MetaChat - I hate when friends break up: a vent

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18 June 2006

I hate when friends break up: a vent So, a long-term couple in my circle of friends just split up.→[More:]
It was messy as all get out, with a lot of he-said-she-said.
And everyone is taking sides.

I fucking hate that. Hate.

I'm friends with both of them. My roommate is friends with both of them. Everyone we know has been friends with both of them for years and years, since before they were a couple in many cases. But it seems like every girl in circle, other than me, has jumped to her side and declared him persona non grata (something I don't think she would even want!).
And it's driving me nuts. They were not there. They didn't live with them, and see their daily life. These aren't high schoolers, we're mostly in our mid-20s through early 30s!

I've taken sides in a breakup of friends once. Just once. And that was because I convinced her to dump him after taking her to the hospital because of him. This isn't like that. It's not abuse, it's not even cheating, it's just shit not working out and ending on a bad note. And this poor guy who I've known for seven years or so and seen to be nothing but a nice, decent person, is being treated like a leper.

And the irony....
My roommate and I have been accused of taking "his side" simply because we won't cut a friend out of our life, her or him.

post by: kellydamnit at: 02:12 | 9 comments

It sounds as if you and your roommate are the only ones acting like adults in this.

posted by essexjan 18 June | 03:09

I don't take sides and pretty much let everyone know that in advance. If I have reasons of my own for not hanging out, then it's usually apparent, even before the break up.
I recently went through the same thing and it's not fun. Stay true to your convictions and eventually people will come around!

posted by black8 18 June | 03:47

Ugh. After a similar experience, I decided that the person who demanded that I choose sides has essentially made the choice for me, and not in their favour. I try to conduct myself accordingly in any breakup I've been through, too--it just reflects badly on the person doing the demanding, as far as I'm concerned.

posted by elizard 18 June | 04:10

I do take sides. Not because it's the right thing to do, but because bad breakups leave people feeling especially vulnerable. Neither party will be acting rationally here, and I think what they both want is a friendship which feels protective. Sometimes that means siding with someone and agreeing with stuff you wouldn't normally agree with, but it's not about the logic, it's about a convoluted stream of anger which basically boils down to "I've still got friends haven't I. You're still my friend. You won't leave me too."

Take sides. If you can't sneak between them, choose a person.
Then wait, and when they start feeling confident again you can say you don't want to take sides any more, and you can try and build bridges with the other party.

posted by seanyboy 18 June | 05:10

It sounds like a young group you're dealing with, kelly... people for whom that whole idea of black and white blame-laying has not yet been tempered by life and experience. You can't change that.

Just continue being a friend to both, if you feel that way, and when you hear bullshitblahblah talking, set the speaker straight. The example you set will do more than anything else to educate your friends.

posted by taz 18 June | 05:14

Not taking sides is the way to go. It's hard, because people take sides with the noblest of intentions- to help someone dear to them solve problems/get over a bad time. But part of growing up means not saving the world and fighting all the battles for everyone you know.

It doesn't make you a bad person. They have their own business, they need to sort it out. Stick to your guns; it's the best way over the long haul.

posted by Doohickie 18 June | 11:14

This happened with my wife and I when we split. Great friends took sides, and I lost a lot of people I had begun to have excellent relationships with, some very dear to me. But I accept it as the fallout of such things, and I moved on. We split for amicable reasons and are still friends. So it goes.

posted by Lipstick Thespian 18 June | 13:16

This has occured in my group of friends (late 20s-late 30s) > and what we've had to do is choose who to invite to what. He likes sailing, she doesn't get invited out on boats. She likes movies, he doesn't get invited out to the theatre. Dinners/picnics/etc. the primary host chooses.

It is a mess, but I don't think that it is abnormal.

posted by k8t 18 June | 17:14

Honestly, I've always found that its up to the breaking up couple to set the tone. In cases where they make it clear that "you're with me or you're against me" then the friends take sides. In cases where at least one party explicitly says "Be sure to call [insert name here] and make sure s/he's ok, too" then the friends don't take sides.

But its nothing that you can control. Sadly.

posted by anastasiav 19 June | 06:33

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