I’ve been out of town. My friend T. texted me yesterday: “Flight at ten tonight, right?” Yes, I replied, expecting to see him and J. waiting for me when I got off the plane with hugs and dinner. Plane landed fifteen minutes early. I text them both: “I’ve landed.” No response. I call ten minutes later. No answer, either of them. I go to wait for bag. I pick up bag. I call again. Still no answer. At this point I’m mad: they’re late (even if my flight had landed at its appointed time). If the shoe were on the other foot and I were late, they wouldn’t mind. But I mind. And I’m frustrated: why aren’t they answering their phones? And I’m hurt: where the hell are they?

I decide to give them a few more minutes, then take a cab. I call one more time, no answer. I get into cab, pissed and teary. $35 later, I’m home. By this time I am starting to get worried. Even if they forgot to pick me up or were hopelessly late, what possible reason could they not answer their phones?

An hour later, I’ve called a mutual friend, who has no idea where they are and is also starting to get a little worried. I call both of them again, no answer. I wait five minutes and decide to call again, this time to leave messages. I leave a message for J. (I’m home, where are you, starting to get worried, call me.) I call T. and he picks up. “Where are you?” he asks. “Where the fuck are YOU?!” I yell, and burst into tears.

Turns out they got to the airport a little late and have been waiting at the fucking gate the whole time. Turns out they left their phones in the fucking car. Turns out they didn’t think to call me until a fucking hour after my plane was scheduled to get in. Turns out I think they’re fucking imbeciles for waiting for me at the gate when they got there late (why would they not call/go to baggage?), not taking their phones into the airport with them (c’mon already, this is in Logistics 101!), and not calling me within fifteen minutes of realizing I wasn’t walking through the gate.

I yell (something I almost never do) and cry at T. I can tell he’s irritated at my level of distress, but he apologizes and says he’ll collect Jennifer and come over. I tell him no, I just want to go to bed. This is highly unusual for me to do in regards to T. & J.; we spend an incredible amount of time together, and I’d been out of town for five days.

I call some other friends (who actually answer their phone) to rant and rave a bit. I'm too wound up to go to bed, so I have a bath and a glass of wine. Now I’m running on five hours’ sleep and still mad and hurt. And I still don’t understand why, if they got to the airport when they said they did, they missed my initial texts and calls.

Now. I readily admit that my level of upsetitude was/is out of proportion with the circumstances. But you gotta understand there’s a lot of water under the bridge. I’m always the mom, the friend who takes care of you when you’re sick, makes sure you have a (punctual) ride home from the airport, and feeds you when you’re too broke to do anything but pay the rent. But sometimes I need some taking care of too. And they’ve both let me down in crucial times before.

They’re flakey and a little self-absorbed. I understand that they are who they are, but I keep thinking I can depend on them the way (I think) they depend on me. I find them… lacking. And that makes me so very sad. They are my closest friends, and I feel like I’m just going to have to withdraw a bit and remind myself that I can’t expect them to provide more than basic friend stuff.

So. I don’t feel like shopping for T.’s graduation present, I don’t feel like whuffling J. And I don’t know what to do with my negative feelings.

And one more complainy thing: I haven't heard from either of them yet today. No texts, no note on my door (and I know they were in the building: J. lives upstairs). Lame.

aw, Specklet *hugs*

I have been in an incredbly similar situation with my ex-boyfriend before. It sucks. The feelings of frustration and anger and hurt at being forgotten about. I can't say much to make you feel better, but I completely understand where you're coming from.

But you gotta understand there’s a lot of water under the bridge....

They’re flakey and a little self-absorbed. I understand that they are who they are, but I keep thinking I can depend on them the way (I think) they depend on me. I find them… lacking. And that makes me so very sad. They are my closest friends, and I feel like I’m just going to have to withdraw a bit and remind myself that I can’t expect them to provide more than basic friend stuff.

Sweetheart, you know what the problem is -- you just said it. It's not that they fucked up at the airport. It's that they let you down, often, when you really need them not to.

If you can explain that to them in a way they can understand (which seems unlikely to me, given the self-absorption factor), try. If you can't, you need to try to alter your own expectations. This is not easy, and maybe not even possible. But it's what's going to keep you from being hurt. You should also try to give a little less. I know that sounds strange, but I suspect that a lot of your 'giving' to them is really an attempt to get them to give back, and they don't. So pull back a little.

As far as your negative feelings -- don't do anything with them except use them to figure out how to be less hurt by your friends. You deserve them (the negative feelings). Don't think for a minute that you don't.

