MetaChat - Let's Talk About Sex (Partners), Baby!

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23 August 2006

Let's Talk About Sex (Partners), Baby! →[More:] So today I was chatting with a friend about our past histories, and I mentioned that I'd been with over 20 partners since I was 18. (I'm 38 now). And the thought struck me that this seemed like a high number. Does this seem out-of-character for me, those of you who know me here?

But then, I realized that I've had only 3 of those since 1995. So then I felt prudish.

Does having 20-plus partners in 20 years seem high to you, Bunnies? How do you feel your partner history has affected your life, or how others may see you if they knew? Do you consider yourself a traditionalist when it comes to sex, or an adventuresome sort?

What patterns or themes have there been in your histories that you feel are significant? Have you changed much in your desires or predilections for a certain person as you grew older?

Have at it, Bunnies! I'm just curious and thought this would make for a good thread. If you'd like to contribute, but privately, you can e-mail me also. Or not say anything 'tall.

post by: Lipstick Thespian at: 22:14 | 56 comments

Nope. I've had more than that. And only 4 since 1998.

posted by gaspode 23 August | 22:31

(I mean nope it doesn't seem high to me).

posted by gaspode 23 August | 22:32

What if, hypothetically, you've lost track?

posted by orthogonality 23 August | 23:05

After all, you are a thespian.

posted by knave 23 August | 23:13

It seems high to me, personally, but I'm at four total, and I'm 29

posted by pieisexactlythree 23 August | 23:17

What if, hypothetically, you've lost track?
Then you're easy. Whether that is a good or a bad thing is entirely up to you.

20 seems high to me, but I'm shy.

posted by dg 23 August | 23:26

Me too...shy. But also married for a while, which has really put a damper on raising my numbers, you know? Man, talk about a ball and chain...

Anyway, my number is 4 too. I'm practically a virgin, for Flying Spaghetti Monster's sake!

posted by iconomy 23 August | 23:47

You're doing better than me.

posted by dg 24 August | 00:00

It's not about how many people you've slept with - it's how many people you regret having to mark down on your list.

posted by freshwater_pr0n 24 August | 00:16

I would have said high before I hit 30, and now I hypothetically.

posted by WolfDaddy 24 August | 00:19

I have 3 total out of the 20 that I regret sleeping with, and that's because I can't remember their names, and that's ALWAYS a bad sign.

posted by Lipstick Thespian 24 August | 01:01

it's how many people you regret having to mark down on your list

That would be two, maybe 2.5

posted by pieisexactlythree 24 August | 01:02

32 as of last week. I didn't start until I was 21.
I don't regret any of 'em but there's a couple of things I could've done differently.
I knew a girl (married now) who claimed over 70 lovers. I believe her too. She seems happy to have found her man at last.

I'm hoping #33 will be the last...

posted by black8 24 August | 01:03

I understand you want a serious answer LT, so I promise to drop by this thread tomorrow when I actually have something to say. And, uh, I started when I was 22.

posted by pieisexactlythree 24 August | 01:04

I would have said high before I hit 30, and now I hypothetically.

I'm thinking there's a hell of a lot more to this story.

posted by mudpuppie 24 August | 01:08

I had my wild times, probably about 30 partners (many of them one-night stands - ugh!) until I got sober when I was 39. After that there were two - my husband (but only a handful of times with him, the marriage was dying by that point) and then George, who I thought would be my last partner. (And may well turn out to be, as you get older, your options become increasingly limited.)

posted by essexjan 24 August | 01:30

People count? What pr0n says, essentially. I couldn't tell you, nor do I care to keep track.

posted by elizard 24 August | 02:08

An ex-girlfriend of mine and I were talking and she brought up the same question. We both thought waaay back and I've had a lot, and she figured she'd had about 15 or so more than a lot, most of which seemed to be before and just after the time that we'd started to hear about AIDS, and the hammer really dropped. We figured *meh*, there really wasn't much in the way of regrets, and it was all fun anyways so what's to really regret?

posted by Zack_Replica 24 August | 02:53

This is they type of thing that I'd never ask, but like to answer. I'm 29 yrs old and am somewhere in the mid-to-high thirties partner-wise. Most of those were ages 21-26 and Feburary-present. Maybe 5 regrets at the time, but as the clock's ticked and Old Man Last Year and New Baby This Year have visited time and again, the regrets are down to 1.

My soon to be exwife always claimed "over 70". I never cared while we were together, but the sad thing about that now is that the last of those (or high up on the list, at least) was during our tenure as a married couple.

posted by item 24 August | 06:29

People count? What pr0n says, essentially. I couldn't tell you, nor do I care to keep track.

I thought that too. If I had 30 or 40 or 50 partners, there is no way I could remember them all...I can't remember 30 or 40 or 50 of anything.

