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13 February 2006

Ask MeCha: I am in terrible need of a new job. The girl's current job is awesome and a great fit for me and her company is hiring. She feels a uncomfortable at the prospect of working with me and dating me. Do I apply for the job? Other advice?
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[NB: I am going to talk with her, in depth, about my conundrum: my desire to have a good job versus my desire to keep her happy]

post by: sciurus at: 09:53 | 28 comments

If you could be in a different department and not right near her or have to report to her or be on top of each other all day, i'd say go for it. if not, no.

posted by amberglow 13 February | 10:01

Small firm?

I would think it's a little bit hard to swing the argument if you are actually going to be in each other's pocket, but if there's 'space' then maybe she will be persuaded.

posted by peacay 13 February | 10:02

I wouldn't do it, unless the company is big enough that you wouldn't really see each other at all.

If you'd be working with/near each other, that's a whole damned lot of together.

posted by mosch 13 February | 10:02

Yeah, quite a small firm, less than 20 people and the "that's a whole damned lot of together" is mainly what I'm worried about. But the job pays twice what I make now, has excellent perks, travel opportunities and most importantly, is challenging.

The job market in Cleveland sucks, so this is a rare opportunity.

posted by sciurus 13 February | 10:09

If she's taking care of you financially, I would discuss that issue with her in consideration of whether to take the job, given the job market. I've heard that most women prefer their men gainfully employed over wilfully dependent.

posted by AlexReynolds 13 February | 10:18

Boy, that's a tough one.

posted by ThePinkSuperhero 13 February | 10:20

apply, but let her have the last word if you're offered something?

posted by amberglow 13 February | 10:21

She feels a uncomfortable at the prospect of working with me and dating me.

Do you feel uncomfortable applying, know that she feels uncomfortable? It's a tough situation. Some people, and I am one of them, don't like too much togetherness.

posted by iconomy 13 February | 10:22

This is the brand new girl, right? I'd advise against it. I've done it and don't recommend it. And we both thought it was a good idea. She already has reservations.

posted by rainbaby 13 February | 10:27

Do you feel uncomfortable applying, know that she feels uncomfortable?

Yes, if she was cool with it, the app would already be in. I'm going to ask her to tell me what specific things she might be uncomfortable with in the future. Yet the very fact that she says she might be uncomfortable with it in the future seems to indicate that she is uncomfortable with the idea now.

I appreciate my alone time as well, and one of my main concerns is that we'd get sick of each other. I'm not financially dependent on her, we're not living together or anything like that.

Meanwhile, every day at my current job is the worst day of my life.

posted by sciurus 13 February | 10:35

Wait, you just met this girl a couple of weeks ago, right? I'd say don't do it unless you're going to be totally working in a different department and never see her at work.

posted by matildaben 13 February | 10:36

The general consensus I'm getting here is

possibility of love
beats
possibility of new job

yes?

posted by sciurus 13 February | 10:43

Well, YEAH! :)

posted by selfnoise 13 February | 10:44

Actually, I'm more:
possibility of having to work closely with someone you broke up with horribly
beats
possibility of new job

It's pessimistic, but something that warrants considering. It's really hard to not be able to leave your personal life at home in a situation like that. Very messy.

posted by jrossi4r 13 February | 10:50

I have to agree with those who say it's probably not a good idea. You'd be introducing a big unknown and some serious instability and transitioning into two new relationships, work and personal. I just can't help but think that would make for a really difficult few months, both at work and after work.

I think it's a false choice....I'm sure it's a great job and company, and I know what it's like to have a sucky job and want to get out. But you still have a wealth of options in life; it's not like it's her company's job right now or a life of professional misery forever.

posted by Miko 13 February | 10:55

Dude, this is soooo simple:

Drop the girl.

Get the kickass job.

She'll get over it fairly quickly.

She might even change her mind about it once your in.

She must be extremely special if you are even considering not trying for this job.

Get the job first, though, before you break it off. Because it would suck if you broke it off and then DIDN'T get the job.

posted by codeofconduct 13 February | 10:58

What jrossi4r said. I dated a girl at work. Well, kinda a part-time supervisor. Didn't work out (which is to say, she dropped me like a wormy apple). It sucked horribly.

posted by porpoise 13 February | 11:08

I can see her point but she should be trying to see yours, she loves her job but doesn't want you to work there because you'd be too close?

I don't know. Kind of a shitty situation.

Bummer because my wife just wants me to have a job again too (and I've been out of work a whole two days now).

posted by fenriq 13 February | 11:16

Quit lazing around surfing the web fenriq, and get pounding the pavement mister!

Anyhoo...sciurus' situation blows. This girl is new, so who knows if it will last, but a great job can be such a positive change. FWIW, my wife and I worked side by side for a year or so and it worked out fine for us. Mind you, we were already married when her company approached me.

Man, sciurus, I wish I had some better advice. I suspect that you are kinda screwed on this job. Let's hope it works out with the girl!

posted by richat 13 February | 11:34

I don't know, sciurus; conventional wisdom is not right in every case. I just spent a while here trying to describe my own particular past experience that bucked the odds... but the story got so long, still without properly describing things, that I gave up.

Anyway, I've always been one to go for the longshot, if it really felt promising, but clearly you can't do something she definitely feels uncomfortable with.

posted by taz 13 February | 11:52

I'm trying to figure out if she would feel uncomfortable if things didn't work out between us, or uncomfortable if we get super close, or both.

posted by sciurus 13 February | 12:15

I currently work with my ex, whom I also still live with. Even though he's on the other side of the building, it still royally sucks. Either drop the girl, or apply for the job, but don't do both.

posted by TrishaLynn 13 February | 12:23

Well, I can guarantee you that if you take the job, and then you break up, everything will suck, and not in a good way.

Apart from that issue, I have worked with, or in the same building with, a spouse and a boyfriend (not at the same time, heh), and what I didn't like about it was the subtle obligation to spend my free time with him. Suddenly, my lunch hours and breaks were no longer my own, and I could never go home by myself. It wasn't that it was *bad*, it was just . . . . a little annoying.

posted by JanetLand 13 February | 12:28

From what you've said, working together won't work. So it depends on what's more important to you: new girl or new job.

Personally, I'd love to work with the mister. We never have enough "together time".

posted by deborah 13 February | 16:08

I dunno, you haven't even applied for the job. Can't you apply, see what happens, and then figure it out? Maybe they won't even give you a job, and you won't have to fret.

posted by ThePinkSuperhero 13 February | 16:34

I think I'm leaning toward applying. I'm confident in my ability to remain professional if things don't work out on the personal front, and double my current salary and the benefits would help my general life status immensely. But I'm still ambivalent. An hour from now I'll probably feel differently.

posted by sciurus 13 February | 17:44

I'd go for the job. The girl is brand new? The job is twice the pay and added benefits? The job wins. For me, anyway. Of course, you don't even know if you'd get it 'til you apply, and I would try to finesse it with the girl and address her concerns as much as possible.

posted by Melinika 13 February | 17:58

Having heard more of the argument, I'm starting to lean toward Melinika's point of view as well.

posted by matildaben 13 February | 18:06

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