I never had doubts about getting married to my husband, no cold feet what so ever, and no nervousness. But. We ended up splitting up. The funny thing is, though, I have absolutely no regrets about marrying him; I still think it was the right thing to do. But it just wasn't going to work because ultimately, we were not a good match. There was no fighting, no lying, no cheating. I just needed him to be someone he wasn't, and there was no way I could have asked him to change just for me.

That doesn't exactly answer your question, so just file it under anecdotes.

I want to be clear that hard work wouldn't have done it. We worked hard and it wouldn't work.

the key to a successful union is hard work and commitment from both parties. What do you think? Anecdotes welcome.

Oh God, yes. Over the last twelve years me and pips have been through the usual emotional rigamarole and we've always worked through it rather than let things fester. It was after all that, that I had no doubts whatsoever. We know everything about eachother and still like eachother anyway, which is something.

"If you don't know me by now...."

Hard work, thick skins, luck, selective amnesia, good intentions, and being too lazy to act out your fantasies of leaving. Those are the secrets to long term relationships. Love helps, too.

Specklet, there's a lyric I like that you reminded me of: We tried too hard to make this work, and now it's both.

I had doubts about my first husband. Then I criticized myself for feeling as though I should have gotten out while we were still engaged (he was going through a rough patch-injured at work, put on a lot of weight, then a bar fight that required surgery, then a car accident two weeks later). I told myself that leaving him in such a condition would be cruel. Later, on the day of the wedding, in the limo on the way to the church I nearly stopped the car. He was all wrong for me. The sweet guy I'd met in the beginning never came back after all the troubles were healed/solved. I have no regrets because we have two wonderful sons together. But he has dropped out of their lives, too, which is sad.
My second husband, while the relationship was great, was unemployed when we married. I had visions of past money issues and terrors and nearly called it quits. We did marry, he got a great job, and we've been married now for four years, together for seven. It's taken work; we both brought kids to the marriage and step families are hard. But I'm happier than I've ever been.
You're right, amro. It takes sincere committment on both sides, a lot of respect, laughter, and love to make a marriage work.

I was naive the first three years, convinced I'd made a mistake for the next four, and have been increasingly happy over the last ten. Yeah, it did take a lot of what IRFH describes above, especially the luck. If you're a lot alike in what you want from life, I think your chances are good.

Quoted from my MeFi response:

If you are NOT worried that perhaps you're making a mistake when you get married, you don't take the institution seriously enough, imo.

On the morning of my wedding, my best man (my brother) was prepared. When I told him ten minutes before we were due to leave for the church that I thought I was getting cold feet, he gave me a beer and told me to drink it. I did and told him I was ready to go. So he got another beer and told me to drink that. So I did.

I hit the church feeling very little pain.

That was 22 years ago. We're still married.

To that I will add that there have been times since marriage that I thought it was a big mistake, but IRFH's advice is sound: "...and being too lazy to act out your fantasies of leaving."

I love Mrs. Doohickie dearly and I'm glad I was lazy.

As mentioned upstream, communication is a big deal. You will occasionally go off in different directions; talking is the means of coming back together (it is necessary before the Make Up Sex can be effective).

I think the one other thing is you and your spouse need to go in with compatible values. My wife and I come from different backgrounds but we were brought up with similar values so when we had to make judgment calls, even if we disagreed, we could see where the other was coming from.

I tend to be suspicious of two types of marriages/relationships when they are described to me by the participants:

"We never fight."

and

"I never had the slightest doubt about our marriage."

Both, to me, would seem to indicate either that the couple doesn't communicate honestly or that one or both participants are fatally deluded.

People are difficult. Two people in a relationship is going to have moments of challenge. I had doubts right down the aisle, and both my wife and I have daily occasional moments when we wonder whether we made the right decision.

The vast, vast majority of the time, though, we know we made the right decision, and that's why we're still married.

According to my mom, IRFH has it. She knew, the minute she met my father, that they would get hitched. When I was 17, and in that "My mom and I are best friends" stage, she revealed that there were times when she would be so frustrated with her life, she would get into the car and consider just bailing. Getting on the highway and never looking back. But she didn't. And that's why my parents are still together.

