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12 March 2006
Oh, man. I'm kinda in shock. My dad just told me that his older brother died this morning.→[More:]He's the eldest in this childhood photo of the four older children; and he's the bearded man in this photo from about ten years ago. (more)
I'm the oldest grandchild, and while I was growing up all of my dad's brothers and sisters and their families were relatively close. A bunch of things changed ten years ago, in my opinion the it was the long-delayed fall-out of my grandfather's suicide in 1967. But specifically Jim and his wife were estranged from all his siblings because he had strongly opposed the sale of my grandmother's house four years and her move into a nursing home.
I've been here in Albuquerque now for 17 months and there's been many times that I considered just stopping by his house unexpectedly. But I didn't. I've said to several of my relatives that they'd best start talking to one another because are going to start dying soon. Well, that's happened.
I've loved Jim, he always seemed something like a crotchety mountain man type. All my dad's family fish and hunt in the mountains of norther New Mexico, but Jim is the only one to have built a nice cabin at a lake up there. He and his wife had both retied—I know they were up there most of the time these last years.
I just called my sister. I don't cry much anymore, I don't know why. I'm not crying now, I'm just sort of numb. I guess posting this is some sort of means of letting myself feel and express certain things.
He was in the hospital with some problem with his liver, but was apparently doing okay and his wife and her mother were in the hospital room with him when he unexpectedly died. I'm very worried about how this will affect both my grandmother and my father. Especially my father.
Oh gosh, how awful, man. I'm sorry to hear that, and I wish you luck with the after-efects on your family... my own family has some of those "lingering issues" that seem to keep reverberating down the years, so I know how those can be.
And anytime we lose a relative we loved and respected, it sucks. Hugs to you, bud.
My condolences, kmellis. A lot of times people in my extended family are estranged from each other. One always fears that something will happen before they have made up. Isn't it strange how hard it is for those involved to see this. I'm sorry.
Down here, we're waiting to hear if my favorite aunt has lung cancer or not, so I may be about to be in your shoes. If the bad news comes, well, I don't know. It won't be good, obviously. I'm sorry to hear about your uncle, k. I hope there's some peace for you somewhere on the other side of this.
I'm sorry for your loss, Keith, and for your dad's and grandmother's, too. Maybe this will prompt your family to heal those rifts, or at least to make the effort toward that end. I'm thinking you might take an important role in this, as you're so good at talking things through and eliciting deeper thoughts and feelings from others.
Thank you very much, everyone. I haven't cried, my first impulse is to try to do something productive about it. My dad is emotionally exhausted, so I called my sister to let her know, and my mom, who always really liked Jim a lot. And then I just called both my dad's sisters, both live here in ABQ, just to check in with with them, give them my love, etc. My dad and the older sister have been estranged and, although it didn't need to be this way, for practical purposes I'd been estranged from her. But she was very happy that I called her. Even though there's not going to be a funeral, the out-of-town siblings are going to be here Mon or Tues.
*sigh* I think I don't deal with death very well. I wish I knew how to let myself be very sad and upset.
Okay, Kmelle Mel - first of all - you don't need to know how to let yourself be anything, because the reality of your feelings will just take over and flow. Let them. When my mom died, I went numb as linoleum until the doctor told me that it was a good thing I'd gone to the hospital because she wouldn't be around in the morning, and I just fucking totally lost it.
So, it's okay to be numb, and it's going to be okay to not be. I had to tell my family that my Mom was dying and my sibs barely got there in time.
I know you and I share a lot of stuff, some good, some not-so, but boy if there's ever a time I feel ya, it's now.
Peace, man, there's strength to be found in all of this, even if you can't see it now. But it will come.
My condolences, kmellis. My best to your dad and I hope that things don't get complicated.
My father's younger brother (who was wanted in several African and SE Asian countries for murder and drug/human trafficking) committed suicide earlier this year and I drove all of my family currently in N. America, earlier today, to the airport to spend some time with my maternal grandmother before she dies (docs give her a half year or so).
I'm sorry to hear this, kmellis. Being in the middle of a family feud that you had nothing to do with is hard. (As a result of a long ago rift, I've only just recently met some of my relatives.) My condolences.
My grandfather was estranged from his sister for nearly 30 years. Thye had completely lost touch. He died in the late 80s, and oddly, about a month afterward, his sister got in touch, hoping to mend fences and re-connect. My grandmother had to tell her it was a month too late. But, the brighter side: we renewed ties with that side of the family. We discovered a whole wonderful network of counsins and aunts and uncles we had formerly never known. Now we call, send cards, visit, and stay in touch. Today we are a family.
kmellis: When a very close friend died, I contemplated sitting shiva for her, but couldn't really justify missing work for seven days because I had to fly to Cali for the wake and I'm not Jewish. But the idea of people just being able to focus on their grief and other people letting them is cool.
I'm sorry for your loss and your family is in my thoughts. It was really nice of you to call your aunt like that. I do hope that just like miko's fam, yours will be able to pull together, too.
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