http://metachat.org/index.php?disp=comments en-US http://backend.userland.com/rss 60 Fri, 28 Sep 2007 08:01:15 +0000 c337135@http://metachat.org I screwed up the formatting on a post like this? Ugh. As if my heart weren't in my heels already... http://metachat.org/index.php/2007/09/28/do_i_ever_feel_like_an_asshole_right_now#c337135 Fri, 28 Sep 2007 08:49:29 +0000 c337137@http://metachat.org Fixed the "more inside" for you sourwookie. I'm sorry you're feeling so bad. Some couples do find a way through stuff like this, you know... So if it ever begins to feel like an awful mistake, you might try to find some who have to talk to about it. Either way, I wish you the best.
I'm sorry you're feeling so bad. Some couples do find a way through stuff like this, you know... So if it ever begins to feel like an awful mistake, you might try to find some who have to talk to about it.

Either way, I wish you the best.]]> http://metachat.org/index.php/2007/09/28/do_i_ever_feel_like_an_asshole_right_now#c337137 Fri, 28 Sep 2007 09:19:03 +0000 c337139@http://metachat.org "I, too, was once a lonely atheist, but then I joined the Libertarian Party..." I have been in your position so many times. Sometimes I stopped it, sometimes she did. It's just one of those things. One woman I met on match.com never bothered to read my atheist tag. The topic came up on our third date, and then she got mad at me. She even left a couple curse-laden screaming fits on my voice mail. Hang in there! I'll pray for you. ;-P
I have been in your position so many times. Sometimes I stopped it, sometimes she did. It's just one of those things.

One woman I met on match.com never bothered to read my atheist tag. The topic came up on our third date, and then she got mad at me. She even left a couple curse-laden screaming fits on my voice mail.

Hang in there! I'll pray for you. ;-P]]> http://metachat.org/index.php/2007/09/28/do_i_ever_feel_like_an_asshole_right_now#c337139 Fri, 28 Sep 2007 09:33:45 +0000 c337142@http://metachat.org Oh, man. That's miserable, sourwookie. So sorry. *hug* http://metachat.org/index.php/2007/09/28/do_i_ever_feel_like_an_asshole_right_now#c337142 Fri, 28 Sep 2007 12:02:46 +0000 c337156@http://metachat.org I agree that some couples are capable of working this out, but for other couples it's a deal breaker. Better now than later, though. Hope you'll feel better in the morning. http://metachat.org/index.php/2007/09/28/do_i_ever_feel_like_an_asshole_right_now#c337156 Fri, 28 Sep 2007 12:07:21 +0000 c337161@http://metachat.org Total bummer wook. It's no fun facing up to a disparity that you can't see anyway through. http://metachat.org/index.php/2007/09/28/do_i_ever_feel_like_an_asshole_right_now#c337161 Fri, 28 Sep 2007 12:39:15 +0000 c337166@http://metachat.org You did right. This was wrong for her to be doing to begin with. She has the responsibility for her own hurt, actually. Maybe that can help you feel better?
This was wrong for her to be doing to begin with. She has the responsibility for her own hurt, actually. Maybe that can help you feel better?]]> http://metachat.org/index.php/2007/09/28/do_i_ever_feel_like_an_asshole_right_now#c337166 Fri, 28 Sep 2007 12:45:31 +0000 c337169@http://metachat.org This sucks. We're with you sourwookie. http://metachat.org/index.php/2007/09/28/do_i_ever_feel_like_an_asshole_right_now#c337169 Fri, 28 Sep 2007 12:51:03 +0000 c337171@http://metachat.org I'm so sorry, that sucks. I once dated a Christian guy. Not just "I believe in God" Christian, but "I go to church every Sunday and won't have sex before marriage" Christian. Although I was raised Catholic, I had no such beliefs. Strangely, I was always the one putting on the brakes when things got hot and heavy - and then one night I didn't, and we started sleeping together. When we broke up (the Christian thing was becoming a big deal, although there were other problems too), he basically called me the Devil for tempting him into sin. Fun times. I hope my story of woe helps you feel you made the right decision. :( Rare is the couple that can overcome such differences.
Strangely, I was always the one putting on the brakes when things got hot and heavy - and then one night I didn't, and we started sleeping together. When we broke up (the Christian thing was becoming a big deal, although there were other problems too), he basically called me the Devil for tempting him into sin. Fun times.

