http://metachat.org/index.php?disp=comments en-US http://backend.userland.com/rss 60 Fri, 05 May 2006 02:49:21 +0000 c148109@http://metachat.org "tell me please if the truth is that men replace and women grieve. " Each is true for both sexes. Most of my endings have been mutual so I can't help much more. And, I'm male.
Most of my endings have been mutual so I can't help much more. And, I'm male.]]> http://metachat.org/index.php/2006/05/04/heartbreak#c148109 Fri, 05 May 2006 02:49:39 +0000 c148110@http://metachat.org Actually, no. Never dumped. Never been dumped. Every time it was time to end the relationship, circumstances seemed to end it for me. http://metachat.org/index.php/2006/05/04/heartbreak#c148110 Fri, 05 May 2006 02:51:32 +0000 c148112@http://metachat.org I've only dumped one guy. That was because, well, we shouldn't have been dating in the first place. I wasn't having fun, and he started chasing after this other girl the next day, so I assume if I hadn't dumped him, he would had dumped me soon. http://metachat.org/index.php/2006/05/04/heartbreak#c148112 Fri, 05 May 2006 02:56:38 +0000 c148115@http://metachat.org Yes, I have, though I was more often the dumpee than the dumper. Because I didn't love (or even strongly like) her and felt she was getting too attached, didn't want to deal with breaking up later on. http://metachat.org/index.php/2006/05/04/heartbreak#c148115 Fri, 05 May 2006 02:58:53 +0000 c148117@http://metachat.org I dumped my first boyfriend because he was a cheating piece of shit. A while later, he called me up for a booty-call and after many objections, I finally said, "Ok, I'll be there later." I went to the local grocery store, and bought a seven dollar banana cream pie. My friend and I drove to his apartment, I knocked and waited with the pie at the ready while she covered the peephole. Cheating piece of shit opened the door a crack to see who it was, when I kicked it open to find him shirtless. I smashed the pie in his face, dragged it down his chest, then pulled the door over the mess on the floor. He actually asked if I wasn't going to stay and help him clean it up. And no, the truth is not that men replace and women grieve. Arse is right, it is equally true for both sexes.
A while later, he called me up for a booty-call and after many objections, I finally said, "Ok, I'll be there later." I went to the local grocery store, and bought a seven dollar banana cream pie. My friend and I drove to his apartment, I knocked and waited with the pie at the ready while she covered the peephole. Cheating piece of shit opened the door a crack to see who it was, when I kicked it open to find him shirtless. I smashed the pie in his face, dragged it down his chest, then pulled the door over the mess on the floor. He actually asked if I wasn't going to stay and help him clean it up.

And no, the truth is not that men replace and women grieve. Arse is right, it is equally true for both sexes.]]> http://metachat.org/index.php/2006/05/04/heartbreak#c148117 Fri, 05 May 2006 03:17:49 +0000 c148122@http://metachat.org I've usually been the one to finally instigate the breakup, but almost always it was a case of "look, we both know this isn't working, right?" -- and in a couple of cases, I definitely felt like it was a case in which I was basically being "driven" to make the breakup move because the fellow in question just didn't want to have to take the initiative to do it. The most awful, heartwrenching breakup of my life occured about 3 years ago (well, we'd broken up once before, then gotten back together, then finally called it quits for good -- also in the semi-mutual way of me finally calling in our number, and him conceding that we really couldn't keep going on like we were). I can say that he certainly grieved it as much as I did -- we both still really loved each other, but had reached a complete impasse in terms of how to go forward. It all boiled down to the very sad choice of staying in limbo together, or moving ahead with our lives individually. (Which is how I learned the lesson that pop songs be damned: sometimes, love is not enough.)
The most awful, heartwrenching breakup of my life occured about 3 years ago (well, we'd broken up once before, then gotten back together, then finally called it quits for good -- also in the semi-mutual way of me finally calling in our number, and him conceding that we really couldn't keep going on like we were). I can say that he certainly grieved it as much as I did -- we both still really loved each other, but had reached a complete impasse in terms of how to go forward. It all boiled down to the very sad choice of staying in limbo together, or moving ahead with our lives individually. (Which is how I learned the lesson that pop songs be damned: sometimes, love is not enough.)]]> http://metachat.org/index.php/2006/05/04/heartbreak#c148122 Fri, 05 May 2006 03:20:29 +0000 c148123@http://metachat.org viachicago, well played! You rock! I've been dumped and dumped others. The situations are always different but the reality is that someone's gotta step and say "this isn't working and its not going to work so let's just have sex a few more times and then not see each other anymore except for random drunken sex, okay?" I've found, through painful experience, to not ask them to not date your pals. Nothing, but nothing sucks more than having to listen while your pal nails your ex (we lived in a house with very wierd acoustics).
I've been dumped and dumped others. The situations are always different but the reality is that someone's gotta step and say "this isn't working and its not going to work so let's just have sex a few more times and then not see each other anymore except for random drunken sex, okay?"