I knew the second I saw him. (8 married, 10 together).

But life happens. We've lived it, and I've seen it. So, I try to be as fiscally independent as possible and I stay on top of all the practical life business, just in case of life happening, and stay clear about boundaries and such.

Staying married for me, and I suspect for my husband, has been, after the honeymoon period, an almost constant cost/benefit analysis. The benefits continue to outweigh the costs.

I'm aware that I probably sound pretty cold, but I think it's possible to be both almost superstitiously romantic and practical at the same time.

The only way any relationship will EVER work is that you know who YOU are; never mind the other person. Never mind the "jitters"; if you know yourself and why you're doing what you're doing on the way to the altar, you're fine.

The hard work is always on your side of the fence.

We were together for 10 years before I agreed to marry him. But two weeks into our relationship we were joking about how funny it would be to tell our grandkids how we met and got together. He had doubts, then I had doubts, then we didn't argue cause we were both supressing everything and then we almost ended it and then we fell back in love, and then he screwed up, and then my baggage got in the way, and then...

Respect, communication, and luck is what has kept us together. When we've lost respect for each other, we've almost lost each other. Not arguing means you're not communicating. Thanks to therapy, and prodding by him, I came to understand that arguments CAN be productive and not destructive. And we have both been lucky that we've balanced each other out so very well.

Whether you marry or not (cause you don't have to, you know), take life a day at a time. Love each other, treat each other respectfully (especially when you disagree), and be grateful for every smile and kiss.

Anything good is worth working hard for.

Cinnamon: Sounds kind of like my parents... not ten years worth, but got together-broke up-got back together thing.

My wife and I have been together for8 years, married for four. We fight once every few months. I think we communicate pretty well, but I suppose if we didn't, I wouldn't know. So.

My marriage. . .met in 76, started dating within a week, basically living and travelling together not that long after. In 84 I fell in love with someone else, and we broke up, or rather she kicked me out when I could not bring myself to break it off with the other person.

Other person dumped me the moment I declared myself fully available (I am not making this up) and then I went out and dated a lot, slept with a number of women, etc. She dated also. One night I was over at the house we co owned and we discussed how she would buy me out. . .it was over. .but then I spent the night. .we started dating. .went to counseling (which was so so) got married in a garden with all the people around who had endured our respective sagas, and had a daughter a year and a half later, who is now 17.

Marriage is like owning an old car. . .you have to decide what to fix, and what to defer, in order to keep it on the road. It is rewarding though.

And I am convinced that you never know what you are getting into because people change, and the trick is changing together, or at least compatibally. . .if that is a word.

It's nice to be loved, though. . .

If you are NOT worried that perhaps you're making a mistake when you get married, you don't take the institution seriously enough, imo.

I tend to be suspicious of two types of marriages/relationships when they are described to me by the participants:

"We never fight."

and

"I never had the slightest doubt about our marriage."

Both, to me, would seem to indicate either that the couple doesn't communicate honestly or that one or both participants are fatally deluded.

All true, IMHO. Marriage is hard work, but totally worth the effort. The whole "never fight" thing probably works for some people. It may have worked for my parents or perhaps they were really good at hiding it, which I suspect. However, communication, and the willingness to give each other space, seems to be the key. Communication gets you together when it counts, and space lets you be you, even in ways your spouse can't appreciate, or perhaps even tolerate. Immelda wants a new pair of shoes? Keep yer yap shut. Fly fishing in Montana? Nature boy can bond with his sons. Dinner, ballet, and sack time later? Oh, yeah. Of course, the real differences are so much more complicated. I think if over time you manage to be best friends and respect each other then you build something strong, valuable and permanent.

I had some misgivings right before I got married. I had always thought that The Big Love was supposed to hit you like a truck. That there would be fireworks and cymbal crashes and neon signs shaped like hearts. But it wasn't like that at all. It was more like someone coming up quietly beside me and gently holding my hand.

