MetaChat - For some reason, this Ask MeFi question really struck a nerve with me.

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06 June 2006

For some reason, this Ask MeFi question really struck a nerve with me. →[More:]And I can't figure out why! I've never been in that situation, on any side of it, at least not that I know of. Yet I haven't been able to get it off my mind since I read the question earlier this afternoon!
I wonder if it's because I currently have a crush on a guy whom I could see doing something like this. (He hasn't done something like this that I know of, but I emailed him the link and asked him what he thought.)
Anyhow, I wanted to bring this up here because I needed to get it off my chest and couldn't exactly bring it up at work.

post by: sisterhavana at: 20:06 | 34 comments

It's kinda weird and i can totally see people being weirded out by it
and yet any vibrating i've owned was a gift from a guy, and any sex toy i ever bought was for someone else (as just gifts, gag gifts, and oncer when i really hoped the person might learn something [she was horrified])--

sex toys are expensive.

posted by ethylene 06 June | 20:16

satan made me do it

posted by ethylene 06 June | 20:17

Haha for a second I wondered if the poster was dating a friend of mine.

posted by SassHat 06 June | 20:19

vibrating thing
gah, i gotta clean this keyboard
btw, do they have them at Amazon and i like the little pink kitty one with the tail--

posted by ethylene 06 June | 20:24

Well, the obvious-though-possibly-untrue psychology here is that the vibrator is a powerful symbol of male surrogacy. When a man gives a woman a vibrator, there's pretty strong connotations that it's an extension of his own penis. Isn't there?

Now, maybe that's not the case. Maybe it is the case but shouldn't be. But as people say in the thread, whether it's inherently "right" or not is only partly relevant—how she feels about it is also certainly relevant. That's part of what relationships are and part of why they can be a pain-in-the-ass. (That is: relationships are extremely ethically, um, relative things because what's most important is what seems right and wrong within the almost self-contained world of the relationship, not some external standard which might otherwise decide conflicts.)

posted by kmellis 06 June | 20:26

Wow, k... you took a perfectly racy issue and made it, well, kinda boring.

posted by Doohickie 06 June | 20:29

The question is all about how the asker feels about it
but the question is, is that a worse problem than stoop poop?

posted by ethylene 06 June | 20:30

Thanks for pointing that one out- that's a doozy. As usual, I think bingo hits it:

a person in a committed relationship with one person should not concern him- or herself with any other person's sexual pleasure.

Well and concisely put. And I'll hasten to add: It's okay for some people to have a different philosophy, but if one partner holds this very common belief, and the other does not, it's a legitimate and serious issue, and worth a much more respectful answer than 'get over it.'

posted by ThePinkSuperhero 06 June | 20:31

Maybe they just haven't been dating very long and don't know each other that well yet.

Who knows if he is concerned with her sexual pleasure?
It does make more of an impression than a garlic press.
I don't give out either to random strangers, though.

posted by ethylene 06 June | 20:40

You sent a link...to a discussion of buying a woman you aren't sleeping with a vibrator...to a guy you have a crush on...who you suspect might do something just like what's discussed.

Me, I just make mix tapes.

posted by cali 06 June | 20:44

"Wow, k... you took a perfectly racy issue and made it, well, kinda boring."

My specialty.

posted by kmellis 06 June | 20:59

You sent a link...to a discussion of buying a woman you aren't sleeping with a vibrator...to a guy you have a crush on...who you suspect might do something just like what's discussed.

