MetaChat - Three Years, Gone.

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19 November 2005

Three Years, Gone. After a nearly three year relationship, I officially broke it off with my boyfriend last night. →[More:]The worst part? In the middle of our converstation, there was another call on his phone...and he took it. Way to remind me why we broke up. Now I'm stuck in this town without many friends at all and without the knowledge that he's there for me. Happy f'ing Saturday, eh?

I need something to distract myself. Anyone have any ideas?

post by: YouCanCallMeAl at: 11:16 | 27 comments

A good book, a good movie, some exercise, some webcomics (Perry Bible Fellowship, White Ninja, The Parking Lot is Full, Nothing Nice to Say)
Cook yourself a really good meal (or order delivery).

I hope you feel better, he sounds like a jerk anyhow.

posted by Edible Energy 19 November | 11:30

Take up a really strenuous workout. Like kickboxing. And imagine his face on the bag as you kick it. Call a couple of good friends and lounge around in your pajamas while they make really strong drinks for you.

I'm sorry to hear you're going through it. :(

posted by LeeJay 19 November | 11:39

I'm sorry, YouCanCallMeAl... Ending a long term relationship, even when you are the one to do it, is super tough. It takes a lot of courage.

This may be lame and girly, but I say buy yourself something pretty. And make the shopping part of the distraction. Maybe get something particular in your head that you want, an old record or a porcelain bowl or the perfect picture frame or a cool vintage winter coat and then hit the thrift stores. It's cheap and next thing you know hours have passed and you may have found inexpensive treasures... (This is what I do when I'm down.)

posted by amro 19 November | 11:40

That's horrible, Al. What an asshole act, taking that call. (Obligatory: You broke up with him via telephone?)

If you want to stay indoors and masturbation is possible I say give it a go. If not I encourage the temporary use of drugs and/or alcohol. But only for today (and if you don't have to work in the next little while). If not that then I have found that talking out loud to myself and reading Kurt Vonnegut at the same time is a remarkeably easy way to escape sadness. Really.

If the outdoors is appealing maybe go for a walk and discover some more of your town. With one of those few friends, maybe. Or ir finances permit then maybe buy a pellet gun and shoot some cans.

posted by Cryptical Envelopment 19 November | 12:57

Retail therapy.

posted by deborah 19 November | 13:02

Yup. Retail therapy, a long soak in a bath (mmm Lush products), home spa? go grab a massage? a long walk with coffee or hot chocolate and read in a park? Better still, borrow a friend's dog (if you like dogs) and take them for a long walk. Buy some new music, eat lots of candy or other things that you like to indulge in (for me, it would be candy, pimms liquor and stinky cheeses).

I hope you feel better soon.

posted by gaspode 19 November | 13:05

Chocolate Covered Strawberries and a sailor.

posted by sciurus 19 November | 14:16

Is there a WAffle House near you?

Be seated at the counter. I like the chicken sandwich (fairly healthy) but in this case I recommend steak and eggs. And coffee. I guarantee you by the end of the meal your waitress will be commiserating with you as well as any regulars in attendance.

The juke box usually has something cheesy and distracting too.

posted by bunnyfire 19 November | 14:17

If you take any lessons from this, the time was not wasted. Think of it as something to do while you were waiting for Mr. Right. You're three years closer now than you were before!

posted by Eideteker 19 November | 14:32

Just reflect on how shitty it could have been if you were really poor, had no family, no tv, no computer and that might help in putting things in perpective. Give grace to what you have. And help someone else that needs it too. Sometimes giving fills you with much needed love. Become a Brother/Sister to a kid. Or maybe a niece or nephew needs you right now. Or listen to some real good Paul Simon.
I'm sorry, YouCanCallMeAl...

posted by alteredcarbon 19 November | 14:36

If you take any lessons from this, the time was not wasted.

Oh yeah, I meant to post something like this, too. Thanks, Eideteker!

It's awfully tempting to feel like the time was wasted (and for me, it made it difficult to break up with people -- "but I put so much time into the relationship!") So on top of feeling shitty about the breakup, you also just feel like a failure because you couldn't *make* it work. But you're not. You've learnt stuff about yourself, no doubt, and learnt more about what you like and don't like in a relationship. like people taking other calls in the middle of important conversations, no?

posted by gaspode 19 November | 14:41

Aw, Al, that really sucks.

But it's really awesome, too.

Don't forget to occasionally dwell on the 'awesome' part.

That, along with the advice other people have already given about indulging yourself, is the best I've got.

Best to you.

posted by mudpuppie 19 November | 14:45

oooh, now I'm sorry I called you "Meal" on IRC...

