No idea, but if anyone does figure it out, please let me know.

After having problems with a couple of clingy people in my youth, I became very wary and never let those kinds of friendships develop again... Or if one sneaks up on me (clinger masquerading as non-clinger), I nip it in the bud. Sounds cold, but the psychic vampirism is too draining... or, even if it's not quite so bad, I still have neither the patience nor inclination to deal with the whole hurt-feelings merry-go-round... I just won't stick my head in that loop.

When I meet new friends, I try to make it clear from the jump that I'm not that social, not a big phoner/emailer, and that I need a lot of time alone; if they nag me, I'm just that much less inclined to see them.

None of which helps with the immediate question, of course. You might try describing the situation in terms they can relate to... that the need for solitude is like an inversion of loneliness, and that being denied that time alone inflicts just as much need and longing and pain as a desperately lonely person in forced isolation feels.

You could always try hinting at some embarrasing and disgusting stomach virus/"feminine" problem/deep dark terrible secret that must be dealt with for a few days. Of course, that might make you a dishonest bunny :(

I hang out pretty much exclusively with guys who seem to take it OK when I decline to hang out with them for a few days.

Been there. Very needy. She couldn't handle it and never understood it, no matter how busy or burnt out she knew I could be, even though I was much older and worked a full-time job PLUS practically full-time animal welfare work, AND she knew I was an only child and so used to my alone-time.

I dunno. Tell the person, "Maybe I'm weird, but this is just the kind of person I am, and it's not you." If the person doesn't understand, they're not very understanding.

Mr. Kitty and I spent 6 hours chatting over coffee refills at Denny's on our first date. I clearly remember myself saying "...and sometimes I just leave. I get in the car and I go away. I need time to myself and sometimes that's the only way I can get it." He prefers that I don't go away, so when I ask for "me time," I get it.

taz, is that why you never call anymore?

/pout

Seriously though mup, we are all different. Jen needs alone time to recharge. It's just the way she is. Sophie is the same, despite her super-social nature. She comes in the house some days and heads straight for the computer, to just play some nick jr games, because she can't take anymore human interaction.

Ev and I on the other hand, tend to recharge via interaction with people. I think it's even documented in a book Jen and I read called Nature Vs. Nurture. This book ties children's needs into their whole "INTJ" personality test thingy. I forget the name of that personality test!

It's silly to take it personally when an alone-time recharger needs alone time, and I try to view it as being in all of our best interests to help those loved ones get some BEFORE it comes to them needing a weekend to themselves!

"Caring for your introvert" is one of my favorite articles. The article "The highly sensitive person" is also excellent.

I am one of those people who can not seem to spend enough time alone.

Yeah, I need my alone, quiet time too. Like shane, I think for me, it comes from being an only child. It's actually why I don't mind my commute so much -- I can read and think without having to worry about paying attention to other people.

Because these things always happen, I married someone who is much happier around lots of people. Oh well.

For people you don't know all that well: "I'm really busy for the next couple days, but I'd love to see you on [name a time 48 hours from now]." It's reassuring because it doesn't sound like an amorphous break-up/distancing thing, since there's a definite end date.

For people you do know well, who might seriously question how "busy" you could possibly be: "I'm really kind of stressed out right now about [work or money or something that is not you], and I need some time to think through some stuff and relax. But I'd love to see you on [name a time 48 hours from now]."

The only usual objection to that that I get is "But we should go out and do something! That will make you feel better, not being alone!" at which point I say something like "Too many voices in my head right now, I need some quiet to sort them out now, but that sounds great for [48 hours from now]."

I've found there's no good way to make the majority of extroverts understand, so I've more or less stopped trying and just gone to making statements like "I can't see you for two days" statements of fact, presented without excuse or explanation, rather than openings for negotiation.

Something else: I've found that when I need a break, I sometimes don't need a physical break as much as an intellectual one, and I've had a great deal of luck suggesting "reading outings" with my extroverted friends when I was feeling the need to recharge. You both bring work or a book, you go to a cafe, and you don't talk to each other :-)

I actually really love doing that. And it seems the people-ness of the cafe keeps the extroverts from finding the whole thing weird.