I've found, through painful experience, to not ask them to not date your pals. Nothing, but nothing sucks more than having to listen while your pal nails your ex (we lived in a house with very wierd acoustics).]]> http://metachat.org/index.php/2006/05/04/heartbreak#c148123 Fri, 05 May 2006 03:21:03 +0000 c148124@http://metachat.org look. look, i just got a phone call. believe it or not, this is the best possible of all worlds. people dump other people, but it's because it wasn't right. there is no use in weeping about it -- though weep, of course, is what we will do -- because it is only an agent of bringing things to their proper conclusion. it is also worth noting that i am very drunk and excited and also have been reading thomas pynchon. so there you go. i am going to sleep and i hope i have another awesome dream about this girl reading me stories or picking strawberries or something. anything.

look, i just got a phone call. believe it or not, this is the best possible of all worlds. people dump other people, but it's because it wasn't right. there is no use in weeping about it -- though weep, of course, is what we will do -- because it is only an agent of bringing things to their proper conclusion. it is also worth noting that i am very drunk and excited and also have been reading thomas pynchon. so there you go. i am going to sleep and i hope i have another awesome dream about this girl reading me stories or picking strawberries or something. anything.]]> http://metachat.org/index.php/2006/05/04/heartbreak#c148124 Fri, 05 May 2006 03:39:32 +0000 c148127@http://metachat.org In my few serious relationships, well, I've dumped once. It was for the best. And I grieved like hell. http://metachat.org/index.php/2006/05/04/heartbreak#c148127 Fri, 05 May 2006 03:44:29 +0000 c148129@http://metachat.org And tell me, tell me please if the truth is that men replace and women grieve. My last breakup (September) was not like that at all. I went out and dated around some; my ex hasn't dated anyone since. And tell me, tell me please if the truth is that men replace and women grieve.

My last breakup (September) was not like that at all. I went out and dated around some; my ex hasn't dated anyone since.]]> http://metachat.org/index.php/2006/05/04/heartbreak#c148129 Fri, 05 May 2006 03:49:42 +0000 c148130@http://metachat.org I dumped my boyfriend a little more than a month ago. It was the most difficult thing I've ever had to do. We're still in love with each other, but there were too many things standing in the way of our having a healthy relationship. I've grieved on and off a lot the past few weeks. He stopped grieving (at least outwardly) after the second week. Unfortunately, we're still living together because we're in a lease together, and when we're both in the apartment at the same time, we end up either arguing (often) or in bed together. Luckily I'm moving in two weeks (and will be paying rent on two places for a couple of months, but it's for the best).
Unfortunately, we're still living together because we're in a lease together, and when we're both in the apartment at the same time, we end up either arguing (often) or in bed together. Luckily I'm moving in two weeks (and will be paying rent on two places for a couple of months, but it's for the best). ]]> http://metachat.org/index.php/2006/05/04/heartbreak#c148130 Fri, 05 May 2006 03:50:55 +0000 c148131@http://metachat.org I dunno; I've been dumped more than dumped others, and grieved more than replaced. In fact, almost never 'replaced,' and don't believe individuals can be replaced. You can move on, but you cannot just plug a new person in to a space formerly occupied by another unique individual. No one else will light up that exact same constellation of neurons for you ever again. When I've dumped, I've stonewalled. Maybe avoided confrontation, just stopped communicating or took the hard cold line. But I haven't been a dump-er since college age, so I don't think I'd do it the same way now. Relationship shit is just full of misery, innit. can be replaced. You can move on, but you cannot just plug a new person in to a space formerly occupied by another unique individual. No one else will light up that exact same constellation of neurons for you ever again.