This situation really sucks, Speck, and I totally understand how you feel let down by your friends - especially since YOU were really concerned about THEIR health and safety! I'm always freaking out about things like this - if someone is incommunicado, I immediately assume they're lying in a ditch somewhere, wailing for help.

On the other hand, try and think about this from their perspective a little. They probably feel really dumb for waiting at the gate for so long, and a little miffed that you left without them (this is something else I always do, btw - if we're supposed to meet at baggage, I forget and go to the gate, etc). They probably know you're really pissed at them, and are giving you some head space to work this all out.

Yeah, sometimes it sucks being the dependable one - the dependable one is always the one being disappointed, eh? But I wouldn't assume this means your friends don't care about you, just that their conception of friendship are different from yours. Now the sucky part is that you need to decide what's best for you - and like mudpuppie said, maybe that's just learning to not ask for things they can't handle, and not provide those same services in return.

Your feelings are a natural reaction, Specklet. They're not so much negative as they are responsive, you know?

Just take some time, cool off and then address the issues with your friends. Let 'em know how you feel, but just do it on your time. When you feel more comfortable.

If you can't, you need to try to alter your own expectations.

Mudpuppie is totally right. Some people arrive 10 minutes early to things when they count, other people lose track of time. Once you figure out who falls into which category, it's a lot easier to not be let down if you factor their prior behaviour into your expectations.

*hugs specklet*

I would have felt and acted exactly like you did, so I have no advice here, just hugs and support. I've always been "the responsible one" and the "one who does the planning" also, so I know what you mean about that. Fortunately, my two best friends are pretty grown up and have never flaked out on me. I tend to have a pretty unreasonable reaction to flakiness so I haven't let myself become friends with people who flake a lot (or I just enjoy their company when I run into them but don't count on them too much). I think my problem is that I assume everyone will approach these situations in the same way I would, and I don't take account of how they might do it differently, thus I don't prepare for that and I feel let down.

I know how much you love those two, so I'm sure you'll work it out. And, after I move to Portland, you can call me to pick you up at airports and I'll be really anal about it.

Take a couple of days for yourself and try to put them out of your mind. Not a "cooling off" period but a time where you can't suffer any more disappointment. It's clear you love your friends unconditionally but it also sounds like you need something from them they can't provide right now and it's only going to hurt more if you focus on it. I know how it feels. I really can empathize. It really sucks. (In my case, my therapist tells me that I need to learn how to ask for help rather than expect it in return just because I give it in spades...but that's completely MY thing).

Give "it" the power or energy it deserves, then let it go and then take the time for yourself.

Maybe then your friends can reflect on how they have hurt your feelings and take stock of what your presence in their lives means to them. They won't change but maybe they will learn to be more considerate in the future.

I’m always the mom, the friend who takes care of you when you’re sick, makes sure you have a (punctual) ride home from the airport, and feeds you when you’re too broke to do anything but pay the rent.

You're their friend, not their mom, doormat, or enabler-of-remaining-in-a-state-of-not-getting-one's-shit-together-because,-hey-why-bother-Specklet'll-fix-it. You don't do the flaky any favors by saving their bacon on a regular basis.

Maybe then your friends can reflect on how they have hurt your feelings and take stock of what your presence in their lives means to them.

My experience of flakes suggest that this is most likely to lead to a big bitch session on the theme of "Who the hell does Specklet think she is anyway?", rather than self-examination or anything else that might damage their fragile egos. I know, I've been one (still am, in a lot of ways, unfortunately).

People think I am so anal but I always make worst-scenario plans so that folks know if I am late (or if they are late ) we meet at such-and such. And then I have to fight worrying that they will screw it up.

It has happened to me too (I was picking up my husband) but thankfully we both had our cell phones. So I understand the suckitude.

Thinking about this a little bit more, and rereading all the comments above, what stands out for me is the idea of figuring out what friends you can count on for what things. You guys spend a lot of time together and the things you talk about, the history you have together, can never be replaced by anything anyone else can give you. But that doesn't mean that they are the right people to give you everything you need.

Among my friends, I have the one who's known me forever and can be insightful about life advice, the one who loves me unconditionally and is so easy to hang out with and who is good for a hug or a cry but doesn't really give advice, the one who's organized and reliable and says exactly what she thinks, the one who's too busy a lot of the time but is emotionally warm when I need it and says just the right things for my ego to make me feel beautiful and even sexy (and is great to shop with), and a variety of less intimate "social" friends who have so many different things they offer. I think I have a pretty good handle on who I can ask for what, although with people I know less well, it's a trial-and-error process to figure that out.