It's easy to remember them when there's only 4 though, for good or for bad :P

posted by iconomy 24 August | 06:41

Not high IMO. I'm at about 40, but now that I'm happily married that number has flattened out.

posted by tr33hggr 24 August | 07:14

I've had over 800 partners, but who's counting?

posted by Eideteker 24 August | 09:18

Also, I prefer to think in terms of the number of people I haven't slept with, which means I need to be working a lot harder.

posted by Eideteker 24 August | 09:19

Jeez, and I thought I was fairly promiscuous. 11 partners (for full-on intercourse) in 17 years.

I don't know whether to feel prudish, unattractive or virtuous.

posted by jonmc 24 August | 09:32

Me, I'm at 5,673. Is that too high?

posted by ThePinkSuperhero 24 August | 09:35

I'm thinking there's a hell of a lot more to this story.

Not really, 'puppie. Mainly fear of HIV kept me in the "having sex" closet for a long time. Around '95 people stopped dying left and right and so I tentatively, then eagerly, started playing catch-up.

posted by WolfDaddy 24 August | 09:36

I'm late on this, but All I can say is I've had more..adn I'm not ashamed.

Sex is great. Just be careful!

posted by Joe Famous 24 August | 09:58

Where the hell was I when all of you were out fuckin'? Smoking a joint behind the dumpster?

posted by jonmc 24 August | 10:01

LT, don't worry. The whole "number of people you've had sex with" has no bearing outside of high school, and maybe college (if you're in a fraternity).

Felt like I should throw some seriousness into the thread for my homie G.

posted by Eideteker 24 August | 10:10

Two, and I'm forty (did I just blow the curve, so to speak?). My ex-husband, who I met in college when I was 19, and was with for 10 years, and jon, who I've been with for over 11 years (minus those few months this year, that is).

Despite my occasional fantasies about four guys at once in a cabin on a single's cruise, or about making out with a girl (TMI?), I'm happy with my two, and have been enjoying sex more than ever.

*shakes tail feathers at jon* ; )

posted by Pips 24 August | 10:12

about making out with a girl (TMI?),

no, let's go with that, folks...;)

posted by jonmc 24 August | 10:18

How 'bout the four guys on the single's cruise? : )

posted by Pips 24 August | 10:20

Well, as long as they're hot.

posted by jonmc 24 August | 10:21

I'm right around your number, jon (12, at age 37).

I don't know whether to feel prudish, unattractive or virtuous.

Heh. Well, I don't know either, and not sure I want to be any of those things! This is just how things happened.

I never chased around actively pursuing sex with single-minded devotion, nor did I prudishly resist it when a good candidate apepared. I think I've ended up with this number just by pretty much running the show of life and seeing what developed along the way.

Never saw much point in racking up numbers for numbers' sake; that seemed hollow. At the same time, I always enjoyed sex and didn't have hangups about it - so I can't say I'm prudish.

The number represents a mix of experiences. One was a one-night stand, two were very brief flings, the rest longer relationships, sequentally monogamous, as they say. The longest wran for four years (ages 30-34). There were quiet spells in between. I tended to wait for interesting things to come along (probably being a bit too passive, in retrospect).

Regrets, though? Not really. This is where I am in life, this is the path that led to today. There were a couple dumber choices in there, for sure, but I've learned something from every person I've been with, and it's helped to develop a better understanding of the various human experiences you can have in sexual relationships. Makes it easier to tell the healthy from the not-so-much, eventually.

I don't think the overall numbers matter much at all when the conversations come up in relationships. We've all made a range of different choices at different times in life. It's more of question of where you're head's been at in the past, and where it is now, that's important in the discussion.

posted by Miko 24 August | 10:23

Well, as long as they're hot.

I suppose I could cook them in the jacuzzi... but no one's hotter than you, my love. : )

*puts on oven mitts*

posted by Pips 24 August | 10:26

i have several friends who are still in their young 20's/late teens who have had more partners than you.

there as an ask.me thread about this awhile back...but i can't be bothered to link it.

and (on preview) i agree with miko. personally, i tend to view the reasons why you slept with someone more important than the numbers; and everyone's reasons are going to be different and mean different things. what i view as a "good reason" is not going to match up with everyone else and that's okay. i would just wonder about someone who had a lot of regrets in their sexual history. in a perfect world, that shouldn't happen.

posted by stynxno 24 August | 10:32

*gets jon and pips a room; glances around, also enters room*

Hey, there's room for 2 more!

posted by tr33hggr 24 August | 11:18

Wow, you all are a) way more exciting and b) way more open about this sort of thing than me.

posted by tommasz 24 August | 11:24

This thread is useless without pictures.

posted by essexjan 24 August | 11:30

im 29 started at 15 and have 30(give or take a couple) notches on my headboard.

only one hot piece of man for the past 5 years tho.

so i guess i'm a bigger slut than you if that makes you feel better.

what reason is there to sleep with people besides "sex feels good"?

no regrets.

posted by slackshot 24 August | 11:31

Do non-humans count?

posted by danostuporstar 24 August | 11:34

My numbers are pretty high, although over the last five years they've slowed dramatically. Yeah, I slept around like a demon in my late teens and early 20s: remember, I'm 43, and 25 years ago the sexual revolution had happened, all the STDs had been eradicated (remember those 5 years?) and, as a wild child long haired artsy chick, it behooved me to sleep with everyone who asked, because it seemed weird, uptight and rude to refuse. It seemed like we all did; at least my group of friends were like that. I'm kind of glad the climate of the times has changed, to be honest, although I don't really regret much. Well, a few. I regret a few, eeesh. . .don't ask about. . uh, just don't ask.

