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17 April 2007
I've never broken up with anyone before. Why does it feel just as bad as being dumped? →[More:]I feel awful. This woman really cares for me, and I for her, but I just didn't feel like we were right for eachother. We had the talk last night at Powells. I feel awful and heartbroken. Did I mention awful?
I felt the same way when I broke up with my last girlfriend. To me, anyway, I feel like I've let someone down, broken her trust. And then suddenly not to have that person around anymore, it's almost like someone died. You'll get over it in time, though.
Yeah. There is a natural grief to it. You both had high hopes going into it, and the hopes have to be laid to rest.
In a way, it's harder to be the breaker-upper. None of us want to hurt someone. But if you know there would have been greater hurt to either of you down the road by continuing, you did the right thing, hard as it is.
I'm so sorry. Treat yourself well in the meantime, and soon, I hope something wonderful happens for you.
It's hard. . .Powells has been the scene for some drama for me, also. I can't go into the Purple Room without a lot of sadness. . .
*hug*. . .I hope both of you heal, in time. She has the luxury of righteous anger and an easier time for getting support from friends, if that is a consolation for you.
Grief is exactly right -- it's the death of a relationship. I can think of relationships that haven't worked out where one or both of us was pretty sad and/or hurt.
And essexjan, with all due respect, I suggest that's not necessarily true. The not-much-longer-Missus Pax was often less than warm and supportive, but it's taken me the better part of three years to deal with the process and the oncoming change in status. And I don't think her apparent control issues are born of the sort of indifference I'd associate with "...without a backward glance."
Long-winded but hopefully sagely or at least poignant advice:
Chances are she'll rebound more quickly than you think. Then she'll want to be friends. You'll hang out a lot, things will feel SO much more relaxed, and then, in a moment of foolish drunken lonely weakness (comma omitted purposely) you'll ask her if you can give it a shot again and she'll proudly announce that she's dating someone else seriously.
You'll be temporarily depressed, but eventually happy, you didn't get back together.
But you'll still feel slightly jealous if she's in a fantastic relationship, simply because, in moments of severe alone-ness, you'll think, "Why couldn't we have been as happy together as they are now?"
Eventually even the friendship will fade away as she's caught up in dating the other, and you'll be bummed about that.
Eventually, or concurrently, you'll be happy for her.
Eventually you'll be that happy too.
(I hope my most recent ex isn't reading this. She used to read my 'Net posts, but I don't think she cares anymore.)
I've never broken up with anyone before. Why does it feel just as bad as being dumped?
Because you have a heart. It's obvious that you are a caring person, genuinely not looking to hurt anyone, and sad over the demise of the relationship. Says a lot about your character. You're a good man, and the next woman you date will be lucky to have you.
As someone with (slightly embarrassingly) extensive experience as both dumper and dumpee, I'm going to have to chime in with a little disagreement here.
Although it is without doubt surprisingly difficult and painful to break up with someone, it's important not to lose sight of the fact that it is more difficult and painful for the broken than the breaker.
I think it depends on the personalities. It's more difficult for me to be the breaker, though it's more weepy to be the breakee. They are different kinds of sadness.
I feel awful for you, pi, because yes, it does feel awful.
I personally don't think it feels as bad as being dumped, but it feels bad in a whole new exciting different way. (uuuugh)
This may sound crass today, and I don't mean it to. . .but in the future, if (forbid!) you are ever on the receiving end of a break up in the future, you'll have a little better insight and empathy for the dumper and probably be able to rebound from that quicker/stronger/better than you have in the past.
awww pi, i'm sorry! i've hugs and plenty to spare, so you're welcome to them!
yea what dersins said, every bit.
several years ago now (god it feels like so recently!) i had to be the one to have 'the talk' at the end of my ten-year LTR... i think we both knew the writing was on the wall, but gah. soooo much guilt. and to make things worse, i'm the sort who can't handle emotional displays AT ALL so i get all quiet and logical. my x, however, is a big old extrovert heart-on-his-sleeve fella, and having him in tears of rage at me for being 'such a coldhearted bitch!!'... that's what hurt the worst, really. i honestly thought there was something majorly busted in my brain / heart / whatever, because at the time i didn't feel anything but numb. in restrospect, the hurt and guilt and enormous hole in my life (TEN YEARS!!!) was just too much for a plain old ben and jerry's bawl-fest with the girlfriends. now, i've been the dumpee in some messy breakups but for me having to actually do the deed was far, far worse.
Pie, it hurts now, but denying your true feelings in order to make her happy, or to avoid dumping her, would be more damaging to your emotional being in the long term.
Good for you for taking action sooner rather than later. There's someone right for you out there.
I broke up with a dude once, and the worst part was I did it on the last night of a "weekend away" together - I just couldn't stand being around him any more. The next day, I saw him out at the local with another girl. I didn't hesitate to get really really drunk that night, nor the night after (when they officially "hooked up"). I was upset that he wasn't upset, you know? He just went right out and started seeing someone else, with less than 48 hours break.
Luckily, a friend of mine was there to console me. That friend is now my fiance, so I'm glad I dumped that guy when I did.
The next day, I saw him out at the local with another girl.
One of her parting comments to me was "I don't think you should go another two years without dating someone." (this has been my pattern between relationships) "...I'd hate to think of you having a profile up on match for a year and a half and not meeting anyone."
Reading shane's stages of post-relationship, I feel like I went through the same process after my last relationship, only out of order, in a shorter period of time, and with some of them happening at the same time.
pie, that's very sweet what she said to you. It's probably true, too. Relationships are hard, they really are, in so many ways, but pat yourself on the back for being brave enough to try, to learn, to refine your understanding, to remain true to yourself while treating someone else with honesty, and to keep trying.
Still, it's better than hoping things will get better and lying to yourself about being unhappy, and letting it drag on so long that it's a major trauma when you finally can't take it anymore.
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