MetaChat - Officer Baby needs some new catchphrases!

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10 July 2007

Officer Baby needs some new catchphrases! Help me think of some.→[More:]

Infants are boring. It's a fact. One way to make them more interesting is to dress 'em up funny. My current favorite is a little onesie printed to look like a police uniform. Dressed up like this, Officer Baby can:

*Identify his sister as a "perp" and chase her around the house in an attempt to "collar" her.

*Inform his father that his "renegade ways" are going to "bring down the whole damn department!"

*Refer to his dirty diaper as "having a situation down here" and summon his father to change it by "calling for back-up."

*Declare, repeatedly, that his "too old for this shit."

But we need some new material. What fun things should I have Officer Baby do and say?

post by: jrossi4r at: 10:52 | 28 comments

omg, those are so funny.

posted by auntbunny 10 July | 10:54

*Drink too much at the bar after work because the old lady just "doesn't understand what I go through."

posted by mullacc 10 July | 10:56

A little 'respect my authoritie!' always goes over well. The classics, you know.

posted by chuckdarwin 10 July | 10:57

Ask the waitress at the diner to put a little coffee in his milk next time.
These are great!

posted by Joe Invisible 10 July | 10:59

"From now on I demand donuts with every feeding. The powdery ones. And I'm not paying for them."

"This code of silence thing blows. The next time one of you pinches my cheeks I'm gonna sing like a bird."

"Yippee Ki-yay, Motherfucker!" (or Mommy)

posted by iconomy 10 July | 11:16

I don't know about Officer Baby, but I do know that the best thing you can do with a baby is play Baby Air Guitar. Pick up that baby and strum him like a guitar (the strings would be, of course, right at his tummy and a D chord involves his nose as well) while you jump around and make suitable air guitar noises; Stairway to Heaven and Bohemian Rhapsody, belted quite loud, are both excellent choices. The baby will enjoy it tremendously and it breaks the ice at parties. Also, I managed to teach both my kids to sing the Beach Boys song Barbara Ann before they learned to talk - ba ba ba, ba ba ba!

posted by mygothlaundry 10 July | 11:17

You have to refer to everything as alleged.
You have to investigate.
Somebody should get read their rights.

I love this thread. Allegedly.

posted by theora55 10 July | 11:35

Officer Baby is awesome!

After backup arrives: "Nothing to see here. Move along"

posted by danostuporstar 10 July | 11:39

*Point at the latch on your nursing bra and demand "Drop it, scumbag!"
/sorry

posted by danostuporstar 10 July | 11:43

The next time dad's changing his diaper and hoping he doesn't find a surprise:

"Do you feel lucky today, punk? Well do ya?"

posted by iconomy 10 July | 11:50

actually what's in his diaper should be reffered to as 'evidence.'

posted by jonmc 10 July | 11:52

Following on from iconomy:
"The thing you have to ask yourself, I mean really ask yourself, is did I go poop-poop six times today or was it only five. So, do you feel lucky, punk..."

posted by seanyboy 10 July | 12:03

actually what's in his diaper should be reffered to as 'evidence.'

Only number 1s should be referred to as evidence. Number 2s should be referred to as "hard evidence".

posted by seanyboy 10 July | 12:04

Move your hands away from the tickling position and put them where I can see them.

posted by seanyboy 10 July | 12:07

Speaking to the baby:
"Who's a woochy coochy boo. Who doesn't care what da big paper pushing men in city hall say."

posted by seanyboy 10 July | 12:10

When someone's about to clean or otherwise touch his peen, for any reason:

"Go ahead. Make my day."

( I couldn't even type that without laughing...)

posted by iconomy 10 July | 12:12

When Officer Baby grows out of the onesie, he should say "Today I am retiring. But I think I will go out and solve just one more case. What could go wrong?"

posted by mike9322 10 July | 12:15

"They pull a rattle, you pull a pacifier. They put one a yours in the playpen, you put one a theirs in the crib. That's the Chicago way."

posted by Hugh Janus 10 July | 12:20

Or, if you want some of questionable taste:

"Hey, listen to me. I'm the boss, not Aunt Wendy. When it's your time to use the bathroom, you tell Aunt Wendy to get the fuck out of the bathroom! What are you, men or mice? She's hoggin' the bathroom - call me! Call me, and I'll throw her the fuck out!"

"I'm sorry, Lord. I've done so many bad things."

"I'd like to blow your fuckin' face apart."

"Show me how you suck a guy's bottle."

Hey, blame Harvey Keitel, not me!

posted by Hugh Janus 10 July | 12:27

Oh god. You people are making me pee myself. I knew I could count on you. Every single one of these is great. Officer Baby approves.

I should also mention that he is quite bald and extraordinarily fat (18+ lbs.) and therefore looks quite convincingly like a grizzled lieutenant gone soft from too much desk duty.

on preview: I find it wise to blame Harvey Keitel for everything Hugh. Lorraine Bracco-style.

posted by jrossi4r 10 July | 12:31

Too much desk duty?

How about:

"I don't give a fuck, Riggs. That's why I don't have an ulcer, because I know when to say "I don't give a fuck."

"Murtaugh, all that damage you caused downtown is comin' out of the department's budget!"

"This is one of the most painful fuckin' experiences of my life."

posted by Hugh Janus 10 July | 12:40

"I think we can handle one little girl. I sent two units, they're bringing her down now."

"I'm just doing my job. You give me that "juris-my-dick-tion" crap... you can cram it up your ass."

posted by Hugh Janus 10 July | 12:51

No officer baby, your men are already late for nappy time.

posted by Capn 10 July | 12:53

"I know what you're thinking. Did he fire six shots or only five? Well, to tell you the truth, in all this excitement, I pooed in my diapers and have kinda lost track myself..."

"Excessive use of force, captain? More like 'excessive use of adorable!'"

"Try me punk, I'm a little on edge today - I missed my afternoon nappies."

"That's officer poopy-pants to you."

"No milk for me, mam, I'm on duty."

"Tripps, you solve this one and I'll shave off my mustache."

"I'll let you off the hook this time, but only cuz I'm not gassy today."

"Cute am I? I'm just following orders."

"Not that old yarn...Do I look like I was born yesterday, lady?"

(while sleeping) "Officer down!"

Nap time - an 804
Poopy diapers - a 502
Mom's boobs - "donut shop"

Maybe you could do gangster baby next, see?

posted by Hellbient 10 July | 15:16

*hearts hellbient*

posted by Specklet 10 July | 15:23

You can use this until Officer Baby is 30, and beyond, "Let's be careful out there"

posted by theora55 10 July | 16:51

Officer things you MUST NOT do with babbie:
- make babbie jump across bonnet of car.
- show babbie how to dip fingers in white powder and taste.
- teach babbie how to pistol whip detainees
- buy babbie white stetson and teach him how to speak with a southern drawl.

posted by seanyboy 10 July | 17:24

Also, Judge Dredd has good quotes.

"I am the law! Put down your weapons and prepare to be judged."

Judge Dredd: Mega City municipal code 542: illegal use of city electricity.
[rubs a hot wire on Mean Machine's arm]
Judge Dredd: How do you plead?

And, "You betrayed the law!" - This has to be gutturally shouted.

posted by seanyboy 10 July | 17:27

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