We're friends and we can discuss such things. I wouldn't do it to someone I didn't know so well. : )

posted by sisterhavana 06 June | 21:53

So this gift, it - nah too easy.

posted by Mitheral 06 June | 21:55

So what if he sends you a vibrator?
Preferences?

posted by ethylene 06 June | 21:56

Jeez louise, I keep thinking about this too, for whatever reason. I'm a pretty, ah, liberal person, but I would be really upset if my partner wanted to buy a sex toy for an ex. I think I'd be more okay with it if it was purchased for just a platonic (past and present platonic) friend. I didn't even want to post in-thread cuz I was having a difficult time articulating why it creeped me out so much and I didn't have anything constructive to add besides, "Wha? Ack! Ick. ugggh."

posted by Uncle Glendinning 06 June | 23:24

You know what's more insulting than your boyfriend giving another woman a vibrator? Being given a vibrator by an ex. "Here ya go baby, hope you don't miss me too much. This should help, har har!"

What a tool.

or maybe,

What? A tool?

or,

What a tool!

posted by taz 06 June | 23:44

A vibrator is not an extension of a penis. The penis does not afford explosive clitoral orgasms. Unless, I suppose, said penis vibrates, and it is applied in other than the usual manner.

Got nothing against penises, just I think they're used for something different than vibrators are used for.

posted by matildaben 06 June | 23:47

You know what's more insulting than your boyfriend giving another woman a vibrator? Being given a vibrator by an ex. "Here ya go baby, hope you don't miss me too much. This should help, har har!"

That's what got me too. Actually, it was the explanation that he wanted to give it to her because he thought she was "cranky".

Oh, you're cranky! You just need a good deep-dicking! No you dipshit. I need a bigger bank account, a month's vacation and better health insurance. Now, bend over and let me show you where you can stick that vibrator.

Hmmm, I sound awfully cranky tonight. To the pornmobile!

posted by LeeJay 06 June | 23:49

I bought a sex toy for a girl I wasn't dating. She told me she didn't masturbate and had never had an orgasm. It wasn't an extension of my 'maleness' nor did I entertain thoughts of her thinking of me while she used it. It was a quality of life thing and I think everyone deserves the big O.
She was (and still is) one of my best friends.

A lot of our humor is scatalogical and no subject is taboo. No one has caused more fits of hysterical laughter than my friend!

You usually know the limits with your friends -- male and female. Unless a someone is totally clueless, they wouldn't give a friend something that would cause offense.

If I had a girlfriend, we probably wouldn't carry on in our 'usual' way in front of her, but alone? We'd be our regular sick selves.

And before you start wagging your fingers at me, I have a lot of female friends - most of whom I I've know 10 years or longer. I've got my quirks but I'm a reasonably normal guy -- I was somewhat surprised at the all the armchair psychology going on in that thread -- what if the boyfriend could be taken at his word?

YMMV.

posted by black8 07 June | 00:02

okay, i added an ibuzz to my wishlist
but i have no ipod so fat load o' good it does anyone.

Am i the only one who wants to give the guy the benefit of the doubt that he may not be an idiot sleazebag or put nearly as much thought into it?

i've lost my optimism
and my ability to capably mock satan

posted by ethylene 07 June | 00:13

I think people were reacting to his being a jerk toward the girlfriend, and had that not been an issue, more people would have said it's no big deal.

Also, if the poster's dating the same guy she posted about before, then I think the dude has some issues.

posted by occhiblu 07 June | 00:13

cars, cigars, guns, advanced teledildonics, etc can all be symbolic extensions of The Dong, i think, in the context that kmellis was getting at. though obviously they need not be.

I currently have a crush on a guy whom I could see doing something like this

...but he's married? already in a committed relationship? and you would like him to purchase a vibrating penis for you, or what? i personally would not buy a plastic vibrating dong for some chick, if i already had a girlfriend. although i think you have to (maybe) give the guy a little credit for asking her, first, rather than just buying it and keeping it all secret. rite?

posted by Wedge 07 June | 00:14

(And even if it's not the same guy, it sounds like she has some confidence/self-worth issues with the guys she's dating.)

posted by occhiblu 07 June | 00:14

aww, see, now black8 is an enlightened male
with a porny name but still--

oy, this projectothon...

posted by ethylene 07 June | 00:16

Man...I think I'd have bigger problem with the food than the sex toy...