You may need to adjust your expectations of your friends. You can tell them "I was hurt that I couldn't count on you to keep your phones with you the other night," but maybe see that as a learning experience and just enjoy them for what they can give you, and maybe turn to a less intimate but more reliable friend for things like airport pickups. And who knows, you might find some interesting connections with that person during the long ride back home.

Thanks, all. I appreciate your support and advice.

I think you're right in that I need to adjust my expectations. It just makes me sad that (what I view to be) stepping back is necessary.

Also, so you guys don't think they're total assholes: I want to be clear that I love being the mom friend; it's how I show my love and affection for them. But they've got to come up with sme way of showing love and affection for me, because I'm just not feeling it.

Trying to build on what mats wrote, about expectations and different people for different things and whatnot: it seems like many people, myself included, often want the things that people count on them for to be the same things that they count on these other people for, and where they want the effort/energy/emotion/whatnot that they put into a relationship to be reflected equally back at me. But it doesn't ever seem to work that way, and yearning for some kind of impossible ideal just keeps folks from appreciating the flawed beauty that's right in front of them.

Upon rereading, I'm worried that the above paragraph is really incoherent.

Changing 'me' to 'them' doesn't really make it any more coherent.

Specklet, if you feel like you've got to distance yourself from them in order to protect your own feelings, well, that's what you've gotta do, but I wonder if there's a way to adjust your expectations without distancing yourself. Because it's not like more distance is what you really want, right?

box, I get you. I think what mats was saying is related:

I think my problem is that I assume everyone will approach these situations in the same way I would, and I don't take account of how they might do it differently, thus I don't prepare for that and I feel let down.

And no, I don't want more distance, but for me to rethink my expectations is going to involve a little bit of making my heart less vulnerable. I know that sounds cliched, but that really is the best way of saying it.

I can offer BIG hugs.
((((((specklet))))))

Coming late into this, I think most people have said what I wanted to say.

They fucked up. People fuck up. That's human nature. They didn't think, I agree waiting at the gate when they're an hour late, and forgetting their phones, is not sensible, thought-out behaviour.

I also understand how you're feeling. I've written on here a couple of times about the woman who I thought was my best friend just turning out to be this big sucking drain on my support system, with nothing in return when I needed it. It really hurt and I've had to decide to not be there for her any more because it was costing me too much.

I think you said it really well, Specklet. Making your heart less vulnerable.

Again, a late response, but I'll post it anyway:

I know if I were in T. & J.'s place, I'd give you plenty of space for a little while. They're probably laying low while you calm down.

Having been on both sides of this equation in the past, I can empathize with both parties. But you're right to be upset -- the leaving of the cellphones alone is a really stupid move, compounded by the rest of their poor choices.

The three of you have a very tight-knit relationship, but it sounds as though there's a difference between what you expect of them and what they think you expect from them. Perhaps they take you for granted, or are simply too wrapped up in their own personal dramas to take notice of how they might affect others. It happens a lot when people are as intimate as the three of you are.

Whatever it is, it's not the sort of thing that can change overnight. You might want to pull back a little bit emotionally (it sounds like you're doing that already) and create a little distance in the relationship. Maybe your expectations for them are a little out of whack, and vice versa. The distance will help you (and possibly them) gain some perspective.

1. I text them both: “I’ve landed.”
2. I call ten minutes later.
3. I call again.
4. I call one more time, no answer.
**TAKES CAB**
5. An hour later, I’ve called a mutual friend
6. I call both of them again.
7. I wait five minutes and decide to call again
8. I call T. and he picks up.

i think your friends are shitty. but i'm going to say something else that is pretty glaring: unless you always function like this, it looks to me like they bring out some very poor qualities in you, too. you need to examine your friendship with them and see if it is worth keeping such people around that make you so obsessive and vulnerable.

the reason i say this is that to me, when you reach a certain age (where you don't use friends just as social lubricant and as people to party-with), you need to look for a different set of qualities to suit your maturity. i personally wouldn't expect them to change anytime soon. i mean, two adults functioning together and actively neglecting to contact you and/or bring their cellulars with them to the airport? they're either lying to you, were totally stoned, or just don't really care enough about you to be punctual and/or accessible, (or are completely oblivious). you may hold onto these friends for life, but you need to learn to expect less from them, clearly, as it hurts you so much.

J. just called. I didn't pick up, but she left a message saying she was sorry and thought my plane came in at 10.30. Whatever.

Whatever it is, it's not the sort of thing that can change overnight. You might want to pull back a little bit emotionally (it sounds like you're doing that already) and create a little distance in the relationship. Maybe your expectations for them are a little out of whack, and vice versa. The distance will help you (and possibly them) gain some perspective.

you need to examine your friendship with them and see if it is worth keeping such people around that make you so obsessive and vulnerable.

you need to look for a different set of qualities to suit your maturity.

