MetaChat - Ask Bunnies: What to do about this work mess?

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08 November 2006

Ask Bunnies: What to do about this work mess? I went into a fellow admin-person's office this morning to ask questions about various things in her remit I'd received in the post.. I know that it's never pleasant to read about problems but I would really appreciate feedback from more experienced work-bunnies on this, and in response I will try to help with your requests for advice when they are asked.→[More:]
I knocked annd entered. She was typing furiously and I waited as I always do for anyone mid-type. She glowered at me and said "what?" and I said, "I'm waiting for you to finish." She said, "why are you being so formal?" Well, no, she screamed it. I bluwshed and began to apologise and she screamed, "what is it then?" raised my voice slightly and explained my queries and left the documents with her, thanked her, and left.

Had an hour or two of uncomfortable physical panic symptoms. Have just had a normal interaction with her. Have not said anything to anybody.

She's always very nice so I must really rub her the wrong way for her to have snapped at me. I wonder if everyone here actually hates my guts but is too British to say anything.

I am indeed very polite and formal with everyone as a form of defence, because a week or two after I got here my supervisor said that people complained I seemed angry. I use politness as a structure to my interactions to keep them from violating some mystery social rules that I don't know about.

The supervisor has not made any other complaints since then. I have been here since beginning of April.

Thoughts? How do I assess how I am doing? No evaluations forthcoming although the supervisor said I was doing a good job way back when I started.

post by: By the Grace of God at: 09:21 | 19 comments

you are probably a deeply flawed individual. i recommend you cease bathing for a month and gesticulate wildly while randomly shouting "SMOCK! MY GONDOLA IS LEAKY!" whenever a cow orker is nearby. They'll warm up in no time.

posted by quonsar 08 November | 09:29

>She's always very nice so I must really rub her the wrong way for her to have snapped at me. I wonder if everyone here actually hates my guts but is too British to say anything.

Realize that sometimes people's emotions and actions have nothing to do with you. In fact it is very likely her bad mood had nothing to do with you if you have had subsequent interaction with you with no further outbursts.

>I use politness as a structure to my interactions to keep them from violating some mystery social rules that I don't know about.

It seems like you are overthinking this. There are no mystery social rules. I don't know if you have any kind of Asperger's/autism issues, but if not, don't worry about this kind of thing so much. Just treat others as you would wish to be treated and realize that their reactions to you and interactions with you (and even complaints about you) may be colored by a vast majority of things, many of which you have no control over.

Sorry for the bad day, but try to put it behind you, and do not let the unpredictable actions of others take up so much of your mental real estate.

posted by Rock Steady 08 November | 09:35

If it's just her outburst you're worried about, forget it. It probably had nothing whatsoever to do with you. Haven't you ever inadvertently snapped at people, or at least wanted to, because you were really angry about something unrelated? I think you need to watch out for that instinct to automatically blame yourself whenever someone's angry -- we all have complicated lives outside our office worlds, and sometimes things intrude. Sometimes people, even mostly nice ones, just behave like assholes.

[yells at Q for no particular reason]

posted by JanetLand 08 November | 09:36

There's nothing wrong with politeness and formality in the workplace. Better that than rudeness. The woman was rude to you, but if she's normally cordial, she was probably having a bad day/hour.

Rise above it, if you can. Be gracious. And smile at them. They'll hate that.

posted by essexjan 08 November | 09:45

Actually, I feel like saying more about this. You call it a "work mess" -- it's not a mess. One of your coworkers was behaving disagreeably. It is entirely her fault. She sounds like she was ready to explode at the first person who got in the way, and unfortunately, it happened to be you -- I base this on the fact that you say she was "typing furiously" as soon as you opened the door. If you hadn't waited for her to stop typing, she would have still yelled at you -- you couldn't win no matter what you did.

Now I know it's hard to blow it off when something like that happens -- I get VERY upset when people yell, and the knowledge that they're just being dicks and it's not my fault doesn't stop me from being upset. My usual method of coping is simply to make my behavior to that person as neutral as possible until I feel better. I sort of mentally sneer at them for being so vulgar and out of control, and thank my lucky stars that *I* never behave so poorly. And call them a pig under my breath whenever I see them.

posted by JanetLand 08 November | 09:45

First off, you don't work with quonsar. So that's a plus. (Though you might, paradoxically, be better off if you did, I hear he's actually a very nice and caring person).

Secondly, you're assuming that you are the reason this cow orker snapped. The chances are it was something else that's put her out of sorts and you were just in the wrong place at the wrong time.

As an ex-pat Scot, I can tell you that being too British to say anything is not a likely explanation. The "stiff upper lip" etc is probably a myth everywhere, but it isn't even a Scottish myth. There is a tendency for Scots (and other Brits) to keep quiet about this sort of thing, but people are people and will let you know when they're pissed off. My advice would be to be yourself and let them accept you or not as they decide. Being formal is as likely to be regarded as being rude (because cold) as anything. Just be you, like you are here. It's as good a strategy as any and while it won't necessarily get the optimal results in terms of outcomes, it will have the benefit of you not having to worry about how to behave.

