I think people are thinking it will spontaneously organize, especially because people have been mad at each other and not talking for a few years so it's not like one of them is going to coordinate anything. There's four of we grandkids here now, but my sister and I are the only ones who are close to neutral parties. So we're supposed to take charge? I don't want to. Maybe my sister will. This is all very weird.

My dad seems okay, but I still worry because he (second born) and Jim (first born) spent literally years in several different hospitals together as children when no one had a clue as to what was wrong with their hips. When one was in a hospital and the other wasn't, they played chess by mail. They both dropped out of high school to work to support the family (six kids) because my grandfather was a drunk and wasn't working and they were hungry. My dad got a degree and Jim didn't, but they both became programmers and Jim had started with Raytheon or something 40 years ago. Jim and his widow didn't have children because of our congenital disease. Dad and Jim have adjacent plots of land at Lake Heron, south of Chama. This morning, I told Dad that I was a bit worried about him because "for a long time in different ways, it was [he] and Jim alone together, trying to get by".

And it bothers me that I'm not more upset—Jim was probably my favorite uncle, a few times just he and I went fishing together. One time when I was a teenager, just the three of us (dad, me, Jim) were going to go on a fishing trip together but the morning that we were preparing to leave, my dad got irrationally angry with me for some trivial thing and declared that I wasn't going to go. Jim got word of that and promptly told me, and then Dad, that I was, in fact, going to go fishing with them. I've always been absurdly grateful for that—one of the very few times when anyone spoke up for me against my dad's abuse. I loved Jim; but apparently because I hadn't seen him in 12 years, I'm not that upset at his death. Dammit. He was only 64.

Sorry. Just had to get that off my chest. Other people post rants and raves and similar stuff from their lives here—I'm hoping that it's okay that I have. I don't mean to be self-absorbed.

I haven't talked with any of you guys in IRC for awhile...I hope everyone is well.

My heart goes out to you, kmellis. (Check your e-mail.)

I wouldn't kick yourself about not being more upset at his death. Clearly, his life meant something to you, and that's what's important. Sometimes we're subconsciously prepared for someone's passing, and although 64 can seem a young age to pass for natural causes, it is a good length of time you can have a full life in without regrets. You will always remember him and care about him, and that matters a lot more than feeling maudlin on the occasion of his passing. Cliche but truer than a knife in your back: death is part of the natural course of life, and having the space in your heart to understand someone's passing into it speaks of profound love that extends beyond life, as well as a firm grasp on the big picture of our brief visits upon this rock.

Feel his passing in your own time in your own way. That would mean the most to him anyway.

Whatever you feel is the right thing to feel. Don't second guess it. My cousin John was more like a brother than a cousin but when he died at the age of 41 I did not cry. About a year later a Cherry red GTO, a summer night and some 80's rock came together to bring it all to me and I cried for two days. There is no right way or time for grieving other than how YOU deal with it.

There's very little I can say, but my heart goes out and I'm sorry for your trouble.

I'm sorry about your loss; stay well.

I have always found that it is best to avoid looking too closely at one's own response to grief. Loss and shock really pry back the lid on the psychic and adrenal cesspools and what comes out is not always usefully interpretable. In other words how you feel is how you feel and will change constantly over time.

If I was you I wouldn't worry too much about being in charge of setting up a funeral (and playing UN to all the warring family members), just remember your uncle (as you are doing) and perhaps set aside a specific time to memorialize him in a way consistent with your own notions of formality.

Wow. Wino said so well what I was kind of ruminating over but couldn't quite express. Yes.

What everybody upthread said... don't stress out over how you think you ought to feel. You feel what you feel and never know, as arse_hat pointed out, how that might change over time. Or not.

I was just wondering this morning how you were, and how you were dealing with all this... sorry to hear of the family drama on top of everything else. :P Stay strong, bud.

You clearly are upset, and your grief seems pretty normal to me. In American society we don't have clear social rules for our responsibilities and obligations to extended family, and I think that is throwing you off a bit. Is there money for a funeral in the estate? (Is there an estate?) If so, I think you could just dump the whole organizational task on a funeral director, give him a list of phone numbers and you are done.

Sympathies, k.

kmellis, I can't really add anything to the great wisdom upthread. I wouldn't want you to put pressure on yourself to organize anything; you can make your peace in your own way, and I would say it is incumbent upon those in his own generation, his own siblings, to wrestle with their conflicted emotions and decide what to do.

I'm sorry you lost a relative and an ally, and I hope you can find some support and stability there among your assembled family. Thank you for posting here and allowing us to be of whatever support we can be, in thankful return for your many kind thoughts for others.

So we're supposed to take charge? I don't want to. Maybe my sister will.

Is your sister likely to set up something that you will be able to attend? If not, and you want to be at whatever happens, it may be worth your while to take the reins.

I'm with PST. Keep us posted, k.

kmellis, sympathies for your loss.
Personal data here: when my dad passed away, I hated how people criticized me and my sister for our arrangements. Try to avoid going through this, if you can. It can harm relationships for ever, despite the fact that you might try to rationalize and explain certain behaviors. Hugs.

Thanks again, everyone. You guys are the best.

Thinking of you, kmellis. This sort of stuff is never easy. I imagine the emotional impact will hit you later-when my husband lost his dad last year it was that way.

Just do the best you can with whatever you wind up having to deal with. That IS good enough.

The Divine Mr. Wino is brilliant as usual. Hang in there, kmellis.