I'd recommend some 'retail therapy' too: it doesn't have to be expensive, but something you can obsess on after you bring it home...

posted by wendell 19 November | 14:50

if you're female, i highly recommend sex with quonsar.

posted by quonsar 19 November | 15:03

Get drunk and burn everything he ever gave you.

posted by cmonkey 19 November | 15:41

Sorry to hear how crappy the break-up went, but certainly you deserve something more fulfilling than that!

posted by Frisbee Girl 19 November | 16:41

Celebrate thyself.

posted by stilicho 19 November | 17:00

gaspode: Many a relationship has festered too long due to the sunk cost fallacy.

You live, you love, you learn.

I have a friend that just broke up with her boyfriend of 5 years and... well, it's been over a month and she's still taking it hard. It's going to hurt for awhile, Al. I hope you've got some supportive friends somewhere who can help you through this.

posted by Eideteker 19 November | 17:52

New shoes and old whisky. I feel for you, girlfriend.

posted by go dog go 19 November | 18:16

although your hearts are in the right place, i must respectfully disagree re: filling the void in YouCanCallMeAl's soul by becoming a more active participant in our toxic consumer culture... which, imho, effectively shifts the slavery of desire from one object to another. free yourself completely from the bonds of obsession... only through renunciation will you be able to find inner peace.

my suggestions? do some regular volunteer work. call/get back in touch with all the friends you've neglected the past three years. adopt a puppy from your local animal shelter... dogs are awesome! get some regular exercise. do some zen meditation or yoga. learn to play a new musical instrument. catch up on all the books/movies/video games you haven't gotten around to yet. "accidently" email your ex some photos of you and quonsar humping. etc.

posted by Wedge 19 November | 19:06

Wedge, as wonderful as volunteer work is, it don't do squat to get you over the first initial hump of a breakup. For the long term, yes, certainly, but for right now your post seems a wee bit preachy.

except for the quonsar part which makes me glad I didn't have dinner yet. Yeesh. What next, cilantro?

posted by bunnyfire 19 November | 19:48

Yeah, when you've already been doing most of the giving in a relationship (and I'm assuming this is the case because whatshisname took another freaking call in the middle of the conversation), further selfless service doesn't quite fill the void.

posted by go dog go 19 November | 20:08

Geez. Thanks everyone. Coming home and reading this made today significantly less crappy. I ended up taking the dog (yes, for those who suggested that...I already have one) to the park and getting some laundry done. I'm thinking about going to a bar that I've never been to and having a few drinks.

I know that I'll be okay. Things have been going downhill for a long time and last night was just the actual Converstation. He could be a nice guy, but he definitely had a big asshole side. (The phone call thing is just one example.) It's nice to know that things are over with him...I know I deserve better.

So, thanks again. :)

posted by YouCanCallMeAl 19 November | 20:16

YCCMA--
I'm still getting over a toxic marriage. Latest setback: He just married the cheating (*$&* who caused the breakup. I won't go into how many varieties of pond scum he represents, but here is what I did:
(1) I found (in a box I hadn't unpacked yet) the horrid Precious Moments "engagement" figurine his mother gave us. Went right out to the patio with that and smashed it with a hammer. To bits. Tiny, powdery bits. Good catharsis.
(2) because I broke a nail (yes, that is very girly of me to complain about) in the smash-up, I went to a spa and got their "special" manicure in an evil, bright red color (I think the name of it was "I will claw your eyes out without thinking twice".) Major splurge on my budget so made me feel extra good because I do such things rarely.

Worked for me.

Tomorrow I am using my season pass to the botanical gardens for a more zen-like approach.

posted by mihail 19 November | 20:31

I have a friend that just broke up with her boyfriend of 5 years and... well, it's been over a month and she's still taking it hard.

A month doesn't seem so very long to me... I sometimes wonder if people make it harder for themselves by expecting to get over breakups in a matter of days or weeks. In my experience, your feelings towards a breakup will eventually change, but I think 'getting over' them entirely is a myth. They become part of who you are, and part of your past, and recede in the distance as time goes on; but I don't think I've ever 'gotten over' any breakup I've been through, in the sense that it doesn't really matter anymore (and I wouldn't want them to stop mattering, either, because they are such monumental times of change).

Sorry, that's probably not the best advice. What I mean to say is: give it time. It's okay to feel like shit. One foot in front of the other, as they say. Try to recover your joy in things that don't attach to the relationship. And good luck.

posted by jokeefe 19 November | 21:15

Just out of curiosity? If you're breaking up with him, what's wrong with him taking a call?

I mean, if you're dumping him, why is it required that he be nice to you while you do it?

posted by delmoi 20 November | 21:34

Because I wasn't really dumping him. Our relationship was dead in the water and I had to be the one to do something about it. Because he told me that for the past three years, he's known that we "weren't compatible" but he still kept things going. Because I found out last night that he made out with someone and never told me when we'd explicitly agreed to keep such things out in the open. Because he's an unfeeling asshole and this was just one last example of it.

posted by YouCanCallMeAl 20 November | 21:41

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