When I've dumped, I've stonewalled. Maybe avoided confrontation, just stopped communicating or took the hard cold line. But I haven't been a dump-er since college age, so I don't think I'd do it the same way now.

Relationship shit is just full of misery, innit.
]]> http://metachat.org/index.php/2006/05/04/heartbreak#c148131 Fri, 05 May 2006 03:58:04 +0000 c148134@http://metachat.org No one else will light up that exact same constellation of neurons for you ever again. Miko, I intend to quote this in the future. It's so true, and a great image to boot. No one else will light up that exact same constellation of neurons for you ever again.

Miko, I intend to quote this in the future. It's so true, and a great image to boot.]]> http://metachat.org/index.php/2006/05/04/heartbreak#c148134 Fri, 05 May 2006 04:12:43 +0000 c148137@http://metachat.org "look, we both know this isn't working, right?" At one low point in my life I stated it to a friend this way: "A truly bad relationship is when you look across the table and think 'I wish one of us would die and end this thing.' and you don't care which one of you it is." "look, we both know this isn't working, right?"

At one low point in my life I stated it to a friend this way: "A truly bad relationship is when you look across the table and think 'I wish one of us would die and end this thing.' and you don't care which one of you it is."]]> http://metachat.org/index.php/2006/05/04/heartbreak#c148137 Fri, 05 May 2006 04:23:35 +0000 c148141@http://metachat.org I dumped a guy because he wierded me out. I liked him enough and he liked me a lot, but he wasn't on time for dates and he got all dramatic about his thirtieth birthday and told me he was going to be spending it alone, at Zuma Beach or something, looking at stars. I respect that, but I wasn't sure then and am still not sure now if there's room to do that, exactly, and have a girlfriend too. My ex, I dumped because he was compulsively needy and gave me no space. I grieved a lot. He had a good side. But we'd had enough discussion about our problems; he couldn't seem to change so I broke up with him. He definitely replaced, because a few months later he started seeing someone else. He's still with her now, while I haven't been with anyone in the years since we've been together. But what is it worth? I hear they fight all the time.
My ex, I dumped because he was compulsively needy and gave me no space. I grieved a lot. He had a good side. But we'd had enough discussion about our problems; he couldn't seem to change so I broke up with him.

He definitely replaced, because a few months later he started seeing someone else. He's still with her now, while I haven't been with anyone in the years since we've been together. But what is it worth? I hear they fight all the time.]]> http://metachat.org/index.php/2006/05/04/heartbreak#c148141 Fri, 05 May 2006 04:51:21 +0000 c148152@http://metachat.org I have dumped one person. . .although there were mitigating circumstances: This good friend and I sort of drifted into a relationship. .we were buddies. . and cuddled a lot. .then slept together. . she had a wonderful bed and wore these flannel nightgowns. .very homey. . .then one night the cuddling got flirty and got into that "zone" and then we had to have a long conversation about the fact we are still basically friends, no strings, blah blah. . . the lovemaking that night was not so great. .but it got better. . and she sort of drifted into being in love and considering us a couple. .and I would do stuff like leave her house at 6:30 in the morning and go home and get ready for work and this woman that I was really interested in would call me around 7. . . So anyway the friend got fed up and we had this blowout during sex because of my emotional absense. .I ended up going home in the middle of the night, having to fish my laundry out of her dryer . . She felt extremely wronged and I kept saying that I was holding up my end of the deal, we had an agreement, etc. It took months to work this out. .she would write me long diatribey letters. . . I was sorry about it but I just did not feel that way about her. And, honestly, it came down to my not enjoying the way we kissed . . .another way to say it was she was a bad kisser . .but I think that former way of saying it is more correct. .. our lips just did not meld very well. . . She lives a block away from me now, has an LTR, and we see one another occasionally .. .she feeds me martinis every time I go over there. . .it's a nice, albeit more distant friendship now, and we NEVER talk about that episode. . .
This good friend and I sort of drifted into a relationship. .we were buddies. . and cuddled a lot. .then slept together. . she had a wonderful bed and wore these flannel nightgowns. .very homey. . .then one night the cuddling got flirty and got into that "zone" and then we had to have a long conversation about the fact we are still basically friends, no strings, blah blah. . .

