wants to spend time with you, talking to you about the things that interest you (or him, fair's fair), he has to address instead ground he feels he's gone over repeatedly; if he doesn't, the conversation will turn into an argument about how little he cares.

All these maybes are here because I don't know. These are some of the feelings I watched my father grapple with through my mother's depressions and recoveries, and some that I've felt myself in various situations (all of course informed by my own history and thus specific to me and not anyone else).

It takes a lot of work, constant practice and a willingness to help yourself to get past tough issues (in this regard, it's kinda like jogging: you gotta do it every day). It takes the same to help someone else. But only you can predict when you're ready to work on it; he can't, and he may just be missing his timing. That's not his fault, and it's not yours.

My dad's a computer programmer who held a classified job for the Department of Defense. His job required him to speak of relatively inconsequential things at home, and as my mother spun into alcoholism and depression following a bad car accident that left her with a sprained neck and a part-time job that would years later turn into a lay-off just when the kids left the nest; my father found his home, usually a domain of the safely lightweight and blissfully mudane, had become a place where he never listened enough, where he only talked about inanities, where he (and the kids) ignored her feelings. To his credit, he worked very hard to learn to listen, and to her credit, she let him, but it wasn't easy, and it wasn't anyone's fault any more than it was anyone's credit as things became easier.

I guess people are so different and have so many different histories that it's impossible to tell someone, "do this," or "do that," or "you're right, " or "he's wrong," or even that you need more or less support. It's individual, and even your reasons for loving one another are individual. I don't like to give advice because maybes are always more accurate, and even you can only guess at what lies beneath the surfaces: his surface, and even your own.

It's a matter of negotiation: not negotiation as in a barter or a treaty, but as in the entrance to a harbor, or a submerged reef, or a narrow, rocky strait. It's tricky. Good luck.

And happy birthday. All the best, and many happy returns.

First of all, Happy Birthday, BtGoG! And many more!

On the issue of male emotional communication, I've got my own theories, but not the time to elucidate them today. If I did, I expect they'd all boil down to "Every tub sits on its own bottom." Plus, some talk about stoicism, male emotional range, and the inappropriate constraints of modern society on male behavior.

Had any good pillow fights lately?

By the way, BTGOG, (and this is from someone who is the QUEEN of feelings) sometimes the absolute worst thing we can do IS to talk about them, and the best thing to do is talk about something else.

I liken it to picking on a scab. We all wanna do it, but sometimes-just sometimes, if we leave the darn thing alone it goes away.

Another technique I use? I just repeat to myself, that pain is JUST pain. That is all it is. An emotion. A feeling. I can choose to simply experience it and go on. It helps that I can talk to God about it (actually that is the very best advice most of the time!) and then leave it at His feet and go talk about something stupid.

And heaven knows there is plenty of stupid laying around for conversational fodder!

Yes, absolutely - most men feel about problems that they must solve them or fix them instead of just talking about them, which I understand, because I'm mostly like that myself.

I've had to train myself to sometimes just listen to friends and maybe highlight certain details to aid a certain kind of progression in their thought, or to otherwise help them parse things, or just be there to hug them and mix drinks - without constantly offering possible step-by-step solutions. But it's difficult and not natural for me. I do it because I learned (eventually) that this is more often what people are looking for.

My husband and I are very devoted, happy together, rarely argue, etc., and he very rarely has deal with any kinds of emotional issues with me... and even so, once in a blue moon when I do share with him with some sort of insoluble pain or discontent of an emotional nature, I can see the discomfort rolling off him in waves, and I can hear the inside of his head booming OHGODNONONOTTHISAGAIN... even if the last time was like, three years ago.

That can feel unfair, especially when it seems like you have tried very hard to spare him from your darkest feelings, or you have been very, very careful to word things in a way that won't seem like criticism of him, somehow - or, especially, when you have recognized his own feelings of emotional turmoil when they have happened, and have done everything possible to shore him up during that time, without even ever letting on that you're doing anything special...

Yes, I understand. But what I know is that my husband does things for me every single day - in his life, in every action and choice. I know that any little thing I want (not just material things - everything) is a mandate for him. I know that everything that makes me happy means "success" for him... and everything that makes me sad, or scared, or discontent, means he failed - to him. That's kind of terrifying to me, because of course it's not true - he's not responsible for my entire happiness.