I hope my story of woe helps you feel you made the right decision. :( Rare is the couple that can overcome such differences. ]]> http://metachat.org/index.php/2007/09/28/do_i_ever_feel_like_an_asshole_right_now#c337171 Fri, 28 Sep 2007 13:07:30 +0000 c337176@http://metachat.org You're a good person. You feel bad about hurting her while you're also hurting just as much. Be kind to yourself during this. Hugs.
Be kind to yourself during this. Hugs.]]> http://metachat.org/index.php/2007/09/28/do_i_ever_feel_like_an_asshole_right_now#c337176 Fri, 28 Sep 2007 14:48:14 +0000 c337195@http://metachat.org I am very, very sorry for you because it really hurts to hurt someone. I agree, though, that she should have told you this in the getting-to-know-you stage. I'm sure in the future she'll be more honest with her partners.
I agree, though, that she should have told you this in the getting-to-know-you stage. I'm sure in the future she'll be more honest with her partners.]]> http://metachat.org/index.php/2007/09/28/do_i_ever_feel_like_an_asshole_right_now#c337195 Fri, 28 Sep 2007 14:59:44 +0000 c337204@http://metachat.org I'm sorry for your pain, and for hers. It often feels worse to be the one instigating a split, because you feel (often undeserved) guilt and remorse for doing what's necessary. You did what you needed to do. That's difficult, and worthy. As so many have said, once you're aware of irreconcilable differences (when they really are irreconcilable), it's more responsible to end it quickly.
You did what you needed to do. That's difficult, and worthy.

As so many have said, once you're aware of irreconcilable differences (when they really are irreconcilable), it's more responsible to end it quickly. ]]> http://metachat.org/index.php/2007/09/28/do_i_ever_feel_like_an_asshole_right_now#c337204 Fri, 28 Sep 2007 15:03:59 +0000 c337208@http://metachat.org That's too bad, sourwookie, but I'm with others - you did the right thing. ((((hug)))) http://metachat.org/index.php/2007/09/28/do_i_ever_feel_like_an_asshole_right_now#c337208 Fri, 28 Sep 2007 15:14:19 +0000 c337213@http://metachat.org I'm really sorry you both feel bad, it sounds like you had an awful night. I can see why someone with a very active religious life would be someone you wouldn't see yourself with, but "I can't have a girlfriend who isn't an atheist" really limits your dating pool. I'm not really questioning your convictions, but how do you feel about non-practicing whatevers, or agnostics or people with a general spiritual bent about them? Just curious, it struck me - I'm an atheist, and it never occurred to me to make that a priority in looking for a partner.
I can see why someone with a very active religious life would be someone you wouldn't see yourself with, but "I can't have a girlfriend who isn't an atheist" really limits your dating pool. I'm not really questioning your convictions, but how do you feel about non-practicing whatevers, or agnostics or people with a general spiritual bent about them?

Just curious, it struck me - I'm an atheist, and it never occurred to me to make that a priority in looking for a partner.]]> http://metachat.org/index.php/2007/09/28/do_i_ever_feel_like_an_asshole_right_now#c337213 Fri, 28 Sep 2007 15:38:36 +0000 c337224@http://metachat.org I'm an agnostic, and I'd never have thought this a deal-breaker either, actually. This is the first I've heard of that being a relationship issue. I do know a lot of happy couples with significant spiritual differences of one sort or another. But if it is one for you, you're right to make that clear. In a way, it's not so much the type, but the extremity of someone's religious beliefs that I find to be an issue. I've gotten along very well with people of various and no faith, as long as they are open to reasoning, have humility, question, and do at least consider the possibility that they don't have an exclusive lock on the Ultimate Truth. So I couldn't get a serious with a fundamentalist, Biblical literalist, socially conservative Christian. But I have and can be serious about people with Christian religious beliefs that are important to them, as long as there's a little perspective and relativism going on.
In a way, it's not so much the type, but the extremity of someone's religious beliefs that I find to be an issue. I've gotten along very well with people of various and no faith, as long as they are open to reasoning, have humility, question, and do at least consider the possibility that they don't have an exclusive lock on the Ultimate Truth. So I couldn't get a serious with a fundamentalist, Biblical literalist, socially conservative Christian. But I have and can be serious about people with Christian religious beliefs that are important to them, as long as there's a little perspective and relativism going on. ]]> http://metachat.org/index.php/2007/09/28/do_i_ever_feel_like_an_asshole_right_now#c337224 Fri, 28 Sep 2007 15:40:15 +0000 c337225@http://metachat.org Just curious, it struck me - I'm an atheist, and it never occurred to me to make that a priority in looking for a partner. That struck me, too --- but the only person who knows what's really a dealbreaker for sourwookie is sourwookie. I'm perhaps a bit touchy on the subject of dealbreakers, since a few years ago a partner deceived me about one. Early on, I clearly told him that I [blahblahblah], and if he didn't [blahblahblah], we should enjoy the short-lived romance we were having, but not consider moving in together or committing to a longer relationship. So he flat-out lied to me. A year later, when the whole thing fell apart, he told me "Of course I didn't tell you! You would've left! And it's not really important to you." It was important to me. So important that, after a lot of crying and wrangling and couples counseling, I left. It would have been less heartwrenching for us both if he had been frank with me in the first place. Just curious, it struck me - I'm an atheist, and it never occurred to me to make that a priority in looking for a partner.