Which, I think, is as it should be. At least for me. Despite the work that marriage can entail, I find that life is a hell of a lot easier with a true partner by your side. We're an awesome team. (And we really don't fight often at all. Mostly because he hates to fight, which means that if I truly want to be heard, I have to adopt a calmer, more rational approach. We discuss...sometimes heatedly, but rarely "fight.")

Marriage is hard work

Married 22+ years, I've *rarely* found that to be true. Life is hard work. Having a soul mate to help you through it only makes it easier.

I've been laid off four times (and sometimes had to pick up and move because of it), we've both had our ups and downs, yet, it's never one of us against the other; it's her and me against the world.

I'm not the type to do this, but I bought her a little Hallmark framed thing a few years back with a picture of a boat and the verse,

The little boat of you and me
went sailing on the deep blue sea
We weathered winds and crashing waves
and we were strong and true and brave
And we were still in love so we
kept sailing on the deep blue sea
the little boat of you and me

And it's been dropped and the glass has cracked on the end, but to me that just kind of proves the point...

Anything good is worth working hard for.

Exactly. BUT! The mister and I don't find our marriage particularly hard work. We're very well suited for each other and continue to grow together and cut each other the necessary slack.

We don't really have arguments but we do have miscommunications. When we get upset we both get quiet and usually just remove ourselves from each other's presence for a while. When we're both ready, we discuss the situation and work it out. We've both said that we can, and do, feel hurt, confused, disappointed and exasperated by each other but I don't recall either of us ever being angry at the other one.

The mister and I have been married for six years (as of December 2 - yay us!) and together for seven years. Neither of us wanted to get married, but we "had" to if we wanted to live together. Being apart was too draining, too upsetting, too depressing. The other options were not worth contemplating.

And to really answer the question amro posed: I think it's commitment and communication that are key to a successful relationship.

Yeah, we've only been married 2 years, together for 5, but I think we've got it reasonably sorted. And we are a couple that rarely fight. We know our respective communication styles. I felt zero misgivings marrying him, for him. I felt misgivings about the institution of marriage, but it was a means to an end (me staying in the USA).

It really is all about communication. Over and over and over again.

What Cinnamon said (of course). I should add, though, that all the vasilating she described happened in the first five years. Since then, it's been smooth(ish) sailing.

I completely agree with her that respect and honesty are at least as important as hard work and commitment. I think every one of our troubled periods could be boiled down to a lapse of one or the other.

You know, there's just no matrix for how to be married - it's all down to how the personalities mesh. I had a rather dramatic and painful first marriage, because my first husband was a kind of dramatic and painful guy who would always steer it that way. I know for certain that he believes that a serene relationship is bogus, and in fact, was utterly convinced that I would return to him, having tired of the "every day is a jolly holiday when I'm with you" sweet and gentle relationship with my (now)husband. I didn't. No fucking way. Did I love waking up every day to wonder what black storm or brief, giddy southerly wind might ruin or animate it? What new drama awaited and whether it would all end in tears or snuggles? I did not. Is a careening roller coaster my idea of wedded bliss? It is not. It was a marriage that required work. I worked at it, but it didn't work.

And now... no. We don't work at it, my husband and I. It's very, very easy for us... and, no, we almost never argue. We are so nearly alike in temperament it's almost silly. We are optimistic and affectionate, tolerant, kind, and laugh a lot. We both need a great deal of personal freedom and find the spaciousness of complete trust an everyday joy. We actually wake up smiling every morning - and we've lived together for 16 years, nine of them married. I think it's like winning the megabux lottery and I can't believe how lucky I am. But it seems to me that everything in our individual histories, from the formation of our DNA to the instance one day when he turned right instead of left on a certain street and ended up in a certain place were required to create the ideal growth culture for our relationship... and that's why I say that there really is no good advice for a successful marriage.