the lovemaking that night was not so great. .but it got better. . and she sort of drifted into being in love and considering us a couple. .and I would do stuff like leave her house at 6:30 in the morning and go home and get ready for work and this woman that I was really interested in would call me around 7. . .

So anyway the friend got fed up and we had this blowout during sex because of my emotional absense. .I ended up going home in the middle of the night, having to fish my laundry out of her dryer . .

She felt extremely wronged and I kept saying that I was holding up my end of the deal, we had an agreement, etc.

It took months to work this out. .she would write me long diatribey letters. . . I was sorry about it but I just did not feel that way about her.

And, honestly, it came down to my not enjoying the way we kissed . . .another way to say it was she was a bad kisser . .but I think that former way of saying it is more correct. .. our lips just did not meld very well. . .

She lives a block away from me now, has an LTR, and we see one another occasionally .. .she feeds me martinis every time I go over there. . .it's a nice, albeit more distant friendship now, and we NEVER talk about that episode. . .]]> http://metachat.org/index.php/2006/05/04/heartbreak#c148152 Fri, 05 May 2006 04:53:37 +0000 c148155@http://metachat.org But I also have to cop to, when I have been dumped, commencing on replacing. . .I do think it's a man/woman thing and there is some general truth to your hypothesis . .. as bad as that makes my gender sound. . . http://metachat.org/index.php/2006/05/04/heartbreak#c148155 Fri, 05 May 2006 06:59:04 +0000 c148166@http://metachat.org I have dumped, been dumped, and had mutual partings. I have dumped because I have been unhappy for a long time. Lukewarm / lousy sex life has been my most frequent problem in long-term relationships. Though I have also walked away from great sex because other things just weren't right... like: drugs, trust, basic kindness, respect, future goals... Men replace and women grieve? Wow. I have always thought it was the opposite. Not because men are deep-feeling individuals who confront their feelings head-on rather than "fixing" them (because they're not and they don't). Rather, I thought things worked like this: women are constantly in-demand and most hetero romantic connections are initiated by men. Therefore, if you take two individuals, one male, one female, who are both vulnerable in a post-breakup, the woman will have action sooner. She just lets it come to her, while it takes the fella a while to get back on his game. It always seems like women have suitors as soon as they're single. Often the vultures begin to circle before the shit is even over. Men go through long torurous dry spells before getting back on the horse. This is not to say that women are always willing to accept whatever suitors come, but in this day and age they have suitors approaching them PLUS the option of pursuing someone if they choose. Women have it pretty good in a lot of ways. Men have a long way to go before they are as free of their gender role (however more priveleged the male role may be). All that is just a perception. I know that everyone's story is different. I'm just offering an alternative to the "men replace, women grieve" theory, which I think has as little merit as any other. Personally, I can testify that I am a man and I have GRIEVED. Jesus h christ on a popsicle stick... have I grieved....!
Men replace and women grieve?

Wow. I have always thought it was the opposite. Not because men are deep-feeling individuals who confront their feelings head-on rather than "fixing" them (because they're not and they don't).

Rather, I thought things worked like this: women are constantly in-demand and most hetero romantic connections are initiated by men. Therefore, if you take two individuals, one male, one female, who are both vulnerable in a post-breakup, the woman will have action sooner. She just lets it come to her, while it takes the fella a while to get back on his game.