But I've realized that he feels like he is. And I think very, very many men feel this way. So this is why I don't feel resentful when he sometimes can't handle what seems to me to be a even a rather puny emotional "presenting".

He is everything to me, yet he can't be my best-friend/therapist combo. The nature of his relationship to me, how he views it (and probably, how I really view it as well) makes it impossible.

I also really, really hope that this terribly shorthand way of describing things for the sake of this conversation doesn't make him sound emotionally distant, because this couldn't be further from the truth. I stop typing now, because there's no way to clarify things further without writing a book, I suspect.

I hug you {{{btgog}}}. I think your husband probably adores you, as we all do - but feels helpless. Don't imagine that means he doesn't care. Also...

SCARY PENGUIN WISHES YOU HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

≡ Click to see image ≡

Boys tend to be socialized not to have feelings. In a nutshell, feelings are equated with weakness, weakness makes you an easy target. Being an easy target is hell.

It took me years to sort *that* out.

Then there's the issue of understanding what the talkee wants from you the listener. Most of the time, Mrs. Plinth and I have to be specific to say, "I'm not looking for a fix, just acknowledgment."

By the Grace of God, hello... me? I have much of the same difficulties talking through my problems with my boyfriend. He gets as far as recognizing my feelings and asking what he can do to help me. But his idea of helping is going to buy soup or chocolate or drawing a bath and does not extend to what I really need- the talking through of things. I don't have the heart to force him stay with me in my misery. So I have pretty much learned to take bunnyfire's advice and utilize my girlfriends and a bottle of wine.

I've also kind of decided that this male/female emotional disconnect is inevitable necessary. I have been on the other side of this problem, in a 3 year relationship with a man who needed to talk endlessly about our (many) emotional issues and I must say I prefer my stereotypically stoic alpha male with all our differences. I never thought I would be so willing to put things down to gender differences but here I am.

Happy birthday sister! I don't want to hijack your thread but it is my birthday too! August13w00t!

You don't sound snippy, Grace. You sound like a person working to understand things and feel better. For what it's worth, *I* admire you and think you're brave, honest, smart and doing great things. You can get through the low times!

There are some very wise, insightful comments in this thread, thank you all. MetaChat is an excellent resource of kind, intelligent people.

Happy birthday, bobobox and btgog!

(Despite being a man with feelings, I don't feel very well-equipped to discuss the topic.)

his idea of helping is going to buy soup or chocolate or drawing a bath and does not extend to what I really need- the talking through of things.

It's partially a languages of love thing, too. That stuff bobobox just listed? I so enjoy that way of expressive love. I would FAR rather have that from my partner than hours of deep, emotional conversation, however they hoped it would support me. I'm one that would rather express and accept love delivered through action than through words. But that's a highly individual thing, and mismatches in preference can be overcome quite well by learning how to express what you want directly.

I never thought I would be so willing to put things down to gender differences.

I don't think it really is gender difference so much; or at least, adhering to stereotypical gender roles is not necessarily a prescription for healthy relationships for everyone (though it works well for you, b, and it does for lots of people). It's all about what your emotional education was growing up. A lot of men got the messages about clamming up and stuffing it in, but a lot of them didn't, and meanwhile, a lot of women did.

Each relationship you'll ever be in is a unique blend of two conversational styles and two styles of dealing with problems, cultivated over a lifetime's learning. Gender role training can help to explain why people act the way they do, but it's not always the culprit. It's not a full explanation, and it doesn't mean that behavior is inevitable; otherwise there would be only type of guy and one type of gal and they'd all handle emotions the same way according to gender; and yet we know that's not the case.

People are very different and so are their relationships. Bridging a gap in communication style is always going to be challenging. Too many people have settled into bad relationships in this world because they thought 'that's just the way [opposite sex] is,' when really, it was just the way their SO at the time was.

It makes me speculate that our stereotyping of communication as gendered behavior is just really self-reinforcing and self-fulfilling. If you're a woman who needs lots of talking and emotional support, in a relationship with a man who's more reserved, the broader society will largely support you with reams of lore and personal anecdote, because that's been the general prescription; we've been working with that stereotype for centuries, and so it looks like it's always true, because wherever you look you'll find some evidence supporting it. Which means that when you have that experience yourself, millions will nod their heads and say "yes, that's women/men for ya."