That struck me, too --- but the only person who knows what's really a dealbreaker for sourwookie is sourwookie.

I'm perhaps a bit touchy on the subject of dealbreakers, since a few years ago a partner deceived me about one. Early on, I clearly told him that I [blahblahblah], and if he didn't [blahblahblah], we should enjoy the short-lived romance we were having, but not consider moving in together or committing to a longer relationship.

So he flat-out lied to me. A year later, when the whole thing fell apart, he told me "Of course I didn't tell you! You would've left! And it's not really important to you."

It was important to me. So important that, after a lot of crying and wrangling and couples counseling, I left. It would have been less heartwrenching for us both if he had been frank with me in the first place.]]> http://metachat.org/index.php/2007/09/28/do_i_ever_feel_like_an_asshole_right_now#c337225 Fri, 28 Sep 2007 15:58:26 +0000 c337228@http://metachat.org Oh, I know Elsa, I do support and wish comfort for sourwookie. I thought it was an interesting comment that might lead to other folks sharing their experiences. http://metachat.org/index.php/2007/09/28/do_i_ever_feel_like_an_asshole_right_now#c337228 Fri, 28 Sep 2007 16:05:39 +0000 c337229@http://metachat.org Oh, absolutely! I hope I didn't sound reproving, rainbaby, since I wondered the same thing --- just offering a little unconditional support. As I said, I have a hair trigger on the subject of relationship dealbreakers.
As I said, I have a hair trigger on the subject of relationship dealbreakers. ]]> http://metachat.org/index.php/2007/09/28/do_i_ever_feel_like_an_asshole_right_now#c337229 Fri, 28 Sep 2007 17:15:03 +0000 c337235@http://metachat.org What Miko and rainbaby said.... I generally have a more nebulous standard in the category of beliefs. I mainly need to see evidence of reason and critical thinking. With that in place, the differences can be kind of rewarding. But then again, I'm feeling pretty prejudiced on behalf of the dumpee, since I just got dumped on tuesday. :(
I generally have a more nebulous standard in the category of beliefs. I mainly need to see evidence of reason and critical thinking. With that in place, the differences can be kind of rewarding. But then again, I'm feeling pretty prejudiced on behalf of the dumpee, since I just got dumped on tuesday. :(]]> http://metachat.org/index.php/2007/09/28/do_i_ever_feel_like_an_asshole_right_now#c337235 Fri, 28 Sep 2007 21:33:04 +0000 c337340@http://metachat.org sourwookie, I'm really sorry about that. I have similar guidelines for my own life but I've never had to think of them as dealbreakers. In my last serious relationship it turned out my boyfriend was a Christian in mostly good ways (tolerant, caring, do unto others, sort of). I decided to try to set aside what I thought might be my predjudices to see if maybe they were just that. And, the relatiomship mostly worked and I never knew if the problem we had was that he was a believer and I wasn't, but at the end of it I always felt that he saw me as someone with a faith-sized hole in myself, no matter how much he cared about me and that always stung a bit. In any case, I'm sorry for what happened, but I think it was an okay thing that you did, even if it was a painful process for both of you.
In any case, I'm sorry for what happened, but I think it was an okay thing that you did, even if it was a painful process for both of you.]]> http://metachat.org/index.php/2007/09/28/do_i_ever_feel_like_an_asshole_right_now#c337340 Fri, 28 Sep 2007 21:40:45 +0000 c337343@http://metachat.org (((sourwookie))) - it's probably for the best. I don't think MuddDude found out I was a christian until a few months after we started dating - frankly, for me it's a very personal thing, and I did't think my "faith" or lack thereof was anyone else's business. That probably means I'm not much of a christian. I did take him to church once, but neither of us particularly enjoyed it (not his fault - it was one of those "college all-purpose Protestant" ceremonies, which lacked some of the pomp and circumstance I was used to).
I don't think MuddDude found out I was a christian until a few months after we started dating - frankly, for me it's a very personal thing, and I did't think my "faith" or lack thereof was anyone else's business. That probably means I'm not much of a christian.

I did take him to church once, but neither of us particularly enjoyed it (not his fault - it was one of those "college all-purpose Protestant" ceremonies, which lacked some of the pomp and circumstance I was used to).]]> http://metachat.org/index.php/2007/09/28/do_i_ever_feel_like_an_asshole_right_now#c337343