It always seems like women have suitors as soon as they're single. Often the vultures begin to circle before the shit is even over. Men go through long torurous dry spells before getting back on the horse. This is not to say that women are always willing to accept whatever suitors come, but in this day and age they have suitors approaching them PLUS the option of pursuing someone if they choose. Women have it pretty good in a lot of ways. Men have a long way to go before they are as free of their gender role (however more priveleged the male role may be).

All that is just a perception. I know that everyone's story is different. I'm just offering an alternative to the "men replace, women grieve" theory, which I think has as little merit as any other.

Personally, I can testify that I am a man and I have GRIEVED. Jesus h christ on a popsicle stick... have I grieved....!]]> http://metachat.org/index.php/2006/05/04/heartbreak#c148166 Fri, 05 May 2006 13:18:31 +0000 c148197@http://metachat.org LOVE STINKS! Yeah, yeah, love stinks LOVE STINKS! Yeah, yeah, love stinks... How do the lyrics go? I think they're all about how everyone makes generalizations based on their own experience and then applies it to the larger world, and then has these generalizations confirmed when they get dumped or dump next time -- these self-fulfilling prophecies come true because people love what they love in one another, and don't really see fit to change what they love, even if it hurts them time and time again (which is fine because it's love and an individual thing, and that's just how it should be)... LOVE STINKS! Yeah, yeah, love stinks LOVE STINKS!
Yeah, yeah, love stinks

LOVE STINKS!

Yeah, yeah, love stinks...

How do the lyrics go?

I think they're all about how everyone makes generalizations based on their own experience and then applies it to the larger world, and then has these generalizations confirmed when they get dumped or dump next time -- these self-fulfilling prophecies come true because people love what they love in one another, and don't really see fit to change what they love, even if it hurts them time and time again (which is fine because it's love and an individual thing, and that's just how it should be)...

LOVE STINKS!

Yeah, yeah, love stinks

LOVE STINKS!]]> http://metachat.org/index.php/2006/05/04/heartbreak#c148197 Fri, 05 May 2006 20:49:29 +0000 c148451@http://metachat.org Luckily for me most relationships have drifted apart at about the right time due to geographical imperatives or some such. Once I was dumped. Two years of daily togetherness, then she just quit answering her phone. Ouch. In fairness, she had hinted that that was the way she's done it in the past, and the way she would do it if it came to that. But still, ouch. Once I dumped her. After five years. I kind of sat her down and said, I need to talk to you... She said, oh my god! you're about to dump me aren't you? Don't say it! Just leave! Oh my god! Oh my god. And you should have complemented me more. Oh my god!
Once I was dumped. Two years of daily togetherness, then she just quit answering her phone. Ouch. In fairness, she had hinted that that was the way she's done it in the past, and the way she would do it if it came to that. But still, ouch.

Once I dumped her. After five years. I kind of sat her down and said, I need to talk to you... She said, oh my god! you're about to dump me aren't you? Don't say it! Just leave! Oh my god! Oh my god. And you should have complemented me more. Oh my god!

]]> http://metachat.org/index.php/2006/05/04/heartbreak#c148451 Fri, 05 May 2006 22:55:50 +0000 c148492@http://metachat.org I've almost always "replaced" because the first boyfriend I had was also my first lover, the first one who ever saw me as being attractive and sexy and we were together for about six years. Like a baby chick, I've imprinted on the idea of togetherness and that's what I've always sought out in all my relationships, very quickly. I don't do very well on my own, which is a very sad thing to say but that's just how things happened. The one time where I was the one who was dumped, I still "replaced" and I wanted to with the ex that I still live with (oh, smich, I empathize with you so much) but it didn't work out either because the guy I wanted to "replace" him with got a broken leg and I ended up doing some caretaking while he recovered.
The one time where I was the one who was dumped, I still "replaced" and I wanted to with the ex that I still live with (oh, smich, I empathize with you so much) but it didn't work out either because the guy I wanted to "replace" him with got a broken leg and I ended up doing some caretaking while he recovered.]]> http://metachat.org/index.php/2006/05/04/heartbreak#c148492