"Difficult Decisions Involving a 3-Hour Pornographic Epic Starring Whoopi Goldberg and Randy Quaid", by COBRA! .→[More:]

1. Would you rather watch both Dr. Doolittle movies and both Nutty Professor movies, all back-to-back, or watch a 3-hour pornographic epic starring Whoopi Goldberg and Randy Quaid?

2. If offered $80,000 to direct a 3-hour pornographic epic starring Whoopi Goldberg and Randy Quaid (and you have to make a good-faith effort to make it as XXX as possible, no soft-pedaling), would you do it? You have to use your real name in the credits, and the title screen of the movie will read "Makin' Whoopi! A [your name]film."

3. Suppose a press gang forces you onto the production crew of a 3-hour pornographic epic starring Whoopi Goldberg and Randy Quaid. You are given the limited choice, however, of being the cinematographer, meaning that you have to do all of the filming (but with relative anonymity), or being an Executive Producer who won't have to be on the set every day, but whose name will be used extensively in the marketing materials and who would have to do media appearances hyping the movie. Which do you choose?

4. In situation #3, how about if you were offered a third option, that of being an uncredited bit player who appears in every scene as the unlucky person who always happens to be in the room while Whoopi and/or Randy get it on?

5. If you could save one starving child in a developing country each time you watched a 3-hour pornographic epic starring Whoopi Goldberg and Randy Quaid, how many times would you watch it?

6. Suppose you are given the following terrible choice: either actor Jeff Goldblum is castrated or you must watch a 3-hour pornographic epic starring Whoopi Goldberg and Randy Quaid every day for the rest of your life. Does Goldblum remain intact?

7. If you heard it through the grapevine that the person you had just started dating had once appeared in a 3-hour pornographic epic starring Whoopi Goldberg and Randy Quaid, would you watch it out of curiousity?

8. Suppose you are a struggling novelist. If you are offered a deal wherein your manuscript will be published and marketed by a major publishing house, with the understanding that it will be adapted into the screenplay for a 3-hour pornographic epic starring Whoopi Goldberg and Randy Quaid, would you take the deal?

9. Which would be more unpleasant: watching a 3-hour pornographic epic starring Whoopi Goldberg and Randy Quaid, or watching naughty home videos made by someone you knew?

10. If you came home and discovered your significant other watching a 3-hour pornographic epic starring Whoopi Goldberg and Randy Quaid, would it alter your relationship?

11. Would a 3-hour pornographic epic starring Whoopi Goldberg and Randy Quaid be more or less disturbing if it were animated instead of live-action?

12. How about claymation?

13. Why the hell would anyone ever make a 3-hour pornographic epic starring Whoopi Goldberg and Randy Quaid, anyway?