MetaChat - Womanly sex toy advice required.

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15 February 2006

Womanly sex toy advice required. →[More:]We were recently talking with a very good friend (28yo female, currently single), who is having severe sexual frustration. Her morality prohibits casual sex, and there's nobody she's really into at the moment.

She doesn't know how to masturbate (and wasn't even sure what the clitoris is).

We made a convincing sales pitch that she would really enjoy some toys and solo exploration. She's asked us to buy her something.

What should we get her?

post by: mosch at: 17:20 | 30 comments

Do you have to actually make the purchase? It would maybe be better to get her a gift certificate to Good Vibrations or something. (And she can shop online to avoid the embarassment.) I mean, whatever you get her she'd probably use, but it might not be the thing that rings her bells, you know? And none of us can tell you what that thing might be.

[Sorry. I know that really didn't answer the question, moschy. :) ]

posted by mudpuppie 15 February | 17:23

Two words: silver bullet.

; ) ; ) ; )

posted by sisterhavana 15 February | 17:27

Back in the day, my, ah, friend was advised by her local sex shoppe to start off with the pocket rocket. It's small, cute, not intimidating and perfect for first-time sex toy experimenters. My friend has since decided this isn't right for her in all moods, but still considers it a great starting-off point.

posted by Uncle Glendinning 15 February | 17:29

For noobs, I recommend the World's Smallest Massager. It fits on the tip of your finger and you can get it at regular stores, so it doesn't seem like a "sex toy."

Once you get comfortable, you can work your way up to something with more firepower.

posted by jrossi4r 15 February | 17:30

If you get her a vibrator, buy something reasonably sized. Buy something huge and it'll totally freak her out.

But yea, I second mudpuppie- get the woman a gift certificate to Toys in Babeland- they have a store location in NYC and they're very woman friendly.

posted by ThePinkSuperhero 15 February | 17:31

Assuming that she's in the same town, why not take her with you on a shopping trip and let her decide; just be there for immoral support.

posted by urbanwhaleshark 15 February | 17:32

What else but a rabbit, of course!

posted by essexjan 15 February | 17:32

As a postscript, the fact that she asked you means that she is comfortable talking about sex with you and she trusts you. Have fun with the occasion. Make a day of it, spend time browsing vibrators, take in a show, go to a wine bar. Now who hasnt done that?

posted by urbanwhaleshark 15 February | 17:38

boop

Look at sites like babeland and xandria and see what people have said about various products. Or use google groups, probably dozens of usenet discussions in the various alt.sex groups on the topic.

posted by weretable and the undead chairs 15 February | 17:38

I totally second the rabbit, but if she's not into penetration, then something that would work just for clit stimulation would be good.

However, if y'all could go out together and she could pick something out, that might be best.

posted by jaksemas 15 February | 17:39

Just want to second taking her to Toys in Babeland & looking together. The store is great & comfortable. Also, buy her a nice sexuality book if she can't find her clitoris. They'll have them at the store too, and really, it just makes me sad.

posted by dame 15 February | 17:45

Unfortunately, she's not willing to make the purchase herself (or to go to the sorts of stores where the shopping would be done), so the shopping and the choice have been off-loaded onto us.

We're fairly sure she's never had an orgasm. (we asked directly, and she wasn't sure. definitely not a good sign.)

Given what she discussed (sometimes horniness, sometimes a desire to get fucked), we were thinking about getting her two toys. Perhaps something for clitoral stimulation, and something else for penetration.

Unfortunately, we're far from toy experts (we only have two, total), so we're a bit unsure. I guess we could always go over to Toys in Babeland and pick up a few possibilities, then buy her whatever wins... but any guidance would be useful.

posted by mosch 15 February | 17:46

Also, buy her a nice sexuality book if she can't find her clitoris.