But in fact, that simplified understanding of how relationships work breaks down when you consider the individual relationships of people you know, especially if you know people of varied ages, classes, lifestyles, and backgrounds. They're all different. There are some broad patterns, it's true, but nothing like major predictors. If the stoic/reserved emotional role is male, then I'm male. If the nurturer role is female, then my grandfather was female. My father was extremely reserved and unexpressive until he had a major health scare ten years ago, upon which he re-evaluated and became much more communicative and loving. And so on. The gender stereotype breaks down as a monolithic construct, and comes down to personal upbringing (which includes but is not limited to gender role training), life experience, and history.

I'm never very good at answering this type of question because I find it so hard to talk about my own feelings. But I remember how closed off my husband was from any kind of emotional intimacy - partly through his drug addiction and partly through a fairly repressive Dagenham-Irish Catholic upbringing.

After I sobered up, in the last two years of our marriage, I tried to reach out to him, and saw the panic and fear in his eyes whenever I wanted to talk about anything other than the mundane. He couldn't do it, he lacked the emotional tools himself.

I have no clue what to say to you, except that I know what a lonely place it can be to have such distance from the person to whom you should feel so close.

Oh and that I love you, dear girl. You are a rare and beautiful spirit, never forget that.

Seconding everything Miko just said. (And said extremely well.)

I was recently reading a book on anger expression (geared toward helping people who tend to suppress it) that had, at the end, separate chapters on masculine and feminine anger, though the authors went to great lengths to point out that many women express anger in stereotypically "male" ways and many men express anger in stereotypically "female" ways. Anyway. The author of the masculine chapter made the really interesting point that men are "supposed" to be stoic and unemotional -- except when they're angry or sexually attracted to someone, at which point they're "supposed" to be completely unable to control their emotions. And we tend to hold up those emotional expressions as manly (while getting uncomfortable with others).

At the same time (and this is me analyzing now, not the book I read), women are traditionally "supposed" to be emotionally expressive in every way except in anger or in lust. And I can't help thinking, when I see a split like that, that it's less a set-in-stone gender issue and more a "We look to 'the Other' to express those things that we feel we can't express ourselves." Men express the anger and lust in society, women express the rest of it.

And that's starting to break down, which is good, because I don't think it's all that healthy to tell everyone they have to be a half human being in order to successfully pair up with other half human beings. It'd be nice if we could all be whole, and pair up (or not) because we wanted to, not because we needed to in order to have someone on whom to project our own lacks.

Anyway. That was possibly not helpful. Concrete advice? Try to accept your SO for who he is and what he *can* give, and it sounds like what he can give might be a respite from your anxiety or problems. One of the things I think CBT emphasizes, and something a therapist once said to me, is "Do more of what makes you feel better, and less of what makes you feel worse." I would imagine (though of course I'm not you, BtGoG) that it could be helpful to have times when you can just be, when you can laugh and goof around and talk about something that's not your problems. Can you let your boyfriend help you find those times?

Not to say you don't also need times to talk about what's wrong, and work through that, but it sounds like, for now, that may be best approached with a therapist, or someone who (as taz so wonderfully described) is not as wrapped up and invested in your personal well-being as your partner probably is.

One of the things I think CBT emphasizes, and something a therapist once said to me, is "Do more of what makes you feel better, and less of what makes you feel worse."

Such an important life lesson.

Such an important life lesson.

Sigh. That therapist rocked, and she was the straw-on-the-camel's-back inspiration that pushed me into pursuing therapy as a career. I miss her.

I don't think it's all that healthy to tell everyone they have to be a half human being in order to successfully pair up with other half human beings.

Beautifully said. And second TPS about the life lesson...that little quote from the therapist epitomizes what I love so much about CBT, the simplicity and straightforwardness of hearing "Here's another way to think." The "well, um...yeah, duh," moments that I, for one, am so in need of.

More of what makes you feel better. That's good advice, all right.

Lot's of good advice above.

I tell him to be engaged with the process, just to be mindful of the emotional matters, but that doesn't work. He's just resentful and thinks I harp on him and criticise him for it all the time, which I probably do. Male bunnies, is there any solution to this?

Well, you asked for a male perspective. "Sharing" with a subtext of criticism is a thing a lot of guys, frankly, hate. I guess that is because it's not emotionally sustainable to be supportive and getting lambasted at the same time. You can't do that without starting to feel like shit in the long run.
A lot of guys do not have the penchant for analysing why these emotional dynamics do not work but feel obligated because of the 'you should support your woman' imperative. So the emotional dynamics get a bit too complicated. A lot guys then simplify things by just shutting off.

