MetaChat - In 20 minutes,

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02 May 2006

In 20 minutes, We have a company-wide meeting→[More:] where the muckety-mucks are gonna congratulate themselves on a company they bought that replaced two of my co-workers. And this meeting is going to be held in front of all us layofees. The business world is fucking surreal.

post by: jonmc at: 09:08 | 28 comments

It's very irritating to have to watch these guys pat eachother on the ass in front of 18 people they're putting on the street.

posted by jonmc 02 May | 09:17

Perhaps you could read the want ads during the meeting.

posted by JanetLand 02 May | 09:24

Surely they'll do the ass-patting later? Isn't this where they say how sorry they are that guys are leaving and wish them well in their endeavours? Even for those who aren't getting the shove, that would smell pretty bad, no?

posted by GeckoDundee 02 May | 09:25

If they start playing tamborines and handing out Kool Aid, don't drink it..
Pour it into a plant or something, when everyone starts groaning and falling over, just do the same. Wait for the twitching to stop and then crawl out and head to the bar.

posted by Divine_Wino 02 May | 09:27

WEll, you could do as I plan to do today, and go home. I'm not going home sick, I'm going home disgusted.

posted by Miko 02 May | 09:28

I used to be disgusted...

posted by Hugh Janus 02 May | 09:33

I'm deep in dis pear!

posted by Divine_Wino 02 May | 09:35

I am sure that one of them will start down the "change is good" path. If it were me and someone did that, he'd find himself eating his Blackberry.

Good luck with it. . .

posted by danf 02 May | 09:39

...And now I try to be amused.

posted by safetyfork 02 May | 09:49

Will there at least be donuts? I recommend something messy, with powdered sugar and blackberry jelly you can smear all over the nice naughahyde.

posted by Pips 02 May | 09:56

No donuts, no coffee, no kool-aid even. Just a lot of talk about (no joke) how the company was entering a 'new era.' New era, my rosy red ass. The (Seattle-based) digital media company we acquired adds 60 employees to the company. But we lose 18 here. Life is a fucking cabaret.

I need several drinks.

posted by jonmc 02 May | 10:24

Also, the layoffs were not even mentioned. Just a whole lotta CorpSpeak that flew right over most of our heads.

posted by jonmc 02 May | 10:29

or, from the same era: just remember you'll only be the boss so long as you pay my wage

posted by Capn 02 May | 10:33

the best revenge is living well. find a better job and bring over as many of their remaining employees from that division as you can.

posted by shmegegge 02 May | 10:44

You need start thinking outside the box and embrace the new paradigm of corporate synergy here. This mission-critical function is win-win as you bring value-added solutions and resources that leverage your skill set and exploit your core competencies. You really need to get this on your radar.

posted by Otis 02 May | 10:45

And put out some small fires. Beer works for that.

posted by goatdog 02 May | 10:50

my god, otis hit that so well that I actually got angry reading it, despite knowing it was intentional parody.

posted by shmegegge 02 May | 10:51

Creeps. They should have just paid you off and let you go. What is the point of this charade?

posted by StickyCarpet 02 May | 11:36

My workplace is kind of surreal this month as well; mine's more absurd, though, instead of vicious. In an attempt to improve the work atmosphere, all museum employees will be required for the next month to keep an index card every day where we have to make little check marks every time we're nice to a coworker or a museum visitor. The program also requires employees to carry little slips of paper to give to each other when someone is nice. All cards and slips must be handed in to supervisors at the end of every day, who will use them to tally how we're improving our niceness.

Another part of it was that we had to sign a "contract" pledging two things we would do to improve the place. My two: I'd stop scowling at children in the hall, and refrain from having inappropriate medical conversations in the galleries.

posted by cobra! 02 May | 11:38

Wow, cobra!, that starts to make living in a cave and trapping small animals look pretty good.

posted by StickyCarpet 02 May | 11:49

Yeah, I have trouble believing that this is actually happening. It makes me feel like writing fiction or comedy is pointless, because there's nothing I could make up that's weirder (or more humilating) than this.

posted by cobra! 02 May | 12:00

I guess they thought it would be worse to have a pep-rally meeting but tell those 18 people being laid-off stay at their desk. I'd personally rather sit at my desk, but I can see why they told you to go.

posted by mullacc 02 May | 12:31

From the other side of the fence, I actually understood some of what was going on and I'm actually excited about what's happening. Of course, of the three MeCha members here, I'm the only one still employed after June...

posted by TrishaLynn 02 May | 12:49

That's nice, but you know what, I've just about had it with the whole Corporate America/Office Space thing.

posted by jonmc 02 May | 12:52

Eeeeyick. Corp speak gets under my skin like nothing else. I can barely take a few minutes of it without wanting to smack someone. It's so impersonal and silly and it reduces what should be meaningful moments to a few worthless minutes of jargon-spouting. Bah. I'm sorry you got stuck listening to it.

posted by LeeJay 02 May | 13:20

Every time my boss corporatespeaks to me, I say, "[Boss], that sounds like bullshit. What are you saying to me?"

And he immediately explains himself in plain language. I don't think anyone who knows better likes corporatespeak. I just think there are a lot of dummies in corporate America, all the way up and down, who use it to cover their incompetence.

posted by Hugh Janus 02 May | 13:26

Cobra!'s story reminds me of our Tasty Cake manager, Jon. Jonmc and I used to work at a Borders in Connecticut where the manager put Tasty Cakes in our breakroom mailboxes as "little rewards." At least if it was Hostess...

It's the Mr. Rogers School of Management, I tell ya (not to disparage Mr. Rogers), trying to nice ya into Skinner's box (if it's not quotas, it's Tasty Cakes).

And Jon, first round's on me...

posted by Pips 02 May | 14:10

Hugh, I was thinking that there should be a term like security theater, but for times like these. And how about employees that just throw a bunch of ideas they saw in BusinessWeek into a project, with no feeling for whether they're going to work or not. Corporatespeak is totally competency theater. Getting all your great project ideas from BusinessWeek (and god forbid, Wired) is totally productivity theater.

posted by halonine 02 May | 17:54

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