Based on my own experience, I would advise choosing someone who is a lot like you, who shares your basic values and world view and has a lot of the same interests. But I would be wrong. For a lot of people, that would be a best friend, but never a lover/spouse. Many would be bored with a halcyon relationship. Some want to be always challenged, others want their partners to have different but complementary personalities and interests. Some people want their partners to supply something they crave but don't often find in themselves - a sense of security, or adventure, or whatever. So, the only really good advice is to try to understand what you really want and need before you marry. But this often never happens until one day it walks up to you and says "hey, there" ...and your heart turns upside down and backwards and does a full split.

background:
I was married for 9 years (age 17-26) We are still great friends.
I have been with my love Rosemary for almost 9 years.

My humble contribution.

If it "hard work" it is likely doomed to fail. I have never met anyone in a long marriage (30+ years) who has used the term "hard work". I think compassion, understanding, and the ability to just damn well walk away and ignore the shit that is bugging you is more important than hard work. Everyone is flawed and so like a river we have to learn to flow around the rocks. Or as muddgirl put it "she revealed that there were times when she would be so frustrated with her life, she would get into the car and consider just bailing." But, she didn't!

After reading taz's response "We both need a great deal of personal freedom" I would suggest this is a key to many things. If the two of you have different ideas of personal space it will never work out. And, yeah "there really is no good advice for a successful marriage."

I was full of doubts when I got married. Why did I do it?

- I was 30, scared of being on my own.
- very, very low self-esteem.
- most importantly, I was an active alcoholic at the time, which fuelled every single poor decision I ever made.

After 5 years, we split, divorced and remarried (within the space of a year). Again, the second time I knew it wasn't right, but, still drinking, I was consumed with fear and loneliness. Two years after I got sober we split for the final time.

When I met George I had 'that feeling' - he was the one. I know I wouldn't have had a single doubt about marrying him.

i got 99 problems but a bitch aint one

scody's answer pretty much describes my own experience.

What taz said. What works for mrs chewie and me is respect for individuality, combined with liking both our own and the other for their individuality. We both need a lot of space, and it keeps it exciting when we come back together at the end of each day. Always. Like taz, it doesn't feel at all like work to us. Things never fester, communication is always open and we discuss and think through dilemmas together. The dilemmas have never been about whether or not to stay married or together. We make decisions together, and require only ourselves' approval for issues that pertain to us alone, including our marriage.

And,I agree that what works for each marriage is different, it's a matter of synching up the personalities.

I'd also like to add that I've fallen in love at first sight before and after I did with my husband, not often, but it is a particular joy of mine.

hmm...anecdotal:
i was youngish, didn't know who i was or more likely, wasn't up for dealing with who i was. i threw myself into marriage (& then children) at the detriment of myself...and my children.
whenever i ventured out of my shell, my then husband tried to control me or define me...i felt he was always in my space. the more i tried to get my space, the closer he tried to get in it with me. communication is key in any relationship, but this wasn't something i felt "allowed" to discuss. i wasn't interested in letting him know me...that wasn't his fault. his actions were mostly reactions to mine...of course, he got to continue to pursue his dreams, while mine stagnated. should we have ever gotten married? apparently there were 3 people who were supposed to be in this world, so yes.

i am currently not married because its not legal & the state in which i live just made it "more illegal." but we have the same committment level of a married couple. i have become quite the communicator...which happens when there is mutual respect & trust. and...i belive that yes, you have to respect & trust yourself before you can another person. i'm working on that every day...

I just got married in October, so I can't really offer and advice, but I really want it to last the rest of my life (doesn't everyone) and the fact that my wife felt the same way was one of the numerous reasons I wanted to stick with her.

I was way too young when I got married. We worked on it a lot - couples counseling for over a year, tons of "processing", lots of tears. But eventually we had to decide to end it, even though a large part of both of us didn't want to. Maybe we had grown up a little and it just wasn't right anymore, maybe we never should have gotten married in the first place, maybe we tried and failed, maybe we fucked up despite our best intentions. I don't know if I'll ever know for sure (I've been divorced for 14 years now). But he was the only person I was every truly *in* love with (although I've loved many others), and I'll never regret that we tried.