Hmm.

posted by black8 07 June | 00:17

You usually know the limits with your friends -- male and female. Unless a someone is totally clueless, they wouldn't give a friend something that would cause offense.

Fair enough. I can say that I have male friends who could get away with giving me a vibrator. But an ex with a significant other who was also my friend and who is obviously uncomfortable with the whole vibrator situation? No thank you. I don't need all that drama in my head when I'm trying to shcedule some alone time.

posted by LeeJay 07 June | 01:09

TPS:

a person in a committed relationship with one person should not concern him- or herself with any other person's sexual pleasure.

This works when it's a man buying a woman a gift & vice-versa, but it doesn't work so well between good friends of the same sex.

So, when your bestest buddy is of the opposite sex, then this is simply another complication in the complex subject of opposite sex friendships. Not buying the vibrator may send "I think of you as more than a friend" signals.

*I'm ignoring gay relationships here for reasons of linguistic simplicity, but I assume the same sort of issues apply.*

On preview - I should maybe read the whole thread before commenting. Oh well.

posted by seanyboy 07 June | 02:06

I was in the same position and it was horrible. Even now, five years on, I can't explain the exact dynamics of it, except that for some reason it made me feel dirty. Probably because I was the only one with any moral scruples in the whole thing. The boyfriend and his friend didn't even address the possibilities that I might (a) find out (although Michelle couldn't wait to tell me all about it once she knew I knew) or (b) be hurt. And when both those things happened, Ben tried to make out that I was in the wrong by being 'unsophisticated' about him buying sex toys for other women.

(This was the Christmas that, at his request, I bought nice gifts for all his friends - including the two he bought secret dildos for - because he was 'no good at choosing things', with no monetary contribution from him, but he 'forgot' to buy me a Christmas gift. It was our last/only Christmas together, needless to say.)

posted by essexjan 07 June | 03:07

So what did the guy you sent the link to say? When is he taking you shopping? (Nice move, Sister. Well played.)

posted by rainbaby 07 June | 07:45

A vibrator is not an extension of a penis. The penis does not afford explosive clitoral orgasms.

That's why God gave us fingers and tongues.

posted by jonmc 07 June | 08:58

Hallelujiah.

posted by matildaben 07 June | 09:25

Crush is not currently married/engaged/otherwise taken (that I know of), though he does play the field. He hasn't responded to the link yet. I'll let you all know what he says. : )

(and no, this is not me asking him to take me shopping. I am perfectly capable of doing it myself. Um, if I were the type to buy such things, of course. ; ) )

posted by sisterhavana 07 June | 10:09

The only experience I have with vibrator purchasing is back when my wife and I went to Babes in Toyland for one for her and dog collar for me. (I somehow was under the impression that a dog collar would be fun to use during cunnilingus. It's not - it just makes your neck hurt more.)

So she definitely got the better end (pardon the pun) of that deal.

posted by Lipstick Thespian 07 June | 11:35

That's why God gave us fingers and tongues.
posted by jonmc 07 June | 08:58

Hallelujiah.
posted by matildaben 07 June | 09:25

Not to disrupt this little love-in, but you should know of all people, mats, that I choose my words carefully. Think about my choice of the word "extension". Could a vibrator bought by a woman for herself be an "extension" of a penis? Whose? Could a vibrator bought by a woman for another woman be an "extension" of a penis? Whose? But when a man buys a vibrator for a woman then I think there's either a strong psychological component for him where it's an extension of his penis or an implication to other people—particularly his female partner—that this is the case.

But, hey, if you want to go on thinking that I'm some misogynist who typically believes that a dildo or vibrator is just a poor substitute for a nice, hard cock, then don't let me get in the way or your knee-jerking. Or jonmc's posturing—yeah, thanks, jonmc for that unheard-of lovemaking tip. Kee-rist.

posted by kmellis 07 June | 12:02

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