MetaChat - Worst. Pizza. Ever

a slice of white pizza where the ricotta had started turning.

*gags thinking about it*

posted by amberglow 17 October | 21:24

It wasn't the worst-tasting pizza, but I had a "happy" pizza in Cambodia, which is pizza with a certain added spice that is illegal in many countries (ok, it was pot). I ate the whole pizza, and I was sick for two days. Seriously, I could barely move, I couldn't eat, and I felt like someone was constantly punching me in the stomach. Apparently I had too much "happy."

posted by goatdog 17 October | 21:24

Newport, Rhode Island. Settled on the Greek pizzeria (which must have been named "So-and-So's House of Pizza") after driving around all day and not finding any food we could afford.

The cheese was both mucilaginous AND plasticine. The sauce was, I think, ketchup. And the crust was made, I think, Pillsbury's womp-biscuits.

Bad memories of a bad day.

And welcome, wannabehippie.

posted by mudpuppie 17 October | 21:25

Cambridge, MA - HiFi Pizza.
It's like Plasticine vomit stapled to greasy cardboard.

Conversely, this is also the best pizza on Earth while completely drunk.

posted by zerokey 17 October | 21:37

This reminded me of a passage from P.J. O'Rourke's Give War a Chance, in which he describes the experience of trying pizza behind the iron curtain:

Next, I stood in line for half an hour to see what Marxism could do to street-vendor pizza. It did not disappoint. the word "cottony" is sometimes used to describe bad pizza dough, but there was every reason to believe this pizza was really made of the stuff. Or maybe a polyester blend. The slice -- more accurately, lump -- had no tomato whatsoever and was covered in a semiviscous imitation mozzarella, remarkably uncheeselike even for a coal-tar by-product. Then there was the sausage topping. One bite brought a flood of nostalgia. Nobody who's been through a fraternity initiation will ever forget this taste, this smell. It was dog food.

That said, mine would probably be the "pizza" we so looked forward to when we saw it on the menu in elementary school. I don't know why; it was comparable to a wet sponge that had been used to wipe up spilled Spaghetti-O's.

posted by George_Spiggott 17 October | 21:40

Japanese pizza. Don’t spre the mayonnaise.

posted by Smart Dalek 17 October | 21:40

DaVinci's Pizza, in Athens, GA. I ate there in 1982 and the pizza was like a Saltine cracker with tomato paste on it.

To my never-ending surprise, DaVinci's is still there, so either the pizza has improved, or I just hit them on a bad night, but it was bad enough to keep me away these last 23 years.

posted by BoringPostcards 17 October | 22:12

I had pretty bad pizza today. A big thick cheesy slice from the supermarket cafeteria. Yes, a supermarket cafeteria. Like a school cafeteria but in a supermarket. Anyway, the pizza had a ton of cheese (good) but the crust just tasted odd. And I think they added some cheddar or some other yellow kind of cheese. It didn't taste 'right' but was very fulfilling. And it only cost $1.49 for like this slice from a 14 inch pizza.

The dollar price wasn't so bad, but the oral-pleasure/calorie ratio wasn't nearly good enough, IMO. I estimated it at 800 calories.

posted by delmoi 17 October | 22:22

I'm not quite sure what the worst pizza I've ever had is, probably some off-brand frozen monstrosity.

The one that sticks out in my mind the most is when I went to a 4-h meeting and was supposed to bring money for a (delivered) pizza. My mom, being cheap, decided to bring our own frozen pizza and cook that there. So while everybody else enjoyed this delivered pizza hut pizza, me and my sister got this cheap greaseball-on-a-cracker Tony's (or something).

Talk about disappointing.

posted by delmoi 17 October | 22:24

The best pizza I've ever had was at this place called "old Chicago" place that serves like 80 different beers. It was a deep-dish and it was fantastic.

posted by delmoi 17 October | 22:25

Egads. Ok, if we're doing international.

Kathmandu. Worst pizza ever. (and don't yell at me for eating pizza in Kathmandu -- I was there for quite a while and had loads of Nepali and Tibetan eats)

But second place is every pizza in this town.

posted by dreamsign 17 October | 22:46

The folks working for Rudy are always stoned. Their $2 slices are cheap in price, dear to the tastebuds. If you take to the taste -- cheap tomato paste with a sprinkling of old garlic, cardboardy crust, lousy cheese polymers and dry, tasteless veggies and/or meat products -- odds are you'll never eat another pizza. Pizzas, pocket Zas, breadsticks and salads all available for delivery too.

posted by interrobang 17 October | 23:03

I get the Best Pizza I've Ever Had every Sunday, courtesy of Mrs Stuporstar.

posted by danostuporstar 17 October | 23:10

had a spam and cheese pizza once. it was pretty weird. I DON'T LIKE SPAM.