Miraculously, I never caught anything. Except kids, but that was a bit later. ;-) Then, as I got older it was mostly serial monogamy, but there were times in my life when that serial moved pretty damn fast, and the longest relationship I've ever had only lasted 5 years. Which is all to say that I'm closer to item's soon to be ex-wife in the #s area than I am to LT. It's strange though, because somehow or other it's all been quite vanilla (which is okay with me!) and I've managed to be less experienced in a lot of ways than friends of mine with way fewer lovers.

Sigh for the long lost sexy times. Nowadays? I've been essentially celibate for about three years now and that's not entirely by choice. Which is a whole 'nother long tale. So, uh, no, LT, I don't think 20 partners is that many.

posted by mygothlaundry 24 August | 11:56

This is from a Roseanne show, as best I can remember.

Jackie: It's not like I've been with THAT MANY men . . . . just, like, maybe 3 guys in a year, for 20 years . . . my god, that's 60. Oh my god.

Fred: I don't even know 60 people . . . .

posted by JanetLand 24 August | 12:04

tr33hgrr: anyone with Prufrock on his user page can enter our room (with or without coffee spoon) anytime... ; )

(is it getting crowded in here?)

posted by Pips 24 August | 12:33

somehow or other it's all been quite vanilla...

*fixes mygoth a caucasion, with vanilla absolut (my special touch)* : )

posted by Pips 24 August | 12:41

Yeah, it's weird the way it ebbs and flows. Despite my protests that I have always been very happy being single, all but 3 of the last 15 years of my life I've been in (monogamous) relationships. I don't really know how that happened.

It was a very entertaining 3 years though.

posted by gaspode 24 August | 12:42

(is it getting crowded in here?)

Eh.

*snaps riding crop*

The safe word is 'banana.'

posted by jonmc 24 August | 12:43

Hey, try not to suck any dick on the way through the parking lot!

posted by Divine_Wino 24 August | 12:44

I've managed to be less experienced in a lot of ways than friends of mine with way fewer lovers

Yeah mgl, one of the interesting things about the LTR is that things have the potential to get a lot more, well, interesting with one person over a lot of time than with many people for shorter amounts of time each. Sure, it doesn't always happen that there's better sex in LTRs, but it's true that number of partners is not really a reliable indictor of range of interests, experiences, preferences or skill as a lover.

posted by Miko 24 August | 13:05

(she said, not at all defensively ;) )

posted by Miko 24 August | 13:40

roger that.

posted by jonmc 24 August | 13:40

25 years ago the sexual revolution had happened, all the STDs had been eradicated (remember those 5 years?)
mgl - ah yes, the eighties. That's what I was referring to "...before and just after the time that we'd started to hear about AIDS...". (I can remember when it was still called GRID). A friend of mine likes to taunt me with bits of her history - she was in London in 1967 - which to her account was the best time to be alive. It was the sexual revolution, you couldn't really die from anything and everybody was having fun with everybody else. "Aye t'was fantastic," she'd say in her lovely Scots accent, "much better than 'tis now as ye don't know if yer goin to die or not!"
So. That having been said, Miko's right too, IMHO. Fucking has it's place when you need release or a warm body for a night, but ultimately it is, to quote John Lydon, nothing more than 2 minutes 55 seconds of slurping noises. For anything else (games/quality/whatever) there usually has to be some kind of attachment to work with.

posted by Zack_Replica 24 August | 14:12

Early twenties late bloomers REPRESENT.

Two. I'd blame the social phobia, but, after reading the above comments, it certainly didn't help that I came of age during the "IF YOU TOUCH THEM YOU WILL DIE!!1111!!111oneeleven" era, ya jerks.

posted by Skwirl 24 August | 15:56

I'm on the Pips and Skwirl end of this spectrum, but my roommate is on the "too many guys to count on two hands. Just during her undergrad." end of the spectrum. She sometimes accuses me of "judging" her for having fun and screwing about in college, but I know she's just sort of jealous of my one-man lifestyle. If the tables were turned, she'd be jealous of all the great guys I was seeing... (In other words, the grass is always greener).

posted by muddgirl 24 August | 16:40

it is, to quote John Lydon, nothing more than 2 minutes 55 seconds of slurping noises.
So, what do you do for the other 2 minutes and 25 seconds?

posted by dg 24 August | 17:07

I've also been a serial monogamist throughout my life, with the exception of the year and a half between my first husband and the man who would be my second husband. That year and a half was fun! I doubled my number of partners in that time. But, I've stopped at 12. And it's true that you get a bit more adventurous as the relationship progresses. ^-^

As Mae West once said, "It's not the men in my life, it's the life in my men."

posted by redvixen 24 August | 18:36

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