It's a bit of a black and white picture and maybe I misread the quoted sentence. Anyhow, you asked for a solution: Start focusing on things you like. Plan some time doing things together. Simplify.
Enjoy your birthday.

Hah! Today's my birthday too!!

As for the emotional thing. I have that problem. When I make suggestions for solving my girlfriend's problems, she will accuse me of not understanding where she's coming from or worse, as criticism...which makes me a problem as well.

So now I tend listen and answer her questions as neutrally as possible. I just don't want to discuss her outfit, shoes or her problems with her boss everyday, especially when I know that voicing my opinion will not be taken in the spirit that it's meant. I find it frustrating.

I strive to keep what I call a 'wu-wei mind' IOW, to go with the flow, stay open, empty and react to things naturally, instinctively. My girlfriend takes this as stoiacism or apathy, which simply isn't true!

We do better when we're discussing a third party.

Happy Birthday BtGoG!

What I've noticed [and this will fit in with and against Miko's remarks here] through the associations I've had with girlfriends and girl friends is that women have a certain way of talking about their feelings that men don't have. I've seen several instances in this thread of people saying men don't have feelings, which is wrong. For me, I don't talk about my feelings unless someone asks. I don't interpret lack of asking as non-interest in my feelings; I think that women are used to talking about such things without the need to be asked. What I'm getting at is that there might be an expectation on each of your parts that the other will behave in the way that they're used to.

I agree with Miko's last paragraph in concept, but I don't think it is actualized very often, because emotions necessarily prevent an objective examination of the mechanism in which they are communicated. They aren't reasonable.

Of course, this is how I deal with my emotions, for the most part. I don't communicate them [unless asked] but objectify them and deal with them rationally. So, when someone does ask about them, I sense incipient boredom right off the bat because I've got them controlled and analyzed to such a point that I don't talk about them in a way that has been interesting to the female friends I've had.

Communicating emotions with my male friends is much different. No one asks, because most of the time there is no need to. The correct type of space is automatically defined and given. The male emotional empathy is so strong. The most outreach I ever give or have been given usually consist of "Are you alright, man?" "Okay, if you need to talk, I'm around." This is kind of sad to me since the definition of "American Male" is so simultaneously rigid and nebulous; emotionally dangerous, that any wavering from the macho bravado is "gay."

That is all probably over-simplified, Men are from Mars crap, but like I said before, so many people buy into that paradigm that it has some utility.

If I'm supposed to give a suggestion, I suggest having a conversation with him or your therapist about the differences in how men and women communicate their emotions. NOT about the differences between how you and he communicate yet. I'd start with the macrocosm and work toward the micro. You might have a shot at some good insights if personality remains removed from the conversation. You could very well be venturing the kind of territory that he's more comfortable communicating in. I think you were on the right track with asking him to think about it in terms of a computer program, but I think you should be the one attempting to think of it in such terms. Instead of asking him to understand, you'll be giving him understanding. Plus, thinking about your emotions in different ways might lead to some insights.

I'm sorry if this long post sounds preachy or arrogant, it is meant with goodwill, but I'm way too cerebral at times.

Well, as usual, Miko has said pretty much everything that matters already, but here's my (male) perspective on the whole thing. First of all, I absolutely believe that males and females are simply wired differently and that the two can never truly understand each other in the way that females have that "best friend" bond with other females. Men do the same thing too but, rather than dissecting every nuance of their feelings, will internally debate and analyse what is going on with them and the only external sign is what seems like shallow comments that indicate things are not going well. No matter how much you dig, we ain't gonna let it out the way your girlfriend does. This, I believe, is why men are often criticised for being emotionally immature and why women are often criticised for being too emotional. We are constantly expecting each other to be what they are incapable of. There is a continuum of course, and some women are less capable of sharing everything and some men are better but, in general, that's how it is.

He promised me he'd help me with this stuff before we got hitched. I guess he doesn't know how. Should I forgive him and let him go from my hope of help? If I do this, will it make me distant from him? I'm worried that if I go towards healing in a solitary fashion I won't be able to stay with him.
More likely than he "doesn't know how" is that he is helping you in the bet way he can. We males are simple creatures - dealing with complicated things like feelings that pour out raw and honestly frightens the crap out of us and we have no idea what to say or do about it all.