You speak English (of sorts) and they speak English (of sorts), but this hides all manner of little, but important, cultural differences. Just be yourself and then you and they can get started on the process of compromise and learning that is necessary for getting to know foreigners.

Good luck and hugs anyway.

On preview, what they said.

posted by GeckoDundee 08 November | 09:48

Thanks everyone for the great responses thus far (even quonsar).

I blame myself because I only have control over myself.

I do have some sort of social disorder I believe although have not got a diagnosis for that. It's extremely difficult for me to read social cues.

I am polite in terms of knocking, please and thank you, closing doors quietly so they don't slam, greetings and sign-offs in every email, apologies for interruptions and the like. BUT, I AM NOT COLD WHEN DOING IT, I AM SMILING! I am as wry and light-hearted, when appropriate, as other employees, share much of the gallows humour about funding and the like, and so on.

I just don't know what I look like from the outside! My better half says I'm fine but what does he know, because he doesn't see me at work?

posted by By the Grace of God 08 November | 09:52

i hate yellers...was once married to a yeller & now truly have no tolerance. but it is most likely this co-worker was taking something else that bothered out on you. and absolutely, not everything is about you so i would put it out of your mind. their issue...not yours.

posted by karim satasha 08 November | 09:59

Polite is different from formal. Please keep being polite. I'm just saying formality can be perceived (probably wrongly) as cold and distant. That wasn't what I thought was a big thing though.

I'd bet big money that you're doing nothing wrong and just, as Rock Steady puts it, over thinking things. (As we're all prone to doing sometimes).

posted by GeckoDundee 08 November | 10:10

BtGoG: everyone here has given great advice. You say, "I blame myself because I only have control over myself." Part of recognizing that we can only control ourselves is that we really can't control what others think of us. Maybe this woman was having a terrible morning, and you walked in at just the wrong time. Maybe she thinks you are snotty, or is afraid that you're better than her, or something. Who knows? You can't really control how she thinks of you, because you are not her.

But you can somewhat control future interactions with her. I bet she feels really horrible for yelling at you, and is probably pretty ashamed of herself. You need to decide if this something you are willing to drop, or if you should bring it up (calmly, in a neutral location) and discuss with her.

(and I completely sympathise. I over-analyze all of my work interactions, every little phrase from my coworkers - it's a habit I picked up in middle school that I can't drop!)

posted by muddgirl 08 November | 10:15

I'm guessing that she's having a bad day or she's a bit of a nutter. If she does it multiple times, ask other people who know the both of you if it's her or you. Do this discreetly. If lots of people do it to you, question if it is you who are managing to wind people up. I wouldn't worry about this isolated experience because there are too many variables. There could be a million and one reasons why you're getting grief.

Also, I guess that you work in some kind of anti-war / left wing political type of organisation. As such, you're gonna get more than the usual level of yank-hating. Because well, you're the "great satan".

posted by seanyboy 08 November | 10:18

More thanks for subsequent posters!

I work at a university department, not a campaigning org. The campaigning work I describe on MetaChat is voluntary work. They aren't anti-American and they know that I am doing more than my fair share against the war and Bush*, although cultural miscommunication is probably going on, indeed.

I am going to let it drop, because I have no respect here from what I can see. My defiance is to continue to be nice to everyone.

*I don't bring up my campaigning without being asked, either.

posted by By the Grace of God 08 November | 10:21

{{{{((((BtGoG))))}}}}

posted by quonsar 08 November | 10:46

I knocked annd entered. She was typing furiously and I waited as I always do for anyone mid-type.

So you kinda just stared at her for a few seconds? That would annoy me. If someone is talking on the phone or is in the middle of a conversation, I do this. But not when they are just typing. Instead I say, "Jane, do you have a minute to chat?"

If you kept coming into my office and staring at me until I stopped doing what I was doing, I'd eventually snap when I was having an otherwise stressful day.

posted by mullacc 08 November | 11:55

((Grace))

Maybe this comic can cheer you up?

Sometimes people blow up but don't mean anything by it. I was once thoroughly yelled at by a co-worker. Afterwards we talked and it turned out he'd had a bad night before he came into work. We both felt bad and then we got along ever after, even though he gave most people in the company a hard time.

Granted, I've had co-workers hate me from the first moment down to the bitter end... you can't let that get to you. Some will hate you, some have become my best friends, you never know.

posted by halonine 08 November | 13:04

mullacc, you are probably right. I am really rubbish at this sort of thing. Nobody's ever corrected me on it before. I don't know these things sometimes until people tell me. It's always worked in the past - and it's never been more than a second or two. I was about to pipe up when this person started snapping at me anyway.

I'm sorry :(

posted by By the Grace of God 08 November | 13:09

Grace, I'd find it really weird if someone started talking to me before I looked up and acknowledged them. I'd also find it really weird if they never looked up and acknowledged me. I tend to be pretty good with social cues, and I'd have done exactly what you said you did. Don't stress out about it, or blame yourself for what you did.

You could always ask the woman if she'd prefer you not hover, or whatever, but realize that it's her personal preference, not necessarily a universal thing.

posted by occhiblu 08 November | 13:58

≡ Click to see image ≡

posted by Doohickie 08 November | 15:15

Good advice upthread.

(((Grace)))

posted by deborah 08 November | 15:16

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