Yep. Yep yep yep.

Sigh.

P.S. I have met both of these people, briefly, and they both struck me as the kind of people who are fascinating and glittering but also very very "young" in the way they act. Both of them are still in school, right? And you're out there in the "real world". That could be part of the disconnect, that they're still into having fun all the time, and you like to have fun too but you have other dimensions. What you're going through seems like a natural part of moving from a 20-something-oriented mindset to a more mature behavior. [Please forgive me for oversimplifying or not knowing them, because I know that I have done so.]

It sounds like you are hurting from seeing that this disconnect is growing larger over time and you are afraid you can't recapture what connected you to each other in the first place. Some friendships mature through these changes; some don't and end up having to be left behind (but hopefully remembered fondly). It's impossible to say which this is, at this point. But you are the one who is realizing the changes first, and it's causing you pain and fear that you will lose them. Give yourself some time, breathe, forgive them, forgive yourself, but keep your eyes open and you will have to learn gradually if this is something you can move through while still being connected.

Aww, babe. I'm sorry. ***hugs***

That sucks. I'm perfectly capable of navigating an airport by myself, but there's something so totally awful about expecting a friendly face to be there to greet you and then... that person not being there. It's so lonely and disorienting.

I think mudpuppie said most of what I think (which doesn't mean I won't ramble on for a bit). I know that I used to be really good at being the mama-type-person, and prided myself on anticipating what friends would need, and giving that to them without complaint or even much thought. It felt like a very natural way to interact with others.

What I think I'm coming to learn, based on experiences similar to yours, is that pulling back away from that doesn't really mean shutting people off as much as it means (1) making them responsible for stating their own needs, rather than assuming I know what's best for them and meeting that perceived need, and (2) figuring out what *I* need and explicitly asking for it.

This may totally not be the case for you, but for me, not being everyone's mother means that I suddenly had to look around and figure out what I wanted, and how I could ask for it. If I wasn't giving all the time, I suddenly had to figure out ways that I was comfortable with taking, which has felt rather unnatural but is making me, I think, a much more balanced individual.

I'm not sure if that makes much sense, and it's obviously colored by my own experiences, but I think it's a way I've started to find middle ground without berating myself for becoming hard-hearted or indifferent to people who matter to me.

...figuring out what *I* need and explicitly asking for it...

This was a really hard lesson I had to learn, and I'm still not totally comfortable with it. One of the perks of good friendships ought to be not having to ask for the things you need. There's this feeling that the other person should just know. And in a perfect world, they would.

Asking is hard on an emotional level, especially if you're already the kind of person who doesn't like to ask for favors of people. I tend to get stubborn when it becomes clear to me that in order to receive a certain behavior from a friend, I'm going to have to state my expectations explicitly. I'm more inclined to cross my arms and think, "Well, if I have to ask you to ask me how my day was instead of telling me about yours, what's the point?"

Yessir. It's a hard thing to accept, but it's an unfortunate fact of most friendships. (Or most of mine, anyway.)

This may totally not be the case for you, but for me, not being everyone's mother means that I suddenly had to look around and figure out what I wanted, and how I could ask for it. If I wasn't giving all the time, I suddenly had to figure out ways that I was comfortable with taking, which has felt rather unnatural but is making me, I think, a much more balanced individual.

Yeah. This is a really good point. I'm not very good about asking. And I think one of the reasons last night was so hard for me to take is that I had asked for a ride, made double sure they knew what time I was getting there, and they still didn't get it right.

Yessir. It's a hard thing to accept, but it's an unfortunate fact of most friendships.

I think the only way around it is to befriend a bunch of psychic mind-readers. And I'm not sure how viable an alternative that really is. For many, many, many reasons.

And I think one of the reasons last night was so hard for me to take is that I had asked for a ride, made double sure they knew what time I was getting there, and they still didn't get it right.

Yeah, I mean, there are all sorts of very-special-episode life lessons you may learn from this, but beyond that, I do think it sounds like they were being totally flakey. And I didn't mean to negate that at all.

Didn't think you had, sweetie. *whuffle*

You know what strikes me about their behavior more than anything...if it was me and I had to pick up my friend from the airport and I was late and couldn't find them...I WOULD FEEL LIKE A COLOSSAL ASS.

I would be so apologetic for screwing up. Instead, they shifted the blame. This is what I don't get.

How hard is it to say...we screwed up, sorry!

BTW, text messages would routinely get delayed hours with my old phone, and Cinnamon often doesn't get notified of new voicemails with hers. So they may really not have gotten your messages as they drove to the airport.

