MetaChat - What are you supposed to say?

Say "I get that a lot. I'm a manicurist." ;>

posted by Pips 19 February | 22:29

That was me actually.

posted by jonmc 19 February | 22:31

How weird and condescending.

I.... would want to say something, but I honestly can't think of anything that doesn't also make it weird for your daughter. I... just don't know. How weird.

I mean, was he assuming you were actually a hired worker, or did he mean the work you do as a mom? Why would it even matter, I guess. I'm just... I have no idea what would motivate someone to make that particular remark. I'm weirded out.

posted by occhiblu 19 February | 22:34

well... how do feel about what he said?
I work with the DD population, and myownself would be mildly ticked off by it, but not so much that I would care to respond with more than a shrug.
So... it is an individualistic response, anything short of an overly dramatic responses is appropriate.

posted by edgeways 19 February | 22:35

Also, I think I would probably just give him a look that hopefully conveyed all of the above. A sort of politely confused "WTF?"

posted by occhiblu 19 February | 22:35

I have no idea what would motivate someone to make that particular remark.

Misguided (and rather condescending) idea of kindness.

posted by jonmc 19 February | 22:37

Yeah, I get that, but it's so misguided that I can't quite figure out where the train of thought took the wrong turn.

posted by occhiblu 19 February | 22:46

Maybe it was somebody who hasn't had much exposure to disabled people and assumes that they're all taken care of by 'handlers.' Maybe, saying 'that's my daughter,' with a mildly annoyed look might've given him an opportunity to rethink his assumptions.

posted by jonmc 19 February | 22:49

Some people have the idea that caring for people who have a disability is a huge burden, and worthy of automatic praise. When in reality, sometimes it is hard, sometimes it is easy, sometimes it is tedious, sometimes fun. Appreciation is appreciated, but only when it is needed which requires more than a blanket assumption that because you are a caretaker you are an angel. I think part of what they are saying comes from a genuine, if misguided, place. For me the annoyance would have come from the religious aspects as well as the assumptive part.

posted by edgeways 19 February | 23:03

I honestly have no idea what his motivation was.

I prefer to think that God told him I needed an "attaboy".

It really was him drifting by and saying that. I have no idea what he was assuming or seeing. He was fairly low on the creepy factor and didn't appear to want to engage me in a conversation, and I was too busy enjoying lunch with my daughter.

It's just been a head-scratcher.

posted by plinth 19 February | 23:08

Oh by the way occhiblu - dad, not mom. Although, oddly enough my daughter calls me mommy-daddy when she's really excited or really wants something badly.

posted by plinth 19 February | 23:10

Some people have the idea that caring for people who have a disability is a huge burden, and worthy of automatic praise. When in reality, sometimes it is hard, sometimes it is easy, sometimes it is tedious, sometimes fun. Appreciation is appreciated, but only when it is needed which requires more than a blanket assumption that because you are a caretaker you are an angel. I think part of what they are saying comes from a genuine, if misguided, place. For me the annoyance would have come from the religious aspects as well as the assumptive part.

posted by edgeways 19 February | 23:11

Sorry for the gender confusion! Sexist assumptions about caretakers on my part. :(

posted by occhiblu 19 February | 23:12

I think "thank you" is the right thing to say.

I try not to assume about other people's experiences. For all you know, that person might be a neurologist. Or have a different-needs kid of his own. Or maybe just was thinking of your extra burden while he was sitting there eating at the food court.

I know that when I see a young one in my neurology clinic, the parents might have gone through or maybe are still going through a harrowing time. I try to err on the side of giving more support and encouragement, rather than less.

posted by ikkyu2 20 February | 00:36

Yeah, but it would be nice if people could do so without implying it requires supernatural help to want to care for one's own kids. The motivation behind the comment may be great, but the comment is still really weird.

posted by occhiblu 20 February | 01:30

I wouldn't respond at all. Unless you're so inclined, the god squad is everywhere and they like to 'tell' people of the 'word' or whatever. I think that's where they're coming from.
A simple 'peace' is sufficient.

posted by alicesshoe 20 February | 01:44

Say, "hey buddy, put your money where your mouth is!"

heh. Just kidding. He seems confused, we're just not sure in what way... I would bet that there is something in his own experience that led him to view the scene in a certain light. At any rate, he was trying to express support, however misguided, so I would say maybe just respond with a slightly surprised look and a "stranger smile". (you know - that smile you use with strangers when acknowledging something - like you both reach for the same item at the same time, or both witness a funny incident, etc.)

posted by taz 20 February | 02:00

I wonder about something like, "Yes, I'm really blessed," or "I'm so grateful for what I have." Or even, "We're so lucky." Something that turns your daughter back into a gift rather than a burden.

posted by occhiblu 20 February | 03:18

You could throw the horns and say, "Rock on!"
And maybe add a "dude" or two.

posted by ooga_booga 20 February | 04:02

Coming from a different background I didn't find this weird at all. But Ireland is different place by anyone's reckoning! Although people are not as religious as the religious in the US ( seriously it's an ethnic thing rather than a religious thing) I still find my atheist self saying God Bless instead of Goodbye when I'm on the phone back home.
Mentally disabled people were known in Irish as "Blessed by God".
My response would have been "thanks". An expression of kindness however old-fashioned it seems is still just that, although I do get that some people would be weired out by both the automatic assumption that you are her carer, as well as the religious overtones.

posted by Wilder 20 February | 04:08

Or maybe, God forgive you for the work you do, stranger.
/semi facetious

posted by asok 20 February | 04:17

The best answer is "And God bless you too!" He's got some assumptions, but he means well. It's a teachable opportunity: if you see him again next time you're chowin' down, invite him for a coffee - then he can see the personhood of your daughter, and of you.

posted by By the Grace of God 20 February | 04:33

Some people just want to be kind and are clumsy at it.

Maybe just take it for what he meant and not what he said???

posted by bunnyfire 20 February | 14:09

19 February 2007