And a hand-mirror.

posted by urbanwhaleshark 15 February | 18:00

A rabbit?! I hope you were just riffing on the site theme. Those things look like weapons. (btw, the only women I knew who had rabbits were strippers, but don't read anything into that. ;-P )

posted by mischief 15 February | 18:19

Hitachi Magic Wand.

posted by box 15 February | 18:31

My god. Offer to give her a single, one-time-only special night of quality sex. If she hasn't had an orgasm, she has been criminally cheated!

posted by Five Fresh Fish 15 February | 18:47

The Hitachi Hammer of God is a pretty big hoss for a repressed first-timer to ride. Consider something non-representational, and for goodness' sake, don't forget the slippery stuff.

posted by Triode 15 February | 19:26

Pocket Rocket rules. Silver Bullet is a close second. I'd stay away from large (e.g., Hitachi) and/or penetrative (rabbit) in this case.

posted by matildaben 15 February | 19:28

Darnit, GV! >:( I meant to link the Laya and Eros

posted by Triode 15 February | 19:30

Fuck me! A thousand quid for a vibrator?! Tho I do love that some have their own docking facility. Perhaps a docking port with wireless connectivity is next; if its being used too much it sends out a distress call.

posted by urbanwhaleshark 15 February | 19:36

I'm going to strongly recommend this book. Betty Dodson is shy-friendly; in fact, she's downright grandmotherly. She's been writing about female sexual development since the 70s, and this kind of case is her forte. She'll break down the intimidation factor completely. Sure, there are cooler, hipper, edgier sex books out there -- but they'll probably scare your friend silly. Start with this one. And the toys will be excellent eventually, but I still really recommend she start with just her fingers (and that mirror) and get to know what's happening down there before latex and silicone enter the picture. She's brand new at this -- the toys are gonna be Stage II.

The "Customers Who Bought This Book Also Bought..." has some other good choices. The book "For Yourself" is also probably just about your friend's speed. But Betty will be the best first pick. By the way, she writes the Q & A for BUST (how I love that mag), which gives your friend something to 'graduate' to.

posted by Miko 15 February | 20:11

Reflecting on it a bit, accompanying her on a trip to a store like Babeland or Good Vibes might be a positive growth experience. She would get to see that there is no shame in the shopping, no creepy guys in raincoats, and most importantly: When she hands over her ATM card, there are no flashing lights and sirens, and cops and nuns don't jump from behind the counter.

In contrast, her enlisting a close friend to do the dirty work only reinforces the idea that there is something shameful and sordid about the whole transaction.

There's no need to push someone into a traumatic experience in the name of personal development, but if you discussed the benefits of the experience w/ her and she agreed to the trip, you might be doing her a greater favor. But either way - good on ya for helping her learn to double-click her mouse!

posted by Triode 15 February | 20:17

Triode says exactly what i meant, but lucidly.

posted by urbanwhaleshark 15 February | 20:19

if she can't find her clitoris. They'll have them at the store too

Ah, but if it were that easy ...

posted by stilicho 15 February | 20:25

UWS says exactly what I meant, but concisely.

posted by Triode 15 February | 20:27

can't you just tell her to light candles, make a bubble bath, and explore down there? (the water would hide what she's doing so won't be too ashamed and she can just see what makes her feel good), then you guys can get together and from what happened then you can take it a step further with a toy.

God gave us all hands and fingers because they're useful in every possible situation, you know. : >

posted by amberglow 16 February | 00:28

Make it clear that the Magic Wand is only OUTSIDE. ;-)

posted by brujita 16 February | 01:25

Sure, the Magic Wand might be a little bit imposing, but it's also the Technics SP1200, or the Swiss Army Knife or the Dremel or the Debian or something, of vibrators. Yeah, upon further reflection, there might be better choices.

posted by box 16 February | 08:10

If you can, talk her into a joint trip. My first (and only, alas) trip into a sex shop was embarrassing for about five minutes. I had fun after that.

I'll echo what's said above about what to purchase:
Small vibrator, plain dildo and a book about self-pleasuring. Maybe a second book about sex in general - maybe erotica (nothing overly kinky - just good enough to get the ..er.. juices flowing). Talk to a salesperson - s/he (preferrably a she) should have good advice.

posted by deborah 16 February | 10:06

Not to seem heartless, but should you be purchasing an assertiveness course for her instead of a vibrator?

That said, buy an assortment of "toys", they aren't that expensive, and can you really put a price on sexual contentment? Give her five or six choices in various types, and let her experiment a little.

posted by King of Prontopia 16 February | 13:33

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