I'm an introvert who can do banter, speak to large groups (requirement for my job)and generally appear to be extroverted at will. If I didn't know that I would have my down time, I wouldn't be capable of the above.

I was married to an extrovert and realized it much too late - he drained the life out of me. My best relationship, thus far, has been with another introvert with whom I shared many comfortable silences.

Since I have self-identified as such, I don't plan to disregard any and all extroverts in my life - only the ones who can't/won't understand my simple explanation of it.

I'm not sure I even see as an introvert/extrovert issue, though it does often break down that way. I think I'm more extroverted than introverted, but I still need lots of time alone... and sometimes people who consider themselves introverts can be the most demanding of one's time (when they feel comfortable with you, but not others, and dislike spending time alone).

As in gaspode's case, my husband is definitely extroverted, and very social... But he doesn't expect me to hang out with all that, and I don't expect him to stay home with a good book every night, so it works out fine. Wherever two people fall on the scale, they can still have a great relationship/friendship as long as they don't demand that the other person to do as they do.

It's probably a bad idea to emphasize HAVING TO GET AWAY. As occhiblu sensibly pointed out, proposing a plan for later is a much more considerate approach.

I think the introvert/extrovert dichotomy is a not-too-helpful oversimplification. Most of us need some solitude and some companionship. Any adult who still hasn't figured out that the specifics can vary from person to person, that the same person can need different proportions of solitude and companionship at different times, or that this has anything to do with social competence or intelligence, simply isn't paying attention.

Exactly, taz!

I'd say, "Leave me alone for a minute. If you can't handle a minute, leave me alone for good." Or something else blunt and abrupt.

See, if I need alone time, whoever these hypothetical people are, need to be used to me wanting time alone. I come back eventually, but anyone who can't handle my absence isn't the right friend for me.

"I'm going to need the next couple of days to myself, thanks for understanding."

If the person you're talking to is going to try to bend your words to make them insult her/him, then there's little point in mincing around. They'll look for the worst in anything you say (and reveal something lacking in their friendship -- the duty to give a friend the benefit of the doubt). Just tell 'em to go away.

"Listen, I've had about as much of this 'hanging out' shit as I can handle. Would you take a fucking hike already?"

Word, taz. I have friend who are in relationships where if one doesn't want to go out with a group of people, the other seems to see it as a rejection of him/her. Which I've watched lead to waaaay too many fights. My husband and I, when in that situation, usually come to a deal - I'll come out for 2 hours and enjoy myself ("you will have fun, dammit!") and leave, and he'll stay out.

Interesting topic. I like what y'all are saying.

I come down almost evenly balanced on the introvert/extrovert line. Which modality takes precedence depends on mood and personal energy level - how many other things might be demanding serious attention at any time, how well rested I am, how stressed, etc. I draw a lot of energy from being around people, but need alone time to recharge, as well.

I particularly notice this when travelling with people, even SOs or really close friends. Even though everything can be going really well and we're all having a marvelous time, sometimes I just need the solitary pleasure of walking a street, people-watching, or sitting with a book in a cafe. The freedom to not feel the need to respond and react to someone else, just for a little while, helps make it more of a pleasure later on. Things were much tougher when I was younger, and denied the need for alone time (thinking it was anti-social, weird), and stayed glued to the partner or the group for so long that I got irritable and picked a fight. That was a pretty juvenile way of negotiating space. At this point, I recognize it as a simple legitimate need and am very comfortable saying "I'm going to take an hour or two and just have some quiet time by myself, ok?"

(Since I became a runner, getting personal time while traveling is way more easy. Just get your shorts and sneakers on and ask your buddies energetically 'so who wants to go for a run?' Most often this is a guaranteed ticket for alone time.)

The general concept seems like something most grownup people could understand. If it became a problem in a relationship, despite a considerate handling of it as suggested, that would probably be a bit of a red flag. One of the amusing ironies of the request to be alone is that I've often used my alone time for writing or reflecting about the very people and things that I've just removed myself from. I find other people so kind of exciting and interesting that I get caught up in the moment, and can't always think around them, not in any considered and fruitful way. And I certainly don't want to be interrupting conversation to scribble down notes about them. So in a way, the alone time is essential in processing and understanding what happens during the together time.