Why don't guys talk about their feelings? IMHO, it's just that no one really wants to hear about them. They aren't socially acceptable and delving into that gooey, sticky stuff just doesn't lead to good conclusions. I think many guys would rather keep that stuff mostly to themselves, to work on or not, and approach it at most obliquely with others. For good or bad, I think many guys just want things to go along easily, without dredging up lots of bad stuff.
Absolutely. Maybe one day, men will be able to be best friends with women and they can share that special bond that women seem to have where they can share their innermost feelings with each other fully and frankly, but I doubt it.

From my perspective, men don't talk about their feelings because we have been conditioned from birth not to - to do so marks you as less manly, as weak. Much of this is subtle and (I hope) accidental, but it's there in every portrayal of male role models anywhere in the world. I guess this is something that is slowly changing, but it will be many generations before anything significant changes beyond the current situation where males now acknowledge that they should talk about their feelings more, while having no idea how to do so.

Further to this, I'm not sure how old your partner is, but any male who is now over 35 or so would have learned the lesson early and hard that, if you expose your true feelings to the world, the world will punish you for it. This attitude is changing (on the surface, at least), but for those of us who grew up in the 60s and 70s (or earlier), this is a fact of life. That kind of conditioning is hard to shake and it only takes one smack in the face to set any progress back to the beginning for us.

Some talk about stoicism, male emotional range, and the inappropriate constraints of modern society on male behavior.
A somewhat glib and depressing, but accurate snapshot, I think.

Really, my belief is that men are often expected to do things which they simply can't. That doesn't help you, of course, but I don't know what else to say. If you were here, I would make you a cup of green tea and give you a head massage, because men are good at providing physical solutions to emotional problems, but not much else.

I can sense that you are in a world of hurt and confusion over this and I wish I could make it go away for you, because I like you and I hope you can find the path that will lead you to where you want to be.

Re-reading this and adding in the context of other things I have said here, I seem to come of as some sort of woman-hater but, in reality, I much prefer the company of women to men and find it very difficult to be friends with men. Sometimes I feel I am too far down that continuum to truly connect with males, but not far enough to connect with females. Probably why I have never really had friends until I started hanging out here.

My experience has been so different -- the men and women I know, my own extended family and other people I've been close to, are not that unlike each other.

Some of my friends -- male and female -- talk about their feelings. Others don't much.

I don't talk about my own much either. I might do so more if I had a different set of friends, but as it is there's hardly anyone I'm on emotional-processing terms with, and no one at all in a compatible time zone. Right now, if I urgently wanted to talk something through face to face with a friend rather than a therapist, the person I'd probably call is a guy.

I grinned at sciurus's "Are you alright, man?" because sometimes I've said similar things to relatively laconic but clearly agitated friends, male and female. It hasn't been too difficult to interpret responses like "It hasn't been one of my better days" as "Everything sucks right now, and I'm not going to unload on you but I really appreciate your asking."

Intuitively, I'm inclined to agree with occhiblu that people tend to gravitate towards others to express what they can't. But I'll add that I think that kind of specialization tends to engender (pun intended) a pervasive attitude I'm not sure how to describe: patronizing admiration, maybe? It's ostensibly affectionate, but it makes me terribly uncomfortable.

In short, I couldn't disagree more fervently with the "wired differently" camp. However, I'll readily agree that balance, compared to women, men in our culture get much less practice or social support for talking about feelings. I think that suffices to explain the intense discomfort so many men report. I don't think there's any need to resort to essentialist ("wired that way") arguments.

But I'm sorry, BTGOG -- this was originally about you, and I can't offer much advice but here's a hug and I hope you're feeling better soon.

If he's a programmer maybe he's semi-Asperger's and is just not wired that way.

Anyway, Miko is spot on.

Thanks very much for your comments, everyone. I am trying to appreciate my other half for accepting me as I am even though he can't provide much support..

....one of THE hardest lessons in the Tao of marraige is accepting that he cannot complete you, he cannot be everything you need... and still wanting to be with him.

great advice above, just to echo there are other resources you need to cultivate, friends, therapist etc., to spread around the love a little. You deserve to be loved and admired, every woman does. Why that has to come from one individual I've always thought was a little unfair on the men in our lives