posted by weretable and the undead chairs 17 October | 23:13

Worst pizza I never tasted. When in college at Davis I'd make my own pizza, the dough and the works. My roommate thought that was pretty cool, so he made his own pizza. It was (and I'm not kidding here folks): Generic white bread, ketchup, individually wrapped cheese food stuff, hand sliced salami. He said it wasn't bad. I didn't have the courage to try it.

posted by eekacat 17 October | 23:33

Pizza Hut.

posted by jonmc 17 October | 23:45

My corner bar, inhabited mostly by sports mad Irish-American drunks serves $5 "bar pies." The clientele douses them in tabasco and black pepper. It's better than you'd imagine.

posted by jonmc 17 October | 23:47

Also, tonight I ate at the new NYC location of this outfit (apparently they're weed-common in Hawaii & California. I had a Moco Loco, which is two hamburger patties on top of rice, topped with runny fried eggs and doused in brown gravy. Macaroni salad on the side. I also had a Musubi, which is a block of rice topped with grilled Spam, and wrapped in seaweed like some kind of ghetto sushi.

It was good.

Apparently Spam is really popular in Hawaii, and Samoa, too. One theory says it's because Spam replicates the taste of human flesh so well. I think it's more likely to do with all the military bases in both locales. Dealer's choice.

posted by jonmc 17 October | 23:52

hmm...worst pizza EVER? probably school cafeteria pizza, but the best is the place i work at. It sounds pretty similar to Rudy's...

posted by Schyler523 17 October | 23:55

I kinda liked school cafeteria pizza. But perhaps that was because the other options were even more unappetizing.

posted by goatdog 18 October | 00:48

I think that Spam is popular in those locales because fresh meat (non-fish) is so expensive. Anyway, thats what the folks I know that lived in Hawaii tell me. Supposedly Hawaii is the largest per capita consumer of Spam. I wish I knew where I heard that.

posted by eekacat 18 October | 01:30

Sal's on the DT mall in Charlottesville.

Actually, it's also the worst restaurant ever. But the pizza is severe shite.

posted by bardic 18 October | 01:33

Pizza Hut.

Elitist! :P

Actualy, I like Pizza Hut.

posted by delmoi 18 October | 01:37

hmm...worst pizza EVER? probably school cafeteria pizza, but the best

Ah yes, school cafeteria pizza. My highschool cafeteria had two different types of pizza. One was this huge square of pizza on a soft thin crust, which was OK. And another was basically hamburger meat and cheese on a thicker breaded crust. It was like a parody of pizza and not tasty at all.

posted by delmoi 18 October | 01:39

Worst pizza: the great majority of pizzerias in Sweden sell soggy pizzor with cheese that is most definitely not mozzarella and a stomach-hurting selection of toppings which culminate in such gastronomical insults as the 'Hawaii' pizza topped with curry sauce & banana and the 'kebab-pizza': to add injury to insult, your pizza will in most cases be accompanied by a salad of shredded cabbage doused in vinegar... Almost as bad: in the UK one can buy frozen pizza topped with baked beans.

Best pizza: the one with scamorza and mushrooms that the pizza rustica place on Via di Tor Sapienza used to sell, and Pizza Re, on Via di Ripetta, also in Rome.

posted by misteraitch 18 October | 03:38

Happiest pizza memory: We used to get a "breakfast pizza" thingy with an egg on it (no! really! it was delicious!) at Louisiana Pizza Kitchen in the French Quarter. You could only get it before 1 or 2 p.m. I don't see see it on their current online menu, so maybe it doesn't exist anymore, or maybe it was never officially on the menu.

It's not really possible for me to describe the whole gorgeous surrounding atmosphere of this ritual (Saturday or Sunday after a night out) meal, but trust me, it's warm and glowy. It was a beautiful place, and we always knew all the waiters/waitresses and at least half the customers.

posted by taz 18 October | 04:12

Actually, if mecha were a pizza place, it would be the LPK of my memory. Exactly like that.

posted by taz 18 October | 04:26

(Mr. taz has remembered the name: "Pizza Ouvo". This, with a Caesar's salad... ahhhhhhh.)

posted by taz 18 October | 04:31

best pizza memories:
a toss up between a place that delivered in RI in the early 90's, a place that delivered in IN in the mid 90's, a "california" rustic fresh and made to order, and the traditional slice in NY that i hear still exists
(not naming names 'cuz i can)

worst pizza: it could be impossible to choose, but most have been mentioned except for what i hear is horrifying in the old UK and a particularly bad personal delivery experience involving a Ramada Inn--
(timed out)

posted by ethylene 18 October | 04:35

aren't there some orgs and peeps trying to maintain the fine cuisine of Louisiana?
despite being close, i never did get there and only have had the good stuff from chefs who were from there and took it with them--
--i bet tony bourdain is helping restore the muffelata somewhere--)

posted by ethylene 18 October | 04:39

Oh, god. Don't mention the Muffaletta; I'll start crying. I'm getting way too nostalgic now.