No no, they did feel like colossal asses, and did apologize.

And I know texts get delayed, but I called as well. Who knows. They're flakes.

Your feelings seem reasonable. The only thing I think that could have been helpful is if one of the parties had paged the other. I forget to charge my phone all the time so I'm practiced at remembering the no cell way of doing things.

PS: you've outed J, you may want to beg the mods to redact her name.

Mitheral, everybody knows who T. & J. are, they're all over my Flickr account. S'okay, thanks.

And paging would have been a good idea, but I didn't think they were there, and they weren't thinking, period.

Oh, and yeah, messages get delayed, but neither of those things happens very often with their phones.

"What's your airline and flight number?"

One question and everything would've been fine. 9:15 or 9:30, check the web or phone and see what the flight's doing. Ok, it's early, gotta go now. Simple.
Or, double-check the text message to see what you said.
You said you landed at 9:45. So if you phoned at 9:55, and then at about 10:05, shouldn't they still have been with their phones at that point? They waited 1/2 hour without checking the monitors or asking at the flight desk? They waited for more than an hour to not call you?
Y'see this makes little sense to me. It sounds like they smoked a fatty before doing anything and their IQ's dropped into the basment. Wow.
I'd like to say I'm not fuelling any fire here, I'm just gobsmacked at the inconsistencies. If/when you confront them with this (and if it won't cause a permanent rift), they may be points you want to bring up. Perhaps, if nothing else, it may help solidify what others (pups, me3dia, ej, etc.) have said about re-evaluating exactly what kind of relationship you now have with them and what kind you're able to have that's healthy now that the rose coloured glasses are off. I'm sure that this'll all suck pretty hard, but it also doesn't mean that you're chucking the whole thing in the bin - remember that. Some mental restructuring on your part, and I've confidence that you'll come out ok. I'm also sure that they'll never notice the difference - more fools they, but what do you do?

On preview: Text messages - yup, they do get delayed, but you said "...T. texted me yesterday...". Again: if he never recieved the text until after you'd landed, or whatever, and he was supposed to pick you up, wouldn't he've tried again? Gaah. "Colossal asses" doesn't even begin to describe.......

What occhiblu says about learning how to ask, that's been a big step for me, and I'm still learning it.

I don't know how to ask either. I always feel as if I'm imposing.

Vegas bunnies, please take note. I am not being standoffish, I just can't ask "can I hang out with you guys?"

Hehehe, ok, essexjan. Wanna come hang by the pool with me on Thursday or Friday (if I can figure out how to sneak you in? Probably my room card could cover the two of us- I hear they check).

I'm sorry to hear this happened, Specklet. I think your reaction was reasonable. I'm sure it was based on something. You probably know from past behavior that they didn't try as hard as they could have in this situation. You should definitely pull back emotionally from them. I sympathize. I invest a lot in relationships, possibly too much. (That's a therapist-approved observation ;) ) Thankfully I have a lot of friends who give back. But I know people who don't and they can really blindside me. Especially when I can have a good time with them otherwise... it seems so insincere!

Maybe your friends will earn your confidence some day. But prepare yourself for the possibility they won't. You might have to think of them as very good acquaintances instead, or something else that is also less than what they were to you before.

((Hugs))

I'm feeling more generous than some of the people in this thread. Maybe your friends will grow up a little and become more reliable over the years. I know that my friend who I have known for 13 years has surprised me by turning from a little boy into a man somewhere along the line, and that I can count on him for a lot more than just being around. My advice still stands to forgive them, forgive yourself, but keep your eyes open and be honest about your needs.

Mats' generosity isn't a bad thing. In my opinion, though, you (Speck) need to draw a line and set some boundaries. How many painful go-rounds are you willing to endure? But see, wait -- that's not even the right way to look at it. Because all too often we're too willing to endure a lot of pain just to keep someone in our lives, for better or for worse. Take a step back, though, and decide how much pain you should have to put up with, not how much you're willing to put up with. And then figure out what to do when the I-shouldn't-have-to-put-up-with-this line is crossed. Know all this ahead of time, and remind yourself of it constantly. It's self-preservation.

Yeah. I understand that they might grow up sometime, but in the meantime, I'm left with still needing to examine the expectations I have of them and shield myself a little. And that just bums me out, that I have to do that.

But yeah. Self-preservation. This is not the first time I've been shafted.

No question, it's bummy.

Specklet, I read the title of your post and assumed hoped you wanted help bra shopping. :(

Ah heh heh heee! When you look at it that way, I can't believe you were the first person to make that joke.

That's something else you need more of, the older you get.