A tale of penis pipes and Homeland Security →[More:]Today, I was in Algodones, Mexico doing some Christmas shopping. One item I purchased was a stone pipe used for personal herbal enjoyment (not mine, it's a gift!!!!). This pipe is shaped like a circumsized penis. At the border coming back, this happened:

Hot border patrol woman: Are you a United States citizen?
DFT: Yes! (Smiles a Republican smile)
HBPW: What's in your bags?
DFT: Christmas presents!!
Surly border patrol woman: Please show me what you have.
DFT: Okey dokey. (At this time, I realize that herbal pipes are considered contaband and are not permissable to bring across. I keep the pipe wrapped up in newspaper and hope for the best.)
Cagey border patrol woman: Please unwap the newspaper for me.
DFT: Sure. ("Sure" is Spanish for "I am going to be sent to a Mexican drup prison and be someone's lil calabazo).

There is the penis pipe in all its glory. We look at it for a moment.

Obtuse border patrol woman: What is this?
DFT: An adult entertainment device.
Deaf BPW: A what????
DFT: Um. A dildo. It's a dildo. A gag gift for a friend of mine.
BPW: It's a pipe.
DFT: No, it's a dildo. The man I bought it from said you put lube in this big end and it comes out the little hole at the end.

We look at each other for a moment. There's a line backing up now. She just rolls up my dildopipe in the newspaper and hands it back to me.

Angelic Border Patrol Woman: Merry Christmas.

DFT: (Does not mention that saying "Merry Christmas" is offensive to many Druids) Merry Christmas to you too.

And thus ends the tale. So if you want to smuggle plutonium in from Mexico, I recommend using penis pipes. That's all.