"A bad personal [whatever] experience involving the Ramada Inn" is also a bit of de rigeur U.S. shared memory thing... Though I did see Roy Orbison (performing!) at a Ramada Inn once.

posted by taz 18 October | 04:51

heh, i'm sure that story will come up at some point, probably when i try to see if my free stays are still valid, or the many many other tangents--
maybe we make another thread of missed out on and missed cuisine, but Tony Bourdain's A Cook's Tour of NOLA shows not only the virtues of delivery, but that some places will drive you home--
*not trying to drive anything home*

posted by ethylene 18 October | 05:23

man, if mecha's db ever 'splodes, i'm gonna lose a lot of text

posted by ethylene 18 October | 05:24

There was a pizza place near where I used to live that produced the worst pizza I've ever eaten. Firstly the base had the texture and consistency of a digestive biscuit. Worst of all was that it had a lot of cheese on it. Don't get me wrong I like cheese, but this a very special cheese, a cheese that when cooked produced gallons of grease and was like chewing gum. Not good.

posted by dodgygeezer 18 October | 05:53

backed up by THE MAN--
heh.
i came for the taz but i stayed for the geezer
no offense meant, per usual

posted by ethylene 18 October | 06:10

I like curry pizza. I don't like mayo & corn (which is the most popular here, along with squid legs and other seafood critters I don't eat).

The worst pizza... it's either the disappointment of ordering pizza and finding out you've been served with some toppings on a flour tortilla, or the various pies o' grease at pizza places which serve the late night university crowd at campuses in less-than-diverse locales in the States...

posted by MightyNez 18 October | 06:26

That reminds me - anyone who puts fruit or fish on a pizza should be shot.

posted by dodgygeezer 18 October | 06:31

Here's the local offerings... shrimp and mayo is a bestseller.

Dodgygeezer, does your anti-fish stance include anchovies? That seems a pretty traditional topping, and 'tis fish, no?

posted by MightyNez 18 October | 06:37

(Japanese pizza used to be much more tentacled than recently... I guess now they hide them under the cheese)

posted by MightyNez 18 October | 06:40

Anchovies are evil

posted by dodgygeezer 18 October | 06:43

We've recently discovered Digiorno's Thin Crispy Crust supreme pizzas. The best part of pizza is the toppings! These have a lot of flavor (smoked real chicken), bake up in a jiffy on a stone, and the house smells like garlic and basil for hours.

As far as the worst pizza - I'd have to say a crappy little place in Hellertown, PA. More like greaszza. Even the beer didn't help.

On my evil side, I've always wished for a cartilage, metal shaving and crushed lightbulb topped pizza for annoying bosses.

posted by chewatadistance 18 October | 07:52

Pizza Hut. (even before I read jonmc's comment)
It's even worse than Papa John's.

posted by Eideteker 18 October | 09:12

Mayonnaise on a pizza? That is just wrong.

Worst pizza I've ever had was in my junior high school cafeteria, in seventh grade. From first through sixth grade the pizza was actually really good. In seventh grade they changed the recipe and it was just disgusting. Not only that, but the slice I got wasn't even cooked all the way...about halfway through it was ice cold! I never bought another piece of pizza from the school cafeteria after that. (I did eat the pizza boats, which were good, and the taco pizza, which was really good.)

Worst non-school cafeteria pizza: Pizza Hut. I just don't like it.

Favorite pizza places: Around here - Papa's Pizza and Home Run Inn. Bloomington, IN (where I went to school) - Mother Bears. New York City - too many to name.

posted by sisterhavana 18 October | 10:57

Best pizza (are we doing that, too?) was always around the corner from my old job on Astor Pl. & Broadway. A place called "La Mia" right by NYU/Washington Square Park, where you could still get a slice for $1.25 in Manhattan.

I used to eat the "house salad" there with bread as my only meal of the day. In four months, I went from 210-220 to 170-180. It was all I could afford!

(Why I Don't Live in Manhattan Anymore and Other Answers to Questions No One Asked will be available from Hardcourt, Brace, & Jovanovich next February 30th. Reserve your copy today!)

posted by Eideteker 18 October | 12:58

Little Caesar's has to be the worst chain pizza.

posted by deborah 18 October | 13:14

For all you folks saying Pizza Hut:

You are either spoiled, or your tastebuds are wrong. I'm not saying that because I think Pizza Hut is good. I'm saying that because Pizza Hut is at a point of the pizza spectrum where some people like it and some don't. There is, however, a part of the spectrum where absolutely everyone agrees that the pizza is horrible. You folks who wrote "Pizza Hut" have never sampled the truly abominable, detested-by-all end of pizzadom.

posted by bugbread 19 October | 15:43

17 October 2005